Do you enjoy one of your children more than the other?

[confusedmandi]

I feel terrible even writing this.. I have a four year old daughter and two year old son. Divorced from their dad. I wrote in another thread how their father only wants to see our daughter and rarely spends time with our son.

 

Lately I've noticed that maybe in an effort to overcompensate for our son not seeing his dad much (neither kid sees their father much (his choice) but he is always very affectionate and happy to see our daughter and basically ignores our son. that I seem to favor my son over my daughter.

 

My daughter has always been a very high maintenance child. She was born premature though healthy and NEVER slept thru the night not even once til she was 18 months old. I would hear people talk about their 2 month old babies sleeping 8 hours at a time and I would laugh and think they were lying to me lol. She is a very smart kid. a good kid at heart. She can be very pleasant and polite .. as long as everything goes her way. She loves being with daddy or her grandparents because they rarely see her and of course when she's with them they cater to her every whim and its all fun and games. When she was an only child I felt I loved her beyond belief. I was actually upset when I got pregnant with our son and thought about how she would have to share my time and attention. I was fiercely protective of her and so very attached. Even though she was difficult to deal with. She's in a phase now where she tells you she wants something. "I want to wear a skirt today" I want a glass of milk." Then you get it for her and she throws a fit and says I don't want this I want.. (total opposite of what she asked for) Its exhausting. I've tried to have fun filled days with her where we do EVERYTHING she wants to do. We have gone to a park and played, gone swimming, played arcade games, went out to eat her favorite foods and had ice cream afterward. Just a big mommy and me day (without her brother) and she seems like she's having a great time and then one TINY thing doesn't go her way and all I hear is "mommy I don't like you!" or she cries and says she hates everything. Sometimes it feels like a lost cause.

 

my two year old son however is the total opposite. He's sweet and affectionate and loves his mommy lol. He's basically happy 99% of the time and if he's not it is pretty easy to remedy. He loves his big sister. I'm fiercely protective of him and because it is so easy to make him smile and laugh and to make him happy, I would rather spend time with him than with my daughter (I have both of them 90% of the time I'm not at work) I know that is a horrible thing to say. I try to give them both equal attention and I hug and kiss my daughter a lot and praise her when she's good, tell her she's pretty etc. Its not like I ignore her. But with my son I feel like I have more of a bond with him, maybe because he's younger, maybe because my heart breaks for him because of how my exH treats him.

 

Does anyone else favor one child or feel more connected to one child over another? Or I am a just a horrible parent?

[StalwartMind]

Hardly a horrible parent for feeling that way. There are actually many things different parents think or feel, which they don't feel safe with telling anyone because they fear being misunderstood for saying or even thinking. This is actually more of a problem with our society, the judging looks when we say anything that "gosh" may be a bit against the stream.

 

Most parent have favorites, also that doesn't mean you love the other children any less, they all have their qualities and one you'll just feel more naturally connected with. This isn't exactly information exclusively to those who are parents, there are also people who have partners and spouses where it becomes abundantly clear that most parents do play favors, sometimes in terrible ways.

 

I'm certainly not appreciative of how the dad only wants to see his daughter, I'm well aware of how someone for no reason gets shunned by their parent too, heck even sole children can be that. I think overall it just isn't really fair to put certain labels of people for saying or thinking certain things. Every situation is a bit different no matter what similarities it may share with other known ones, as such we need to judge everything individually. Be happy that you unlike their dad love and enjoy both your children, I do believe many mothers can grow even stronger bonds with their son compared to their daughter, again it's all a bit different though.

[Tayla]

Appreciate your willingness to be honest from your view.

 

What I gather though is typical, parents assume both kids will have the same dynamics, yet they don't. each will have endearing parts and some challenging natures. The Mother-daughter bond runs hot and cold it seems.

 

I think its natural to compensate as a parent when one of them is being treated less then. My x's family made it painfully clear how they favored my eldest. My youngest has suffered from that to this day. He really has a rough time trusting others. Not in a rebellion way, more in a way that he keeps his distance. So best I can tell you is be a shining star in both your kids life and know when to protect and keep em both heading in a good direction.

[pie2]

Family dynamics are SO complicated!

 

Personally, I think the gender of the children has a big impact on how each parent relates to their children, and that relationship changes over time. I was a big daddy's girl when I was young, but once puberty hit things changed until I was an adult.

 

My mom had a special relationship for many years with her last child...the much awaited boy! I never saw that as a major problem; I loved my little brother.

 

In my family, the rivalry was between my same-sex sibling: my sister. Now that is where all the problems with parental attention arose. Unfortunately, my mom was completely biased with her relationship with her.

 

I'm sure each family is different, but gender could impact how the children come to terms with their relationships with their parents and with each other.

[DKT3]

You have different relationships because they're different people. My daugther is very difficult, bossy, mean, smart mouth, quick tempered (just like her mom) but she is always stuck to my side, I can rarely get out of her sight and she is a pre-teen. My son is laid back super repectful, and very easy to deal with for the most part.

 

I have a strong bond with both, however my bond is stronger with my girl, I think mainly because she seems to "need" more of my attention.

 

I've been told that kids tend to shift from parent to parent in different stages of their childhood.

 

Maybe the fact that her dad gives her more attention, makes you overcompensate with your son.

 

I think if we are truly honest with ourselves we could admit it to be the case. Its impossible to have the same bond and/or connection with two people be it parents siblings or children.

[Mashala7b]

I would say you are a horrible parent lol but i have kids and there is always a favorite. It seems like you allow her to get her way, like you need to have more discipline. I'm not saying beat the child but i am saying set boundaries and when she throws a fit you need to let her know that it is not okay. Speaking as a parent i have 4 kids and i completely understand. My son is in that stage i wanna cry and get my way. I'm like no, what are you crying for that is nothing to cry about and i ask my son, do you want me to give you something to cry about? just revert back to old school. Old school ass whoppin' always work. and when she says i hate you or something let her know that is not a nice thing to say and you don't say that. Be stern, you will be okay.

[Tayla]

mashala- take a parenting course.It will do wonders for how you can be a parent who validates the child and guides them to different ways of expressing. Not a fan of your style and think it never hurts to be of good will, no child needs a shut up and quit ur whining. It stifles and teaches them the dysfunctional method of stuff it and do not defy the parent. Try working with them, not against them. Empathy never has caused a child to grow up and be defiant. True fact:)

 

Op- I think you are healthy in providing special moments for each of your kids, just keep loving them and giving them positive feedback and reinforcing your guidelines.