Step father over stepped his boundaries Part 2

[DatingDirection]

I really need some advice please? A few weeks ago, i wrote on her, i explained that: i asked to borrow $40 from my mother, who lives with her husband. I had no money for food, and i was desporate. My mother's husband said no. So, i got on the phone with him, and said, in a calm voice, do you realise i think you're an awful person. His reply to me was in a screaming voice...do you realise i think you're a parasite.

 

He's treated me this way since i was 7 years old. I had to move out at 14, while his children stayed at home till 28 years old. Just this past father's day, his children had him over for a bbq, in which case, the daughter asked him to pick up a chicken, which he gladly did for her. So after he said this reply to me, i started yelling at him, that he was sick in the head, both my mom and him laughed at me on the phone, and then i yelled at him telling him that is my mother, implying that the realtionship between a mother and daughter is special, he had no control over that, but appearntlly he does.

 

So anyways...my mother sent me an email. I just read it, i am terribly angry right now, and i feel sick to my stomach at how awful and at how just as bad my mother is. Basically the email said, how hurt she is that i was screaming and yelling on the phone, and she knows that i have been getting counselling, so she through that in my face, and said, she hopes it is working out for me, for me to get better. *GASLIGHTING*. SO I GUESS AFTER READING THIS, I REALLY DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER.

 

I WOULD LOVE TO TELL HER OFF, IM NOT TOO SURE WHAT GOOD THAT WILL DO OR HOW I CAN EXPLAIN TO HER, THAT BOTH HER AND HUSBAND NEED TO GET THEIR HEADS CHECKED, SINCE THEY HAVEN'T THEY'RE STILL POISON IN THEIR MINDS, WHILE I'VE BEEN GETTING HELP WITH MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY, BECAUSE OF MY UPBRINING, STUFF HAS SURRFACE NOW BEING 30 YEARS OLD. I NEED SKILLS TO LEARN BASIC THINGS SINCE I WAS 14 WHEN I LEFT HOME. ANYWAYS, HOW CAN I GET THROUGH TO THESE IMBASILS, AND SORRY TO SAY BUT BOTH MY MOTHER AND HER HUSBAND ARE LOW CHARACTERS, I CANNOT GET HOW A MOTHER CAN TREAT ME THIS WAY, LAUGH AT ME, THEN TURN THE TABLES AROUND AND TURN MY HEALING PROCESS AGAINST ME TO SAY THAT IM CRAZY AND SHE HOPE IT HELPS ME.

 

 

So i sent her an email saying this:

I sincerely believe both you and your husband should be getting help because then maybe you will come out better people.

 

As i have come to learn, i am a better person for seeking help. You mother, don't deserve me in your life.

 

I have alot to offer you, as your daughter, but you laughing at me on the phone, not defending me, when your husband called me a parasite, clearly shows that you're just as bad as he is, and you don't deserve me as a daughter.

 

Nice try, but gaslighting will not work on me.

 

Here is a definition of that term for you:

 

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

 

Good luck, Mom.

Edited July 3, 2015 by DatingDirection

[eye of the storm]

You said you need to learn some basic skills, so here are a few.

 

Some people are not nice and no matter what you say or do they will not be nice. Do not engage with these people more than you have to. And sometimes that means do not respond to their emails, just delete. I know you think "then how will they know what they did?!" "they deserve to know what A-holes they are" But the truth is, they know and they don't care and trying to show them how low they are only brings you down to their level. The best thing for YOU is to not engage. Delete.

 

Looking back on your past is great to learn. But you cannot live there and you cannot let it be an excuse for things. Many people came from worse backgrounds than you and they refused to let it define them and they refused to let it control them. They instead used it as a reason to work harder. If you never go anywhere in life and claim that it is because of them and kicking you out at 14, then you are just making excuses. The reason you are not going anywhere is because you chose to not go anywhere. Fair? Maybe not, but that is life. Sometimes it isn't fair but that shouldn't stop you.

 

Now, if you want more parenting advice, I have a list I went thru with my kids when they moved out. It is long and varied, from finances to laundry. I would be more than happy to go over it with you. Feel free to PM me.

[Radu]

Your mother chose him and keeps choosing him.

 

Your mother will not choose you for now, because she would have to face what she did in the past, until now.

So off-course she will try to present her version of reality and believe [be a true believer] into it.

The more she repeats it, the more she believes it.

 

Every time you engage them, you will get the same answer.

If your mother is religious, she will reach out to you when she is dying [or in fear of dying], or after your stepfather is seriously incapacitated and his control over her weakens.

So what will you do then ?

Get back those yrs ?

 

You will never be able to do that, the more time you spend on this, the more time you will regret losing to this crap in the future.

Just give up on them, on the idea of family with them, on fairness .... on your mother admitting her fault [or your stepfather].

 

That being said, there's something that's bugging me, and i don't know how to say it perfectly without it appearing insulting.

You are 30 and all of this is over 40$ that you need this month ?

Would not this energy be better spent improving your job situation ?

[DatingDirection]

Yes i am putting all of my efforts into improving my situation. i needed the 40 dollars last month. However, im moving forward, im getting organised and im looking for a job, and a volunteer position that could lead to a job. However, i am in need of a break as my mental health issues have spun out of control, and i have just been stablized the last 3 weeks, but the doctors say i still need time before i go back to work. However, in the mean time, im going to get organized and look for work.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I have a feeling that your mom is one of those types that feels she is never wrong. In her twisted mind, she did everything right & you did everything wrong. She's a lost cause. If I was in your shoes, I'd permanently disown both her & her husband. I'd also warn, then disown any other family members that take their side and try to manipulate you will crap like 2nd party communication. Tell them that you refuse to hear anything about your mom & step father and will block them if they try or mention them to you. That goes both ways, don't ask don't tell. Completely ban that subject will other family members, unless you have a true ally, which I doubt there is. Tell everyone that this is necessary for your health. Focus that energy on getting better. Your mom & step father are evil and sick people who want to keep you in a dark unhealthy position, because that make you easy to control & makes you more vulnerable.

[whichwayisup]

I really need some advice please? A few weeks ago, i wrote on her, i explained that: i asked to borrow $40 from my mother, who lives with her husband. I had no money for food, and i was desporate. My mother's husband said no. So, i got on the phone with him, and said, in a calm voice, do you realise i think you're an awful person. His reply to me was in a screaming voice...do you realise i think you're a parasite.

 

He's treated me this way since i was 7 years old. I had to move out at 14, while his children stayed at home till 28 years old. Just this past father's day, his children had him over for a bbq, in which case, the daughter asked him to pick up a chicken, which he gladly did for her. So after he said this reply to me, i started yelling at him, that he was sick in the head, both my mom and him laughed at me on the phone, and then i yelled at him telling him that is my mother, implying that the realtionship between a mother and daughter is special, he had no control over that, but appearntlly he does.

 

So anyways...my mother sent me an email. I just read it, i am terribly angry right now, and i feel sick to my stomach at how awful and at how just as bad my mother is. Basically the email said, how hurt she is that i was screaming and yelling on the phone, and she knows that i have been getting counselling, so she through that in my face, and said, she hopes it is working out for me, for me to get better. *GASLIGHTING*. SO I GUESS AFTER READING THIS, I REALLY DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER.

 

I WOULD LOVE TO TELL HER OFF, IM NOT TOO SURE WHAT GOOD THAT WILL DO OR HOW I CAN EXPLAIN TO HER, THAT BOTH HER AND HUSBAND NEED TO GET THEIR HEADS CHECKED, SINCE THEY HAVEN'T THEY'RE STILL POISON IN THEIR MINDS, WHILE I'VE BEEN GETTING HELP WITH MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY, BECAUSE OF MY UPBRINING, STUFF HAS SURRFACE NOW BEING 30 YEARS OLD. I NEED SKILLS TO LEARN BASIC THINGS SINCE I WAS 14 WHEN I LEFT HOME. ANYWAYS, HOW CAN I GET THROUGH TO THESE IMBASILS, AND SORRY TO SAY BUT BOTH MY MOTHER AND HER HUSBAND ARE LOW CHARACTERS, I CANNOT GET HOW A MOTHER CAN TREAT ME THIS WAY, LAUGH AT ME, THEN TURN THE TABLES AROUND AND TURN MY HEALING PROCESS AGAINST ME TO SAY THAT IM CRAZY AND SHE HOPE IT HELPS ME.

 

 

So i sent her an email saying this:

I sincerely believe both you and your husband should be getting help because then maybe you will come out better people.

 

As i have come to learn, i am a better person for seeking help. You mother, don't deserve me in your life.

 

I have alot to offer you, as your daughter, but you laughing at me on the phone, not defending me, when your husband called me a parasite, clearly shows that you're just as bad as he is, and you don't deserve me as a daughter.

 

Nice try, but gaslighting will not work on me.

 

Here is a definition of that term for you:

 

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

 

Good luck, Mom.

 

Your mom is in the wrong here, no doubt about it. I'm so sorry that she has no balls to stand up to her husband and tell him NOT to be rude/mean to you.

 

It's sad, she's your mom and supposed to have your back, to love you and be there for you, but unfortunately she's influenced by him and he is a D.ICK to put it bluntly.

 

Take care of you, rely on other family members and friends, maybe they can lend you some money and also be a support system for you, to talk and listen to you.

 

You handled this well all things considering.

[DatingDirection]

Thank you everyone for your support. I've got some great advice on her about this. I want to tell you that i do feel very sad and hurt and it breaks my heart to have to cut my mom off. Even though i did that in my email, told her i am cutting her off, indirectly, i feel guilty about it. I wish that my mom could come and visit me, where i am there are so many festivals to see and do here, and would love to share that with her. My mom is 68 years old, and 10 years goes by fast, and i would have liked to share moments with her. But i feel she betrayed me, and has cognitive issues with understanding where im coming from. Maybe she has ashburgurgs?

[eye of the storm]

Aspergers. And they are usually pretty honest. Sometimes brutally honest.

 

 

Sometimes not nice people are just not nice. And it has nothing to do with anything else.

 

 

Once you heal and develop good strong boundaries, try inviting her to a festival. See how it goes. But don't look to her for answers or look for her to be different. She will still be the same. The only different person will be you.

[turnera]

Yes i am putting all of my efforts into improving my situation. i needed the 40 dollars last month. However, im moving forward, im getting organised and im looking for a job, and a volunteer position that could lead to a job. However, i am in need of a break as my mental health issues have spun out of control, and i have just been stablized the last 3 weeks, but the doctors say i still need time before i go back to work. However, in the mean time, im going to get organized and look for work.

Look up a free bookoo account in your area. It's an online 'garage sale' where you post something you want to sell in your local area. Not like eBay where you have to ship it somewhere. I have a friend who buys stuff at garage sales and then sells them online like that. That's how she makes a living.