Away from 2yo for 4 days for a "date"?

[jakrbbt]

My ex and I separated in October, now we're divorced. Our son is two.

 

I have him (toddler) about 75 per cent of the time, often more. he's with me about 99 per cent of the overnights. I am the more stable and attentive parent.

 

I've been in touch with an old boyfriend, a nice man, very responsible, international lawyer and kind of a philanthropist and I have known him for a decade now. We've rekindled something, but I am not that serious about it.

 

He (my friend) wants to visit for 4 days.

 

It would be the first 4 days I've really been away from my son. I'd be OK, if I knew my son would be.

 

My ex would in theory have our son those days, but he really does not keep him during his scheduled parenting days. Part of it is his on-call work, and part of it is that he gets overwhelmed. I feel I can't commit to 4 days because I am sure that I'll be needed during that time.

 

And then if I take the time off work, it'll be a mad scramble to get caught up (I'm a lawyer too), and I will have even less time with my son after the absence from him.

 

Toddler is the sensitive kind who needs a little more structure and security than some. I'm trying to give him enough of those things while also supporting his toddler independence and exploration. He is thriving. But he won't really sleep elsewhere and my instinct tells me that he'd be confused if away from me for that long.

 

If I were married and leaving my child at home with the other parent, that would be different. Or at least, if I were not newly divorced/single parent. Or if I had a less sensitive child, or a more reliable co-parent.

 

Honestly, I don't feel like being away from my toddler for 4 days for a man. Two days would be fun, but not four. It almost would feel like a chore.

 

Is that normal? Or would toddler be fine and forget all about it, even if he gets confused during the absence?

 

And how do I tell my friend if I'm not up to it? I told him when I was free, but I assumed he'd come to town for maybe 3 days and split his time with other friends. Now I can't backtrack and say I'm suddenly no longer free.

[Trimmer]

he's with me about 99 per cent of the overnights.

Given that you have barely been separated for 200 days, that's only around two nights with your ex-H, and I'm assuming they were not consecutive. How did those single overnights go?

 

I'm the first one to encourage you to loosen the reins in whatever way you can and work to get things to the point where your son can spend multiple days and nights with your ex-H, so that you can do interesting things like this in your life.

 

However, if you haven't even had a successful 2- or 3-night run away from each other, and you are planning a full-time 4-day separation, does it make sense to throw him in the deep end, when you don't know how he's likely to react?

 

But he won't really sleep elsewhere...

He won't, or he just hasn't?

 

...would toddler be fine and forget all about it, even if he gets confused during the absence?

There's no way we can tell you this about your particular kid. Depending on his personality and temperament, a kid could go either way. But my thinking is that if you haven't even tried a 2-day stretch yet, and you think your kid isn't likely to do well with it, then throwing everybody right into a 4-day stretch is kinda high-pressure/high-stakes, isn't it?

 

You really should work on this - I'm not saying "you should never leave him for more than a night" - I really think you need to work towards that. I just don't know if doing a long stretch for the first time as a high-stakes situation is in everybody's best interest.

 

I think you absolutely should try it - but you should attempt it when the stakes aren't "an interrupted long date weekend with a man."

[serial muse]

You really should work on this - I'm not saying "you should never leave him for more than a night" - I really think you need to work towards that. I just don't know if doing a long stretch for the first time as a high-stakes situation is in everybody's best interest.

 

Yes, agree - I take it that the issue, OP, is that this man wants to stay with you for those four days of his visit, and you don't want your son there while he does? (which is reasonable, of course!) Well, is there any reason why the guy can't stay in a hotel? (Doesn't sound like it would be a financial issue for him...) I would hope that, if he's someone you're rekindling something with, he knows about your son and will be thoughtful of your time and emotional constraints, and so this would be something you could negotiate with him. Do you really need to spend 4 full days together? Can your ex take your son for one night (an easier trial run) instead of all of them?

 

I don't think you need to back out of this completely, but I don't see why you can't just tell him a modified version of what you've said here - that while you'd love to see him, you weren't planning on spending 4 full days with him, and you've got your son and aren't able to host him for the visit (except perhaps for a night).

[palmbreeze]

I left my two year old with my parents for four days and I didn't think we could do it. I thought he would freak out and miss his mommy. After all I'm a single mom and we are attached at the hip. I stressed and stressed about it. I was taking a mini vacation with my long time boyfriend. I needed the time away and I think it was good for the both of us. My son had a great time with his grandparents and hardly even mentioned his mommy lol I worried way too much! Is there someone who can be on backup while you're gone? Or, compromise on three days?

[jakrbbt]

I left my two year old with my parents for four days and I didn't think we could do it. I thought he would freak out and miss his mommy. After all I'm a single mom and we are attached at the hip. I stressed and stressed about it. I was taking a mini vacation with my long time boyfriend. I needed the time away and I think it was good for the both of us. My son had a great time with his grandparents and hardly even mentioned his mommy lol I worried way too much! Is there someone who can be on backup while you're gone? Or, compromise on three days?

 

Thank you-- this helps so much!! I told my friend to come visit for 2 and a half days.

 

Then I told my ex I'd be taking a 3 or 4 day vacation next month. But, he has about 2 weeks where he's not scheduled to work at all-- and not during my vacation. So I expect that, just when I'm wanting to go on vacation, ex will be wanting/needing to make up extra work hours so he can have money.

 

He assured me kindly that that's his problem (his parenting days after all). And if he "solves" his childcare problem by leaving our son somewhere where he (son) won't go to sleep, doesn't have enough clean clothes et c., but is safe and loved and fed, well, I have to practice saying "that's alright."

 

And starting now, I am going to stop "offering" my ex to bring my son over on evenings when he doesn't strictly need to. Toddler and daddy can get used to more overnights.

 

It really helps to hear from a parent who worried a lot too and then it turned out fine.