Past hurts & future projections

[seany25]

Hey there. I've been trying hard to put the last behind me for over 3 years now. Me & my ex have a 3 & a half year old boy. She finished with me & found out 3 months later that she was pregnant. When my ex was pregnant in 2011 she screwed around during it & had another man experience all the things I should have. I have always been angry about being excluded from the pregnancy, Missing all the scans, Not experiencing the privilege of feeling my first child kicking, Not being at the birth, Being told 8 hours after he was born during which time his pic was all over Facebook, Not meeting him until he was 6 weeks old during which time she got him christened without me as well as loads of unimportant people meeting him before I did; including exes of hers, Having a boyfriend share her bed with her & my son, Not putting my name on the birth certificate, Letting me have so little access that I had to move 50 miles away for my sanity, Making up lies to her solicitor about me being abusive at her sisters house during contact with my son, And pretty much missing out on the first 18 months of my child's life only seeing him about 10 times in that period give or take.

 

I had been seeing my boy in a contact centre until last week I went out to her house she shares with her mum for the first time in my life. It went ok she stayed out in the kitchen as she always did in her sisters house when I was seeing him there. I think that's a little weird but let's see how it goes.

 

In light of all the aforementioned past issues, I have been working hard to forgive her for it all. However I know it still simmers deep down inside me. It is this knowledge that I still hold on to it deep down that I believe it may arise again at some point. I have projected future possible scenarios namely another man being in my child's life more than me. I know men have already seen my child more than me be it a family member or friend & even boyfriends & exes of hers.

 

My problem is that I will never accept this. NOR WILL I ACCEPT THE FACT SHE SCREWED AROUND WHILST PREGNANT, even if there is nothing I can do about it now.

 

Another important thing - my child will absolutely not EVER be calling anyone else dad but me. No deviation from this, even if she gets married. Anyone else, gets called by their name.

 

If anything had ever been on mutual grounds & I hadn't been so monumentally screwed over, & she didn't screw around whilst pregnant with my child, I might not be so permanently annoyed with her. I feel because these things happened, that I will never embrace & accept another man in a father figure role to my son. I also don't feel my ex deserves to fully regain my respect. I've hated her for 10 times longer than I even knew her.

 

I know that holding on to it is hurting me but it's not been so easy to let go of. These things happened, they are facts, so they are in fact inescapable. I feel like being difficult to her & anyone she is involved with because she caused me so much pain.

 

I am missing a lady in in my life right now & hope I find one soon. I think if I had a decent woman to love & care for I wouldn't have so much room inside for hatred.

 

Has anyone else ever been screwed over so monumentally?

 

 

NOTE: I should say, that a lot of good things are in my life now as a result of this. I made a lot of positive changes in my life & moved away for a new start etc. It's really bittersweet though because it all came from a place of pain.

Edited April 17, 2015 by seany25

[seany25]

I love how so many people had opinions on this