Oneness Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 My DS11 just got over a major meltdown....it lasted an hour of him raging and banging on things, saying he wished he was in heaven, telling me to stop the drama. Sigh...he was the one causing drama, I said next to nothing to him because I am at the end of my rope. He goes to a special school for emotionally disturbed children where he has his own therapist and gets tons of support. But he is hyper sensitive, and when his emotions get the best of him he has a break from reality. I was always concerned about putting him on meds, because he is so young and a lot of psych meds were not meant for children. But I see no choice...only my DS is afraid of taking meds, and I can't battle him over it because we live with my mother...who is a Narcissist and control freak, who hates that I had to put him in his special school...to her, he is perfect and everyone else is to blame - she is sicker then my DS11. She is always looking to pick a fight with me over my son, she has cared for him when I am working, but she has no boindaries...she thinks she is his mother and she knws best and she knows everything (yeah, right....). And I can't leave yet, I don't make enough money to support us...I am working on that. My DS11 is my only child, and I wanted to have a son ever since I was young. I had almost given up when I got pregnant (I am not with my husband, DS11's Dad, anymore). I put him first, put his wellbeing above anyone elses...but I am growing weary of this. I just don't know how to handle his meltdowns anymore....today I told him if he did not behave I will not be getting him the new Nintendo 3DS he wants....he is finally behaving, but it took so long to get him to stop. Discipline does not work with him either - it only ramps him up to further levels of raging and tantruming. Any ideas on what I can do? I am really ready to give him to his Dad and say you deal with him full time, I will get him on weekends from now on.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 What are the doctors saying about his condition ? Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Sorry for your pain, OP. I can't imagine what you're going through...it seems exhausting. You seem to have very little support. My recommendations: Parenting classes: get some support about how to react to the outbursts. Could his dad go too?Individual Counseling: support from you in relation to being a single-parent raising a special-needs child, getting some understanding about the dynamics at play in your family, and get help towards reaching some emotional and practical goals.Support from Dad: rather than a drastic change of custody, could you work together to get more support from Dad?Church: you may find a lot of support at your local church. Again, your situation seems very hard. Personally, I don't think there is one culprit in this situation...everyone has a part to play. I hope you can get to the point to see that even some of your own behavior patterns have contributed to problem. It's not your fault! It's just how it is, especially as it seems your own parent had some challenges in parenting too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I feel you....and it is hard....there is no quick fix i have found...a lot of trial and error .....there is always hope...even when you dont feel it.............here are some ideas and experiences i will share with you and i will let you know ....i come close to giving up a lot....and sometimes i have to give up to live to fight another day...i dont have perfect answers to help you...i wish i did.... I was told by my sons support worker years ago when he had one, to be passive aggressive with my son who has a disorder masked by mental impairment..he is 26.. when he rages that i am not to be confronting.....not look him in the eye...and to remain silent......which is also hard when he tells me to shut the fu...ck up and go back to my room...or calls me a dog or other non creative names that hurt like hell......he can be prone to violence....and the passive aggressive stance is to avoid that violence where i could end up injured or i have to injure him.....i have called the police and they told me to call again.......if i need them....i dont like calling the police i feel traitorous......mostly i try to retreat to my room anyway....i dont like to be told to go to my room.....but i do retreat there....of my own volition.and everyone knows it ...so they often tell me to go back to my room to hurt me..........its my safe place........I tell him not to talk to me until he can speak to me properly...if i try to talk over him....he gets louder ..i get louder and i cant have my voice harsh for long as i get coughing spasms from doing that it rips my throat out....so the passive aggressive stance makes sense for me my son gets out through a respite service it costs a little money but it gives me and him a break from battles.....i have had something happen this week where i have had to make a decision with him....and i am taking him to church...another one of my safe places......some where i can relax.....i am taking him in the hope he might make friends ...good ones...that will be an influence in a positive and forward motion......i have been through the mental health process with my son....and since i moved interstate i havent had much luck.....i actually feel my sons depression is manifesting.....i am led to believe that also....by apparent messages i have found.....i have to get my son away from violent video games playing against other spiteful online players ro trolls....which is a world he retreats too. or actually spends most of his time in........i need to bring him out somewhere safe and secure... even if it means taking my security and safe place away.......which is church...which makes me a little sad because i didnt feel on edge so much there........but also a little hopeful......that he will find acceptance as i have...so i am taking him to my space.....and hope he loves it eventually as much as i do......for now...he is a bit resentful....i also have told him it is his choice either come to church every week with me...or i take away the internet and cancel the service completely for him....for me ...for everyone in the house.........at the moment....he has agreed to come....i am now spinning positive around church...like the fun aspect....meeting new friends having someone other than a game to spend time with ..i told him its not all prayers but fellowship as well with good hearted people...they have fun as well as eb serious.......go bowling with maybe.....or fishing..being accepted...being treated with respect and well....i have been weaving webs of hope all day and yesterday as well........i am buying him his own clippers...so he can keep his beard but maintain it...trying to make him feel masculine and not emasculated...i need him to feel like he has choices and eh si choosing this...and hopefully in time he will feel it and see ...its the right choice........deb Edited February 13, 2015 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oneness Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 Sorry for your pain, OP. I can't imagine what you're going through...it seems exhausting. You seem to have very little support. My recommendations: Parenting classes: get some support about how to react to the outbursts. Could his dad go too?Individual Counseling: support from you in relation to being a single-parent raising a special-needs child, getting some understanding about the dynamics at play in your family, and get help towards reaching some emotional and practical goals.Support from Dad: rather than a drastic change of custody, could you work together to get more support from Dad?Church: you may find a lot of support at your local church. Again, your situation seems very hard. Personally, I don't think there is one culprit in this situation...everyone has a part to play. I hope you can get to the point to see that even some of your own behavior patterns have contributed to problem. It's not your fault! It's just how it is, especially as it seems your own parent had some challenges in parenting too! Isee his counselot once a week, and his Dad goes too, I have been in therapy, need to go back. His Dad is as supportive as possible, he takes am active role with his son. We don't go to church, I was not raised in a religion and I don't have one...and would prefer not to. Thank you for your response and concern...I am doing my best, but sometimes you begin to feel your best is not good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I know how you feel, my 16yo son, has taken me to hell and back with his antic's, temper and non-compliance. He was in a special school too, he has settled down over the last year or so, and things aren't as volitile as they used to be now. What helped me get to where I am today? No one thing, it's tough! There were days when I felt absolutely hopeless and was banging my head against a brick wall. You're fortunate you have the father's support, my son's dad fought the whole way and refused to believe there was any issue. Use his support as much as you can! I spent years taking my boy to counselling and anger management. I involved the mental health team and the police as he would often run away, he'd threaten his brother and I with knives, he tried to set fire to my house and he dabbled in marijuana as a 12yo. Things that helped me cope; sending him to a good friends place for time out for both of us when things got rough. Getting out and about with him, riding our bike's on the cycleway, bush-walking, running the dog along the beach and using this time to have quaility conversations about life. Reminding myself everytime he lashed out or raged, that "this will pass", and it has. He is still a highly strung young man, but he doesn't rage like he used to, he removes himself from the situation mostly now. I joined a club, so I had an out, something else to focus on as I sorta felt that I was too close, too involved and too invested in my son's drama's and it was impacting me in a negative way. I stopped raising my voice. I made sure my manner's were impecible around him, even when I wanted to throttle him I'd say my please's and thank you's to him. I made sure he witnessed in me the behaviour I wanted to see in him. I stuck up for him and listened to him when he made wild accusations of wrong's against him. I hope some of my coping mechanisms may be of some help. I wish you well. Hang in there!!! Edited February 13, 2015 by mrs rubble 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oneness Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Thank you both, todreaminblue and mrs. rubble. You have some god advice, and I appreciate it. I will try what you suggest. My DS11 is going to be with his Dad this weekend, and I am going to fill him in on DS's latest meltdown. He is good with his son, I am fortunate with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
phreckles Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 This book may be helpful for you in your situation: http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451 Link to post Share on other sites
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