17 year old living with us

[Dubba]

About three months ago, my fianccee's 2nd cousin moved in with us. She had been inappropriately touched by her step-dad, and as a 17 year old, giving her some place safe was of utmost importance.

 

In the meantime, I was driving her to school 3 days a week and allowing her use my vehicle after dropping me off at work, to get to school, and afterwards she would pick me up. My fiancée would allow her to drive her truck on the other two days during the week with a similar arrangement for work.

 

I am a 44 year old nurse and military officer and my fiancée is 33 year old college student and professional project management assistant. We took her cousin in because it was the right thing to do. I have added her to the auto insurance in the meantime. However, her cousin has been staying with her stepmom lately and not checking in with us regularly.

 

We have asked her to contact at least one of us twice a day, but she is not consistent enough. She was supposed to come home Sunday, from her step-mom's house, but she did not contact us at all, and still by Tuesday, my fiancée didn't follow up with her. She has been staying at her step-mom's house since the New Year.

 

I contacted her while I was picking up my dry cleaning before work, to see how she as doing, and when she was thinking of coming back. After our conversation, I called my fiancée to let her know what we talked about. She told me it was weird a 44 year old man was having a private conversation with a 17 year old. I told her I was calling from a place of concern and nothing else. I would do the same for any of my soldiers, friends or family. She demanded if I felt the need to contact her cousin, I should ask her to do it. We have conversations in the car on the way to work, we talk at home, while my fiancée is at work. Am I being inappropriate?

[Tayla]

Not so much inappropriate as you may consider the social ramifications.

One: Neither of you are her legal guardian. Kin maybe, but under the law it's important to know the difference.

Two: I think as a concerned person you were showing care in checking on her welfare. So few folks do that anymore...

Three: Can you perhaps validate your fiancees side and still maintain your values? I see nothing wrong in reaching out to a person who was in your care, yet I do think you may want to consider how it was perceived by onlookers.

 

Her having access to your cars may not have been the wisest things to do. She doesn't sound to responsible if she runs to various relatives and doesn't follow up with those that care.

[Radu]

End this situation quickly.

 

Same reasons as Tayla pointed out.

If she goes off the deep-end, decides you are 'creepy', and lobbies an accusation, then you will be screwed for life.

 

Also, on who's side is your fiance.

Technically, she is correct ... what she hinted at could happen, but what was her tone in saying that ?

Basically, is her relationship to her cousin more important to her than you ?

If it is, why is she marrying you ?

[eye of the storm]

If your fiancee doesn't trust you to have a private phone call with the 17yo...then why is the girl living with you?

 

Something doesn't make sense. And I'm not saying its you.

 

Its ok to have her live with you, its ok to have her in the vehicle alone with you 3 days a week, but its not ok for you to call her to check on her? Im confused.

 

Esp since you called to keep the fiancee in the loop with what information you got.

 

Im wondering if she is a bit nervous because she was molested prior to arriving at your house and because of that she got nervous with you and that is why she is not coming back and the fiancee is trying to put up boundaries?

 

I don't know but something is off.

[beatcuff]

while you believe your intentions are good; you are being VERY inappropriate: it is not your cousin, you are not married and she has already been 'accosted' a/k/a vulnerable.

 

MORE importantly why did you feel the need when your SO did not. That's her family, her job.

[Radu]

If your fiancee doesn't trust you to have a private phone call with the 17yo...then why is the girl living with you?

 

Something doesn't make sense. And I'm not saying its you.

 

Its ok to have her live with you, its ok to have her in the vehicle alone with you 3 days a week, but its not ok for you to call her to check on her? Im confused.

 

Esp since you called to keep the fiancee in the loop with what information you got.

 

Im wondering if she is a bit nervous because she was molested prior to arriving at your house and because of that she got nervous with you and that is why she is not coming back and the fiancee is trying to put up boundaries?

 

I don't know but something is off.

 

And if that is indeed the case, this could get ugly fast OP.

 

Don't be a fool and protect yourself OP.

[GoBlue]

I am going to take a different approach here. Women generally have a better intuition about these things than men do. For the sake of your relationship with your fiance, honoring her request would be right. It would also be appropriate for the two of you to sit down and have a genuine heart-to-heart about this whole situation. Honest and open conversation is the basis of any intimate relationship. If the two of you are going to get married having the ability to share from the heart will pay huge dividends. Not being able to do so can cause huge problems. Blessings!

[rester]

Sounds like there needs to be a discussion about ground rules. Is she free to come and go as she pleases, do you need to check in with your fiance to communicate with her, etc. Before more conflict happens, talk this stuff out and until then avoid any time alone with this girl, if at all possible.