Need to get this off my chest :)

[endlessabyss]

So, after me and my ex broke-up, the co-parenting thing didn't work, so with all the turmoil/strife going on in my life I decided to step away from my daughter. She was 3 1/2 at the time. I haven't seen her in two years since then.

 

 

In June, my ex emailed me some pictures of my daughter, and she looked so different, so big! She is a whole nother person. So after another email, in the beginning of September, from my ex, I decided to reach out to my ex to try and re-establish a relationship with my daughter.

 

 

Last week I shot her an e-mail to see if we could meet in a week on Thursday at a park, just so I'd be able to have mild space to try and talk to her privately. After about a day I got a reply and she agreed. After a couple more emails (trying to procure information about my daughter to catch up), my ex started to bring the past up, and started to be confrontational.

 

 

I diffused that, and set a day to see her. Well, it has been rainy the last few days where I live, and I emailed her today to see if we could re-schedule. She said she couldn't, and started to dog me about be a horrible person, and abandoning her again, yawnnn. I didn't know of a place, that was neutral , that was indoors that would of been a good place to re-introduce myself. I really wanted to be somewhere outside, where she wouldn't have a ton of distractions, where it could be just me and her. That is why I was so keen on the park.

 

 

So, after about a half hour of sending demeaning emails back to one another, we decided to cancel, and my ex proclaimed I would not be seeing her ever again. Ok. She also went on about how her b/f is a better father than me .

 

 

I was pretty rustled after the email exchanges, but realized that co-parenting probably wouldn't have worked. I feel as if she just saved me a ton of aggravation. I literally have nothing but ill will towards her, and she feels the same. She (my ex) is a victim. I would literally have to walk on eggshells, with no room for mistakes, in relations to my daughter.

 

 

I am now accepting that I may never see my daughter again, or at least until she is 18. I doubt it though. She will probably be brainwashed to hate me, so all efforts will be futile to try and have a relationship with her in the future.

 

 

Lesson learned. You want to play with fire (pre-marital sex), you will get burned.

 

 

I love my daughter very much, and I'm sorry things worked out like this, but that's what God had planned for me.

 

 

Hopefully I'll be able to have children in the future, and do things the right way. If not, I am content being single with no kids. It allows me to explore the things I want, and lets me focus on my career.

[still_an_Angel]

Its really sad that you and your ex can't get past your issues and focus on your daughter's welfare. The priority should be giving your daughter all the benefits of having both parents in her life. I understand that there are issues and all the fighting can bring down anyone and just giving up is easier rather than take the hard road of sorting stuff out.

 

As parents, we only have a small window in our kids' childhood, lets stretch it to 18 years although kids start to need us less as they go out into the world which starts at school age. So really, we haven't got many years. Your daughter is now 5, and in her formative years, there's not much time, you should be a factor in her life and not just her father on paper. You can choose to pursue your right to have access and be in her life.

 

My daughter was not even 2 years old when my stbxh left us. He came back into her life when she was 4. He can never get those years back and I know that's one of his regrets in life. And has the fighting stopped between me and her father? Far from it! It's a work in progress for us but we are of the same goal to give our kids our best so we fight it out, I mean we sort it out. Best of luck to you.

[Father'sGentleFlower]

You are not considering your daughter nearly as much as you think. To me, the meeting place should not have mattered, kids find distractions inside or outside. If you really wanted to see her, you should have just gone to see her, you could go to the park any other meeting time. Another thing, don't fall into the trap of "I'll just have more children later in life and do better with them" you have a child now, what about her? You as a father owe it to her try harder to be part of her life. Show your ex that you really do want be involved with your daughter, if that's what you really want.

[Mandy26]

hi i had to delete this out of respect for my child

Edited October 26, 2014 by Mandy26

[seekingpeaceinlove]

That poor child.

 

If you really loved your daughter and wanted to be in your her life, you would make it happen. You would move mountains just to see her.

 

Instead, you threw your hands up in the air and gave up the moment your ex started to give you grief.

 

As you're well aware, life isn't perfect and it's certainly not easy, but you forge ahead and try your best given the circumstances.

 

Take a moment and really do some soul searching. Can you honestly say to yourself that you tried your best to be a father to your daughter? A daughter you claim to love "very much"....

 

I'm not sure if there is any love more powerful than parental love. A love so great, that most parents, would give up their lives to save their child...

 

Yet all it took for you to walk away was bitter words from an ex.

 

Maybe your daughter is better off without you.

[Shepp]

I am now accepting that I may never see my daughter again, or at least until she is 18. I doubt it though. She will probably be brainwashed to hate me, so all efforts will be futile to try and have a relationship with her in the future.

 

how much brainwashing would it take! If I was 18 and couldn't even remember my dad I'm pretty sure I could make my own mind up with no brainwashing needed!

You can be a genetic parent by creating someone but you can't be a dad without raising them.

 

This is your fight, doesn't matter how hard your ex makes it, you should fit harder, if you really wanted that relationship!

I don't understand how you even can walk away from your kid aged 3 and it not utterly destroy you!

 

Anyway IMHO your ex isn't making it very hard at all! I thought she was mighty good to still send you pictures, she made the I intial contact both times.. And if I was in her shoes - I sure wouldn't of!

Sure she gave you a bit of a hard time here and there.. But I'd feel pretty entitled to that if id been raising someone's kid for 2 years after there'd deemed the situation too difficult and washed there hands of it!

 

Your not rolling with the punches, your not working round obstinate your just waiting for them to be removed - you can't be with her mum, so you refuse to co-parent. You don't want to get wet at the park, so you call the whole day off. Why? Go somewhere else this time and go to the park next week? Or put a rain coat on & a tarpaulin up!

 

Some parents have to fight a lot harder things, and do! But when she's an 18 year old who doesn't understand why her friends have dads but hers abandoned her, and wants nothing to do with the man now who missed way too much, the birthday parties, the exams, the first dates, the first breakup, everything, her whole life - then the fights lost!

[sunshine0274]

In the most respectful way possible, that little girl is better off without you.

[Mandy26]

Really- you should never miss a bday- Easter - valentines - Christmas if any other day. You are her biological father and have every right- but it us up to you to act like a real father! My sons father abandoned him at age 1. Now he wants to come back 9 years later. One gift in 9 years - every Father's Day thus child's heart was broken. Now he struggles and wrestles with his overwhelming emotions of wanting his Dad like he always did but not wanting him- your child will need no brainwashing because you did it yourself- YOU walked away. Go to court - get your visitation and follow through - write her letters - visit her anywhere- and if you don't then maybe the other persons response is correct - you don't deserve your daughter. I wish you the best

[Radu]

Well, at least you are doing well.

 

And you can always have more kids, or get a puppy ... it's practically the same thing anyway.

[Raena]

I agree with the other saying that you need to let your issues with your ex go and do what you can to be a part of your child's life.

 

I came onto this site tonight thinking that I wanted to make a thread about deadbeat dad's and how I just don't understand how in the world a parent can walk away from their child. I found your post before I had a chance to write it up though. Sorry for that, I guess you'll get my wrath instead

 

What you are doing is not hurting your ex, it's hurting your child. Plain and simple. Whatever your issues are with your ex, you need to get over it and be a parent to your child. Do it now and plan on being there for her at all times from now until your death bed. The way I see it, once you become a parent, you stay a parent until you leave this earth. There is no "throwing in the towel" over a couple squabbles. Will it be easy? NO. You made it worse by running off for two years and leaving your ex to raise YOUR child without the benefit of both parents. Whatever your issues with her before, those issues have become tenfold over the past two years while you left her struggling and went on to live your life. The fact that she brought up old stuff right away tells all. She hasn't forgiven you for leaving her taking care of everything alone and you ditching on your first opportunity to see your child after two years of being gone didn't help.

 

Please do the right thing by your daughter and go become the father that she needs. Figure out a way to get along with your ex regardless of your issues. Take co-parenting classes together if need be, show her that you plan on sticking around for good for your daughters sake and then do it. Keep doing it, over and over and over. If your ex sees you really taking an interest in your child and really trying to make amends and move forward in a positive relationship, she may eventually stop being so snarky with you. Right now, she has every reason to not trust you. You'll have to show her that you mean it by your actions.

[thefooloftheyear]

Im a proud dad..The sacrifices I have made for my child know no end..Im not looklng for a commendation of anything else...Its my duty as a man and a dad....nothing is more important to me...nothing...Nothing would keep me from her....Any personal issues(and I have several, just like everyone else) are secondary to the health and welfare of that child....I brought her into this world and its my responsibility to make sure her life is the best it can be...and I will do everything I possibly can..Quite frankly ill never understand how people can do that..I start to get antsy and a bit sad if I havent seen or spoken with her all day....let alone months at a time..Id never be able to handle that scenario..

 

Rethink your choices...Kids need their father as well as their mom...Its vital

 

TFY

[lollipopspot]

I am now accepting that I may never see my daughter again, or at least until she is 18. I doubt it though. She will probably be brainwashed to hate me, so all efforts will be futile to try and have a relationship with her in the future.

 

If I were your daughter, it's not any brainwashing that would have the biggest effect on me in relation to my wanting to have a relationship with you, it's the fact that my father didn't try harder or even fight (if he had to) to see me. You can go to court and get some type of visitation or custody. That's your right. That would mean more to me than anything my mother had to say about you.

 

I'm thinking that you're not paying child support? If that's correct, are you concerned that if you go to court and try to get visitation or custody that you will have to start paying? Is that part of why you aren't making this happen?

 

I do think you have abandoned your child. That's how I would feel if I were your child, just due to the simple fact that you're not around, and no matter what anyone was saying. I would have a lot of resentment towards you. You can turn this around while she's still young, and develop that relationship. If you wait, the distance and resentment will likely be huge. If you don't get involved, I think she's going to be messed up to some degree from knowing her dad was able to be there, but chose not to be for whatever reason.

 

Not saying this is going to be easy or conflict-free - I'm sure it will not be - but I think you may have some regrets in the future if you don't try harder now. So for your sake too I hope you are able to have contact.

Edited November 16, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Tayla]

OP- Get a family mediator. Did you clean up your side of the street and validate any truths coming from the mother? Step up, own your part and consider a mediator to step in and manage the beginning phase of co parenting. you are bailing to eagerly and justifying it....probably not a good thing.....

[ConfusedCanadian]

Wow honestly can't believe I just read that I hope you aren't being serious about turning your back on your own child! I have two kids and an ex-wife that is a complete pain in my ass, and I can't wait for the day that I never have to hear her voice again, but my kids are everything to me, and if I have to put up with my ex for the well being of my children then as a father that is exactly what I will do! There is nothing she could say or do that would make me not want to spend every second possible with my children.

 

You have already lost two years, which is just ridiculous to begin with but now you can't suck it up for the sake of your daughter. Not sure you have any right to say you love your daughter if you will walk away so easily!