Just what do I tell my kids if he never comes back? Or if he does?

[OneFootOut]

My ex and I split in 2009. I spent a great deal of time encouraging a relationship between him and our kids who had just turned 2 and 3. As they got older, he finally started coming to visit them more and was pretty regular at every couple weeks. Over the last 2 years or so, his visits have been more sporadic and spaced further and further apart.

 

This past August, he had asked to keep the kids for a few days to take them school shopping, as we have always shared the load of starting the school year and stuff like that. He kept them for 4 days and didn't even buy them a pencil. He brought a small box of clothes with them that had been at his house, apparently for a long while. Nothing fit them, most were 2 sizes too small. He lives with his mother and sister and neither of them had pitched in either.

 

Well.. he dropped them back home on Aug 22nd, and we haven't seen or heard from him since. He never calls, and he hasn't emailed to ask about the kids or plan the next meeting. He's fine, because mutual friends see that he's still active on FB and elsewhere.

 

I'm at the point where I just don't feel its my responsibility to push and prod him to care about the kids. If he can't get here, he could phone, or even skype with them. But he refuses.

 

I never mention him, and the kids rarely ask about him.

 

How long is too long to be gone without contact and then expect to just pop back in?

 

I keep wondering what to do or how to react if he decides to show up around the holidays to take them for a visit. Frankly, I don't think its fair to do that to the kids.. and I know it will just hurt and upset them when he leaves again.

However, if I don't allow him to take them for a visit, then that's going to make me the bad guy - who "kept him from seeing his kids".

 

Then there is the possibility that he just won't show up again. What do I say when Christmas comes and goes and he's not to be seen or heard from?

 

I think he needs to stay regular, or stay gone.

 

Anyone else dealing with this? Thoughts?

 

By the way.. each of us is still single and unattached, so no, he's not trying to be busy with someone else. I have full custody of the kids, he didn't blink an eye about that and didn't even want joint custody.

[still_an_Angel]

My stbxh left us and stayed away for 2years, he lived overseas and his communication with the kids were sporadic all that time. He even went out of radar for a good 8 months where there were no calls, emails, skype or anything (including financial support). While i fought and struggled with everything to keep us alive, I never hid anything from my kids. Although I did not badmouth their dad, they saw what was happening and we dealt with no response from emails or those long-awaited response from fb messages. There was nothing I could do except be honest about our circumstances, our lives, and saying I don't really know what is their dad up to. I just carried on and didn't mention him. After 2 years, he shows up.

 

It might have been better if he just stayed away, because its now 2 years since he returned and is back in our lives again but my son is still in counseling, trying to deal with all his emotions, anger, his suppressed feelings about his dad and all that. Each child is different thus the outcomes will vary. All I could do while he was gone was to be the stable, reliable parent and be consistent in my love and support.

 

Don't wait for him to do his parenting, if and when he decides to come back, he has to deal with the aloofness of the kids, the questions, mistrust (maybe) and keeping up with all the changes in the kids. You can't make him do anything and its his choice to stay away. Always stay positive for the kids. We are women of power and determination, we will get through this alive and still kicking. All the best to you.

 

((hugs)) Angel