Need Direction

[optomistic_nonsense]

Hi Loveshackers. So. Super long story short:

 

My ex husband and i disbanded roughly five years ago. We had a son together who just turned 5 this past June. Hes a child in which i could have only dreamed of. Smart, well behaved, and is surrounded by people who love him.

 

Up until recently, the waters have fortunately always been calm between me and my ex. We dont speak much, and if we do its only in regards to our boy. No drama. Wonderful custody schedule (given the situation), and because our lives have been this way for so long now, our son doesnt know anything else.

 

I remarried this past June. My husband is an outstanding step father and a huge, huge part of my sons life. They do so perfectly with each other. Also no "baby daddy" drama and God willing there wont be.

 

My son, who never brings up his bio dad or his family, has recently made small remarks during bath or bedtime or any other activity he isn't fond of like "I miss *insert bio dads first name*". The selfish part of me gets annoyed with the comment, the other part of me falls apart inside. Bio dad and I have two very different parenting techniques. BD lets our son run the town. I do not. I am not a strict mom perse but my son knows I am the pack leader. We have routine, which includes a solid bedtime. BD does not, etc.

 

So....I am looking straight ahead and foreseeing this to be an issue in the future. Has anyone else gone thru this? Any damage control advice out there? BD does not take confrontation well. He's short fused.

[Elias33]

First of all, let him openly miss his dad if he feels the need to say it. Be sympathetic and offer comfort. My son many times missed his mommy and even talked about the step-dad. And I can relate to your inner dialogue, but remember, that inner voice is being selfish. You create a much more stable situation for your son if you are supportive when he misses his dad. You'll give him something many co-parents over look. It's the last thing you can give him that is close to a traditional household.

 

As for different parenting styles, deal with them as they come up. Do not predict or assume. Stay calm, and most importantly, don't mix emotional responses about missing his dad, with parenting differences. It doesn't matter why he misses his dad. Good luck to you.

[still_an_Angel]

Be supportive when he verbalizes his feelings for his BD, this is normal, he probably talks a lot about you and your new hubby to BD as well. I always encourage the kids to call their dad, or drive them to where he lives, etc, it just shows the kids that there is no animosity between me and their dad. I even invite their dad for sleepovers in my house (so I can go out hehe).

 

 

As for parenting styles, this issue has come up many times and has caused further discord between me and stbxH, he acknowledges his very lax rules, and he knows the kids love it at his house because he lets them get away with murder. We have spoken about this countless of times because I feel the "routine" we have is broken every time the kids spend time with him. But as the primary caregiver, our lives have to run on rules, routines, etc. It took a while for him to come on board with me on this one, but with constant communication (me initiating), he has finally come around and at least tries to follow bedtime rules, eating candy rules, etc. Its been a long process and will likely continue longer because our parenting styles is just so different from each other. Be patient and talk to him, the kids need boundaries and rules and as co-parents, we have to be united on that front.