Teen Pregnancy

[JBird2001]

I am currently living with my soon-to-be-ex girlfriend of 6 years. At first glance it appears awkward that we’re still living in the same house, because it’s not as simple as just moving out overnight. But that’s not why I’m writing.

 

Her 18-year old daughter is going to a state university and this is her first year. It is also her last. She is pregnant.

 

Even though she’s not my daughter, I did know her through her middle-school and high-school years and tried to provide the best guidance. I’m fairly certain she was a virgin when she started her first semester.

 

And now I can’t begin to describe how disappointed I am, although I did tell her in so many words. She had a shot at a college education and a great future. Although she says she plans on continuing her education, I doubt she actually will. Not at the level that will enable her to become a professional, just like she planned. She loves being in the spotlight, so I know she’s looking forward to all the attention she’ll get. But she’s incredibly naïve and has no idea what she’s facing. I don’t know the guy who impregnated her, and if he plans on marrying her, or even plans on living with her and supporting his child.

 

Here is what I told her: “I am gravely disappointed. This is not happy news. There’s no way you can raise a child at this stage in your life without creating undue hardships on yourself and your mother and the rest of your family. You need to consider your options very carefully.”

 

She may have expectations of me, since she looks to me like a father-figure, but her mother and I are at the end stages of our relationship and I’m ready to move on, and hope someday to have a family of my own. I just need some perspective. Thanks!

[Candy_Pants]

Perspective? This isn't your "problem". She's legally an adult. And you're leaving her mother.

 

I don't understand the purpose of this thread.

[amaysngrace]

This isn't any of your business Mister.

 

She's not your family and telling her that a baby is not good news means you've already said more than you should have.

 

Haven't you ever heard of the expression "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing"?

 

A baby is love.

[Cakess]

Yeah...since you're already breaking up with your girlfriend, it's no longer your problem, but someone else's. I think what you said was mean, although I agree with it, and since you've seen her grow up you probably do really see her as a kind of daughter. But it's best to stay out of their issues now, because you no longer have a say anymore.

[pink_sugar]

While you've been through many years with your girlfriend and her daughter, you need to remember that you are also not legally her stepfather and also in the process of leaving her mother. I know my mom has been with my stepdad since I was like 2 and mom has always made it clear that he knows his boundaries and that parenting is HER responsibility. Where is this girl's biological dad? Anyways, no matter what, she is an adult, so this also really isn't a teen pregnancy either as labeled in your thread. Teen pregnancy is 17 and under. Unless you still plan to be involved in this girl's life once you and her mom break up, it really has no bearing on you.

[MuscleCarFan]

Why is this any concern of yours? You are on your way out of the relationship and what this young girl chooses to do with her life is her business. She can continue her education by taking online classes.

[Radu]

OP, the bigger question here is ... does she look at you as a rolemodel ?

Were you an influence of that kind in her life ?

 

Only her biological parent, or adoptive parent has the kind of influence that could get away with 'you do this' or 'you should do this' [for over 18].

You, are not even a stepdad [from a legel pov], and if she sees you as just 'mom's bf', then you are not even vested with authority by her.

 

If she sees you as a rolemodel, as an influence, then you are vested with some authority.

In which case it's up to you to decide weather or not you should continue your relationship with her, after the relationship with her mother ends.

 

So, taking into account the above, your message to her was either grossly inapropriate or just barely apropiate.

[Els]

IMO, you should stay out of it, especially since you're not going to be with her mother anymore. You'll do more harm than good at this rate, the last thing she needs is a man who is going to be out of her life soon judging her for this.

 

This is for her and her mother to discuss and decide.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Elswyth

[Lani]

I agree with the others... this is no longer your concern.

If you're going to say nasty things when someone needs you most, then they are most certainly better off without you.

 

Leave this poor girl alone to raise her baby, and take your judgemental attitude with you.

[Shepp]

It's really not your place to decide what's happy news for her and what isn't!!!

 

There's no reason why having a child young can't be happy news! Maybe you should if asked her how she felt!

[pink_sugar]

I don't think it's his reaction that was as much out of line as it was his position. If he was the biological or legal stepparent that raised her all her life, I could understand a bit more. I don't know many parents who would react positively to their 18 year old getting pregnant. My dad's reaction to my getting married at 19 was much much worse. I think the OP had the best intentions, but overstepped his boundaries, which can easily strain a stepparent/stepchild relationship dynamic. If I was the bio parent, I would definitely let them know I was disappointed and my opinion on the matter and try and help them make the best decision possible. However, as someone's long term boyfriend or girlfriend, it wouldn't be my right to say anything.

[mea_M]

Having a baby a age 18 will present enough challenges to this young girl. I'd leave it be. It's her situation to handle and god bless a young mother. As mothering at any age is hard enough.

 

Mea :-)

[turnera]

Personally, I'd rather have seen you said it's going to be hard but I have faith in you to accomplish your dreams. Kids live up - or down - to our expectations.

[Tayla]

Already type cast the young adult before her formitive years can be addressed. Parents/guardians/ relatives/ friends are lifelines during challenging and life changing times. You are either in the boat with them or the hurricane that sends them overboard. I was a teen parent and endured the hurricanes yet did so with parents who shielded me from the naysayers who said i ruined my life. If ruining my life meant raising two beautiful sons and yes going thru hard times then i'd do it again ( just a little wiser though).i didnt attain a college education, yet food and employment got my kids to adulthood. The boat was missed when you cast shame and disappointment on a person who desired supportive words. Learn from this and maybe you will guard your words and action should this arise again in your life.

[turnera]

You can always go back to her and apologize. Tell her it was an emotional moment for you because you had such big dreams for where she was going. But now that you've calmed down, you realize she can still do it all, and you know she will, because she's that awesome. Leave her with that, ok?