How to cope with my bfs 4 yr old and ex

[Melinda]

I'm a 19 yr old female and I have been with my bf for 9 months and while I love him to death and am happy with the relationship I am sending him insane with my insecurities about his friendship with his ex and his 4 yr old daughter.

 

I admit I tried a lot harder at the start of the relationship but the past 5 months I haven't been coping much at all. Not having any friends down here to talk to doesn't help either as i moved to Sydney just this year.

 

Leaving is not the answer I want to hear either!!! I think that even reading oher people's stories who are in a similar situation as me would help, or reading anyone's advice on finding ways of coping.

 

Hope someone has some idea!

[Al]

Well I wish I could help you or give you tips on how to deal but I actually posted a similar situation asking for advice or help. You see, my boyfriend also has a child with another woman and I have a very hard time with it and don't know why. I have insecurities of what the future may bring b/c of this child but yet I love the guy to death. I don't know what to tell you to help you deal but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and that other people are in your same situation. I have friends to talk to but none of them really know what to tell me since they aren't in the same situation and have a hard time putting themselves in my place. I guess what I can tell you is stay strong and hopefully both of us can overcome our insecurities. And when you do, I'd love to hear about it!

[Jesslynn]

Hey! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Just keep your head up and live life to the fullest~! I am in the same situation. My boyfriend of 15 months has a beautiful 18 month year old daughter. I have been in her life since she was 2 months old. My boyfriend and his ex girlfriend still talk almost everyday and he still does stuff for her life. If she needs to go somewhere he will take her! I have just learned to deal with the situation. I mean I love my boyfriend so much so I do deal with it the best possible ways i can. Its amazing what you will do if u love someone so much~! I mean I still get real angry inside but I keep it to myself. Its the best way possible! All I can tell you hun is to keep your head up and stick around if you can still with it or get out while you can~! Take care~! Oh and ya you are only 19 there is more fish in the sea~! I mean I am young myself (18)~! well buhbye

[Melinda]

Well jess I have already found the fish I want

 

And Al, I have a hard time keeping it inside. Until i find some strength, i'm reduced to crying all the time when i feel like it is all too much.

 

But reading your story made me realise, well if he's driving her around everywhere that's a little more to deal with...and you still keep your head...so I'm going to try to be like you and keep the anger and hurt inside...because afterall i chose to be in this situation...

 

I have only been in his daughter's life for 9 months but she adores me and is also the most beautiful kid i've ever seen! But i do wonder about the future...like when she's a teenager (scary thing to imagine) I mean I'd be a very young stepmum to her as there's only 15 years between us...and I worry about her feeling like she has to like me less in order to stay loyal to her mum?

 

but my bf tried to reassure me that, if she likes me now, and grows up around me, that she will just think "oh thats Melinda"...but i don't believe it's going to be that simple...if i'm still around, which i really hope is the case, i guess when she's older I will explain to her that I don't want to act like her mum, cause i'm not, but i would like to be her friend...do you think that sounds ok?

 

And how old is too young to really understand what's going on? I mean she's a very smart girl, and knows things that even I don't know!!!

[Jesslynn]

Melinda,

Hey~! I'm so glad that you responded to what I had to say~!!! I so didn't mean to put there is other fish in the sea~! I'm so sorry girl~!!!! I know what you mean every bit of it~!!! It's so hard to deal with stress and things that I am one of the weakest person you will ever meet~! But like I said in the last response it's crazy what you will do when you are in love~!!!! Right!! I mean the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with is this situation. I mean nobody wants to have this brought on to them or be in this situation~!!! Right now I am on some anti-depressant. That is also what keeps me sain and helps me to be happy lol I mean I shouldn't have to take medicine to make me better. I should be able to handle it by myself. My boyfriends daughter is my everything. I mean I don't have any kids of my own and she is really like my own. Like you said in your response I would never try to take the place and step in and try to be her mother. She has a very good mother~! I'm so glad I got in her life when I did cause ya know she can grow up around me and get used to me.... Ya when she is about 13 and being a teenager I am gonna try to be the best person to her that I can be especially a friend because all people need a friend..... when I came to this website and seen your response my heart went out to you. I never thought in this world that there would be another female that was in my situation that wanted to stay. Most females wouldn't put up with the ex and the boyfriend they would straight up leave but ya know im not that strong of a person.....I cry easy and littlest things bother me....I sometimes get to the point where I cant take it anymore~!!!!! I sometimes wish he wasnt that nice to her as he is. See they was together for 6 years before we got together and He wanted out so bad and told me he hated the b**ch and didnt ever wanted to talk to her again. Part of me wished that he wouldnt talk to her but I cant stop that~!!! They have a kid together and one thing is I would never try to come in between him and his daughter....I could never do that I'm not that harsh of a person. All I wish for is him not talk to her as much as he does and like he doesn't have to do things for her like take her places she has family and a boyfriend.... If he didnt do all that I bet we would get along better and I sometimes wouldn't have to worry...But we get along pretty good most of the time it's just when she is around I get all grippy and in this weird mood I cant even explain!!!! I mean if he didnt ignore me as much when she is around and stuff everything would be just fine......its just the simplest things that get to me when they are around each other that I dont like!!!! I know I am not jealous of her!!! I guess I'm just not use to my old boyfriends being around there ex before and I dont know how to take it. How much older is your boyfriend than you are. See I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 22 not that big of a difference I mean age isn't nothing but a number anyways..... Are you a real emotional person? I know I am~!!!! Sorry most of the response was about my life I mean if you want to you can tell me more about your situation anytime if you want...... I'll respond back but please just keep your head up and stay strong......I mean I don't have anyone to tell my problems to other than my boyfriend but this problem I feel I can't talk to him about it or maybe I think it is I just don't want to....Well take care girl either give me a response on here or e-mail sometime I'll keep checking the website Good luck~!!!! ~*Jesslynn*~

[toots307]

An 18 yr old and a 19 yr old loving their boyfriends to death - You girls are soooooooooooooo young. Trust me - I'm 29 and I know how mature I thought I was at 18 but when you grow up, you'll realize that you really aren't ready for the life you have chosen. And these guys you are with - why did they leave their kids?? When times get tough they bail out? What happens if you decide to have kids with him? You are both too young to be mother's to someone else's kid. Don't throw away the best years of your life. I had a bf that had 2 kids. He was much older than me. I played the game and was so in love with him that I let everything just slide. Boy oh boy when I finally woke up it felt wonderful!!!!! Start loving yourselves and fill up your life with things that are for you. Don't seek fulfillment from someone else's child. You will be sorry one day if you continue to just pretend all is well when it clearly is not. You are women - you are strong. Live for you and the right relationship will happen.

[Melinda]

Well well well...first of all at the start I was really excited about having his 4 yr old over once a week, until the novelty wore off of course...then it got really difficult for me, but at the moment it's not too bad...I know I'm not ready for a kid of my own, because I can't provide a future for it at the moment...

 

Anyway to my point, as of yesterday, my nine months of hard work has gone out the window, nine months of me being nice to his ex, to get a civil relationship going etc etc...because yesterday she rang my bf asking if his mum had bought their kid a christmas present yet (what, does she think his mum's made of money at the moment - she's been on about it for quite awhile now...) anyway he finally snapped and asked her to stop calling him every two seconds for every little thing because it upset me and he wants me to be happy...

 

So then she ended up screaming at him like the good old days when they were together and he called her a psycho and that she wasn't his gf anymore so he was sick of hearing it"

 

Thing is now I look like the bad person in all of this cause she called me two-faced rah rah rah in her screaming fit who knows what else she said about me...just because I sent her family a christmas card on my bfs and i's behalf...and it was a genuine thing to do, if I didn't want to be nice, i wouldn't of sent one...but that's where the two-faced comment came from...like i've been nice to her for nothing this year, when that's not true!!! I don't hate her, we can get along fine, doesn't mean she doesn't notice how much she calls him every week for things that could wait until Sunday!!!

 

My bf says not to stand down to her, because I told him i didn't think it'd be a very good idea for me to go for the drive to pick his daughter up anymore...and he said "awww" but I don't know I guess I can't hide from her forever...he said yesterday not to worry, that she just says things when she's angry but I have a feeling she's been waiting for an excuse to not like me...I guess it's easier for us to hate each other than it is to make the effort to get along...which i'm still all for cause i'm not a complete child...he said she's just looking for excuses...but i have a feeling she meant every word she said about me Like deep down she resents the fact that after a year or two of waiting around never moving on...that my bf is never going back to her...

 

I have tried so hard this year to make sure I didn't give her any reason to hate me, all for what!!! How do I explain to her that I didn't put him up to it yesterday? His mum said to give her a call but I don't want to here her bitchy comments or opinions. So then she suggested I write her a letter, explaining how I felt (that I did genuinly like her, but it was just my insecurity...) but that my bf came out with it wrong and that we didn't mean to make her mad or hurt her feelings...

 

To make things worse, when she finally called late yesterday afternoon he just said to her "I'm not f***ing talking to you" and hung up...so much for her getting over it he's just prolonging it?! I feel like it's all my fault

 

Sorry about the long post guys...

[HokeyReligions]

I've never been in your situations, but from an outsiders POV all I can say is that you need to work on your trust issues with your bf's. They will always be in contact with their childs mother and that is a good thing. As a step-parent you will have to do some parenting yourself, but ultimately the decisions regarding the children must be made by the parents.

 

Stay strong and be happy in your relationships - trust your men. If you don't feel you can trust them then ask yourselves why. He chose you and you chose him and from that point you need to build the relationship you have. If an ex is having problems with you being in their childs life then you just need to reassure the ex that you are not trying to take her place, and that you want their child to have a positive expereince when in your home. You have to build up some trust between you and the ex too - where the child is concerned.

 

Be honest with your men when you feel you need some reassurance, but try not to be whiny or needy about it. Be supportive -- you want your men to be happy too.

 

It's a tough situation and I feel for you. I'm sure there are some self-help books for step-parents that may be able to give you some more hints or insight. Maybe even a support group. In one of the churches I used to go to there was a "step-parents" group for people to get together and discuss problems and solutions and get some emotional support.

[ROSEBUD]

Hey Melinda,

 

I am giving you my opinion about how to handle the situation. About 11 years ago back when I was 19. I dated a guy who had a child with another woman and it was awful. A big part of what you are trying to decide is how serious you wanting to be with the dad. If you really love him than you need to consider what the relationship between you and kid's mom would be like. Especially if marriage is in the picture. Because you are talking about becoming a possible step-parent. Is this something everyone is prepared for and are you going to have parenting rights and responsibilites with this child? Also If things don't work out then not only is this child dealing with the crap of his parents not being together as a family but also he is now losing his second mommy. Not fair for kid!. In my experience I am so glad that I cut things off. I have two kids of my own now and I know deep down in my heart I could never love somebody else's kids as much as I love my own. Also not fair to his kid. It's not just about you but also about what will be best for the kid's in the long run. I know you love him now but you are sooo young. Don't be in a huge hurry to jump into family it's hard enough when your my age. You will miss out on so much.

 

Rosebud

[toots307]

Hey Rosebud,

 

I just wanted to say that was a really great post you put out. I really hope Melinda listens. It's so hard to make others see things. People always say 'oh I wish I had of known back then what I know now.' Having been 19 and in love 10 yrs ago I thought I knew it all and no one could tell me what was best for me - I figured they just don't know - they were just not as in love as I am bla bla bla. While on one hand I feel my mistakes were just part of growing and learning, on the other hand I could have avoided so much hurt if only I had listened to people's advice.

 

Good luck Melinda - you're in for a long, hard road if you stay with this guy.

[Melinda]

Thanks for your info. Things have already changed between me and the ex, and don't worry I always had the kid in mind, since she's gotten to know me for the past 9 months etc...anyway the ex asked me last week if I wanted to go shopping with her sometime.

 

So this week I called her to see if she was still up for it, and we went shopping for a couple of hours and got along great and had a great laugh etc. She told me whenever my bf goes out for one of his allnighters with the boys to give her a call and we can go to the movies or something!

 

So that would be better than sitting around at home every weekend. And I agree I need to trust my bf more. It's just i've had bad experiences in the past, in being too cruisy and then having them run off with other girls...so now that I have found someone I really care about I don't want to let that happen again.

 

I know things aren't going to be easy, but I don't think it's going to really be that negative either.

 

My time will come, he tells me he wants to marry me, so I try to remember that when I'm sad, and try to remain patient in that my time will come to have his child also.

 

Doesn't mean I won't still feel jealous of him going to her house playing happy families...but what can I do about that?

[toots307]

So who's with the child while bf is pulling an all nighter and you and the mom are at the movies??? Hey - maybe you and the mom can compare sex stories about your ex!! Wow what a great friend she will be!!

 

Girl, you are selling yourself short. You really have no one else to hang out with other than the mother of your bf's child?? That just isn't right for someone who is only 19.

 

I would bet money that in 10yrs you will look at your life and think 'how did i end up where I am?' And you'll think back to when you were only 9 months into your relationship and you'll remember coming on here asking for people's thoughts and you'll say 'why didn't I get out of this then?'

 

You are 19 - you have (God willing) many, many years before settling down should even be an issue. You should be out having fun - dating, dancing, making lots of new friends, living it up - instead you are stressing over whether or not your bf's ex likes you - that's wrong!!!

 

If you're really adamant about staying with your bf do yourself at least one favour - get out and enjoy life!!! Forget about the kid's mom and get some friends of your own. Life is just too short and you are better than you are giving yourself credit.

 

Good luck hun!!

[Melinda]

How do you expect me to make my own friends? Maybe when I can find a job i will make them, but until then what am I supposed to do...go to clubs by myself hoping that I will befriend a group of girls, and just go up to them and say "Hey wanna be my friend?" I don't think so!!!

 

I know it's a bit strange about becoming friends with the ex, but I would never go there...(swapping sex stories) I mean I don't want to know!, but i'm just making the best out of what I have at the moment, and people like saying "oh you'll look back in 10 years and think your life is crap" well I don't really believe that, just because i'm only 19, and just happen to have fallen in love, doesn't make me stupid. It's not the end of the world for relationships just because your partner accidently got someone pregnant when they were together with them and decided to keep the baby...

 

I don't really take these opinions too seriously, but it's still interesting to see what people have to say...

 

I've never really been interested in "living it up"anyway...like me being a young girl isn't a licence to be a slut!!! And I used to be a keen sportswoman and never got into the parties/clubs alcohol and all of that so i'm not missing out on anything at all...none of that really appeals to me...and i'm quite happy at the thought of settling down already because there's nothing better than the feeling of stability in my life.

[Melinda]

The kid was already staying at her Nanna's for the night watching Christmas Carols when we decided to go out. So it's not like the child was being neglected in all of this...

[toots307]

Living in up doesn't have to mean going out and drinking.

 

How to meet people? Believe it or not making friends is not restricted to going out to bars. What about church? Or, since you like sports, how about joining a team? Maybe there is some kind of club you could join?

 

Also, you don't have to make a choice between being a slut or being committed to someone - that's ridiculous. I understand your defensiveness - I expected it - I've been there.

 

When I played house with a man with kids NO ONE could tell me a darn thing. I thought they were all idiots. I made all kinds of excuses for the guy - said things like 'just because the girl decided to have a baby and went off her birth control behind his back doesn't mean he's a bad person - yadda yadda yadda'.

 

Making the best out of the situation just sounds really sad to me. But hey, you're totally happy and your life is going just how you probably always imagined it would - you have a really great guy and he loves you more than life so keep up the good work.

[toots307]

Melinda,

 

I feel perhaps my opinions/comments may have come off too harshly and for that, I apologize. You posted a bit of your story and right away I felt this urge to 'save' someone that sounded so much like myself not so many years ago. Problem is, you're not me and I'm not you and your situation, while similar, is simply not the same. I wasn't ready for the relationship I chose. I fell for a guy and let my 'love' for him completely control me. I loved his daughter and kept telling myself that things were good enough when truly they weren't. My ex bf loved his little girl I'm sure but he really didn't do much to show it. He never arranged to see her - he saw her quite often but only because either myself or the child's mother arranged it. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, first day of school, whatever the occasion, it was always ME making it special for the child while the father went out and lived his life and did whatever the heck he wanted.

Another thing I found difficult was trying to deal with the fact that I had no right to instill rules/values to the child that were contradictory to what the mother was teaching her. The mother thought it was fine to plunk her daughter in front to the TV all day because it kept her out of her hair. The mother also didn't enforce a regular bedtime. Little things that made me always look like the bad guy and anytime I felt I was making progress, the child went back home and it was all erased. It was frustrating for me and I started feeling some resent toward the child's mother.

Anyway, I don't need to go on and on. Things were not right between the ex bf and me and I let it continue and kept believing that I loved him enough to make it all work. I was wrong and I thought maybe you were just trying to convince yourself of the same sort of thing.

I was also never a party type - I have partied lots in my life but I always wanted to settle down and get married and all that. I realize now that I simply was not ready to settle down before - took me a lot of years and a lot of heartache to finally realize that.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck Melinda and I hope in 10 years you will look back and be very happy with the choices you've made.

[Melinda]

Well that's the thing about life isn't it, life is one big risk...you can't live your day to day life thinking "Now am I going to regret this in 10 years?" You can just never tell. If I really didn't want to hear other people's opinions (in the risk of taking what they say the wrong way - you can't tell what tone people are using on here) then I really wouldn't visit. As long as no-one unfairly attacks me I like hearing other people's advice and stories and what worked for them, and what didn't, I don't let anyone encourage me to make decisions either way...unless I specifically asked "What should I do" because like you said, no-one knows all the details about what's going on behind the scenes of what we say...

 

I would rather dive in, live life the only way I know how, and hope for the best, then if it all falls apart, hopefully I can learn from my mistakes the second time around.

 

To say I didn't worry about what the future has in store for me would be untrue, but I try not to let it ruin the choices I have already made, I want to enjoy my time in my boyfriends life, through the good times and bad. Everytime we go through something bad, and we get through it, we appreciate our relationship more and more. It makes us believe if we have gotten through the things we have, we can get through anything together in the future.

 

I don't try to discipline the child. If she hurts my feelings or does something that upsets me or I don't agree with, I'm not afraid of simply letting her know anymore. I used to always complain to my boyfriend to pull her into line but I got sick of running to him.

 

I ignore a lot of her behaviour now, since she's only 4, she's still learning what's right and what's wrong. It's mainly her mouth that gets her into trouble, but she's been brought up around fights and bad language etc so she's not really to blame for her attitude either.

 

I like not having to worry about being the mean parent who punishes her, I have it easy, but when she's in my home I will set my boyfriend straight and let him know that I will have rights too, and that when she's in my home she won't get away with everything. "She's only 4" is going to wear a little thin. And that's no excuse as we've all been 4 and were still disciplined as best our parents knew how.

 

It's pretty much hit and miss with kids I think.

 

Anyway thanks for your posts. I'd like to believe I'm not "fooling myself into thinking that I love him enough to make it work"...because if it doesn't work, that will be because I have let it bother me and get the better of me...because I know he wants me to stick around to find out, not to just give up on him now...

 

I do love him to death, so that's good enough for me at this exact point in time!

[KeanuLink]

Wow, it makes me feel semi better knowing that there are other girls in this same situation...And as well as all the others..I, too, am very young...17 to be exact. Hm. I really wish I could help, but maybe just talking to someone whos in the same situation will help. Because I surely think that having a conversation with you and talking about all of these problems would help me. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here...I suppose I'm just saying you can msg me on KeanuLink on AIM if you want to talk. And I hope things get better, I don't know how to help you. But I'll try in any way if possible...

[AllyKat]

Think of this child. If you want to be in this relationship, even if it kills you, be kind to her mother. If she wants to yell, let her, but dont go to her level.

 

Regardless if you are ready for children or not, you have entered a childs life. No, you arent the mother, she has one, but you are a woman in her fathers life. This baby will always be around, as will her mother. Now, its up to you to see how you want it to go. It seems to me, if she wants to scream and yell...then you cant stop her, but you can control you.

[Melinda]

When you're the one entering into a situation where prominent things are already in someone's life, like a child, of course you have to "make the best" of that situation...why should it sound sad?

 

When you're the one consciously "going there" then you've chosen to still make happiness out of what you have...even out of the hurt that doing so may be caused...I've traded a lot of my hurt and insecure thoughts into ones that are more along the lines of "Ok so he has an ex, a child a past...well I still have his future, and that will one day include a marriage and hopefully a child of his also"

 

...whether or not I end up getting that is another question...but all that aside I'm still pretty lucky, because I've found someone I love and who loves me in return...and I know that while I'm with him, I have something to work towards in my future, and that's making one, with him!

 

So what if he's already been there done that...I will get it one day too, except the better thing for me is that this child will be planned...

[summerfelt26]

Do you and your boyfriend go out often? Is the ex civil with you at all? How is his child taking to you? I am married to a man with a 4 yrd old. but he doesn't get along with is ex. we have date night at least once a month if not twice.

[Melinda]

Hey Summer

 

Well for the past couple of months the ex and I have become friends...we go shopping, talk on the phone, go to the movies etc...she came over on christmas and watched her daughter opening presents from me and her dad etc...just recently she offered to take me to my job interview and then we went shopping afterwards, then that night me, my bf, her and his daughter all went to a theme park together and had a really fun time...and it must of been nice for his daughter to have his parents in the same place getting along...you ask how the 4 yr old talks to me...well she never stops takling about me apparently so thankfully she likes me...so it was like she was in heaven at the theme park, because she had "all three parents" together...she's a little cutie!!!

 

My mum still can't really get her head around the situation, because she knows how rare it is for the ex and the current gf to become such good friends and have no issues, especially when a kid's involved, but the ex said that she accepts that her and my bf were no good for each other and that since i've been in the picture, they have gotten along better, and he sees his daughter consistently every week...so she is kind of grateful towards me for that...she just wants to stay friends with him, so that her daughter grows up having a male role model and knows who her father is and that although he may not always be around, that he still cares about her and stuff.

[Melinda]

We do everyday things together like have lunch etc or go shopping, sometimes we go out for dinner things like that. he's just bought himself a 2 door bmw so we'll be going together to pick that up and pick his daughter up and going for a drive in it!

[Jesslynn]

Hey Melinda! Gosh it has been so long since I have been on this webpage!!! The last reply on this topic was in November so I am hoping that you will get this!! I am so happy for you that you are getting along with his ex!!! That is so wonderful!! I am so happy for you that the situation has came around and become good!! Everything in my life couldn't be better!! I have nothing to complain about at all. Everything is good around here! Thank God! I now babysit his daughter and everything 5 days a week!!! When her mom comes and picks her up, I hate to see when the baby goes home cause I miss her so much!!! I really do hate to see her go!!! The baby is 19 months now and she is so cute!! She is starting to talk more and tells me she loves me and gives me kisses!!! When she does that wouldn't trade those moments for nothing in the world! It is truly amazing how much I love her!! My boyfriend's ex we get along good!! We aren't friends like you and your bf's ex is but his ex has offered me to go places with her and she even picked me up from work one time. She is a very sweet woman. I have no problems with her and I don't look down at her what so ever she is a wonderful mother an a good person. I think so at least! She has never done nothing to me so I mean why I hate just because she is an ex!! That is such a stupid reason to hate a person for. But all I got to say is, is that I am happy for you and I hope life goes good for you. In the meantime, Respond back if ya want ok!!!! Buhbye~! Jesslynn!!