Considering blended family marriage

[Mauschen]

I was with an abusive man for 8 years...mostly severe verbal and emotional abuse, and some physical. We were married for 6 years and have 2 children (we have now been separated for 2 years and trying to finalize divorce papers - long, boring story). I have 90% physical custody of our kids.

 

Now I have a wonderful man who has expressed an interest in marrying me sometime in the future (1-2 years from now). I love him very much, but also am realistic about all of the difficulties we will face. I have known him as an acquaintance since high school, and we've been dating for a year.

 

I am happy with our lives now, and I am afraid a future marriage will ruin what we have.

 

I would love to hear advice from anyone involved in a blended family.

 

Here are the issues I am concerned about:

1. My 6 year-old daughter is a challenging head-strong child, and my boyfriend has not spent any time with her. I'm afraid that her personality will make him want to run away.

 

2. My boyfriend has a son, who would be the youngest child of "our" 3 children (my children are girl (6 years), boy (4 years); his child is a boy (3 years). I'm afraid that my children will pick on his child and he will get upset. My children are not mean-spirited, but I know that siblings fight...and the youngest usually gets the short end of the stick.

 

3. I am close to my boyfriend's son, but my boyfriend has not spent any time with my children (I usually see my boyfriend and his son when I have a baby sitter, my kids are with my parents, etc). I am not sure how my children will react to such a big change. And I am not sure how my boyfriend's child will react to seeing me with my own children - he loves me very much and is used to getting one-on-one attention from me.

 

The positives:

1. My boyfriend and I have known each other for a long time as friends, and we have great communication.

 

2. He is kind, flexible, and open-minded.

 

3. There is no baby mama drama on his side.

 

Thanks for any advice, people!

[TaraMaiden]

My goodness! Your family is not even together yet, and already you are looking at problems - ?

 

Why not look at how positive this wil be?

You know, a family problem cannot be sorted individually.

Make sure the children meet frequently, get to know one another, and spend time together.

have family times to discuss issues.

My mother, every sunday afternoon, would say - A tavola!! Si parla!"

That is, "everyone at the table, it's time to talk!"

And we would discuss all manner of things, not just family problems. we would discuss schoolwork, friends, family, everything, to share what was on our minds.

Sometimes, we had other things to do, or we only had a short time, but it was still something we enjoyed.

 

treat his children as yours, but let him treat your children as his.

Agree on how to discipline. For example, do you smack? does he? This is important, because if he ever thinks a smack for your child is necessary, would you agree?

Do you go to church together with family?

Things to think about on which to construct, not sabotage!

[D-Lish]

Why not make more of an effort to get all the kids together?

Any man that expresses an interest in marrying you should be taking an interest in getting to know your children better.

 

If he truly were to run off because your daughter is head strong- then he wouldn't be worth staying in a relationship with.

 

Why not start bringing the kids together in small doses and go from there.

It would also be nice if he would take more of an interest in spending time with your kids. If marriage is a possibility at some point- that isn't something that you can avoid, or should avoid.

[Mauschen]

Thank you for the responses.

 

My boyfriend is interested in my children; he asks about them all the time and I show him lots of pictures. I have avoided introducing them to him and his son because my kids have been very hurt in the past. I wanted to make sure my relationship with my boyfriend was a serious committed one before involving my children in it.

 

His parenting style is very similar to mine from what I've seen, but he has never been confronted with 3 kids at once, and as we all know - one child is much easier than 3.

 

I will try to get the whole lot of us together and see how it goes.

 

Thank you for listening!

[fooled once]

Blending families is hard. I did it 11 years ago.

 

We have had some hellacious rocky moments.

 

I have one son (20); my dh has 2 kids (son 26 and daughter 18).

 

There will always be situations of his versus hers.

 

There will always be inequity.

 

My advice -- don't go in expecting to be MOM to his child.

 

Don't expect him to be Dad to your kids.

 

Don't expect or force love for the kids or from the kids. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

 

Set your rules for your kids and STICK TO THEM. You should always be the one who administers physical discipline (if you use that). Your boyfriend / stepfather should NEVER lay hands on your children and the same goes for you.

 

Don't expect his son to be acting the same as your children. They are all being raised differently -- one way is not the right way and one way is not the wrong way -- just different.

 

Set house rules for when all the kids are together. STICK to them.

 

Don't become defensive when your boyfriend tells you when your children have done something wrong. All kids make bad decisions/misbehave. Don't look for the negatives with his child. Don't criticize his child to him.

 

Keep your heart and mind open. Praise often. I use to tell my DH all the time -- you can't only criticize, you have to praise too.

 

Remember that you all need to be flexible. Remember that there is no manual for parenting NOR marriage NOR blending families. It takes time (several years actually to blend a family).

[TaraMaiden]

This is a very wise post and worth paying attention to.....