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Teenager making himself miserable


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I've been with my partner for two years. She has two children -- a 14-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl - from a previous marriage.

 

The man she was married to was (and is) very manipulative and emotionally abusive. He constantly makes promises to the children that he doesn't keep, lies to them and works long hours and doesn't spend time with them, and the kids complain regularly about the way he makes them feel.

 

But he also does things to win their affection -- buy them big, expensive gifts (or promise to but then never deliver), roughhouse with them, let them watch restricted movies and do other things with them that their mother and I feel aren't appropriate.

 

A few months ago, my partner's son decided to live with his father full-time. He said he wasn't happy with the split custody arrangment, but just wanted to live in one place full time. And we were later told that my partner's ex and his family put a lot of pressure on him to move in with him, even going so far as to tell him when to cry on the phone (!) so his mother would give in and agree.

 

At the same time he moved to a new school. He made new friends at the new school and has his father's parents living right across the road, whom he spends a lot of time with. He also spends a great deal of time in his room playing videos games and watching TV.

 

Since he left, my partner and I have seen him get more and more depressed. He says his father doesn't spend time with him, made false promises to get him to move in (he promised he would work less, that he would get him a big screen TV, and a few other empty promises).

 

He actually spends a fair bit of time with us, or with my partner's sister (she has a son his age).

 

We can tell he's miserable living with his dad, but every time we bring up the subject he gets very mad and says "It's my choice!". We're now at the point where we don't see any point in bringing it up, and feel like there's nothing we can do but watch him get more and more miserable and hope he comes to his senses.

 

My partner's daughter is in a similar position -- she told us a couple of months ago that she wasn't happy with the split custody arrangment and wanted to move in with us full-time. We told her she could, but she hasn't yet and I'm starting to think she never will. Any time we bring it up with her, she gets mad and says "don't pressure me!!!"

 

My partner's ex and his family are very bad influences -- they rip people off, lie and manipulate their way through life and are teaching the same things to my partner's kids. Both kids lie to us all the time, her son has been caught stealing on numerous occasions, and we've found out her daughter bad-mouths my partner and I to her father (and does the same about him with us) on a regular basis -- e.g., making fun of her mother for crying when her son moved out.

 

We try to teach them right from wrong, but they don't seem to get it (or to care). We tried to get them both involved in counselling, but after a couple of sessions they refused to go.

 

My partner is actually taking it all pretty well, but I'm at the end of my rope. I love my partner to bits, but her kids are making me crazy. On the one hand I care about them, and want to see them turn out to healthy and well-adjusted and happy; but on the other hand I don't see any hope of that given their father's influence over them and the poor choices they're making. So every day I bounce back and forth between wanting to care, and feeling hurt and frustrated and disappointed because of that, and not wanting to care at all, and feeling guilty for it.

 

So I guess my questions are:

 

1) Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can deal with my partner's kids and the choices they're making? I can accept her daughter not wanting to move in with us full time, but to see her son get more and more depressed every day and still refuse to move back in... it just makes me shake my head.

 

2) Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should deal with this? Some people have told me I should just leave, but I really do love my partner and it would break my heart to go. So if I stay, how do I deal with the fact that her kids are such a major source of pain, frustration and concern in our lives?

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So I guess my questions are:

1) Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can deal with my partner's kids and the choices they're making?

 

2) Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should deal with this? Some people have told me I should just leave, but I really do love my partner and it would break my heart to go. So if I stay, how do I deal with the fact that her kids are such a major source of pain, frustration and concern in our lives?

1) Possibly try to see that they are each following a Higher Path that is all about their own Purpose and Lessons. It's not something that others can or ought to want to try to "protect" them from. (Just cos the 'purpose' isn't obvious, doesn't mean it ain't working in the background.) Detach from THEIR outcomes.

 

2) Forgive yourself that you can't do any more than you have done; allow your guilty feelings, and your feelings of helplessness/powerlessness. Love them because you can; be there for them when you can.

 

How this type of upset and frustration usually works for me, is that it turns out to be my frustration at myself, for my seeming inability to "make things better" or to have things how I'd prefer them to be -- I feel inadequate and as if my desires/needs are being thwarted, and blame the external situation for it.

 

Sorry -- I know all above is much easier to type than to try to take on as a new belief...but it's all I've got, from my own life experiences. Best of luck.

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