Issues with SO's son

[blind_otter]

So I took SO's son (SOS for short) to the video store on saturday night and quizzed him about why he wanted to move up here. I just wanted to hear his reasons, because when I have asked SO he has been vague about things.

 

Apparently SOS's main issue is his mother's BF. He cusses at SOS, calling him names. I asked about specific incidents to get a better idea and SOS cited some scenarios where the BF had a right to bring up an issue/disipline SOS for being disrespectful, but the BF negated his point by resorting to calling SOS names like "bitch" and "*******" and other names that I find completely offensive and totally inappropriate to call a 10 year old boy. It does wonder for his self esteem. There are also other issues - both his mom and her BF smoke inside the house and SOS complains that he stinks all the time and kids make fun of him at school saying that he smokes. I remember this happening to ME when I was little and it does suck. My friends used to refuse to trade food with me at lunch because everything I ate tasted like cigarettes.

 

I asked if SOS's mom knew about the cussing, he said yes - BF cusses him in front of his mother and she does nothing. When SOS talks to his mom about how it hurts his feelings she changes the subject/won't talk about it!!

 

So I talked to SO about this. He was surprised, as he has been trying to get SOS's reason for moving up here out of him and can't get a straight answer. I think SOS doesn't want his dad to know what is happening, but I had to tell him.

 

So we were trying to figure out what to do. Initially I felt like SO should talk to the mom's BF, directly. But SO thinks that the BF will just take it out even more on SOS. So we decided to talk to the mom, but I have little hope that that will help, if she witnesses the cussing and does nothing about it.

 

Anyone out there have advice? A different approach? Suggestions? It made me sad for my SO's son to hear about what has been going on. TBH, the mom's BF's behavior is really not cool and IMO borders on abusive.

[Curmudgeon]

Anyone out there have advice? A different approach? Suggestions? It made me sad for my SO's son to hear about what has been going on. TBH, the mom's BF's behavior is really not cool and IMO borders on abusive.

 

BF's behavior more than just borders on abuse, it is verbal and emotional abuse and the fact that the mother is aware of and permits it is going to add more scar's to SOS than just the ones the BF leaves.

 

Your SO coiuld always try for sole physical custody on the basis of this destructive behavior and bad environment but I'm sure, supposing he's paying child support, he'd have a fight on his hands from the womb donor.

 

Another option is to try to involve childrens protective services but usually, if there are utilities, food in the refrigerator and no visible scars, that's useless. If, perchance, it did come down to a custody issue, SOS might rollover on you and back his mother. That's not unusual.

 

As the father, has he talked to his ex about this? Has he confronted the boyfriend about this abusive behavior towards his son? If it was me I'd have talked once then taken a ballpeen hammer to his kneecaps if it happened again.

 

Probably nothing useful in any of that. Wish I could offer something more tangible.

[Kamille]

Yeah this is a tough one because it pits SOS's word against SO's ex-gf and her bf's.

 

Questions (and these are just questions - no judgement of SO's son):

 

What are the probabilities that SOS has made this story up? (I'm not saying he made it up - in fact your description sounds pretty detailed, which is a good indicator he is telling the thruth. It's just that these are pretty heavy accusations to carry out and unless GF collaborates SO's son's side of the story (and what are the chances of that??) then you must be sure you know SOS's son is telling the truth.).

 

Does what SOS revealed match your perception of GF and GF's bf's actions and attitudes?

 

How does he feel about his dad having another live-in child? Is that causing him any insecurity that might prompt him to want to get closer to his dad?

[blind_otter]

Questions (and these are just questions - no judgement of SO's son):

 

What are the probabilities that SOS has made this story up? (I'm not saying he made it up - in fact your description sounds pretty detailed, which is a good indicator he is telling the thruth. It's just that these are pretty heavy accusations to carry out and unless GF collaborates SO's son's side of the story (and what are the chances of that??) then you must be sure you know SOS's son is telling the truth.).

 

This crossed my mind, too. That's why I kept pressing him for examples and scenarios. These are the two he gave me:

 

1. One time SOS was watching TV. Mom's BF came in and said, "turn the volume down." SOS made a cheeky facial expression and did a thumbs up. Mom's BF said, "That's disrespectful, you little bitch!"

 

2. Another incident, SOS was in bed with his mom watching TV. Mom's BF came into the room and said "Get the hell off my bed, you little *beep*" (SOS would not say what swear word Mom's BF said, I assume it was really bad, as SOS does not like to swear at all and will use the word "beep" instead)

 

But he does have a tendency to embellish. According to SOS this happens daily, but IMO even if it only happens weekly/occassionall - that is still unacceptible.

 

Does what SOS revealed match your perception of GF and GF's bf's actions and attitudes?

 

I have never met the BF in person. So I can't really say. I always assumed he was relatively uninvolved in SOS's life, mainly because I never heard about him except through SOS. SO's ex is very tight lipped about her R with her BF.

 

How does he feel about his dad having another live-in child? Is that causing him any insecurity that might prompt him to want to get closer to his dad?

 

This is definitely an issue. The first thing he said when he found out I was pregnant was, "I think you will love the baby more than you love me because the baby will be here all the time and I only see you every other weekend."

 

I know this has been a concern of his, and as a result we are trying to involve him more in the idea of his younger brother. He did also say this weekend that he wanted to be here more when his brother was born.

 

Thing is - SOS has actually spoken to a school counselor about how to move to our house, on his own. He brought it up the other day spontaneously and said the school counselor said he had to be 12 to decide where he wanted to live. He has also spoken, on his own, to his mom about moving. She always says "no chance".

 

I don't think SO could legally get his son to live with us through the court. His ex did a smear campaign against him during the D, and brought in her friends as "character witnesses" to say negative things about SO. I'm not sure why she did this.

[Curmudgeon]

I don't think SO could legally get his son to live with us through the court. His ex did a smear campaign against him during the D, and brought in her friends as "character witnesses" to say negative things about SO. I'm not sure why she did this.

 

I experienced much the same thing. What I was subjected to was parental alienation syndrome. What your SO experienced sounds like divorce-related malicious mother syndrome.

 

Your SOS is lucky to have you in his life and to have you so accepting of him.

[JackJack]

I experienced much the same thing. What I was subjected to was parental alienation syndrome. What your SO experienced sounds like divorce-related malicious mother syndrome.

 

Your SOS is lucky to have you in his life and to have you so accepting of him.

 

I agree with the part about your SOS being lucky to have someone like you in his life blind. To many people want to toss the other persons child off to the side or not deal with them for whatever reason. They need love,care and attention just as anyone esle. They pick up on, or know when they are not wanted by someone. Hang in there, be there for him.

[audrey_1]

My father and step-mother were just divorced after twelve years because of her son. He embellished quite a bit, and turned out to be the abusive one. He is an only child, and I don't think ever quite got the hang of sharing his mother's attention with someone other than his father.

 

Things supposedly said by the BF sound kind of youthful, like someone in his age group would actually say. I'd listen, but make sure he's not setting you up to take action/bring attention to it, and make you end up looking bad.

 

Not to say it couldn't be valid. Just be careful and give it more time to reveal itself.

 

My father is alone now, and it's been quite painful for him.

 

He's mentioned that he wished he had handled things differently.

[Gwyneth]

Good Luck with ths one. Unfortunately, it will most likely go no where because the Mother who is head over heels for this loser BF who disprespects her son is so blinded by it and so much in denial that she will refuse to hear about it.

 

My mother had to deal with this issue with my father. His now ex-wife was Very abusive toward me as a child. She said horrible things to me, about my mother, told me I had a big butt...just nasty. The worst part was having to see her walk through the house naked every Saturday morning--was that even necessary? Yuck.

 

Anyway, I'd go home and cry to my mom about my horrible time at dad's, and how step-mom (the witch) was mean to me, and so forth. This was a weekly thing. Once in a while my mom would become so furious that she'd call my father and tell him what I told her. Well, that never went over well at all. He'd get angry at my mom and basically say that she and I were lying!

 

Years later, now that he's divorced from the witch (Amen), he tells me that he did know that she was abusive toward me and that it was Very hard for him to admit it back then because he loved her and I both so much.

 

I just guess his love for her overrided the truth...that is the part I will never understand. He has asked for forgiveness, and I have given it to him, but I have no use for that witch. She is the mother of my father's other two kids and they recently found out by me (unfortunately) that there mother was not very nice to me. Well they chose not to believe me, so whatever.

 

So be careful and good luck. Hopefully you and your SO will be able to get thru to the son's mom better than my mother was able to.