I don't want to celebrate BF's teen son's birthday

[Rachel_0814p]

I'm having trouble deciding to do about this. I live with my BF and his 3 kids...sons 13 and 15 and daughter 20. I've been with my BF for over 4 years, his kids have known me for 2 and I moved in with my boyfriend and his daughter 16 months ago, a month after that, we took his sons and their mom moved out of state with her BF.

 

The older son will be 16 in a few days. During the past year, he's become moody as hell and is going through a stage where he blames my mere presence for his misbehavior anytime his father calls him on it (something I've already had to recently go through with the 20 year old daughter, although thankfully, that seems to be solved for the moment). And even though I've kept my mouth shut and just continued trying to be pleasant and polite, saying hello whenever I enter a room even though he just sits there staring at the TV in blank disregard, I'm starting to boil over inside. I'm so sick of him knowing he can get away with sh*tting on everyone in the house without recourse that I really don't want anything to do with him anymore, and I certainly don't want to help "celebrate" his birthday by supplying a cake, a gift or cards.

 

I threw him a surprise party last year. No one else in the family helped plan, shop, or decorate. Not only did he never say "thank you" for the party (not to me, anyway, although he thanked his dad profusely), he gave me serious attitude during the party and when it was over, started a big argument about things that had nothing to do with the party, such as how we never eat the things he wants to eat for dinner (my BF and I are partial-vegetarians, chicken and fish only, and we won't cook beef or pork in the house. And the kids are allowed to order whatever they want when we're out to a restaurant. This is nothing new, its how we've always been since we've been together.)

 

For background on my BF's son, he's always been selfish. He never does anything for anyone else unless he's going to get something out of it. He never buys anyone anything for Christmas or birthdays, even when we drag him to a store and shove money in his hands. Instead of putting even minimal effort into picking out something at random, he'd rather just sit on a bench and not participate while we do all the shopping.

 

He's also as lazy as they come, never doing his chores unless his father takes away his guitar (which takes days of me nagging about it to get it done, and that usually ends with me and his father having tension). He's odd in that he NEVER spends time in his room, but instead commandeers the family room so that the only way that any of us can get away from his is to hide out in our own rooms (If he'd just lock himself away in his own room for days on end, maybe I'd get a little relief!).

 

He's extremely smart but the only thing he puts any effort into is manipulating arguments. About 99% of the time he gets away with whatever emotional havoc he's caused, whether his target was his brother, sister, or myself. He gets away with it because after arguing with my BF for 20 minutes and twisting the subject into other unrelated things, my BF forgets what it is he's trying to punish the brat for, and so the brat gets off with a verbal warning not to do "whatever it was" that he was accused of doing.

 

He is greedy with food and eats everything, even after he's been told not to. I bought my boyfriend his favorite expensive gourmet cake for Valentine's Day. The cake easily could have served 20 (it's one of those cakes that are so rich with custard and mousse that you can only eat a sliver before you start to feel sick, it's just too rich!). My BF enjoyed one piece Valentine's night, and this morning, barely 3 days later, I foudn that there are nothing but crumbs left in the otherwise empty box still tucked away in the fridge. So I advised my BF that his cake had been ransacked, and he seemed mildly frustrated. I thought, "FINALLY, now that the disrespect has been directed at him, he'll do something about it." So a few minutes late when his son came knocking on our door to ask my BF to take him shopping early for his birthday, my BF asked his son about the cake, and his son's response, "I didn't have that much, I only had six or seven pieces. If I would have known it was yours, I wouldn't have eaten it". My BF's resposne: nothing. My BF is now at the store buying something expensive for his son with the birthday money that he was actually supposed to be paying us back for since we bought him and expensive "birthday gift" last month when he just HAD to have it RIGHT THEN.

 

I don't want to do a damn thing for this kid for his birthday. I really feel like just ignoring him and not participating in anything special for him because I really don't even like him. And because I know that if I don't put any effort into his birthday, its going to suck. So maybe he'll finally realize that treating me like sh*t all the time does have consequences.

 

BUT I'm also afraid that as the adult in this tense situation, and even though I'm not his mother, that its up to me to continue trying to bridge the gap between us so that in a few years when he's hopefully chilled out, he'll look back and see that I always tried and appreciate it, instead of looking back with spite for "invading" his life.

 

I don't know what to do. Right now, I'm barely speaking to him because I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I'm really starting to resent the situation and know that eventually it will fester into something unrepairable. I want to marry my BF, but this middle child is killing my enthusiasm. The youngest is like my own kid, and he can't wait for his dad and I to get married. The daughter and I are on a nice plateau, for now anyway. She's one of those people that when things are going good for her in life-work, school, boyfriend, etc,--she's an angel. But when things hit a snag, she's a miserable person to EVERYONE. I really hope she stays in a good mood for a long while because I will NOT be able to deal with her and the 16 year old at the same time.

 

Does anyone have some advice that can calm my nerves and help me maintain long enough to get through this birthday fiasco??? Do I completely disengage (can I even do that when I'm so close to the younger son?) or do I still put minimal effort into it so that I atleast tried without putting myself completely out? Help!

[Lizzie60]

WOW this is not easy... I tried to date men with children but I no longer do.. I want the guy for myself..

 

It is extremely hard to 'accept and love' stepchildren, especially when they are negative and do not accept you...

 

I've never experienced this like you're experiencing it now.. My first ex had 3 daughters and they were very close to me.. they adored me.. still do... but at first it took some adjustments.. I felt resentment towards the oldest and the youngest... I almost gave up at one point when the oldest moved in with us for a while... We had them constantly because they missed their dads a lot.. and we (him, me and his ex) never wanted to make the children suffer for something out of their control.

 

My second ex had 2 teenagers (boys) and when they finally were ready to move in with him.. I left.. I liked them .. but I didn't want to be a stepmom anymore, to go through all the adjustement again. I had no more patience for that.

 

If I were you, I would have a very serious talk with this kid.. and tell him exactly how you feel.. he knows anyway that you don't like him... but be honest about it.. he might completely changed his opinion about you and respect you.. if not... well I say either move out temporary and wait till he's out of the house to move back with your bf...

 

Oh, have you talked to your bf about this? What's his point of view?

 

You also have to understand that these poor kids were abandoned by the mother, and that must be the worst thing a child can endure.. IMO.

 

Or after your talk with him.. wait a while.. he won't change overnight.. give him more love.. show him that his negativity will not make you 'hate' him... but love him more..

 

Who knows he might, in a couple of years, be the one closest to you.

 

Every child has its own personality and their own way to deal with their pain.

 

Be patient and loving.. it always pays off.. guaranteed..

[norajane]

He's probably pissed that his mom 'abandoned' him to move out of state to be with her bf. That probably hurt him very much, and he's taking it out on you because you're an easy target and his dad isn't stopping him.

 

You need a boatload of patience to wait it out...teens aren't very nice even if they are your own.

 

In the meantime, DAD needs to step up and take some control here. Maybe his wife let the boys run rampant at home, and he doesn't know how to draw boundaries, but teens need boundaries.

 

As for the immediate problem, why do you have to have a party? Maybe his dad can take him out for a father/son thing, just the two of them? That might be more special than a party. Teen boys don't even like parties unless there are hot girls invited.

Edited February 17, 2008 by norajane

[Lizzie60]

He's probably pissed that his mom 'abandoned' him to move out of state to be with her bf. That probably hurt him very much, and he's taking it out on you because he's an easy target and his dad isn't stopping him.

 

You need a boatload of patience to wait it out...teens aren't very nice even if they are your own.

 

In the meantime, DAD needs to step up and take some control here. Maybe his wife let the boys run rampant at home, and he doesn't know how to draw boundaries, but teens need boundaries.

 

As for the immediate problem, why do you have to have a party? Maybe his dad can take him out for a father/son thing, just the two of them? That might be more special than a party. Teen boys don't even like parties unless there are hot girls invited.

 

Good advice.. let his dad deal with the birthday...

 

and you're right.. I am allergic to teens.. LOL.. as you say, even our own are pests sometimes... (I was lucky with my daughter, but not as much with my son )

[older_no_wiser]

Wow. A teenager who is lazy, moody and eats loads!!!!!!!!

 

Lol - seriously, I know you are getting fed up but a lot of that is surely just teen stuff?

 

Personally (and I HAVE been there) I would bite my tongue, lay in the booze supplies for me and my partner and DO the birthday bash. Show a better, superior if you like, way. Show good grace; good manners; show that the little so-and-so hasn't ruffled you at all - which can be hugely satisfying if you think they want to ruffle you; and more importantly, show your partner that you want him - package and all. because that is sure as h*ll what I'd want for mine.

 

They say it takes up to ten years for a step family to adjust to one another. Hang in there!

 

meg

[curiousnycgirl]

How about buying him a very nice card, and inside write something to that says that he has made it perfectly clear how much he loathes you, and how he has no respect for you, etc. etc - so for his birthday you are giving him the gift of a full 24-48 hours without you.

 

Then book yourself to a spa for the day or two.

 

I am not trying to be spiteful - I actually think the gesture will speak volumes not only to the teen ager, but also to his father (your b/f).

 

Furthermore if you don't do anything for his birthday - and it sux - then it is just one more point that they can all realize just how much you do for them.

 

Frankly I tell kids exactly how I am thinking - I don't put up with much bs from them - even the teen agers. For the most part they start off hating me, and end up having at least respect, if not love, for me.

[Rachel_0814p]

Lizzie and Nora Jane, thank you for offering positive words of encouragement. And Older_no_wiser, you're completely right, too! You wouldn't BELIEVE what bad advice I've been given from others...people telling me to give up on the kid, leave my BF and find a guy without kids. As if my relationship with my BF and his other children don't count because one of the kids is acting out. Jeez.

 

CouriousNYGirl, while I'd definitely appreciate the effect your advice would have on an adult child (I might do that with my BF's daughter if we ever start having problems again!), I don't think it's the right thing to do with a 16-year old. At his age I doubt he'd really understand the implication and it would do a lot more harm than good. But I appreciate the suggestion nonetheless. Like I said, I'll keep it in mind for the 20-year old if she ever starts acting out again.

 

So here's an update on how it's turning out:

 

My BF is always very supportive. We're best friends and we have a great relationship, even though when it comes to his kid, like all dads, he can put on the blinders. We had a good opportunity to talk about this situation right after I'd posted this because we had to drive about an hour to do some work for our business and then drive an hour back after we were done--and so my BF knows how I'm feeling and all the "what ifs" I'm struggling with (if I do A, then B will happen and C might happen, or if I do that, then it might result in X now but Y down the road, etc.)

 

First, I felt a lot better just venting it to him, which is key. Venting to my BF's sympathetic ear helped me to regain some composure (I can tell I was PMSing, which didn't help.) and also feel like I had him on my side, at least for that moment. I was able to reclaim the realization that my reactions, positive or negative, ultimately weigh the largest on ME, so first I need to address my expectations with this kid, who is just that--a kid, one who has yet to develope an understanding of the dynamics involved in building and maintaining adult relationships--and get out of an emotional "victimized" mindset so that I can deal with the situation with a clearer, more level head.

 

In discussing the birthday issue, my BF also thought I shouldn't do anything for his son for his birthday, especially when I brought it to his attention that last year was not good for me. But I disagree with not participating. 2 wrongs don't make a right, and shunning a kid on his birthday is wrong, regardless that he's not my blood. So I am going to put minimal "polite" effort into it--a card and a smile--and I will attend his birthday dinner (his grandmother--my BF's mom--is driving 2 and a half hours to meet all with the family for dinner on his birthday night, so if I didn't attend, she would have taken it as a slight against her and all hell would possibly break loose. So that part was sort of decided for me.) I will not be doing anything to help with the party that the son and his dad were discussing having the day before the birthday dinner.

 

In discussing the cake issue, my BF and I agreed to disagree on the symantics of it: He thinks I should have put a note on the cake not to eat it because he's always told the kids that they can "share" whatever they find in the fridge. I made it clear that sharing the cake wasn't my issue, it was the fact that his son at it ALL that pissed me off. His son has always been a greedy pig, and my BF said he will work on his eating habits. I still think it's a respect and consideration issue, not an appetite issue, but from now on, I'll be putting notes on things he's not to eat.

 

So then my BF and I tossed around ideas on how to get to the bottom of things. I have decided that I'd rather not directly confront his son with my feelings because his behavior has not been targeted 100% at me (remember he aggravates his sister and brother, too) because I really do suspect that I've a victim of teenage hormones and not a victim of a personal vendetta. (I remember being a teenager, and even when I didn't want to be a jerk to my mom, I was.) Using retrospect, I can see how his new hormones combined with his personality combined with his history are the root of the problem. He's the middle child, generally pessimistic, and he and his emotionally-distant mom always got into it before he moved in with us meaning he's used to giving attitude to the matriarch figure. I think its very possible that this is simply a kid who hasn't learned how to deal yet. He doesn't know how to control negative emotions yet AND he hasn't learned that he needs to respect both his dad and me as parental figures. He needs someone to show him how, and that's up to the people that care about him, including me.

 

His father has vowed to start showing more toughness when enforcing punishments. While I appreciate his enthusiasm, I know not to expect anything big overnight because during our talk my BF explained that since we started living together, he's been worried about being uncharacteristically tough on any of the kids because he thinks that if he suddenly gets too stern, the kids will think its because of me and it will result in more resentment towards me. He was always the lax parent with the biological mom being the authorative one. My BF explained that he's still learning how to be the main parent, and that trying to walk a thin line while holding a balance has been difficult, and it is going to take some time for him to learn how to do it to everyone's satisfaction. I do see his conundrum and I can empathize with him now that he's pointed it out. He also commented on how much he values my input and my perspectives and that he thinks its best for everyone if I'm a parent figure not just dad's "roommate" because we are partners running our household (and our business, btw) and he does want to marry me.

 

Anyway, I asked my BF to talk to his son about the current state of things in a non-accusatory way, more of a "I noticed you've been really aggitated lately and showing a lot of attitude to EVERYONE" (not just to me so that I'm not the bad guy) "so what's going on?". I'm hoping that the kid will open up to his dad and reveal what it is that's actually bothering him. I'm also hoping that his reasons wont be about me "personally" because if it is personal, there's not a lot that can be done. If it's other things, such as stress from school (he's taking a lot of honors classes), stress from friends or girls, stress about his mom, etc. then that's something that can be addressed and that we can all work on to try to help him AND US get through the terrible teens.

 

I agreed to work on not taking anyone's bad behavior so personally, and also to communicate more openly and honestly without letting things bottle up. I also agreed to showing the kids a stronger parental union between my BF and I, meaning voicalizing parental support, not just letting him take the lead all the time, so that they don't think they can manipulate or divide us.

 

So, I don't know, we'll see. Its never going to be perfect. But at least right now I feel refreshed enough to move on and am more confident about the good relationships I have with my BF and the other kids while we're dealing with this patch of trouble.

 

Thanks for lending an ear!

Edited February 19, 2008 by Rachel_0814p