bf's son seems mad at me then says he loves me

[lexi29]

I have no kids and not much exp with kids. However I've been in my bf's son's life since he was 2. He is 8 now. My bf and I recently got back together after about a 4 mth. break. I kept in contact with his son thru most of the break (except maybe about 3 weeks). His son's mother is in the picture but he doesn't get along with her. My question is- is it normal for kids to seem to change their minds quickly? I ask because at first his son was so affectionate and clinging to me and then for about two weeks (after christmas) he was still friendly to me but had stopped the cuddling and clinging to me which I thought was a good sign. But he'd started telling me (told me two diff days) that he wants me and his dad to get married. He asked me why I won't marry his dad and that he really wants us to. Then a few days ago he started to get grouchy towards me. My bf and i picked him up at his mothers after her visitation Wed night and the boy said "why are YOU here again?" to me like he was irritated I was around. He's also been acting irritable toward his best friend. He attacked his friend verbally wed night telling him "you're a loser because your dad lives far away from your mom (they are divorced but live in the same town) and I had to speak up because my bf's son's situation is simliar!!

 

I have been picking him up after school and last night I went to get him (his dad was working late) and he said "oh why do I have to spend all day with YOU again?" He asked me to remove a voicemail that I'd left him off his cell phone and I told him I didnt' know how to use his phone and he got so mad he refused to get in my car!! I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was mad because I didn't know how to take the message off. I erased the message for him adn he was fine after that.

 

He wanted me to play his playstation games with him and I did and I had no idea how to play and he kept getting upset with me cause I couldnt' remember what buttons did what. I didn't feel good (sick) so I was getting irritated with him and told him to settle down. His dad came home and made dinner and we were eating and his son wanted me to sit by him. He kept getting mad at my bf and I because we wanted to talk. Then the weirdest thing happened. His son crawled over on the couch next to me and put his arm around me and cuddled up to me (he hasnt' done that in about 2-3 weeks) My bf was doing dishes and his son and I were on the couch and his son out of the blue just said "I love you so much" to me. I hugged him and told him I love him too and he said "do you really, are you sure?" and I told him of course and reassured him.

 

The only thing I can think of for his erratic behavior (loving me one minute, being mad at me sometimes) is that he's had an ear infection so he may be grumpy due to that and also his mom has started her sh*T again. there is a court order that my bf has full primary custody and the mom gets visitation. Well the other day bf's son told us that his mom told him he has to make a choice if he wants to live with his mom either the whole summer or during school. That he has to live with her for one or the other. Which isn't true. that is what they USED to do before my bf took her to court to get full custody (because the mom didn't see her son for a year except for two times yet my bf was still paying her child support).

 

His mom told him she's going back to court and that she will win. So my bf's son is all upset cause he wants to live with his dad (don't think she would be able to change the current court order.) Is this normal for kids to be so back and forth with their feelings?

[Angel]

This little boy's life is a big huge mess & not because of you. He feels like he is in the middle of a windstorm & is jealous of YOU when you spend time with HIS father. He would much rather be alone with him. Now, this is not your fault----

Children of divorce many times, show this type of behavior. Divorce is NOT GOOD for kids. So, to answer your question, many times kids (that are in windstorms) react exactly this way.

Good luck sweetie. Be kind, loving and gentle. That is all you can do.

[Kamille]

Poor kid. At the age of 8, children crave security. The fact that his mom is threatening to change the plans is likely making him act out. I used to babysit an 8 year old who's parent were in the mist of a divorce. I came in as the dad's babysitter, so in a way I was the divorce babysitter. Needless to say a lot of he directed a lot of his anger and resentment towards me. I found the best thing to do, even when he was acting up, was stay in control, stay in charge and remind him that I loved him. I have stayed in touch with the kid even when I moved away because I recognized that he needed some forms of stability in his life.

 

Yes, that means that he would sometimes be in a tear tantrum at the grocery store and I would just look at him and tell him: "no we're not buying the caramilk." He'd say : "I hate you" and I would reply : "Funny, cause I never stop loving you." The tantrums rapidly stopped. I think he understood that he could rely on me, even if I didn't do everything he wanted.

[Art_Critic]

This little boy's life is a big huge mess & not because of you. He feels like he is in the middle of a windstorm & is jealous of YOU when you spend time with HIS father. He would much rather be alone with him. Now, this is not your fault----

Children of divorce many times, show this type of behavior. Divorce is NOT GOOD for kids. So, to answer your question, many times kids (that are in windstorms) react exactly this way.

Good luck sweetie. Be kind, loving and gentle. That is all you can do.

 

Good post Angel.. I couldn't agree more..

 

and Lexi.. the bolded part of Angels post is the most important.. and I would like to add patience to that..Show consistency and patience and you will win over the child over time...

[lexi29]

This little boy's life is a big huge mess & not because of you. He feels like he is in the middle of a windstorm & is jealous of YOU when you spend time with HIS father. He would much rather be alone with him. Now, this is not your fault----

Children of divorce many times, show this type of behavior. Divorce is NOT GOOD for kids. So, to answer your question, many times kids (that are in windstorms) react exactly this way.

Good luck sweetie. Be kind, loving and gentle. That is all you can do.

 

 

Actually, there is no divorce- my bf was never married to his son's mom- they never even lived together. Its a complicated story- but basically the boy has never lived with both parents in the same house. So I don't think he's jealous of ME. He doesn't seem to want to spend time with just his dad (he always begs me to come over and see him) He does get to spend alone time with his dad though so its not as though I"m in his life 24/7. What he's going thru is nothing new- his mom is constantly in and out of his life and making threats to him (that she will take him away from his dad) Her latest thing is that she told my bf TWO days ago that today she is moving 1.5 hours away and won't be able to see her son as the court has ordered (she has every other weekend visitation) so she wants my bf to let her either keep their son for school (he'd have to change schools) or for the entire summer). My bf said no to both counts and that he will let her see him for 2 weeks in a row this summer and any weekend she wants to drive down to get him. (she wants my bf to meet her halfway since she is moving 1.5 hours away) He told her its not good for their son to change schools (the mother has moved 4 times in the last two years!!) and that he will NOT be spending the entire summer with her as my bf and his son enjoy doing a lot of summer activities together.

 

The boy's mother will probably be taking him to court over his not agreeing to her demands but what kind of parent gives the other parent two days notice before moving? I feel so bad for their son but he has a lot of support and stability with his dad and family. The son seems less emotionally unstable then he did a few weeks ago. No outbursts or anything and he's been very loving toward both me and his dad.

[BlueHaiku]

I agree with the post that this boy's life is traumatic and that this behavior is no surprise.

 

BUT I would like to add one thing that seems to have been overlooked - you and the boyfriend split for a while. I understand that you continued to see him mostly, but this had to be traumatic to the boy. You were the only woman he ever remembers thinking of as part of a "family" with his father and him, and then the family was gone, and now the family is back.

 

This, coupled with the mother who moves all the time, and is seen on again off again, probably increased his feelings of instability around women. All his relationships with women are that they come and go (yes you still saw him, but you came and went from the family) - so no wonder he feels a need to have a female figure alternating with anger and defensiveness at the hurt.

 

I'm not trying to blame you. I have no idea why you and your bf took a break - there might have been excellent reasons, but I do think the behavior is also related to this instability in his life.

 

Good luck!

[lexi29]

Yes, that makes sense. It's strange that he hasn't had any of these behaviors for awhile (or so its seems) but then last night he was angry at me when I first got there because he found out his dad and I watched a dvd he wanted to watch while he was at his mom's this weekend. He alternated between whining and crying and getting mad. then about an hour later he crawled up on the couch with me and wrapped his arms around me and said "I LOVE you" all sweet as can be.

 

As for the break- you would have to blame my bf for that one- he left me for an that he dated years ago. He dated her for almost 3 weeks and then came running back to me. Obviously I didn't take him back right away (and while they were dating the new girlfriend told him and his son they could never see me again, therefore his son HATED her and wanted nothing to do with her) so I definately see how that shook his life up.

 

So far I"m just trying to be consistent with him and follow through on everything I say I will do so he feels comfortable and not like I"m going to run out on him.

[lexi29]

I have been trying to talk my bf into taking his son to counseling. The poor kid's actions just do not seem normal to me at all.

This weekend he had to go to his mothers (she decided to keep the every other weekend visitation and now her mother drives my bf's son the 1.5 hrs to his mom's house) Anyway my bf and I had the weekend to ourselves and we went to see a movie and went to eat at Red Lobster. We've taken his son there before and he was ok with it but wanted to make ten trips to the bathroom so he could see the tank of live lobsters. He's much better suited to eating at fast food places as he doesn't like to sit in one place for very long.

 

Anyway I spent the night with my bf both friday and sat. nights. I left early sunday morning to visit my parents. Bf's son returned on sunday evening. He asked his dad what we did this weekend. His dad told him that we went to Red lobster. He asked his dad if I spent the night. his dad told him yes I did. Well my bf's son gets ALL upset and starts yelling at his dad that we have this "secret life" when he's gone and that we do things without him. Bf tried to explain that yes, we go places and do things but that he (son) gets to do things at his mom's that we don't too. Well his son is furious and calls me and tells me that I HAVE to spend the night this weekend (when he's there) because I spent the night with his dad this weekend (he likes it when I stay but I rarely do when his son is there) and that we had better take him out to Red Lobster or somewhere like that this weekend as well. He tells me if I do NOT do these things he will NOT talk to me ever again.

 

I started laughing (which I shouldn't have done) because it was just so strange to have an 8 yr old demanding things and threatening to never speak to me again and I appologized for laughing and asked why he was so upset. He said because I do fun things with his dad when he's not around and its not fair that we don't include him. Nevermind, the fact that the weekends he IS not with his mom (and pretty much every other day as well) we cater to HIM, we go to kid friendly places to eat, we watch kid movies, play playstation games with him etc. He was yelling at me on the phone and he kept asking me "are you crying? you are crying aren't you" (I wasn't at all) like he was happy that possibly he had made me cry. Very strange.

 

So I went to see my bf and his son yesterday and my bf said he was still grouchy about us not taking him with us this weekend (he was at his mom's he COULDN'T go with us) and his son immediately asked me to watch him play this new playstation game they rented. After he was done doing that I sat on the couch with my bf and we were watching a movie and bf's son comes up to me and says I told you I"m not talking to you unless we go out to eat this weekend and you have to spend the night. I told him that if he doesnt want to talk to me that is his choice. But I don't do nice things for people just because they tell me to. That we did not mean to leave him out of anything but he wasn't there anyway.

He seemed to accept this and next thing I know he was on my lap and told me he loved me about seven different times in 2 hours!! What do you make of this?

[curiousnycgirl]

To mean it means he doesn't really want to go to his mother's, he wants to stay with you guys. Frankly that's not an option.

 

Feels to me like you and your b/f need to set some more boundaries for this kid. You will do grown up things without him, plain and simple.

 

How about getting a babysitter sometime and leaving him home? Not this weekend, but soon.

[Rachel_0814p]

Hi Lexi. I think CuriousNYGirl has some good advice: have him stay with a babysitter some times, no matter what his demands are.

 

Even if he's emotional, you two have to establish patterns of normalcy. He will adapt. It probably wont be easy at first, but he'll learn.

[curiousnycgirl]

I had another thought - Lexi you've posted a lot about your b/f and his son, but only once have you mentioned the son having a friend (the neighbor who you didn't like) - does he have any friends? Does he actually get to have kid time outside of school? Or does he expect to be with you and his father all the time?

 

How about arranging for a babysitter one Friday night, so you and your b/f can have a proper date. And Saturday night let him invite a friend for a sleep over. Then he will be doing kid stuff with another kid - Saturday night would still be all about him, just a little more normal.

 

Then you can explain the differnce between grown up time and kid time. I just think this kid's mother really messes with his head, and the stuff she pulls is really going to take it's toll. You and your b/f need to let him be a normal kid.

[Trimmer]

I have been trying to talk my bf into taking his son to counseling. The poor kid's actions just do not seem normal to me at all....

 

...I sat on the couch with my bf and we were watching a movie and bf's son comes up to me and says I told you I"m not talking to you unless we go out to eat this weekend and you have to spend the night. I told him that if he doesnt want to talk to me that is his choice. But I don't do nice things for people just because they tell me to. That we did not mean to leave him out of anything but he wasn't there anyway.

He seemed to accept this and next thing I know he was on my lap and told me he loved me about seven different times in 2 hours!! What do you make of this?

I'm no psychologist, but I've got kids of this age, and their mother and I have been working with them around the changes in our lives because of our divorce... Honestly, he sounds like he is an 8-year old kid dealing with stuff an 8-year old kid shouldn't have to. His behaviors may not seem "normal", but they all make sense in the context of the situation.

 

For example: his being angry and confrontational with you and making demands, and then accepting it and moving on once you take a firm but loving stand... All kids struggle with the opposing pulls of wanting to be loved and cared for as a child, vs exercising their growing independence. They need to be able to exercise that independence in an age-appropriate way, but they need to do it within a physically and emotionally safe environment.

 

For this boy, he feels the pressure of being independent in a pretty grown-up way (lots of examples, like separating from his dad for a weekend, and learning that his dad is out doing 'fun stuff' without him, probably dealing with his mother's head trips, etc...), and is doing so in an environment where he isn't sure where the safety nets really are. His anger is probably the manifestation of fear and anxiety. Does he have to figure out on his own how to navigate his way through all the complex adult dynamics in his life? Can he truly count on his mother's unconditional love? Can he count on yours? These aren't "normal" 8-year-old burdens, and as a result, the behaviors they motivate don't seem like "normal" 8-year-old behaviors either.

 

So he acts up to test the safety net he's not sure he can count on. When you respond in a loving way, but with a firm boundary, he is reassured that a safety net exists, and his anxiety is reduced: (1) He knows there is an adult - a parental figure - calling the shots and he doesn't have to be completely in charge of his emotional safety, which is a terrible burden for this child, and (2) he will still be loved, even as he bumps up against those boundaries.

 

By giving him these things to the degree you can, you (and his father, of course) relieve him of some of his heavy burdens, and allow him to do the "normal" things, and go through the "normal" developmental stages that an 8-year old should. And you see that relief manifest in the very next moment, when you find a snuggly boy cuddled next to you on the couch, finally free to let go of his demons for a while, safe enough to trust you with his love, and acting like a real 8-year old should be able to.

 

Counseling might not be a bad idea - my ex and I do a great job of working together as parents, but we see a counselor occasionally just to get a different and experienced opinion on various situations and behaviors, and we really get a lot out of it. It has put a lot of things into perspective and context for us, and given us a lot of useful tools for helping our kids through this. You don't necessarily have to drag the kid in there - we've been using this as a tool for us, and it's been a real benefit, even without our kids being involved in the sessions thus far.

 

I had a thought about this comment, as well:

He's also been acting irritable toward his best friend. He attacked his friend verbally wed night telling him "you're a loser because your dad lives far away from your mom (they are divorced but live in the same town) and I had to speak up because my bf's son's situation is simliar!!

For me, the similarity of your bf's son's situation to his friend's is very significant. I think its quite likely that he was projecting his situation onto his friend, and the comments he was making about the friend may well have been the only way he could voice his feelings about himself. Feeling like a loser is an awfully hard burden to bear, and nearly impossible to verbalize about yourself - as an 8-year old - but don't you suppose that may well be what was sneaking out there?

 

So it may not be so much that you want to tell him to "stop saying that about your friend because you are just like him..." but to take this as an opportunity to explore with him his feelings about himself and begin to give him an outlet for the difficult conflicts simmering inside him.

 

Again, there's obviously a lot going on inside this kid, but it seems to me that his behaviors are all kind of consistent with the inner struggle in which it sounds like he is engaged...

Edited February 20, 2008 by Trimmer
lots of little stylistic tune-ups

[lexi29]

Curiousnycgirl, Rachel, thank you for your thoughts. Very insightful.

Trimmer, your response made me cry. Im not sure why, but for a moment you put me in my little 8 yr old's shoes the way I've never been able to and I saw things from his point of view. I'm not his mom, but I love him like he is my own, and I don't want him to feel he's not safe. I dont' want him to feel unloved or to not know how to relax and be a "normal" kid. He shouldn't have to worry about a safety net and such though I totally understand how/why he ended up this way. He is a good, sweet kid and for him to have to carry all these huge burdens and insecurities at the tender age of eight, just breaks my heart. I wish I could promise him that he will always be taken care of and safe.

 

I had thought that his behavior might just be some residual anger or fear from the short break of seeing his dad (when he goes to his mom's for the weekend) because even though he's been doing this on a regular basis for about two years now, as recent as 6 months ago he would cry and beg his dad not to forget about him while he was gone. So he definately has separation anxiety and fear of abandonment.

 

He does have friends at school. Two fridays ago his friend's dad took them to an arcade for a few hours so he got to do that. He has cousins his age that he sees once in awhile, and of course the "problem child" that I mentioned before. Although now that they've moved that kid doesn't live next door. He's been over to the new apartment a few times but he is older than my bf's son so since they are no longer neighbors they really dont hang out anymore. I will try everyone's suggestions. Thank you!!

[JulieJ]

Like everyone else has said, it seems like he is just very confused and having a hard time. A great resource for learning about how to communicate with children or solve common problems is parentsconnect.com...it might be helpful for you right now.