My biological mother is stalking me!

[luvtoto]

I met my biological parents two years ago. At first, our relationship was fine. We went to Chicago on a vacation and had a good time. Throughout the relationship, my mother became extremely possessive. Wanting me to spend all my time with her. I had a boyfriend at the time and she was mean to him. When he was around she would belittle him with comments. My mother put tons of her past issues on me...and it threw me into a very deep depression. It got to the point where I had to choose sanity over being her daughter basically. I told her that she needs to heal herself before she can heal anything with me.

 

I don't talk to her today, not because I'm holding tons of resentment towards her...it's just that, well...I just don't like her. Plain & simple. She is just too weird for me! She's meaner than the devil one minute...the next, she is praising God & God's children. I don't have a desire to progress our friendship to the next level.

 

When I told her that I wanted to take things slower, she got emotionally abusive with me. I'm talkin' MEAN! She said things to me that no mother should ever tell a daughter. So, I severed ties.

 

Last I knew, my mom didn't know where I lived. It's been 2 years now since I broke ties with her. About 6 months ago, she called me at work! 3 months after that, she looked up my address in the phone book and wrote me a postcard stating that my home looks comfy. She uses postcards cause she knows I won't open letters. Now, she writes me every week & calls my house and lets it ring forever. She writes me manipulative & weird letters/emails that my friends confiscate so I don't get hurt by them! I never reply. She's obsessed and she is thriving on making contact with me. She lives 30 minutes from my home. The last letter she wrote, she told me to send her a postcard stating 'yes' or 'no' as far as me wanting a relationship with her. That is just not normal! I feel nervous/anxious when my dog barks too long at the door. Is she outside?? I'm a single mother and that scares me. Right now, it seems as though nothing will hold her back.

 

Well, tonight she called. I let the answering machine get it once again... She said, "your dad found out he has lung cancer this week and is dying! Please care!" I never really knew my father, but we started to bond in the beginning. But, in the end...he said some nasty things, too. Just not a healthy situation to be in.

 

Am I an awful person if I continue to ignore this situation that's developing? Talk about a moral dilemma! I do not feel comfortable at all around them. What the hell am I gonna do?! I feel weird calling him dad...he never really was.

[Outcast]

You need to talk to your local police department. Whether or not she's your mother, she's a stalker and is causing you distress. The police may be able to deter her by just talking to her but you need to get them involved. Quit trying to deal with it on your own - it'll just get worse.

[luvtoto]

I talked with a police officer today. He highly encourages me to take out a restraining order on her. He told me to list every little detail so that the judge can be more specific as to what kind of restraint he wants. Sounds so Jerry Springer...but, I am sooo sick of it!!

 

Thanks for your advice!

[Outcast]

You're welcome and good luck!

[luvtoto]

I meant protection order...not restraining order. Big difference!

[luvtoto]

Ugh!!! I got another stupid guilt-trip coated postcard today from my mother. It states: "Your dad and your kid's grandpa is very sick and dying of lung cancer!" She said she's writing me because what kind of person would she be if she didn't tell me of his serious life-threatening stage IV cancer???

She also said that she doesn't understand the mentality of a person that can hang up on anyone. (I hang up on her whenever she calls the house) She said that it made her cry buckets and if she died without reconciliation from me...she still knows that I am in God's loving arms. Wha?! She also told me that she hopes I heal enough someday to deal with my own issues, too.

I DON'T HAVE ISSUES! I JUST THINK SHE'S WEIRD AS HELL! I don't want to get to know her...and she's a stalker to boot!

Why do I feel like an awful daughter when I was never anyone's daughter to begin with??

[Azra]

I too cut ties with my biological family. I felt their life wasn't the life I want to be involved with...there's alot of abuse, etc in their lives and I felt I wasn't meant to be in that mess. Did I feel like I abandoned those who gave me birth, yes I did for awhile but I know it's what is best for me and my life right now. If you ever need to talk just pm me I'll help if I can.

 

I'd get the protection order too because she's not in her right mind. Not sure what is driving her to do this but she does need some help. Please don't feel awful...it's hard trying to feel they are family when they aren't the family you've grown up with. Do what's best for you. It's okay to cut ties...I did it and I'm glad I did.

[westernxer]

Why do I feel like an awful daughter when I was never anyone's daughter to begin with??

 

She's your biological mother, but not the mother who raised you.

 

You have nothing in common with her, so leave it at that and don't talk to her anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Ugh!!! I got another stupid guilt-trip coated postcard today from my mother. It states: "Your dad and your kid's grandpa is very sick and dying of lung cancer!" She said she's writing me because what kind of person would she be if she didn't tell me of his serious life-threatening stage IV cancer???

She also said that she doesn't understand the mentality of a person that can hang up on anyone. (I hang up on her whenever she calls the house) She said that it made her cry buckets and if she died without reconciliation from me...she still knows that I am in God's loving arms. Wha?! She also told me that she hopes I heal enough someday to deal with my own issues, too.

I DON'T HAVE ISSUES! I JUST THINK SHE'S WEIRD AS HELL! I don't want to get to know her...and she's a stalker to boot!

Why do I feel like an awful daughter when I was never anyone's daughter to begin with??

 

Wow, I'm sorry this is happening to you. That's just awful.

 

I have to tell you - You've done nothing wrong and this woman, your mother, has serious issues and NONE of them have to do with you. Don't ever let her make you feel bad! I know that is easier said than done, but you know in your heart you're a good person and she obviously has a life "FULL" of drama. Sad that she has thrown a guilt trip your way, using the illness to make you feel guilty and bad...Oh, and mentioning your kids...That's a low blow and unncessary!

 

I feel for what you're going through, and I hope things can be settled (meaning she will be LESS part of your life, without a restraining order!) soon.

[luvtoto]

I have not talked to her at all throughout this whole thing. I hungup the phone on her immediately after my daughter accidentally answered it before I could check caller ID. No conversation at all. I want her to leave me alone, but how???

 

I like a dumb-ass left her postcard on the counter last night, and my 13 yr old daughter read it. Damn! She feels guilty about her grandpa. That was pretty irresponsible of me....but, yet, by her writing,"Your dad and grandpa is dying!!!" She wanted my kids to know. How dare she!!!

 

I think it's protection order time. I don't quite know how I am going to live with myself, but, something has got to be done. This is so unhealthy.

 

Back when my mom started to show her true colors to me...my dad took her side of the argument without a second thought. My mom told me that he said he could never love me like a real daughter. At that point, I realized that their feelings for me were "conditional". That was the deal-breaker to our relationship. I don't need that. I haven't talked to them since then. I would rather have no family than a family that loves me with strings attached. Horrible feeling. So if they aren't gonna love me like a daughter should be loved...then what is the use of us knowing each other?? I don't want to be just friends. I don't need friends like that.

 

I will fill out the protection order today. I hope I can forgive myself. Where is this freakin' guilt coming from?????

[westernxer]

Where is this freakin' guilt coming from?????

 

You don't want to be labeled a bitch, that's why.

 

Don't worry, you're far from it. Call it self-preservation.

[Outcast]

It's coming from the idea that pervades society that 'mother' means all things good and wonderful. The idea of motherhood is sacrosanct even when the person called 'mother' is dysfunctional. You have grown up with this idea, as have we all, so to contravene it feels bad and wrong even though clearly in this case this 'mother' doesn't deserve the reverence society demands for mothers.

[whichwayisup]

I hope I can forgive myself. Where is this freakin' guilt coming from?????

 

Because you don't want to hurt her, period. You have a heart.

 

Put yourself and your children first. That is what really counts right now. Those kids ARE your family. They love you!

[luvtoto]

I am feeling a bit sorry for myself today. Thinking about the bad hand I've been dealt in life. I guess I should count my blessings...I could have been raised by that woman! I was raised by a man that I thought was my father. They were divorced when I was 3 mo old. She said that he kept me from her...she had no choice but to leave me.

 

When I met my mother a few years ago, I found out that my dad wasn't the man who raised me but, her current husband. (The one dying of cancer right now). When I met him and her that day...they told me right off the bat. I look just like him...basically. Same smile and small boned frame.

 

The father that raised me, slowly through out my growing up, realized that I wasn't his. I was kicked out on my butt with $2 in my purse at age 19. I moved in with friends and got a job. We never talked again.

 

It's a wonder I am as sane as I am. It's been a struggle my whole life to trust people.

 

Thanks again for all your help and great advice. Your advice is comforting.

[penkitten]

write her a letter, much like this:

dear biological mother,

first and foremost i would like to thank you for giving me life.

however, you ended our relationship when i was a toddler by allowing a man who was not even my father to raise me and never regaining custody of me, never fighting for me and never visiting and calling. you left me and i suffered a great deal for that. now i can forgive you for bringing me into this world and leaving me to die while you went home to your husband who happens to be my biological father.

i asked you not to call my home and work, not to send letters and to just leave me alone. it seems you insist on having a relationship with me and all i can do is hope to give you some closure to this ordeal.

i care and love my family, my husband and our children and i will not expose them to you or your pain that you bring.

i do wish you well in life and hope that my biological father does not suffer during this cancer that you have sent another post card about. i do not hate you, it seems i nothing you. i am sorry but i can not make myself love and respect you at this time.

however, after speaking to my attorney and officers of the local police department , i am getting a restraining order for you to stop harrassing communications and stalking me.

please let this go and go on with your life and do not contact me again or drive by my house.

i have made a copy of this letter and certified mailed it to you so my attorney has receipt that i made all attempts to allow you some closure and make you aware in writting that i want all harrassing communications and stalking to end now.

thank you,

insert your name here

[luvtoto]

wow... Thank you for taking the time to write that. I never thought about sending certified letter. That was awesome. I have a very hard time putting my feelings down on paper....probably cause she does enough for both of us. Ha! I am having a better evening now. I got lots done today...productive day. I will let you all know if the **** hits the fan....basically. I probably shouldn't send the letter till I got my petition for a protection order in the mail though.

The one thing that fascinates me the most about this site is the way people can just hit the nail on the head with good advice. I am really in awe.

[penkitten]

to be honest, once you get the petition you probally wont be allowed to send that letter because neither of you should contact each other before that. so if you really want to let loose and send her a letter , like the one i played around with, you should send it first. after she signs reciept of it, if she contacts you once more, then go get that petition or restraining order or whatever and you can show the letter and certified mail reciept to whomever needs to see it to verify in writting that you did everything within your means to let her know how you feel and that the harassment and stalking has upset your family and you are "scared" beyond belief because she insists on not leaving you alone after that.

 

once the petition or restraining order or emergency protection order or whatever is established , you will probally have to go to court and the judge will tell her no contact and stay away at least 500 ft at all times to you and your household members.

[catalyst]

Hello. My name is Nikki and my mom did the same thing to me. Now I live 2000 miles away in Oregon. I plan on keeping 1900 miles and a mountain range between her and I for as long as she is coherant enough to recognize me. If she retires to Reno Im leaving the country. This is a very hard one. Your action to take out a protective order was a good move. I would not send her any letters, it adds fuel, although writting them is a very good idea. People are unaware of parents that abuse children as adults and there is not much help. If you'd like some support feel free to write me at [email protected] or go to [email protected].

 

PeaceNik

[luvtoto]

Thank you for your help. I did write a letter to her. I was inspired by the previous post from 'penkitten'. It was a very long one to be exact. Thank you for helping me put my thoughts into words. It was great therapy.

 

I want to send it to her, but this little voice in my head keeps telling me that it will only make her think I care. If she sees a shread of hope...she'll remain unreasonable! Hell, even if she sees no hope. You can't reason with her. No matter what it is. She just is living in her own world and she's not in touch with reality. I have not had contact with the woman for almost a year. Hello!!! Get a clue!!

 

I think that if a police officer shows up at her door with a protection order (period)...that's all the reasoning I'll need. If I go to the trouble of sending her the letter, it will show that I care enough to try to let her down easy. I don't want to be labelled a bitch, but I have no choice, and I guess I can live with that. I just want this crazy *B* to leave me alone.

 

Can you tell me the http address for the controlling mothers group? When I clicked on your link, my computer recognized it as an email address.

[westernxer]

I found it...

 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Daughters_of_Controlling_Mothers/

 

By the way, don't send her that letter.

[catalyst]

Thanks West, I never could get that to work...

[catalyst]

Your welcome.

 

 

"She just is living in her own world and she's not in touch with reality"

 

Thats a key thought there, hang on to it.