Scared to have 2nd child w/ new partner? Help??

[2muchthought]

My fiancé and I have been thinking babies lately. I'm 26, he's 28 and we both have children from prior relationships. He has a 5yr old boy and an 8yr old girl. I have a 10yr old daughter. We have been together 2 years and are planning on getting married. Currently we live together with my daughter, his kids live in a different state but they visit 2x's a year.

 

So, lately we have been thinking that we want to have a child of our own. He is very excited to have a 3rd child. I my self am excited to have another child but......I'm scared that b/c it's his 3rd that he will not love it like he does his other two or that it will be less special b/c he's already gone through it and his kids are still so young. You see I was so young when I had my child to begin with and she is so grown already that this will be like a totally new experience for me and I want it to be special.

 

My other worry is that I my self will feel guilty or even jealous that this new child will have everything that my daughter never had. I am very protective of her b/c she has grown with me and has gone through all the ups and downs that come with growing up w/ a teenage mother and I worry that she will feel neglected or feel like I love this child more.

 

I have spoken to him about my fears and he assures me that he will love this child just as much and that it will be very special b/c it will have come planned and out of love. We both come from really bad realationships where our partners cheated and even got pregnant w/ other ppl. so to both of us this is new and different...loyalty and trust I mean. That genuine feeling of love and happiness.

 

I don't know maybe I'm crazy but I fear these things and sometimes I get so depressed thinking about it. I guess I could asked my self will I love the new child as much as I do my 1st but it's different...they both come from inside me, he on the other hand is a man....plus he already has his 1st boy and 1st girl.......to me, it was so different b/c I was just a child my self but he was grown and did things differently. He's had a family, I never have...not one of my own.

 

Anyone, ever feel this way? Is it wrong for me to think this way? I know it's mostly insecurity but it's only b/c of what I've gone through.

[New_Wife]

I was very concerned when I was pregnant with my second, that there was no way I could love her as much as my first. He was the first time I'd ever felt that much love for another human being, it felt like he filled my entire heart and every other molecule I possessed, so I was very worried that the second child would only get the leftovers of me.

 

As it turned out, I love both of them in such different ways - as they are such different people - and my capacity just increased. He is the more confrontational, upfront, mouthy one; she does things with more finnesse, and flies under the radar until you realize she's just gotten her way in an argument you didn't even see coming (She's playing football - much to her father's dismay!). He's all band, she's all sports. His sense of humor is very upfront and silly, hers is dry and understated. I just love both for their individual personalities.

 

However, there is no rush, if you want to have another child, I suggest waiting until you're married, and ready.

[Jolene]

My other worry is that I my self will feel guilty or even jealous that this new child will have everything that my daughter never had. I am very protective of her b/c she has grown with me and has gone through all the ups and downs that come with growing up w/ a teenage mother and I worry that she will feel neglected or feel like I love this child more.

 

I am thinking these kinds of thoughts also. Before taking the plunge I plan to discuss it in personal counselling and really make sure it's something I want to do...

 

'cause as you well know there's no turning back once you've had the child and certain dynamics which are questionable to you now do or don't materialize. Figure out now how you will want to deal with certain situations in the event that they occur despite your fiancé's reassurances. Life and reality have little to do with good intentions, right?

 

Someone suggested to me that I insist that my fiancé legally adopt my son so that the new baby isn't favoured and treated differently, as that would affect my son. I agree, but at the same time, I know it would be lawyer fees too.

 

The only thing I know for sure is that in order to avoid the older children feeling any loss, can both parents share some one on one time with each child from time to time. Like, when the new baby is born, can hubby stay home with the infant for a week while you take the others to Disneyland? Get the idea? From time to time, do some one on one. It would be so good for both of you, so discuss this in advance with your hubby and put the rules and expectations into play.

 

See a counsellor to strategize your thoughts. They are very real and good considerations you have. You love your children. I'm with you on the same page there. Very valid concerns.

 

~Good luck!

 

And at the end of the day, you may decide you don't want to have another. Maybe he will be in agreement with that all things considered. Take your time.

[Elmo]

Put more effort in to the kids that are here. JMHO.

[Merin]

Really think about the reason(s) the 2 of you have for possibly wanting another child.

 

I don't see anything wrong with wanting more, just saying make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

 

Secondly, I myself have 2 wee peeps and love both them like mad,crazy... they are BOTH amazing little people and I don't love one more than the other.

 

Third thing.. My EX has another child with his GF... and while he still loves the 2 we share, his youngest is still a baby (just turned one) and she does require more attention and time, not to mention she lives with him full time where as he only see's our Kiddos on occassion... of course the relationship isn't the same with our's as it is with the one he has living with him but HE makes it that way.

 

Lot's of people choose to have a child with thier SO even when they have a blended family and again while I think thats okay and good to go... make sure it's because BOTH of you REALLY want another child, and understand that there will be transition and changes in the family dynamics.

 

Good Luck;)

[RecordProducer]

I think it's normal that you have these fears, but don't worry. You will love the child the same as the first one. And your BF too. You should be happy that it will have all the things you and your daughter didn't. Many people don't have things they need, it shouldn't stop us from giving all we can give to our new children.