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Conflictual relationship with parents, afraid to live my love story


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 25th December 2017, 4:42 PM   #1
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Unhappy Conflictual relationship with parents, afraid to live my love story

Hello guys. I am writing here to find a little relief or just to talk about something that's making it hard to sleep for me at night, I am living a very difficult situation between my boyfriend and my parents.

A little bit of background.
I am 25 y.o. I live in Italy, very traditional family. I am an only child. I will graduate next year at the University. I plan to become a doctor. My parents have always been controlling, over protecting, over caring, over everything.
They have always treated me like I was a little girl, and I've always struggled to get some indipendency. They let me do everything I want in the end, but they always have to judge it, and be upset about it if it's not perfectly like in their plans (and it never is.)
My mom suffers from depression, takes antidepressants, is severely obese, rarely goes out of the house. She's always been very judgemental on my past relationships and men. She openly disliked some of my ex boyfriends, treating them poorly, while openly liking others, but not basing on how they treated me, only on her personal opinion, on secondary things like money, social state, family background. Love is never mentioned. Love in her opinion is useless and an illusion. Makes me feel stupid wherever I feel in love with someone, saying that it will not last, and only money matter.
My dad is deeply racist. A couple of examples: he's a Nazi sympathizer, simply put. Like, he says Hitler was right, that a superior race exists. He blames immigrants to take money from our country. He blames the financial crysis of our country on extracommunitarians. His favourite hobby is watching the News and insulting everyone he sees, if he has a different colour of skin. He firmly believe everyone from East Europe is an assassin or a drug dealear, someone violent that has to be avoided. He thinks Jews have a selfish attitude and I shoulnd't be around them. He has raised me with these words: "Please don't bring into my house someone from Naples, from Sicily, a "n***ga", and the list goes on and on. I don't know anyone that escapes from his judging attitude. Whenever I have a fight with a friend or a boyfriend he says "Of course you fight with them, they come from XYZ". Which hurts me terribly. He thinks only about the money. If I bring home a guy that's wealthy and rich is fine, if someone's poor he prays that we will part in the end. I was dating a policeman once. He was a nice guy, with good values. He treated me so good. When he found out he said he wasn't for me. That I should stay with someone that's worth like me. He didn't even know him. I still don't know what's wrong with police men, in his opinion.

I hate their way of thinking, the way they closed my world, because of their fears and their narrow minds. I have always had not many friends, I have spent most of my time at home, studying. Grieving. Crying. Feeling miserable, and desperate. Feeling alone. Feeling different. Feeling guilty of having fallen in love with someone, because in the end " love doesn't exists", as mom says, and that I should have known better.
My family has always been a burden. I have always had to be apologetic to explain my friendships and boyfriends, because they like no one. I had to make such an effort to bring out the good sides of everyone I hang out with, in their eyes, because all they did was complain. About everyone. Constantly. And don't notice how disfunctional our family is. In my opinion every family is better than ours.
Christmas holidays have never been so sad. We stayed in house, didn't see any other relatives (because, of course, they have to say something bad about them too, so they prefer not to see them). The 3 of us around the table. 10 minutes to finish the dinner, and everyone went to sleep. This was my Christmas holiday.

I would prefer so much a table full of people, different ethnicities, different stories, than something so sad. But they like to close themselves because everyone is a menace to our family and our traditions.

My boyfriend.
I have been with him since May. It's not a long time, but I do love him. Oh I do. He's my sun, my world, my everything.
He has loved me more than any other has ever done, and I do love him more than that. Its a short time yes. But I knew him since 3 years. We've always liked each others, but a lot of things kept us apart. My time spent with him is great, quality time, I would spend everyday of mine with him. We laugh, we do things together, we have sex, we play, we study together, we have friends together, we like to do everything together. And to be alone. And then find each other again. Like a story should be lived.
I have various, disfunctional love stories in the past, but this time this is working. And I love it.

There's only one problem. Them.
He comes from Albania, a difficult country, in Italy they have portraied albanians mostly like thieves or rapers (especially in the News my dad uses to watch), but of course, it's not like that. He's a sweet, sweet guy. He came in Italy when he was little. He goes in my same University. His family is poor, humble, but caring and generous, they give that little they have to me, always. He seems Italian, no one could stay he's from another country in the origins. But you could say his parents are from Albania, they talk little Italian.

I try to live my love-story as much freely as I can, but when it comes to my parents, I go full paranoia. I am always taking anti - anxiety pills. I think of what My dad would say if he knew that he comes from Albania, and that when I go to his house, I am welcomed by some ALBANIANS. Dirty, filthy albanians in his mind. In my mind caring, loving people that I get along so well with.

They still don't know.

I don't know how to tell them.
Also he lives in a poor neighbourhood. I want to go and live together with him soon, as soon as I get a job, but this will also be a problem.
I can hear my dad's voice in my ears "my little girl, raised as a princess, lives in that sh*ty neighbourhood with an Albanian".

My stomach hurts and I have horrendous nightmares, where my dad is a giant mountain, that crushes me and I have no breath to talk even If I'd want to tell him "I'm fine, I love him, we're happy!". I keep having these dreams.
I dream of my mom crying when she finds out, blaming me for choosing a poor partner, telling me that she doesn't like anything of him.

I don't know where my love story with him will go.
But I wish I could live it and see how things go without worrying about these things.
I feel like I'm HUGELY influenced by them.

You're gonna say I'm old enough, 25, to do whatever I want.
And I do whatever I want.
I am just afraid that they won't be happy for me, that they will spend the rest of their days worrying and shaking their heads for something that, instead, makes me happy. I would like them to partecipate in my joy.
And, in the end, I feel sorry for him. For treating him like a dirty little secret, where instead, his family embraced me and loved me like a daughter.
This has been going on for many months now and I'd like it to end, but I don't know how.

It was just a tantrum I know, but I'd like to share my story with you, and hear yours.

PS: I am already seeing a therapist, and I've been prescribed with some medications. My therapist agreed that I have a highly dysfunctional family, and my coping mechanisms has led me to anxiety disorders, panic attacks, and much more. I should be doing family therapy. But they don't want to come and wouldn't listen. They'd blame the therapist for "giving me" such strange ideas, and force me to quit.




Thanks for reading my story.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:50 PM   #2
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You are clearly an intelligent person. You know the answer. You just don't like it.

When you graduate, get your own apartment, even if that is not the cultural norm. Date whomever you want just understand the price of that relationship will be disharmony with your parents. You already know they have a closed minded approach to many things so putting some distance in here is probably a good thing.

I had to draw a similar line in the sand with my parents at a similar age & life stage -- 24 & having graduated from professional school. I moved out. They didn't talk to me for 2 years. At some point my father decided that losing his only daughter wasn't worth it so he convinced my mother to accept my choices.

If you don't stand up for yourself you will end up alone & miserable.
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:43 PM   #3
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Having lived with your parents your whole life I understand that it is very painful to think of them judging and/or rejecting you. Everyone will say just move out and live your life and to heck with your parents and they are right but doing so is extremely emotional and painful for some young adults. So I don't envy your position and I understand your anxiety.

Your parents love you in their own sick warped way. Their backwards and racists attitudes will probably never change but they won't want to lose you. When you leave to go live with your boyfriend they will rail and freak out and threaten all sorts of things. You may even have to stop talking to them for awhile for your own mental health. It will be scary and painful but you have to have faith in yourself and stand your ground. When your parents see that you are not waivering or bending to their will they will start to accept the reality that you are going to live your life with or without them. They will not want to lose you and while they will still be racist judgemental bigots they will learn to control themselves where you and your boyfriend are concerned.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:41 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
When you leave to go live with your boyfriend they will rail and freak out and threaten all sorts of things.

OP do not move out of your parents' house & immediately start living with your BF. While it's your life & your choice, moving without the interim step of living on your own or with a same sex roommate will not afford you a healthy relationship with your BF & may preclude any attempted reconciliation with your parents. The first step in healing that relationship has to be for them to see you as an independent adult capable of standing on her own two feet & reaching her own conclusions about various social issues, including immigration and money. To jump into a cohabitating with a BF will not give your parents the perspective of you as an independent adult. They will view this as you needing a man, any man, even one they see as beneath you.
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:02 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
OP do not move out of your parents' house & immediately start living with your BF. While it's your life & your choice, moving without the interim step of living on your own or with a same sex roommate will not afford you a healthy relationship with your BF & may preclude any attempted reconciliation with your parents. The first step in healing that relationship has to be for them to see you as an independent adult capable of standing on her own two feet & reaching her own conclusions about various social issues, including immigration and money. To jump into a cohabitating with a BF will not give your parents the perspective of you as an independent adult. They will view this as you needing a man, any man, even one they see as beneath you.
100% agree with you. But the OP said her plan is to go live with her bf soon. You are right though. She will earn more respect from her parents if she moves on her own and lives independently.
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