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will single mothers be the new (only) family unit?


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Old 23rd November 2017, 11:15 AM   #1
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will single mothers be the new (only) family unit?

it would be better to accept single mothers, maybe even support them

better than cajoling or berating them and their stray boyfriends or husbands

better than relying on marriage becoming popular again, we can not go back to the 1950s, not all people even want to

any thoughts?

Last edited by darkmoon; 23rd November 2017 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 23rd November 2017, 2:31 PM   #2
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I know (as in, IRL) few couples that married, had kids, stayed together all the way thru raising them. Everyone I know is single, divorced, in a reconstituted family.

I was married when I had my daughter. Divorced when she was 11. My own parents are divorced. My daughter is now pregnant. Boyfriend took off when he found out.

I'm not sure he was needed anyway. I don't see much wrong with single parenthood.
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:00 AM   #3
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It won't be the new normal any time soon (people are wired to pair up), but it will be normalized. Even now it is not a stigma anymore.

A friend of mine is getting impregnated from a sperm donor. She's openly sharing this with friends, coworkers etc - something I believe unthinkable 50 years ago. She's treating it not any different than OLD: she'd go to a page with donors, pick characteristics etc.
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:05 AM   #4
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It won't be the new normal any time soon (people are wired to pair up), but it will be normalized. Even now it is not a stigma anymore.

A friend of mine is getting impregnated from a sperm donor. She's openly sharing this with friends, coworkers etc - something I believe unthinkable 50 years ago. She's treating it not any different than OLD: she'd go to a page with donors, pick characteristics etc.
what a raw and risky deal, burdening a child like that, stray boyfriends or husbands are one thing, but donorship is another
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:49 AM   #5
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I would not go this route myself, if things go to single parenting I think I'll just adopt an older child (not a baby, maybe 3-5 year old).

But I can see her point. She do want a biological child but do not want to burden herself with bf/husband (she's very individualistic, and can't even tolerate roommates so I think it is for the better ). It is much more honorable and sensible to go through the donor route than to trick some random dude to impregnating her, both morally, and biologically (donors go through all kind of genetic screens, the random guy can be carrier of a bouquet of mutations...)

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what a raw and risky deal, burdening a child like that, stray boyfriends or husbands are one thing, but donorship is another
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Old 25th November 2017, 12:56 PM   #6
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I think a lot of women become single mothers through no fault of their own. Life sucks. But it is definitely NOT the best way to raise a child. I had a terrible father, but after my parents divorced things went even worse. I pretty much ended up raising my younger sister myself and leaving the whole rotten mess behind. Since I was young and single, I don't think I did a very good job of getting her to adulthood. We survived, but that was about it.

My take on it is this: Kids need two parents. Two GOOD parents. I think it is a mistake for women to intentionally try having a kid alone. I think it is a mistake for couples to have kids when they aren't financially stable. If nothing else, dealing with a kid while you are single is an expensive nightmare logistically. There are a couple of single mothers where I work - their cost of living is extremely high because of paying for childcare. Their quality of life is lower, because they have little freedom. Their entire life after work is centered around their kids, with little time for dating or friends. When a couple has children, there is an option for one of the partners to stay home while the other socializes or runs errands. The flexibility is so much greater. There is also the possibility to have two incomes under one roof, which lowers the burden of the cost of living.

I know we love girl power in our society, but we tend to forget about the boys. Boys need fathers. Or, if not a father, at least some sort of male role model in their lives such as an uncle or a mentor. If they don't have this, how will they learn the traditionally "male" concepts of duty, honor, and strength? I think the lack of fathers in 50% of American homes has pretty much caused a lack of real men in our society....which in turn causes women not to want to date them, and produces more fatherless homes.

Girls need fathers too...someone to love them unconditionally and be a protector until they can protect themselves. Girls also need a role model to show them the kind of man they ought to date (if they end up dating men, that is.) One of the biggest sources of pain in my life was having a father who didn't care and was mostly absent, was abusive when he was around, and who finally disappeared. A girl never gets over that. I was never able to find someone to fill that hole in my life. I think my exBF's dad might have tried, but I was too hurt at the time to be open to it.

None of this should be construed to mean that we shouldn't help out single mothers, be compassionate toward them, etc... But I don't think it is a trend that society should be encouraging.
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Old 25th November 2017, 12:59 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
it would be better to accept single mothers, maybe even support them

better than cajoling or berating them and their stray boyfriends or husbands

better than relying on marriage becoming popular again, we can not go back to the 1950s, not all people even want to

any thoughts?
Single Parenthood is about as cliche and common now as people coming out on Social Media and being called Brave.

Plenty of people do it. It is quite normal and there should be no shock factor involved. A single parent can do just as good a job as a married couple or co parents.
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Old 25th November 2017, 1:17 PM   #8
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I agree all children need male role models. Absolutely. But that role model doesn't have to be a father. It can be a grandfather, uncle, brother, ANY good adult male.

My father in law was a wonderful man. He had a hand in raising many children. An ex colleague of mine is the male figure in his single sisters children's lives. Hell, in a pinch, it can be a reliable, compassionate teacher. My brother grew up living with our father (I didn't) but it was a teacher he looked up to, not our weak dad who allowed his 2nd wife to abuse his son.
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Old 25th November 2017, 4:11 PM   #9
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what a raw and risky deal, burdening a child like that, stray boyfriends or husbands are one thing, but donorship is another
TangledWebs UK
My brothers ex did that and her child is thriving and doing amazing, she's an attorney and is an excellent parent, more so I think because she doesn't take it for granted since she waited til she was older and it didn't come easy-- imo a really good loving parent is what matters

What motivated you to ask about this in your thread?
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Last edited by rubyjuly; 25th November 2017 at 4:15 PM..
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Old 25th November 2017, 4:58 PM   #10
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I support single parenthood by choice for people who can afford it.

I don't believe children need two parents or else. I think if a child is loved and well taken care of he/she will be fine. I think poverty and lack of education is the main problem when things don't turn out well.

Male/female role models are necessary and can be found and chosen carefully . Better than a bad role model in the home in the form of a irresponsible biological parent. We are being conditioned to say that children must have two parents but I do t believe that. One or two bad parents are bad news. One good parent and a good support system are a much better choices.
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Old 25th November 2017, 5:08 PM   #11
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My brothers ex did that and her child is thriving and doing amazing, she's an attorney and is an excellent parent, more so I think because she doesn't take it for granted since she waited til she was older and it didn't come easy-- imo a really good loving parent is what matters

What motivated you to ask about this in your thread?
just wondered what people would say, fact is, donorship is not philanthropic, "donors" get paid, and unlike stray husbands or boyfriends,, donors hide behind serial numbers allocated by the fertility industry, impossible to find, impossible, making one rule for the mom, who knows her dad (has met him, even if she does not like him) and another for her "donated" child, for whom dad is mystery, selfish double standards then, not that excellent, most atty's kids will do well, middle-class homes are like that

PS BlueyeL love is standard, not a revelation

Last edited by darkmoon; 25th November 2017 at 5:15 PM..
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Old 25th November 2017, 5:15 PM   #12
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Not a huge problem if a kid is loved and well taken care of, in the big scheme of things. Better than to know that your father abandoned you, or to have abusive parents. You get to be born and you get love and attention. That would be good enough for me.

Look nobody has a perfect childhood and perfect parents. I'd choose to be born.
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Old 25th November 2017, 5:19 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
just wondered what people would say, fact is, donorship is not philanthropic, "donors" get paid, and unlike stray husbands or boyfriends,, donors hide behind serial numbers allocated by the fertility industry, impossible to find, impossible, making one rule for the mom, who knows her dad (has met him, even if she does not like him) and another for her "donated" child, for whom dad is mystery, selfish double standards then, not that excellent
Your assertion that donorship is not philanthropic is not true worldwide.

Where I am, donors are not paid for sperm. In some states, the name of the donor can be accessed through Births, Deaths and Marriages. Women are not paid for embryos either.
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Old 25th November 2017, 6:09 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
it would be better to accept single mothers, maybe even support them

better than cajoling or berating them and their stray boyfriends or husbands

better than relying on marriage becoming popular again, we can not go back to the 1950s, not all people even want to

any thoughts?
Once a child is in the world, in better or worse circumstance, that's that.

As far as berating/cajoling a single mom...who does this?

Kids need love...food and shelter but most importantly love, single parent or not.
Any opportunity to provide stability, whether from a single mom or single dad, both parents together or another caregiver.
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Old 25th November 2017, 7:03 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
just wondered what people would say, fact is, donorship is not philanthropic, "donors" get paid, and unlike stray husbands or boyfriends,, donors hide behind serial numbers allocated by the fertility industry, impossible to find, impossible, making one rule for the mom, who knows her dad (has met him, even if she does not like him) and another for her "donated" child, for whom dad is mystery, selfish double standards then, not that excellent, most atty's kids will do well, middle-class homes are like that

PS BlueyeL love is standard, not a revelation
I was just wondering where this was coming from, if it's in some way personal to you to wonder about? I don't think most people would be hostile to a single mom or one who has to use a donor to have a child as long as she's a good and responsible parent... I guess just wondering where a resentment towards it would even come from. I'm really tired and not feeling well so I haven't thought it through that much but are you saying a father (stray as you put it) is preferable to a woman having a child by a donor? I grew up with both parents so I haven't been there but I think I would rather be a child with a mom who chose to have me than have a dad who abandoned me. The use of the phrase "donated child" i guess one could use that phrase toward any child since the man "donates " his sperm..its odd way to look at it but to each his own I guess maybe you have reasons to see it like that
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Last edited by rubyjuly; 25th November 2017 at 7:09 PM..
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