Father anger issues

[manny1]

Hi all, I would really appreciate some advice as I don't know where to turn. My father has in the last couple of years become a very angry person who flips at any little grievance. He was never like this. To many people who seem him on the outside he is very jolly and nice but at home he can be quite brunt especially with my mother. She's now very nervous around him as he will just get angry at her for no reason. He's holding grudges against family members who he believes have wronged him ( although these people aren't the best people at times they haven't done anything so bad as to warrant his behaviour). My sister and I are planning on talking to him as we feel really disappointed and ashamed of his behaviour. It's hard seeing my parents like this. Any advice on how I should approach the talk? Part of me wants to just lay into him and tell him how awful his behaviour is. Thanks

[basil67]

I understand your frustration and can only imagine your mother's hurt. My view is that a personality change should be assessed by a doctor. How old is your father?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he needs to feel loved a little bit more rather than feared.

 

How do you know these family members have always treated him well? You were there for his whole life? No you were not.

 

I would ask him to explain what so and so did wrong if you care so much and tenderly hear him out when he gives his answer.

[manny1]

Thanks for replying.

He's 61. He's had issues with his own family who have not spoken to him for over 20 years. He doesn't like a couple of my mother's brothers as they don't make an effort to talk to him but we hardly see them and he's been holding onto this for ages. it's tough as he turns it on my mum when she has done nothing but been there for him with his own family problems.

I guess look back my sister and I haven't been there enough for him but I just feel so disappointed in him. He's my hero and he was always telling us to do the right thing and to behave appropriately when we were young.

[amaysngrace]

Being upset with people who won't take time to talk to him seems like it may be the right way to behave appropriately.

[manny1]

I agree being upset with them. But to take out such anger on my mother is not a healthy response.

[smackie9]

He might have early onset of Alzheimer's, or have an addiction like alcohol, or depression. You need to have a conversation with your mother first and ask many questions about his behavior, like is he drinking a lot more, not sleeping, up pacing at night, being paranoid, take a certain medication, etc. It sound to me it's a medical problem, and his moodiness is not intentional. If he has been estranged from his family for years, he probably is bi-polar or has PTSD, or BPD. Don't confront him until you get all the facts from your mother.

[amaysngrace]

I agree being upset with them. But to take out such anger on my mother is not a healthy response.

 

You should tell him that then.

 

Maybe he has reason to be mad with her too that you don't know about.

[knabe]

I'm not going to defend your father's abuse because I don't defend abuse.

 

However, if this has just begun to happen in the last couple of years, I would encourage consulting a doctor.

 

61 is not all that old, but it is old enough for things like Alzheimer's, dementia, Parkinson's etc. to begin.

 

My father is older than yours, but he has some beginning dementia and Parkinson's, and his memory failings coupled with his fear over not being in control of himself has made him more volatile. And my mom has gotten the brunt of it at times.

 

I love him and sympathize, but I will not tolerate him mistreating Mom either.

 

I feel for you. It's a tough place to be.

[robaday]

Sounds like my Dad, he turned nasty after he fathered another kid and kept it a secret. Guilt just turned him into a monster. Im sorry but at that age my dad and your dad know how to behave. There is no excuse, particularly in his treatment of your mother. I learnt how not to behave from my father, it was the best lesson he ever taught me in life.