loney_girl Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 My mom has been with her bf for about 2 years I think. It was a while before I met him because I was living in a different part of the country when they got together. After I moved home, I started picking up on some red flags here and there. He never seems to be able to keep a job and my mom pays for everything. I think its begun to really stress her out financially. He is usually very friendly but I've seen him get mad (not at my mom) and its terrifying. He also makes little weird comments which make me uncomfortable sometimes. I was out to brunch with a friend and it turned out he used to work with my mom's bf. The first thing my friend said was "tell your mother to run". My friend is also friend's with the bf's ex. Turns out he exhausted her financially and racked up a ton of debt in her name. Then he left it all on her and took off, leaving her to the point of almost declaring bankruptcy. At the end of their relationship, she came to work one day with a black eye but it was never discussed. My friend knows a lot of other things the bf put his ex through but he didn't really get into it. He said "bottom line, this guy is not good and your mother needs to get away from him". I can tell this is starting to happen to my mom. Recently she had her phone/cable shut off for not paying the bill. I want to talk about this with my mom but I have no idea how to broach the subject or even what to say. Does anyone have any advice or dealt with anything similar to this before? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 Just come straight out with what you know. But don't expect her to listen - love is blind after all. She may have to learn the hard way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 She may have to learn the hard way. Agreed. Mom can see her own declining bank balances but I'm sure she makes every excuse in the world for his parasitic lifestyle. You can warn her but don't be surprised if she gets mad at you for bringing it up. Down the road, you can always say "told you so" ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author loney_girl Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 That's what I'm afraid of, that its going to damage our relationship. I'm going to tell her anyway. She needs to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Introduce your friend to your mom and casually mention, "Jack knows Phil" (whatever the names are) and see if he will tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 If you dont tell her now then later on, when things fall apart and she comes to know that you knew everything all along but chose not to tell her, that will be worse. Atleat at this point she can save herself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Tell her exactly what your friend has said. You owe her the truth! This is your mom and she can't see the red flags because she's blinded by her feelings for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Damn. Sympathy not envy. You have to tell her because you know in your heart that it's true. That said, expect her to become defensive. But tell her anyway. It's the only right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 My mom has been with her bf for about 2 years I think. It was a while before I met him because I was living in a different part of the country when they got together. After I moved home, I started picking up on some red flags here and there. He never seems to be able to keep a job and my mom pays for everything. I think its begun to really stress her out financially. He is usually very friendly but I've seen him get mad (not at my mom) and its terrifying. He also makes little weird comments which make me uncomfortable sometimes. I was out to brunch with a friend and it turned out he used to work with my mom's bf. The first thing my friend said was "tell your mother to run". My friend is also friend's with the bf's ex. Turns out he exhausted her financially and racked up a ton of debt in her name. Then he left it all on her and took off, leaving her to the point of almost declaring bankruptcy. At the end of their relationship, she came to work one day with a black eye but it was never discussed. My friend knows a lot of other things the bf put his ex through but he didn't really get into it. He said "bottom line, this guy is not good and your mother needs to get away from him". I can tell this is starting to happen to my mom. Recently she had her phone/cable shut off for not paying the bill. I want to talk about this with my mom but I have no idea how to broach the subject or even what to say. Does anyone have any advice or dealt with anything similar to this before? If she has a brain in her head, she has already identified that this guy is a drain on her financially and emotionally, so you won't be surprising her with anything. Whether or not she wants to be honest with herself and accept reality, is another story. If she is desperate to have a relationship and willing to allow this to happen to her, there isn't anything you can say or do that will sway her. Bottom line is to simply let her know what you know and how you know it and let her decide how to use the information. Don't try to coerce or force anything on her. Give her the info and leave it there. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 If she has a brain in her head, she has already identified that this guy is a drain on her financially and emotionally, so you won't be surprising her with anything. Whether or not she wants to be honest with herself and accept reality, is another story. If she is desperate to have a relationship and willing to allow this to happen to her, there isn't anything you can say or do that will sway her. Bottom line is to simply let her know what you know and how you know it and let her decide how to use the information. Don't try to coerce or force anything on her. Give her the info and leave it there. I agree with all of the above but want to follow it with she will know you see what she is most likely seeing and it means she has you for support. Getting rid of a guy like that is not generally easy. She may not want to quit this right now but if she knows you know then it'll make her think about things hopefully clearer but she'll know she has someone to fall back on in you if needed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Start with "Mom, I'm a little worried about you. I ran into somebody who knows your BF & on top of the uneasy feeling I already had she made me very concerned. Can we talk about him?" Don't judge. Don't tell her what to do. You are not her mom. Lay your concerns on the table. Remind her that you love her. But in the end you have to let her make her own decisions. Never say another bad word about him. Do ask Qs. Continue to love her. Be there to pick up the pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
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