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Meeting his kids


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Old 28th December 2016, 11:08 AM   #1
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Meeting his kids

My boyfriend and I have known each other for many years. There was always something between us but we were both married to others. My marriage ended. We ran into each other and the connection between us began to grow. After a few months, he left his family. His ex gave intimate details to his teenage children about why their father was leaving. He and his children see each other about once a month but its still strained.


I briefly met the younger child (16) a few times. But we stopped that interaction because his ex claimed it was troublesome for the child. I have not met the older child (17).


We have been together for a year. We plan on marrying. We are well aware that we didn't start our relationship properly. But we are committed to making our life together work. Its a struggle for both of us that I am not ever around his children. He has built a wonderful relationship with my children. We really don't know where to go from here?


How do we make the introduction and make it in the least awkward manner as possible? What does he say to them, what do I say to them? Should I apologize for breaking up their family?
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Old 28th December 2016, 11:49 AM   #2
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He made the choice to leave. They are old enough to decide how they feel on the situation and there isn't much you can do about that. Just be positive and supportive, don't get into details with them. Make the experience meeting them fun where they can walk away thinking "wow she is really nice" they'll notice how you treat their dad especially.
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Old 28th December 2016, 1:25 PM   #3
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How long ago did your boyfriend leave his wife? His kids are old enough to know if they want anything to do with you or not and if they don't then they don't.

Since you two are not married and are only bf/gf there is really no reason or need for you to be heavily involved with his children and you should not be letting him be overly involved in your childrens' lives either.
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Old 28th December 2016, 1:34 PM   #4
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Its been a year since he left his family. We are currently only boyfriend/girlfriend but will be married in the next 18 months.


My children are all over 18 and have very good relationships with my boyfriend. And they will continue to grow this relationship. We both want the same type of relationship between me and his kids. But we know it probably wont be so easy.


We are both good parents. Family is important to us, we want to blend our families eventually so we need to start somewhere.
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Old 29th December 2016, 1:09 AM   #5
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If the kids and their mother were really hurt by your bf leaving then it's going to take a heck of a lot longer than a year for them to want anything to do with you.

Your bf should be most focused on repairing his relationship with his kids right now. Forcing you on them would be a really bad idea. They cannot be rushed into this. They might accept you a few more years down the road.
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Old 29th December 2016, 1:39 AM   #6
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"claimed it was troublesome"? her claim might be legit, you need to think of what you say
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Old 29th December 2016, 1:55 AM   #7
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Don't bank on a happy blended family, that takes years to build, especially due the your circumstances of how you two got together. Their kids have a mother already, so it's not like they're looking for a replacement mom.

Don't rush it, their kids need to decide when they want to meet you.

Also, their mom has every right to tell them the truth as to why he left the family unit. To be with you. 16 year olds aren't stupid, they probably would have figured it out on their own. Don't blame their mom, his ex wife for this.
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Old 29th December 2016, 8:39 AM   #8
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Yes I used the words claimed because there was a discussion with the child And his version was much different that hers.


I don't blame the mother for telling the kids the truth. What I do blame her for is how she did it. Instead of sitting them down and talking to them, she went on a rant and showed them pictures that teenagers should never see. She gave them details of private matters. I don't want to be their mom, they have a mom, I want to be acknowledged as their dads wife that's it.


Im looking for advice on how to make that introduction, where, when and how do you really know its the right time?
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Old 29th December 2016, 8:53 AM   #9
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Dad's opinion

What does their dad want? Is he ready to introduce them to you? Is he wanting to give it more time?

I feel like it is important for their father to stay humble with the kids. In other words, he needs to allow the kids time to mourn, to be upset, and to heal. Their feelings need to be honored, because it sounds as though it was a very traumatic event for them, without placing blame on anyone. It's their road, and their path, and that needs to be honored.

They will make up their own minds and form their own opinions. Your job is to be positive, caring, and like their dad, honor their feelings. I think they will end up respecting you more if you do not push the blended family issue. I think a happily blended family is what all of us want when we remarry, but it doesn't always happen. It can be encouraged, though. Your job is to smile and be pleasant and accept with grace whatever the kids decide at their own individual pace. Granted, they shouldn't be allowed to be disrespectful [that will be their father's job to handle], but this has been traumatic for them, from the sounds of it. Go slowly!!
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Old 29th December 2016, 9:11 AM   #10
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YOUR relationship ended cleanly, his did not.

So to his kids YOU were the "marriage wrecker", everything would be fine, their mother would not be hurt and their family would be intact if it wasn't FOR YOU.

YOU cannot change that, they either get over it and all is well, or they will tolerate it to a certain extent to keep the peace, or they will never get over it and hate you forever.
At this stage it is difficult to tell how it will pan out.
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Old 29th December 2016, 9:31 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
YOUR relationship ended cleanly, his did not.

So to his kids YOU were the "marriage wrecker", everything would be fine, their mother would not be hurt and their family would be intact if it wasn't FOR YOU.
As one who has been an adult child in a similar situation, I can tell you that it really hurts. I had such anger and resentment toward my father and his new girlfriend. Things have come together more now, but it has been 5 years. So, I think the answer to your question is time....

Keep your relationship separate from the kids. Don't pressure them to accept your relationship or spend time with the two of you together. Encourage their father to spend time with his kids and develop a relationship that is separate from your relationship and the "family" relationship. This is REALLY important... If they feel secure with their relationship with their dad, it will allow them to even consider accepting you into their lives. If they have a strained relationship with their dad, it will be so much harder. And when you do see them, be positive, friendly, and don't place any expectations on the children.

It takes time for any blended family to come together, at the best of times. Given how your relationship began, the age of the children, and the possible influence of their mother who has been hurt by your relationship, you should expect that it will take even longer.... If it ever really comes together. My best friend was also in a similar situation... Her father didn't handle things well and she has never accepted this woman and her relationship with her father has been very strained.
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Old 29th December 2016, 9:34 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by jll07 View Post
Yes I used the words claimed because there was a discussion with the child And his version was much different that hers.


I don't blame the mother for telling the kids the truth. What I do blame her for is how she did it. Instead of sitting them down and talking to them, she went on a rant and showed them pictures that teenagers should never see. She gave them details of private matters. I don't want to be their mom, they have a mom, I want to be acknowledged as their dads wife that's it.


Im looking for advice on how to make that introduction, where, when and how do you really know its the right time?
Sadly, when a person is deceived and stabbed in the back they often don't respond in the most mature and reasonable fashion. That's the chance we take when we decide to be deceitful and disloyal. By reading your other posts it seems that the BW was never told the truth, she was left to figure it out for herself. I'm not saying what she told and showed her kids was okay, I'm just saying she alone isn't to blame. She may have been wrong to show her kids pictures but there shouldn't have been any pictures to show them in the first place.

It's kind of like the difference between walking down the street and suddenly being attacked by some unknown vicious dog verses being attacked only after one has chosen to go to go into the dogs yard, poking and taunting, throwing rocks and kicking the dog. In the first scenario the victim of the attack would probably get tons of sympathy, not so much in the second scenario. It always simply amazes me when cheaters get all indignant and judgemental when the betrayed spouse loses it and reacts to the horrible pain inflicted on them. Again I'm not saying that betrayed spouses should not be responsible for their own actions, just that their cheating spouse and affair partner should be the last people casting judgement and blame.

You want his kids to acknowledge you as their dad's wife, but you are not his wife so you are putting the cart before the horse. Is he even divorced yet? I think you are expecting way too much too soon. His kids are old enough to decide for themselves when they are ready to give you a place in their family. It may take a few years or it may take many years. It may be never. They are not obligated to make your dreams of happily ever after come true. Just focus on your own family and let your boyfriends kids process this the way they want to.
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Old 29th December 2016, 9:40 AM   #13
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And if I may, my father moved quickly and wanted to marry this other woman two years after the break up with my family... At the time, I remember thinking about what I would do if I was asked to attend a wedding/be part of a wedding. The thought was very upsetting to me. I had decided that I would do my best to attend, but I was hoping and praying that they didn't ask me to participate. It may seem like it's been a long time and it may be a happy occasion to you. But, for me, it was like another death. I was greiving the loss of my family. A wedding was not something to celebrate for me at that time.

It would be now. But, not two years after the event when my relationship with my dad was strained and I was still very upset about the loss of my family unit.

I share this not in judgment, but just to help you understand what the children may be feeling. Their perspective is likely very, very different than yours...

And if I may, I often heard that it was their life and they had every right to be happy. I was told that it was my problem and that I just needed to accept the relationship. I agree, however I say that it is important to remember that you have every right to your happiness... But not at the expense of others. These are children who have lost their family unit in a rather traumatic way (for them). It has altered their relationship with their father forever. Just be aware of that... The decisions that you have made have changed their lives too, forever...

Last edited by BaileyB; 29th December 2016 at 10:05 AM..
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Old 29th December 2016, 11:00 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by jll07 View Post
Im looking for advice on how to make that introduction, where, when and how do you really know its the right time?
well... the kids are old(er). that is actually a plus! no, i don't think you should apologize to them - unless they start THAT conversation. you can discuss that once you know each other better - now, in the beginning... you should keep it light. their father needs to repair his relationship with them 1st, otherwise... they might feel like he comes packaged with you & that he doesn't really give importance to just their relationship. he should definitely see them more than once a month, for starters. the father should invite them to some kind of dinner at your house, they'll meet you there. take it slow and easy, get to know them on some basic stuff - what do they do, what do they like... move from there: go see some movies together, picnics... stuff like that.

there is NEVER the RIGHT time. you gotta create the right time yourself because if you keep waiting for it - you'll probably wait forever. sure, you SHOULD wait some reasonable amount of time and that depends on the kids age & how they reacted to the situation: their father should be able to determine what is enough time for them to adapt. you also need to be aware of the fact that they might never accept you, especially because they're older and soon... they'll move into apartments of their own, colleges... so you won't have the typical stepparent - stepchild bonding time you might have if the kids were younger. they simply won't be around much longer and the dad is seeing them VERY rarely already, so... be careful. if they don't accept you and you move in and marry their dad - they might start avoiding you and the dad alltogether and not coming EVER. that's all a possibility!

i've seen families work like that, too - the wife and adult kids do not have any contact and... it works out for them. so you might have to make it work for you, too.
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Old 30th December 2016, 3:03 PM   #15
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Cool Meeting step kids

Hi! Wow! Do I know about this topic! I am a step mom of 2 girls and a mom of 2 girls whose dad died. My new husband was divorced. His ex lives in the same town so it was easier for them to share the girls. When my husband and I met 10 years ago we dated first and then we all met up together at a water park. My girls were 3yr, 9yrs his were 10yr and 14yr. It went pretty well and was easy to get a long. The problem comes if you try to be their mother or even a friend before they are ready you get rejected. Just because their dad loves you doesn't mean that they will. I have found the best thing to do is keep trying and keep inviting them to do things with you. 9 times you may get a "no" answer but the 10th time you may get a "yes." Being there when they need something or remembering them on birthdays and holidays is as close as I have gotten over 10 years! But I am hopeful that as they get older they will see how I have tried to get to know them and be a friend to them and we can have some kind of relationship. It may be harder with girls because they are no longer his #1 princess once you get married. To have confidence in God and who he has made me to be and what my role is in their lives has helped me a lot. I will be thinking of you! Being a step mom is a calling I think and not everyone can do it well. Don't give up!!!!
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