I've damaged my relationships with my family and friends to the point that I've given up. I simply don't care anymore, and it's showing. At some point, you have to give up, I tell myself. They are all successful people who have lots of connections, vacations, and wives. They drive expensive cars. They take trips overseas. They are HAPPY.
I'm the apartment dweller who lost everything more than once due to stupid decisions. I'm the "bad influence", as told to me by my family peers, and there's a reason why they no longer associate with me. When family gatherings happen, I'm the one that is sitting in his room, and my brother (who I love dearly) is the only guy who calls me to see how I'm doing, and even he can't stomach talking to me too much.I've turned into a monster, and while I may seem like a guy who doesn't care, I have simply given up. Every attempt I make at repairing relationships with friends and family is met with disdain. I'm done trying. It's been YEARS.
I've been to jail for things I didn't do. Women claiming I hit them when I don't ****ing hit women. I've taken the fall for people who moved on and didn't give 2 ****s about me. I've taken the blame for having a bunch of marijuana in a car so my friend, who was leaving for basic training, wouldn't get into trouble and still get into the marines. I've been accused of rape by someone who had rape fantasies and ASKED me to do it (we had a ****ing safe word for Christ's sake.)
I've taken the blame for so many people, and tried to do right by them, that I'm emotionally and physically drained. Even walking around putting a smile on my face is a constant battle because in reality, there isn't anything to smile about anymore. If this is "living", then **** it, I'll find a different way to live because this simply sucks ass. This is NOT how I'm going to die. I'm not going to die sitting on my ass paying for the mistakes of OTHER people.
The things that mattered to me most are gone. I really have no reason to be living in WA anymore. I've told my story on here before, the true story of my childhood, and that blew up in my face so hard that I regret doing it to this day. "telling the truth" will NOT set you free, it will get you hated by everybody you once loved, AND they still won't believe you.
I can't even see my child anymore. She won't let me, and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it. Yet, I have to pay child support every month to make sure she can have a good life with OUR child, allowing some other guy to teach my child what I should be teaching him. I noticed the poor kid already getting picked on by other kids. This guy isn't teaching him jack ****.
I can't even really work at work anymore, I'm DRAINED. I just don't want to do this **** anymore. I've tried, I suck at this job, so it's time to find something else. Everyone else around here is getting all kinds of money working this same job, yet I can't seem to make a sale if my life depended on it.
This isn't just a rant. This is me waving a white flag and going away. Sooner or later, you have to realize that eventually, it's not going to work. A square wooden block will not fit into a smaller, circular hole, regardless of the way you angle it.
Someone once said on here "if you're not appreciated, give them the gift of your absence." While related to relationships, I can see this being applied to my situation as well. Besides, when I was stuck in my apartment and doing NOTHING with my life, it seems everyone in my family flourished and was happier with me being gone. If I can make everyone THAT happy by not being around....well by God, that is what I'm going to do.
Well you put a lot out there.
I was you once. It was a very unhappy time.
But you have to remember 1 happy thought?
Find it and follow it. Make it happen again.
Our brain creates habits. Do the thing you used to do that made you happy and it will become a habit once again.
Don't rely on or base your life on others.
I have found that the less I have the happier I am in life. But thats just me.
Youtube Elliot Hulse.
Guy is very motivational in a no bull**** way.
And if your friends are into stuff that will land you in jail,, send them packing. You become who you are around most. Find good successful people and ask them questions and just generally try to surround yourself with better people. If you can't find them in person. Find them online. YouTube tedx.
I brought myself out of a very dark place in the last few months entirely online between Elliott Hulse and tedx and sometimes wherever those led me. There are some incredible stories out there that will make you feel confident I'm taking on this world and.
Good luck....Your not alone.
Location: The most beautiful little country in the world.
I can hear your angst and frustration, I can understand it too. I seem to be the one to suffer through other peoples actions also and it is draining and unfair. Not much we can do about it though, besides learning from experience in order to avoid similar in the future.
Other peoples lives always look happy, wealthier and more successful from an outsiders viewpoint. Those "happy" people with expensive cars, overseas vacations and wives, may not be what they appear- they may be facing financial difficulty and only keeping up appearances, the wives could be drug addicts, gamblers or sleeping around on them- you just don't know.
You are a talented writer, (who else here replies in rhymes? No one except for nowty in reply to you here.) you seem to have a natural easy way of expressing yourself through words, you need to start celebrating the positives in your life and the things you do well- like writing (I'm sure there's loads more too)!!
By all means remove yourself from people who make you feel unhappy. There's no point in wasting time being around people who bring you down, even if they are family.
Well we love you and appreciate you Rhymes. Get out man, get a fresh start somewhere else. And start being more selfish. I got rid of all my stuff and headed down to Florida with just a duffel, my backpack and whatever savings I had. That was it. And it was the second best decision I ever made. Right after moving to be near Timshel a week after I got here.
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