Brother in Law Became too Needy

[jmmm]

My husband and I are newlyweds. We have been together for over 4 years. Two years ago his parents moved away after retiring. During the time of us dating when his parents were here, we pretty much lived with them as my then boyfriend/fiance was trying to save. His brother is married and has been married for years and been with the same woman for about 9 years now. They are past mid thirties. So they pretty much had their time together and then some. While me and husband dated, his brother wasn't really all that needy with seeing my boyfriend and I or us coming over. He had his set of friends and we came over when we could.

 

As soon as their parents moved and we got our apartment together (which then led to less time for ourselves as things got busier with daily life of commuting, work stress, meal prep on weekends, waking up at 5am for work each day) he suddenly expected to see us more and pretty frequent. If we saw him one Saturday (and this would consist of coming over at 4 and not leaving until 10:30pm) he would call again within two weeks for us to come over again and do the same thing..I have my parents in their 60's that are lonely and my own brother doesn't require this much attention. My brother in law's wife is unable to work due to reasons I won't go into but this I feel leads to not understanding our schedule and us being tired. With one person home you can see them in the morning before work, that person can do laundry

Or little things around the house. That person is also not dealing with any time constraints. We both are waking up extremely early, commuting, very stressful jobs, trying to be healthy and go to the gym after work despite being exhausted and then doing meal prep and laundry on weekends. It basically leaves us one free day on Saturday to wake up and not feel exhausted and either do things we need to do like errands, see my family, his family or do something for ourselves or just actually spend the day relaxing together and have our alone time. Even with birthdays it suddenly became a thing where we all need to get together..in my opinion it is not necessary to see my on me birthday. I am close to my brother but a card and phone call is more than suffice as he knows I am probably going out with my husband or possibly seeing my parents..now for each of our birthdays suddenly that is an extra day to come over and get together whether it's the day of or the following weekend. I can't handle this much neediness and simply don't have the time. I stay out of it because I don't want to cause and issues but it has led to a point where I don't like going there anymore and don't enjoy it. My husband going without me is not the answer as it leads

to us not being together after a long week and they will know something is up.

 

 

It started to become an issue and just tiring. I work in an office all week and never see the light of day..on the weekends I want us to have that alone time and go out and do things or just relax together..I need space after dealing with work all week..my husband and I sometimes don't even get to talk until the work day is over and then we are exhausted..I don't want us to run to his brother's every other weekend and spend pretty much the whole afternoon and evening and then it's rushing on Sunday with our choirs. He started feeling the same and realized it was becoming too much. We need this time especially considering we don't have kids and we just got married..we need space. I know when his brother is going to call like clock work and it will never be to check in or have a conversation. He wants to know if we are coming over yet again..his friends are starting to have kids and it is like we are filling the void which we can't do.

 

Every weekend I feel like there is going to be an issue because it's like a guilt

trip placed on my husband..If we go a month without seeing them and then when we do see them they say it's been so long..I honestly

Can't wrap my head around that because how much time together are you expecting? Parents is one thing but siblings who are married and healthy? In my opinion he had years and years to spend time with my husband before I came along but they had separate friends. We need our time without giving explanations every other weekend. One of my biggest pet peeves is when when we were seeing then consistently every

Other weekend they would ask the same question as to

How this person is doing or this person? How much are we supposed to rush around and be mr and mrs social if we are here constantly and also have other things going on in our lives..

 

does anyone else agree and understand? Feeling frustrated.

Edited September 9, 2016 by jmmm

[CarrieT]

Seems like you are his only friend. And some families are like that.

 

If your husband agrees, I would suggest the taper-off method; go every other week, and then every three weeks, and then once a month.

 

If/When he complains, just explain other commitments you have and try to get your husband on board with the idea that you need to establish separate time.