Djinny Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I have nobody to talk this with. So here it goes: mother and father divorced when I was still a baby, I never met my father. He went on and had another family, more specifically, he had a boy and he's still with his mother. All while I grew up with very toxic grandparents (esp. e VERY narcissistic grandmother) from my mother's side who hated me for being a burden and my father's daughter (apparently, I look and act a lot like him), and , among other "wonderful" toxic things,they also instilled in me a hate for my father and for my father's side of the family. When i grew up a little, in my teens, I talked on the phone a few times with my father. He refused to meet me. We talked a few times. For some reason, everything I spoke to him go ears of mom's side of the family. So I stopped any conversation. Even than, I was disgusted by that "circuit" of gossip even over a 400km distance... So... some many years later, here I am, I found my brother's profile on facebook. He's grown up now, an adult. I would like to know things about my father's family, but without creating gossip waves... I think this brother of mine would be a good way to do that. I'd like to know how my father is as a father. I look at brother's facebook profile and ...compared to me, he is like a typical psychological golden child. Smarter and more educated than me, good looking, and had the best of the worlds, I mean... he got a full family and better financial situation. I would like to know him and find out more about my other family, but I feel so humiliated by this situation... what am I goint to say to him? "Hi, I'm the unwanted child, nice to meet you, wanted one." I'm so lame. A mediocre, bipolar girl, with daddy issues... The comparison makes me feel so worthless, I wanna dig a hole in the ground and hide. Just looking at his photos makes me cry cause he had all I never had. In my mind, I actually feel it's really "all I never deserved"... it's like he's the prince, and I'm the beggar who looks thru the fence. And even if I would, by some miracle, find courage to contact him, I don't think he'll want to talk to me or meet me sometimes. My father didn't wanna meet me... why would he? he must be thinking I'm not worth knowing too. What should I do? Please... any thoughts or advices will be appreciated. I have nobody to talk this with... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 Welcome to LS! That is certainly a desire to make peace with a man who helped in giving you life! Glad you are an adult and able to be more objective instead of concluding that what you were fed by your upbringing is true. It's more likely untrue. So keep an open mind and good luck in learning about your heritage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) I got together with a long-lost brother ... tips ... you assume he is a snob when you have not even spoken to him! you sound resentful which you must snap out of, better to be friendly and mildly curious, suggesting a meeting when you both have time, both, or just have a facebook convo you may be worlds apart- did you hope for a one-off get-together? he might like having a sister, but take it slowly, he might need somebody to trust (family at its best) or he might be awful to talk to, sorry, but it is possible, whatever way, one thing stands - the less intense you are the better for you are both strangers at this point, no telling him you are bi-polar, nobody has to know that, risky to divulge, tbh, and we do not know if he made himself what he is minus dad, so... Edited August 12, 2016 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I met my biological father when I was 30 and shortly after I met one of my brothers and one of my sisters. I had another brother and sister on his side that had no interest in meeting me and still don't do this day. I hold no judgement against them for that. I know why they don't want to meet me and I understand. How old are you? I think it would be good for you to meet your brother but I'm not sure you're ready. When you meet family it should be with an open heart and thankfulness at gaining a new family member. It shouldn't be all weighted down with the pain of the past. If you are going to meet him then you have to be able to leave your jealousy, resentment and low self esteem at the door. Also you need to let go of your judgments about your brother. You don't know him or your father yet you imagine he had this lovely perfect childhood. Just because he had your father doesn't mean there was no dysfunction in his house, doesn't mean he hasn't hurt or faced obstacles. You cannot meet him until you are ready to give him a fair chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Djinny Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) I'm 29 yo. Yes, I am jealous, I think. I'd like to ask my brother silly things like... if he had a bike or new clothes (I only had clothes from second hand clothes stores all my childhood, and I never had any party clothes) , or if he was taught to read and count before he entered first grade, or if he had roller skates and ice skates. I never had any of that, and thru all my childhood nobody was there for me, my mother was shy/soft as a ghost. I got very agressive that way, I still have this defensive thing about myself. I'm pretty feisty and deffensive. The bi-polar and the daddy issues "niceties" are a scary can of worms, and I sure don't ever plan on mentioning anything about that to my father's side of family. I try this futile exercise of imagining how my life could have been with my father in it... But than I think... I couldn't ever even leave my dog, I'd live on the streets with him if there was nowere else, but I'd still never leave him. And he's a dog, not my child, my own flesh and blood. Yet my father did that. He left me when I was a "puppy" even. How can one do that? Long story short, I'm not sure that my father, having the character he has, and "abandoneur", he would have been a good influence in my life. Maybe if he went on without having another family I would of just accepted it- he doesn't have it in him to be a father. But it seems he does have it, cause he went on straight into another marriage and had a child pretty fast. This makes me think something was wrong with me, honestly. What was it? ... He just saw me as a baby, and than left me, never wanting to see me again, even given the ocasion. And I think I could find out more by asking my brother a million questions about his relation with father. But this could come off as a psychotic behaviour. More thoughts?... Edited August 15, 2016 by Djinny Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 I think your thoughts and feelings regarding your father are perfectly normal and understandable. I think your reasons for wanting to meet your brother and all the questions you want to bombard him with are not so good. If you seek out this brother it should only be because you want to know him. Of course it's natural to be curious about his family and background but it seems like your sole purpose in meeting him is just to get information about your father from him. I don't think that is fair to him. How will it help you if you find out he did get new clothes and had a bike? Only ask your brother to meet you when you really want to meet him and get to know him. If it's your father you want to know then approach your father, not your brother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JanenotPlain Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I'm so sorry for your situation. First consider that life isn't as perfect as it looks on Facebook. The type of man who'd abandon his child is not a picture perfect father....so things may not have been so great for your brother anyway. My best friend grew up without a dad and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, she's actually better off in many ways than I am, since my father is a complete sociopath. That said you can make the best of this situation. Maybe you'll benefit from having a relationship with your brother. You can't blame him for what your dad did. And also you only know one side of the story of what went down between your mom and dad. Don't assume she's completely innocent of all blame either. Maybe she drove him away. I think you're right to want answers, I would too. But try to go into it with an open mind and heart. Try to find forgiveness first. You'll be happier in the long run if you can forgive them. Sure you need to heal that pain first. That will take some time. Link to post Share on other sites
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