Dad's addiction has ruined my last 10 years.

[jsmith92]

Hi all, will try to keep it short.

 

My parents were together for 16 years before they divorced 10 years ago. I was 16 at the time & am the eldest of 4 kids. The divorce was horrible, a few months after the divorce my mum took my dad to court accusing him of assault. I had to be a witness and support my dad, I had just turned 17 and wasn't really sure at the time how serious it was.

 

My dad won the case and life went on but it wasn't going to be normal again for us. Myself and brother went to live with my dad while my mum took my two younger siblings. 18 months later my dad turned to me and my brother and said we had to move out as he couldn't afford the rent. My dad went to live with my grandparents while me and my brother moved in with my mum.

 

For the last 8 years, my dad hasn't been close to any of us, we see him 3 or 4 times a year and he just doesn't seem bothered. 6 years ago he asked me for the first time to lend him some money, it got to the stage one time where he owed me £3000, it is currently £1200 he owes me and he hasn't paid me anything back for over a year. Along with this, 4 years ago he pretty much forced me to take out a £9000 loan for him, he said he wanted to start a business with my uncle.

 

The loan has 6 months left, £250 comes out each month and the last 4 months I have had to pay. I have been unemployed the last 4 months and this loan has been putting stress on me, it isn't mine and I am constantly covering for it with dad giving me endless excuses of when he will pay me the money.

 

I received a call an hour ago from my dad, he has admitted to me he has had a gambling problem for the last 10 years since the divorce. He has spent tens of thousands of pounds and has even taken money from behind my grandparents back. It came out today and all my family are really upset and angry with him. I knew he had a problem but nothing to this extent.

 

I am 25 and I have never had the support of either of my parents. I have never been asked what career I want to go into and for this reason I have worked odd jobs with no potential, just getting by with no real urgency in life. I feel I am a lot better then what I am currently doing, I just have never been helped or pushed or guided by my parents.

 

I feel let down, upset and angry by what my dad has done. In the 10 years since the divorce he hasn't done anything for me and has almost become a stranger. I have had to pay for everything myself, driving lessons, holidays, college courses along with lending him thousands of pounds, it should be the other way round but I have never had any help.

 

I feel that this addiction of my dad's is a big reason as to why I am 25 and feel lost. He has never been there for me and he admitted it today and told me he was sorry. My mum hasn't helped much either but she has looked after us for the last 8 years a lot more then my dad has so can't blame her.

 

I just feel a bit lost and hearing about this addiction of my dads today I don't know how things are going to get any better for him.

 

Any views or thoughts would be great, just trying to understand all this and why I am in the position I am in today.

[AMJ]

I am so sorry to hear your story. I think anyone would feel angry, lost, and disappointed given what you've been through. There's no excuse for your dad's behavior. It's pathetic that he came to you for money, knowing that you'd have a very difficult time saying no to your own father. I think you should stop being concerned about him getting better, and focus your energy on yourself. You really don't have much help so you don't have energy to waste on someone who is only causing you pain and holding you back in life.

 

Stop lending him money. Find a way to go to school, get the training you need to get the job and life that will make you happy. Good luck.

[jsmith92]

I feel that is what it is, I feel like i have been held back. Turned 25 last month and the last 5 years I have felt lost and not really thought about the future and i have just never had any help. I know i could have kicked myself up the ass but I feel that having neither parent help me or seem bothered is why i am in this position today, feel confused as to what path to go down.

 

I wish I went to university, i mean i could still go but 25 is quite late now and i want to be earning money not spending the next three or four years in education this is what i feel i should have done three years ago but was never motivated and neither parent were then when i needed them.

 

Spoke to my dad today and he is not sure what is going to happen, my two uncles are really upset and angry with him and are considering to get police involved for fraud. It turns out my dad has lost around £80,000 in the last 10 years through this addiction, and considering he has never helped me out this is what I find annoying, i have struggled on basics and covering him the last few years only to find out he has this addiction.

 

Im glad its all out now, me and my brothers knew he was in trouble but not to this extent, i just want to get the money owed to me and start fresh and have nothing to do with his problems anymore, me looking out for him i feel has really held me back.

[Tayla]

please clarify the "nevers".

 

Seems you were fed and housed during your early years by some adults, your parents perhaps?

 

Who Evers name is on the loan is accountable for its payback. did you co-sign or are you the original signor?

 

Maybe at 25, you are seeing the flaws of humans.. And it's not pretty.

 

Get an objective third party to sit down with your father and you. Discuss how the financial can be remedied .As for his fatherly duties, he will need to step it up and be a positive role model. that's quite a goal for him to attain.

 

Sorry that you and your family has been challenged with circumstances that could have been managed more kindly.

[jsmith92]

He has just left me in the ****, he virtually forced me to take the loan out for him 4 years ago because of the situation he got himself in. Instead of him being there for me the last 5-10 years i have been there for him covering him

And it has held me back big time.

 

Now that his problem is out i just want the money he owes me and i can start concentrating on myself and my future, i havent been able to do that up till now constantly looking out for and covering him.

[jofor]

So sorry, life was never meant to be like this. I think its great how well your doing though. I know that you have been dealt some bad cards but it sounds like you have some good ones too. Try to focus on those, work on the things you can control. Your Dad is an adult who has made some choices that have hurt you and probably a few others. He is an adult though, you can talk to him, pray for him, and do some things for him but ultimately these are his decisions.

In regards to gambling and other addictions There are plenty of good websites that offer some guidance and advice. Some are bad some are good.

 

Anyway this might help you better understand what he is struggling with. Again though, its wonderful to help and its good for us to help others. Sometimes we need to step back and let people live with their decisions. Rescuing isn't always the loving thing to do.

[bathtub-row]

Ok here are my thoughts on this. No one can force you to get s loan. No doubt you felt coerced and guilty but that's much different than being forced. Write it off as a big lesson learned. As far as getting your money back from your self-centered dad -- good luck with that.

 

So here's the good news. From where I'm standing, you seem like a very capable and mature person. You have managed to come up with ways to get your dad out of his jams. So why don't you get resourceful like that for yourself? And btw you are FAR from too old to be going to college. In 10 or 20 years, how do you think you'll see this when you're sitting in your office looking at your diploma and being well into your career by then? Will you think, "Gee, what a waste of time and money that was," or will you say something like, "Dang! I am so happy that I didn't let a few little years of being late going to college stand in my way!"

 

While it is sad that you've had little support from your parents, I would advise you to get off that wagon. There are a LOT of successful people who had alcoholic parents, no parents, abusive parents, etc. Don't ever forget that you are your own person and you have a tremendous amount of things going for you. You are not your parents and you are not your upbringing. Does it affect you? Yes. But it does not determine where your life goes.

 

So here's what I'd do if I were you. Finish paying off that loan. Tell your dad that you expect him to pay you back. Let him deal with how he does that. If he doesn't pay you back, let him live with that. It's his problem. Then get yourself enrolled in college. Talk to a counselor to decide how to pay for it and what degree you should go for. Pick something you will love, that will inspire you. And from this point forward, know that you are singularly successful, no one defines you, and no one ruins you unless you let them.

Edited April 20, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Gemma1]

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think you are shifting blame onto your parents for your lack of motivation to do anything with your life. I just don't see how it's possible for someone that you admittedly only see a few times per year can actually have ruined the last 10 years of your life.

 

My parents are alcoholics and by the sound of it, they are worse than your parents. I'm not trying to turn it into a "whose life is worse" competition, I'm just saying that I know what it's like to have alcoholic parents and how much damage it can do to a person. That being said, your parents divorced when you were 16. Your dad housed you for another 18 months after that. You were basically an adult. Plenty of people have been through much worse than this. In the grand scheme of "BS that children of alcoholic parents have to deal with" you got very, very lucky.

 

The money issues with your dad do suck, but you need to chalk that up as a lesson learned and be happy it wasn't much worse. The loan is almost paid off. Finish paying it and don't lend him anymore money.

 

You are 25 years old. Your parents aren't holding you back. My parents not only didn't help me with college, they actually took steps to really hurt my chances of finishing college. I worked my butt off, often having multiple jobs plus volunteer work in my field, and finished college anyway. It took 6 years but it was worth it. Plenty of people from backgrounds like ours take even longer, or go back even older.

 

You really need to shake yourself up and figure out what your problem really is. It's not your dad. I hope this didn't come across too harshly. I really do understand how your parents can psychologically affect you in ways you never thought possible. But at this point in your life, they only have the power that you let them have. You've gotta start helping yourself.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Gemma1

[mightycpa]

Now that his problem is out i just want the money he owes me and i can start concentrating on myself and my future, i havent been able to do that up till now constantly looking out for and covering him.

Suck it up and pay off the loan as it comes due. If you get the money, fine. If not, then **** it.

 

Start concentrating on yourself and your future right now. Don't wait for him to pay you the money, or to offer to pay you the money or any of that ****. Don't take out a loan for him again. If he needs something, and you feel obligated, offer him his next meal. That's it.

 

You got dealt a bad hand. OK, so now what? You're 25 now, and it is time to create your own confidence, to make your own way, and to set your own expectations and boundaries. You answer to you now, and nobody else.

 

You'll have some trouble with it, because you've not been trained and it is completely unfamiliar territory. That's exactly why you need to start right now. Make your mistakes. Own them. Get better at it. You'll be a champ at this whole "self-determination" thing in no time.

 

Dispense with the self pity, you've no time for that.

 

OK, time to get crackin'.

 

Good luck.

[jsmith92]

Its not too harsh gemma1 i get what you mean. Its not all my dads fault i take part the blame I have just realised I am the way I am because of him though. I feel like he is so laid back with everything and it has rubbed off on me. For the last 5-10 years he hasnt bothered with any of us and has always looked to me to cover him, I have never had anyone help me or seem bothered in my future and i just feel that should just be the norm for parents to be concerned about their children and they just havent been.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now and she is helping me realise how I should be, i have been so laid back for the last 5 years and i now want to focus on myself and start getting somewhere.

 

I will think about going back into education, i will think hard about what i want to go into. My dad wont be able to pay me back the money but now its out I feel my family will help me as they all understand what I have had to put up with him for the last 5 years.

[d0nnivain]

Assume you are never going to get the money. Emotionally let it go. The resentment is killing you.

 

 

I know there are support groups for family member of alcoholics to help them cope. Find out if there are ones for Gamblers. They will probably have insights for you. If not, at least go to an Al-Anon meeting & in your head substitute the word gambling every time they mention booze of any sort.

[jsmith92]

I know I shouldnt have got a loan out for him, but when your own father is asking to borrow a few thousand of your own money and then ask me to get him a £9000 loan, i did say it was too much and tried to say no but he just wouldnt have it.

 

I have nothing because of this, the most i had at one point in my account was £4000 and after using that for driving lessons, a holiday and my college course fee i had nothing less once i lent him the money and ever since i have struggled to save, every time i had some money he would hound me for £100 here and there. I just thought he was struggling i didnt think he had a gambling addiction to this extent.

 

Luckily my girlfriend is being really supportive, she understands the position my dad has put me in and is helping me at the moment while i have nothing, but i will make it up to her once i am sorted, she says she doesnt expect me to but i want to and she deserves it.

 

Going to find out now what is happening in terms of the money my dad took from my family, apparently there is a way we could get some of it back but it means my dad facing punishment, i obviously love him and care about him but its his own doing.

[Emilia]

It was a tough decision to make at 21, I know how your parents can make you feel guilty and coerce when everyone else would tell you it was stupid.

 

Hopefully you will never make that mistake again. My mother tried to trick me into guaranteeing her mortgage assuming I wouldn't even think about refusing but I put my foot down and it was the beginning of me accepting certain things about her and taking certain steps to avoid problems like this.

 

You are only 25, you had a big lesson about whom you can or can't trust but you are very young and you will recover.

[jsmith92]

I have realised a lot from finding out this problem from my dad. I got some advice online and they have sorted me out some online counselling sessions for the next month to try and understand how I am feeling and how it has effected me over the years.

 

I last spoke to my dad yesterday and It turns out my family are trying to get back the money he stole from my grandparents, which I have found out to be around £40,000 which I am really shocked and annoyed at, he has wasted around £100,000 on this problem over the years and I have received no support because of this, just aggravation and him slowing me down.

 

It is likely my dad is going to have to go to prison, he has researched it and he expects he will have to do between 12 and 18 months. The thing is I do not even feel worried for him or sorry as he has not been there for us in the last 8 years anyway and I feel I have looked out for him so much that I have forgot to focus on myself and have some catching up to do.