Issues with living with my sister

[Iceshowers]

My sister and I are 4 years apart and have had a close relationship growing up, grew apart during the late teens/early twenties, then grew sorta close again in the past 1.5 years. I had recently left my baby's dad and bought a house, which my sister and I discussed moving in together and splitting the utilities in half. She makes way less than me, but barely has any other expenses, besides basic things (car insurance, cell, gas and food). We are both single mothers, and my expenses exceeds hers, but I also do make more money.

 

While we were moving in, we were both single. I found a guy and decided to be in a relationship with him. I wasn't actively looking, it just happened. Since then, she has complained that she barely sees me, that I don't spend time with her, that she has to plan things in advance with me because all I do is spend it with boyfriend. Boyfriend, of a few months, stays with me overnight only every other weekend and maybe one day a week because him and I both have a kid and we don't want to sleepover when it's our days with our own kids.

 

My sister has recently complained that he is always around, that he has a key, that he parks on "her spot" and that he walks around without a shirt and that it's too much for her. He has a key to the house, but does not go in my house unless I ask him to (a favor or to fix something) or if I'm already there (and he asks me beforehand). He does not park on her spot (it happened once in the beginning and he hasn't ever since after it was brought up to his attention). He walks without a shirt in my 2nd level of the house (my room and my child's are upstairs, while sister is downstairs). She got a glimpse of him while he was going to the upstairs bathroom which overlooks the stairs, that she just happened to walk by.

 

Since I know she is going through baby daddy issues and not getting financial help from her baby's dad, I haven't even brought it up to her that utilities have increase (not because of BF, it was before he was even sleeping over) and I do her laundry, cook and buy food (which she helps herself) and clean the house more often then she does. I do it, not because I have to, but because I don't mind it. I do it because I'm doing her a favor and to make up for the fact that he's around.

 

We think she's acting up against him because she's miserable (baby daddy doesn't help her much at all, and she feels stuck in a dead end job), and that she doesn't have friends. She is the youngest out of the girl siblings, so she has big time entitlement issues and is VERY passive aggressive. For example, I told her to explain exactly what is her issue with my bf, since I explained all her concerns and how they aren't how they seem, and she just said do whatever I want. Then I reminded her that I'm helping her alot in other ways and she's benefiting, and she says to stop doing her "favors" so I don't throw it in her face (which I never have! I never even told her what I do for her that she is taking advantage of). Then even offered to spend time this weekend us 2, and she has ignored me.

 

I just don't know what to do. She has made it frustrating for me, since she feels entitled to do whatever she feels like it and wants to bite the hand the feeds her, and bf is now uncomfortable where he doesn't want to be in my house when she's here, so we can't even chill at my own home most weekends, and she is ignoring me because I addressed her concerns in the most respectful way, yet she didn't like it.

[Survivor12]

My advice is to make time to sit down together and discuss the problems. Based on what you've told us, neither of you are acknowledging and respecting the other nor are you addressing the reasons behind your dissatisfaction.

 

For example, you said that you don't throw how much you do for her in her face--while you were doing just that! You were too focused on denying what she was saying rather than on finding out why she feels like you do. If, instead of rejecting the accusation, you had asked why she feels that way--and listened--you may have found that there is some basis for what she was saying.

 

As for your bf parking in her space, you said that it only happened once & it hasn't been spoken of since. So why are you holding on to an issue that has been resolved?

 

Please understand that I am not necessarily siding with your sister, but I do think that you are so convinced that you are completely in the right, you aren't considering that she may have some valid points. If you want things to improve, listening to her and being willing to compromise will help tremendously.

 

I also suggest that you perhaps are treating your sister like a third wheel to you and your bf. When you talk to her, it should be about the bond between you and your sister--not you & your bf against her. Months or years from now you may have another bf, but she will always be your sister so having an allegiance with her is no small thing.

 

Good luck.

[Iceshowers]

Sorry for the misunderstanding, she was the one who brought up the parking issue that has been dealt with a while ago, and it hasn't occured since.

[angel.eyes]

Who owns the house? Time for the other person to move out while the relationship still works and you're on decent terms.

 

Drag things out and the other person will still move out, but the relationship will also have been damaged.

[Iceshowers]

Forgot to add, that I even told her to lets come to a middle point so we are not both miserable, and that's when she said to do whatever I want. She doesn't want to try, she just expects people or things to change on her behalf. No one in the family confronts her and doesn't deal with her, and I am trying to be nice and even come to an agreement.

 

It may seem that we are against her, but we're not. She just doesn't like it that I have a bf, and she's stuck home. She also doesn't even invite me to her outings, but wants to complain I don't spend time with her. My time is limited as I work more hrs than her, go to school full time, and have a kid, but when I tell her when I'm available, she doesn't want to do something. I'm supposed to cater to her schedule, which isn't gonna happen, and she expects it.

 

I'm not saying her feelings are not valid, but she backed me into a corner of not wanting to be at my own home cuz she is now ignoring me UNLESS she needs something and has some nasty feelings against bf, which I may add fixes her car when she needs it!

[Iceshowers]

Who owns the house? Time for the other person to move out while the relationship still works and you're on decent terms.

 

Drag things out and the other person will still move out, but the relationship will also have been damaged.

 

I own the home. She rents very cheaply, if I may add, since she's not financially stable. I let her have 2 bedrooms and a bathroom on her own and even have parking space in the driveway. She's my sister so I don't throw that at her, but I'm trying hard to be helpful. I can financially do itnon my own, if that's a question in mind.

[Iceshowers]

I'm not saying at all I want her out. I just dont know how to deal with it, as to not get her all pissed at me because I wont tell bf to never be around because she expects to act like its her house only. Thats how I see it. I live there too (I haven't even told her that "its my house" to her, because she does live there too).

 

Bf and I even offer to bring her with us when we go to a club or something, but she doesn't want to either.

[angel.eyes]

Thanks for clarifying that you can afford the house without her "rent" payments.

 

I fully understand that you don't want her out now. What I'm saying is, it will be inevitable. The question is whether you make the transition while still on friendly terms or you wait until living with each other becomes untenable and the relationship has been destroyed.

 

Right now, you're bending over backwards to accommodate someone who, let's be frank, is getting a far better deal then any tenant would ever get--free laundry services, below market rent with no yearly increases, etc. She's your sister so you're trying to be as helpful as possible.

 

But that's also the basic issue here. The petty arguments are symptomatic of a bigger problem--she's entitled and she's very resentful that your life is on an upswing while she feels like she's at a dead end (poorly paying job with no future, difficult relationship with her baby daddy, no boyfriend, etc.). As long as you have a house you can afford on your own, a helpful, loving boyfriend, and just seem to be in a "better"position than she is, there will be issues given her particular makeup and personality. You can try to be the best house mate, etc., but because that's festering under the surface, she still always pick arguments and start fights over anything.

 

Stick it out, and things will devolve to the point that you lose the relationship. Hence my original response in this thread.

[Survivor12]

Thanks for the clarification. Unfortunately, if she is unwilling to discuss her issues and work with you to reach a compromise, your only options are to do what works for you and accept getting the cold shoulder or follow angel.eyes' advice and at least start considering asking her to get her own place.

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised if she eventually makes that choice on her own.

[Iceshowers]

Thanks for the input. I don't want to be out of line with my own sister, or do something that would hurt our future relationship, but I grew up with this girl, so I knew what she was about.. wasn't thinking it would be this bad now that she's supposed to be more mature.

 

I actually spoke to my mom and told her what's going on. She said my sister did tell her some things, and I told my mom some things, and my mom was furious because she knows how my sister gets. My sister used to live with mom and she would tell my mom that she doesn't spend time with her and leaves her alone. I mean my mom works 2 jobs and has house duties that my sister didn't help with, of course she was a bit busy. I think my sister has unhealthy lonely issues that we don't know how to tell her to she needs help with dealing with.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you gotta have the conversation with your sister that makes her realize this is HER problem, not yours. However you want to phrase it, but your main points being:

 

- As a renter you have your rights to privacy, comfort, etc., but as long as I'm not violating those rights, I have the freedom to do whatever I want in the house that I OWN, and that includes allowing my BF to feel comfortable and welcome here.

 

- If you aren't happy with this living arrangement, nothing is stopping you from seeking a new one. I'm not asking you to leave and I don't want you to leave, but I also don't want you to remain in an environment that's not good for you.

 

- I don't want these small conflicts to build up to harm our relationship as sisters, so we have to consider this as a temporary arrangement, and you have to be thinking out to the future about where you're headed next. I'm not talking a few weeks from now or a few months from now, but we both know this situation isn't going to last forever.

[amaysngrace]

Does you BF know somebody he can hook her up with? She's probably sexually frustrated seeing your man walking around without a shirt on and can probably use a little lovin herself.

[SpiralOut]

Since it's your house, you do have the right to make the rules. It sounds like you are being more than fair to her. But you should still acknowledge her feelings and try to understand where she is coming from. Right now you are just giving her excuses and shrugging off her concerns, which is probably making her feel like you don't care about her feelings. It doesn't matter if you think she is acting jealous or ungrateful; she won't calm down unless she feels like you care about her.

 

I think you should stop doing her laundry and stop cooking for her. She might have entitlement issues, but you're enabling her when you do that for her. I know that you see that as a way of "making up" for whatever your bf does, but a compromise is something that two people decide together. You two didn't decide together that it was okay for you to do x so long as you do y to make up for it. She even told you that she didn't ask you to do favours for her. She has a point when she says that you're holding it over her head.

 

Listen to her, show that you understand where she is coming from, try to come up with solutions together. Also make sure to assert certain rules (eg your bf can be shirtless when he is upstairs, not downstairs. You don't want to hear any complaints unless he is physically downstairs with his shirt off). Ask her how much time she wants to spend with you... see if you can schedule a weekly or twice monthly girls night, if that helps.

[Iceshowers]

Does you BF know somebody he can hook her up with? She's probably sexually frustrated seeing your man walking around without a shirt on and can probably use a little lovin herself.

 

We actually tried that. We told her to come with us to go clubbing, but she didn't want to go without a girlfriend. I told her to go out and have fun with a guy, but she keeps saying she isn't ready. I've tried many times, so has my mom, she just won't budget. Either she isn't ready due to her toddler, or she's still hung up on her baby's dad.

[Iceshowers]

Since it's your house, you do have the right to make the rules. It sounds like you are being more than fair to her. But you should still acknowledge her feelings and try to understand where she is coming from. Right now you are just giving her excuses and shrugging off her concerns, which is probably making her feel like you don't care about her feelings. It doesn't matter if you think she is acting jealous or ungrateful; she won't calm down unless she feels like you care about her.

 

I think you should stop doing her laundry and stop cooking for her. She might have entitlement issues, but you're enabling her when you do that for her. I know that you see that as a way of "making up" for whatever your bf does, but a compromise is something that two people decide together. You two didn't decide together that it was okay for you to do x so long as you do y to make up for it. She even told you that she didn't ask you to do favours for her. She has a point when she says that you're holding it over her head.

 

Listen to her, show that you understand where she is coming from, try to come up with solutions together. Also make sure to assert certain rules (eg your bf can be shirtless when he is upstairs, not downstairs. You don't want to hear any complaints unless he is physically downstairs with his shirt off). Ask her how much time she wants to spend with you... see if you can schedule a weekly or twice monthly girls night, if that helps.

 

It kinda got ugly after this post. My boyfriend has cut down on staying around, especially when she's home, due to her being like this towards him, and she still is acting the same even though she barely sees him now. He actually does not even walk around shirtless, unless upstairs (which is all my area), and even then, this guy doesn't walk shirtless around me most times. She honestly just saw him while she passed by the stairs where he happened to walk to the upstairs bathroom that overlooks the stairs. It was all bad timing, and she used that one incident as a daily thing. It sounds as if I'm not honoring her feelings and opinion, but it has become where she's taking a one time incident (the shirtless, the parking) and blowing it up. It hasn't happened ever again, and he doesn't even go to my house unless I'm home, even if he has a key.

 

Since that little fight, I stopped doing her laundry, cooking for her, etc. I told her the rent will go up because I won't be paying for her utilities by doing her a favor financially (it originally was an agreement when we moved in to split it evenly, but I had let it slide since her baby daddy doesn't financially help her and I've been picking up the increase). She has made our relationship and living arrangement awkward when we do see each other. She has ignored every single one of my texts/attempts to talk to her about going to the beach, girl's night, but I'm the one being inconsiderate? Nah, since this post, I've learned that I'm not in the wrong at all because I've attempted to talk to her and she is holding this nonsense grudge against me.

[Emilia]

Any update OP?