Lady who's been talking to my dad since my mom died

[Marks]

I wasn’t sure where to post this, so here I am.

 

I’m 28, and back in June 2015, my mom passed away from metastatic breast cancer. Although she had been battling the cancer for two years at that point, she seemed to be doing okay for most of that time and it didn’t appear that the cancer was getting worse. Then within the span of a month things tumbled out of control and she died. Her death was unexpected and not something that either my dad nor I were able to prepare for.

 

My problem is this. Shortly after my mom passed away, one of her female cousins that neither of my parents (nor I) had talked to or seen in yeeeaaars, started talking to my dad. Both phone calls and texts. At first I thought she was just trying to send her condolences and provide my dad some support, but this has now been going on ever since, for all of the eight months since my mom died. Not once in that time has she ever reached out to me personally to see how I was doing or anything.

 

I started getting suspicious of this lady because she seemed to appear out of the blue. Like I said, my parents weren’t in contact with her, and certainly not my mom…I haven’t even met her myself. Now she texts my dad on a daily basis, and calls once in a while. Not once has she tried talking to me.

 

I told my dad my concerns, and the fact that I already didn’t like this lady because of her appearing out of nowhere once my mom died. To me it seems like she’s trying to work my dad into getting with her, and I think it’s been working. Over Thanksgiving my dad was very inquisitive about her with the rest of my family. Asking my aunts who know her all kinds of questions about her. He’s also said things in passing like “we should invite her to come here” (I’ve been living with my dad since my mom passed), and “who’s going to cook and clean for us?” More recently, he even said that my mom told him she wanted him to live with this lady once she died, which I know in my heart of hearts that she never did and would not have said. Why would my mom say such a thing if she hadn't talked to or seen her cousin in many many years? She wouldn't even have known whether her cousin would take good care of my dad. And for that matter, my mom wasn’t even planning on dying yet, and didn't have any "dying wishes". It sounds more like a way for my dad to try to and convince me that he should be with this lady. And all of this is really troubling me because of how this lady has approached her contact with my dad and I (my dad’s also been kind of secretive about his contact with her), and also because of things I’ve learned about her.

 

Some background on her: she’s divorced, pretty broke to the point where she doesn’t have money for gas and yet she doesn’t want to work for some reason that neither her nor anyone in our family can explain, and I’ve also come to find out that she was barred from seeing her children unsupervised because she was argumentative and abusive to both her children and her ex husband. For that matter, apparently the children don’t even want to talk to her… that’s how bad it is. And who know what else is going on with her.

 

Now after eight months of no contact with me, out of the blue she texts me and asks me when she can call to talk to me. She says she’s been “remiss” and wants to correct that. I’m guessing my dad told her that I was upset that she has yet to contact me after my mom died.

 

What should I do? I don’t really want to talk to her at this point, and I wouldn’t have anything good to say to her anyway. I understand that my dad is lonely without my mom, and I know I can’t stop him from trying to find a new woman in his life (as much as this is a difficult concept for me to even grasp or imagine—all of my life all I’ve known is my mom and dad together), but I also think this lady is completely wrong for him. I know she’s trying to put on the charm offensive on both my dad and I, but I honestly think she’s a deadbeat who eventually will treat my dad poorly, and I don’t want her making her way into my family. This is really upsetting me and stressing me out, and I don't know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

If she is bringing happiness into your father's life & not bilking him, let your heartbroken dad be happy.

 

If you think she is swindling your dad, get the police involved.

 

if you don't want to talk to her, don't.

[UpwardForward]

I am in agreement that you do not have to talk to her.

 

 

Sorry to say, this (IMO) is common.

 

 

So-called 'lonely' widowers in the first stages of grief - and women opportunists taking advantage - or moving in.

 

 

If your father gets together with her, she will probably eventually push for marriage. Even a 'pre-nuptial' does not slow them down, as the agreement can be changed/modified, even after marriage.

 

 

It would seem all you can do, is to tell your father you do not agree.

 

 

If he follows 'the pattern', he will do what he wishes - and then keep making excuses for the rest of his life.

 

 

I wish you the Best. Good Luck.

[RRM321]

You need the help and support of your extended family. I think you're correct about this woman but, your dad views himself as the one lost at sea, when in reality he's the life raft and this woman is determined to climb aboard.

 

His alarm bells aren't working. Whatever mix of grief, fear, depression, and personality he is experiencing may be getting in the way of his better instincts.

 

You're going to have a hard time alone changing his perspective, and you can't afford to let a rift develop between the two of you. Isolation is key weapon in charm offensives, so circle some wagons and ask for help. This woman has probably realized you are an obstacle hence, she is now seeking you out.

 

Has your dad been getting any kind of counseling? Would he join you in counseling for your dual benefit? Can you get family and friends more engaged with him? I think the more opportunity he has to talk - the more he will talk himself into a realistic perspective.

[amaysngrace]

What did your dad say when you told him this woman never even reached out to you in your grief? Did he side with you or her?

[MissCongeniality]

If she is bringing happiness into your father's life & not bilking him, let your heartbroken dad be happy.

 

If you think she is swindling your dad, get the police involved.

 

if you don't want to talk to her, don't.

This, sometimes we find people who we wouldn't expect. If she's playing your dad I suggest letting him figure that out for himself. Though I recommend dropping subtle hints about how you feel. See if the woman gets a job of her own at some point or offer to help her find one her reaction will be very telling.

[Tayla]

Take the opportunity to speak with this estranged relative. Trust your instincts.

 

I sense this lady is by no means above board. Most who comfort, respect the entire family.

 

Sorry about the maternal loss. Its with much sympathy that as her daughter, you are forever changed.

[RRM321]

It's true you may gain some insight and information from letting her speak with you. (Emphasis on letting her do the talking.) Let her lead the conversations and just listen carefully.