patriotsgirl Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I have been angry for days bc a relative invited their self, their significant other, and their three small children to my dinner. I planned dinner three weeks ago my mom is going to meet my bf for the first time. He wants to marry me so it is important they get some one on one time. The uninvited guest said she would stop in to say hello bc she wants to see what my bf looks like wtf. I was thinking ok she can say hello I will give her a pie and she can leave. Then she says I'm going to have dinner. I'm thinking I guess I can make room even though I don't want to. Then I say are you bringing your children she says yes and her bf too. I am beyond angry. My mother is hosting dinner I went through the trouble of buying new dinner wear and serve wear for her house so dinner would be nice. The dinner wear set is for four people and my mothers apt is small she can only really seat four people. I was so shocked I didn't think to tell her not to come. I was going to let her meet my bf one on one when I want to not when she says so. I like an idiot already purchased extra food for dinner. I spent money I had saved for other stuff. I want to kick myself. I told my mom my bf and I will come to her house and eat dinner then the uninvited family can come after we are done. Part of me is considering canceling dinner completely. Or just eating dinner with my mom and leaving before they arrive and I will also tell her I need three weeks notice before anyone can come to a holiday dinner. If I wanted them there I would have invited them I was going to invited them for Christmas but now it's not happening. What should I do? Cliffs A family of five invited themselves to a dinner planned for three I already purchased extra food stretching my budget I am beyond angry I am considering eating dinner with my mother (the host) and my bf then leaving before the arrive Or canceling dinner entirely My mother is cooking everything but I already paid for everything and took it to her house I want to decide when my bf meets certain members of my family it's not up to them *** I think she thinks it's ok bc she invited me to her house last yr although I declined also my family is very informal and they think it's ok to visit someone's house without warning but it's not on for me Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 My mother is hosting dinner I went through the trouble of buying new dinner wear and serve wear for her house so dinner would be nice. The dinner wear set is for four people and my mothers apt is small she can only really seat four people. If your mother is hosting, it sounds like it is her responsibility to set the boundaries, not you. Have a frank discussion with your mother about how to handle this and if she doesn't mind the extra guests, than you shouldn't either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 While I agree that your family member is . . . what's the right word? . . . pushy, try to rise above it. Be the better more gracious person. Thanksgiving is about family & the blessings money can't buy. It's not about the matching china or perfection If you are expecting to get married, this will be good practice for all the people who will pull $h1t like this or worse about the wedding. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author patriotsgirl Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 If your mother is hosting, it sounds like it is her responsibility to set the boundaries, not you. Have a frank discussion with your mother about how to handle this and if she doesn't mind the extra guests, than you shouldn't either. I feel it is my responsibility because I paid for EVERYTHING. I spent a couple hundred dollars to make this even happen for 3 people. Not many people have to buy dinner wear for their mother's house bc she is too poor to afford it. I planned dinner a month in advance. Also I wasted money the dinner wear I purchased is now useless because it only serves four. Also she told me she was coming she didn't even ask my mother if she could come. This is giving me a major headache. I wish we had gone to a restaurant instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author patriotsgirl Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 While I agree that your family member is . . . what's the right word? . . . pushy, try to rise above it. Be the better more gracious person. Thanksgiving is about family & the blessings money can't buy. It's not about the matching china or perfection If you are expecting to get married, this will be good practice for all the people who will pull $h1t like this or worse about the wedding. I'm eloping no one will be at my wedding. I understand thanksgiving isn't all about money but I don't like preparing for something and spending money on things like dinner wear I can't use bc I have people intruding. I don't like how people in my family expect if you have more money than them you must share it. I have bailed her out countless times and I do everything for my mother as well. I'm just sick of them. If I would have known this was happening I would have stayed at home or taken my mother to a restaurant. I would have actually saved money. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I get that. If you are really set on "nice" dinner wear, can you take the set you bought back for a refund, then spend probably 1/2 that amount at a thrift store / antiques store / ReStore / garage sale for service for 12? In every store like that where I go they have tons of dishware. I would never buy good china again retail. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 The more, the merrier. Seriously, Thanksgiving is about family and friends, not about serving ware or perfect meals. Send her a friendly text telling her to bring plates for herself and her guests, as you won't have enough. Ask her to bring a few chairs, too, and a folding table if she has it. She may decide that's too much bother and not come. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author patriotsgirl Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I've calmed down I'm not upset anymore I guess thanksgiving is all about family. I just don't like uncertainty or change. I would have had no issues if I knew ahead of time. Also my mother doesn't live near my bf it's not like she can see him any time. I want her to have one on one time with him before everyone arrives so we can discuss us getting married. The guest has unruly children when they visit my mother's attention goes towards making them behave and serving them. I do feel I should arrive early so we can talk to her in private. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I've calmed down I'm not upset anymore I guess thanksgiving is all about family. I just don't like uncertainty or change. I would have had no issues if I knew ahead of time. Also my mother doesn't live near my bf it's not like she can see him any time. I want her to have one on one time with him before everyone arrives so we can discuss us getting married. The guest has unruly children when they visit my mother's attention goes towards making them behave and serving them. I do feel I should arrive early so we can talk to her in private. Well done patriotsgirl ... I was just about to post and reiterate what others have said ... family first ... and some can be disrespectful as us older people have experienced - I'm sure your future fiance will also have some family members that don't exactly follow protocol ... but that's life. Be thankful your family wants to be part of your life and enjoy those kids. That's really nice all you've done to make the occasion special. Congrats on your upcoming engagement ... exciting times:) Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I've calmed down I'm not upset anymore I guess thanksgiving is all about family. I just don't like uncertainty or change. I would have had no issues if I knew ahead of time. Also my mother doesn't live near my bf it's not like she can see him any time. I want her to have one on one time with him before everyone arrives so we can discuss us getting married. The guest has unruly children when they visit my mother's attention goes towards making them behave and serving them. I do feel I should arrive early so we can talk to her in private. I completely understand having a plan, and freaking out when the plan gets turned upside down. Holidays are often disappointing because we set our expectations so high for them to be "perfect". Life is a good teacher. Roll with things as best you can, make the most of it, people over things, and most of all, be grateful for family--however annoying they are 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 People would kill for a situation like this. Your family members (in laws) want to meet other family members. I don't see how this is a problem. Just tell them "hey, there's not much room here. You may have to eat on the couch/sit on the floor" Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 OP, how did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
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