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Do we have a toxic relationship?


purplepanda

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I was adopted when I was 14, and I'd been with them since I was 12. I love them and I want to make them proud and to have a good relationship with them.

 

But most of the time the feelings that stir within me are hatred because of the way they make me feel. I've been debating for quite a while now about whether I should get advice on this or not. I spotted an article about the toxicity of a relationship with parents. My adopted parents (I do NOT call them mom and dad) make digs at me, they don't respect my boundaries, they sometimes treat me as if I'm still an untruthworthy teenager, they guilt me and because of all of this, I am, in a way, still afraid of them.

 

The first weekend in their house, I said something about wanting such and such for a tattoo. I was forced to write a letter about why people get tattoos.

 

They've always made comments about my looks ("suck in your gut" during prom pictures) or how much I ate. When I was in my first semester of college and I had depression/sleeping problems, I said I was stressed and the reply I got was laughter, followed by, "You don't have anything to be stressed about."

 

When I got pregnant, I didn't have insurance so I was on Medicaid. When I was asked what insurance I was on, I was told a story about how he paid for his daughters birth for 3 years... as if that's some great lesson to be learned. Made me feel like ****!

 

I've been out of the house for 3 years and they make judgements on my life. I try to make excuses and say I get it, but my biological mom does the same without making me feel like crap about it. I end up hiding stuff like when I got a cat, just because I don't want the comment about how much money I spend.

 

When they have helped me, say with fixing my car, I get a nice long letter telling me they worked on it for 15 hours, and they noticed a bunch of receipts for stuff I bought and places I went. -.-

 

Two months ago, they helped me move out of my apartment and my boyfriend was in another state at the time, he kept calling and texting. I'd reply and pick up, while still doing stuff. Every time they saw me, they told me to put my phone up. In a way that means "you do exactly as I say because you're a child". The third time he called, I was mopping and one of them took my phone and hung up. Then when he called again, she said, "Don't. Call. Back." I'm 21 years old!!! She kept the phone in her pocket until we got on the road. I am also a parent so it was really unnerving.

 

I feel like I can't share anything with them. I don't say any more than I have to through the phone, because it starts an argument/lecture on some crap. It makes me feel bad that I need their help sometimes and I'd stop talking to them if I didn't..which also makes me feel like crap.

I probably heard "I am the parent, you are the child" a hundred times under their roof.

 

I just don't get why I have to be reminded of everything they did for me, like I should do what they say. It makes me feel as if I have to do their bidding because I'm ungrateful, but I'm not. I don't know anyone whose parents expect them to do what they want when they help them. I just think the parent/child dynamic should've changed when I moved out, but I'm still treated like a child. And I just take it.

Edited by purplepanda
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acrosstheuniverse

It does sound quite unhealthy to be honest. Especially the example of taking your phone off you and ordering you not to reply, given that you're a Mother and you didn't have your child with you that's a really awful thing to do. It's not like you were out having a nice meal and you kept texting friends.

 

It sounds like they've done a lot for you, but that's what you sign up for when you decide to raise a child! And it's no excuse to continue to treat you as a child now when you're a grown woman.

 

Have you ever had any kind of counselling or therapy? Perhaps a trained therapist could help you to work out why this dynamic is continuing and help you to work out what you can do to stop it from perpetuating. It brings to mind Transactional Analysis, a psychological theory that looks at how people relate to one another, part of TA looks at how we are all capable of relating from a 'child' 'adult' or 'parent' perspective, 'adult' being the most neutral and mature and child and adult being as they sound, either overbearing and bossy or immature and childish. Perhaps with a therapist you can uncover whether you're stuck currently in your parents acting in a 'parent' ego state, leading you to respond as a child would. I know some adults who still relate to their parents as though they're kids, but for me as we get older it becomes more natural to relate to them as though you're both adults, I know that the older I get the more I feel like I hang out with my Father on an equal level, he doesn't do or say things that are bossy and critical or overbearing, and I don't act like a child as though I'm helpless, seeking him out as a safety net or trying to put my own adult responsibilities onto him. But a lot of my peers still find that when they go home for a bit, they slip right back into that parent/child role, the parent shouting at their kid to make their bed and the child whining about it despite the child being in their mid twenties!

 

Just a thought. In therapy perhaps you'll find a way to start relating to them as an adult, you can't control how they talk to you straight off the bat but if you can work out a way to assert yourself as a grown up even when they try and act in the way they have been towards you, perhaps it'll be much harder for them to continue to act that way when you're behaving like an adult who won't be bossed around. It sounds really painful what you're going through, what do you have to lose?

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It does sound quite unhealthy to be honest. Especially the example of taking your phone off you and ordering you not to reply, given that you're a Mother and you didn't have your child with you that's a really awful thing to do. It's not like you were out having a nice meal and you kept texting friends.

 

It sounds like they've done a lot for you, but that's what you sign up for when you decide to raise a child! And it's no excuse to continue to treat you as a child now when you're a grown woman.

 

Have you ever had any kind of counselling or therapy? Perhaps a trained therapist could help you to work out why this dynamic is continuing and help you to work out what you can do to stop it from perpetuating. It brings to mind Transactional Analysis, a psychological theory that looks at how people relate to one another, part of TA looks at how we are all capable of relating from a 'child' 'adult' or 'parent' perspective, 'adult' being the most neutral and mature and child and adult being as they sound, either overbearing and bossy or immature and childish. Perhaps with a therapist you can uncover whether you're stuck currently in your parents acting in a 'parent' ego state, leading you to respond as a child would. I know some adults who still relate to their parents as though they're kids, but for me as we get older it becomes more natural to relate to them as though you're both adults, I know that the older I get the more I feel like I hang out with my Father on an equal level, he doesn't do or say things that are bossy and critical or overbearing, and I don't act like a child as though I'm helpless, seeking him out as a safety net or trying to put my own adult responsibilities onto him. But a lot of my peers still find that when they go home for a bit, they slip right back into that parent/child role, the parent shouting at their kid to make their bed and the child whining about it despite the child being in their mid twenties!

 

Just a thought. In therapy perhaps you'll find a way to start relating to them as an adult, you can't control how they talk to you straight off the bat but if you can work out a way to assert yourself as a grown up even when they try and act in the way they have been towards you, perhaps it'll be much harder for them to continue to act that way when you're behaving like an adult who won't be bossed around. It sounds really painful what you're going through, what do you have to lose?

 

My baby was in his swing while the phone thing was going on. XD

 

When I was 14-17 I went to therapy for depression issues, but because of my avoidance issues I never brought up how they treated me. I was miserable by them but I also didn't quite realize how bad it was. They both got into my journals and read them, each on their own time. My adopted father doesn't like my boyfriend because we had sex after prom when we were 17... He wouldn't know that if he didn't pry into my private life. Now we have a child together, go figure.

 

I loved your response; what you said about transactional analysis sounded very accurate. I didn't even know something like that existed.

And the thing is that when I do try to stand up for myself and act like an adult, I get even more condescension, mainly from him. When I told him that he was extremely condescending, he said that maybe I'm the same way to him!

 

And I'm ashamed to say that a large part of why I put up with so much is because they help me. They are slightly manipulative but I was a struggling college student, then I was a struggling and pregnant, struggling and a new mom.. It's not even as if I'm living with them either. I'd never resign to that torture. I've needed their help moving, a phone bill was paid once, rent paid for me a couple of times, my utilities when I got out of the hospital from giving birth. And I'm always thankful but the thought that I have to do as they say? Completely unfair. :(

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Clarence_Boddicker

They are wrong with a lot of their behaviors, but they do seem to be there when you need them, which seems often. Why don't you get your $#!? together, so you don't need their help? Not being judgmental, just pointing out a simple fact. You're not going to change them, but you can change yourself. Full independence is hard, but very rewarding.

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