Lost my mom yesterday

[ChicagoSparty]

Cancer. A 3+ year battle lost. She was only 60, and a young 60 at that.

 

The worst part about cancer is the roller-coaster it puts everybody on. The person with cancer feels good, then feels terrible, then feels great, then feels awful....for years. The people who love that person have their hope filled and deflated over and over again...for years.

 

And then, just like that, it's over.

 

My mother was living in Florida, with her entire family and most of her friends in the Northern US. She was alone when she passed. I was making arrangements to go down and see her in a few days, and making arrangements to move her back to MI. I don't know what happened...she was doing OK on Friday when I talked to her. I hate that she was alone. It's going to bother me for the rest of my life.

 

I just told my kids today. It was a gutting experience.

 

I know some of you on here are going through something similar. I feel for you. Stay strong.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry about the loss of your mother. Continue to keep alive the memories of her by sharing her love and life with others. Stay strong. It is very hard I know, keep talking about her to your kids and friends, sometimes it helps. Be blessed.

[candie13]

may she rest in peace, CS! That is so horribly young, 60 is just... were you close, did you show her your affection the last times you met - or the last year?

 

Death is a natural process, also I do understand your regrets... All of us can go when we're crossing the street...I am sorry to hear about this... tell us how you feel... did you start the preparations for the funeral? are you by yourself - are you an only child? Do you have family members you can confide in and talk to? Losing a parent is really traumatic, please keep intouch with those close to you and talk about your loss and about your feelings of loss !

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry she suffered.

 

I do believe death itself is a sublimely awesome and pleasurable experience. I know that doesn't speak to your pain. It's natural to feel regret and responsibility for things you could have done. Give yourself over to grief and know that with time the memory of who she was and what she imparted during her life will bring you and others much happiness.

[Tayla]

So sorry for this loss. Nothing will be the same. Grieve in your own way. And whatever you do to honor her, will be fine. We only get one mother. My heart goes out to your family.

[cerridwen]

I can relate to the roller coaster you describe.

The night before my dad passed from stomach cancer, he was the best we had seen him in some time.

 

That jovial mood of his in the evening, made his death in the morning all the more shocking.

I realized one never really loses hope for the recovery of a loved one--even in the face of a terminal prognosis.

 

He too was alone at the time of passing.

 

I've come to realize--and this is likely true for your mother too--that just because he was physically alone doesn't mean he FELT alone.

That's a huge and important difference.

 

Your mom must have known she had support; that you were concerned and loving enough to be arranging her move.

Feeling supported, knowing others care, that is everything.

You didn't need to be physically there for her to feel your loving presence in her life.

She wasn't alone. Not with the love of her family so active and felt.

 

I hope you can let go of any guilt.

[pie2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((hug)))

 

You're so right about the emotional roller coaster that comes with cancer. If it's not the ups and downs of day-to-day health, it's the hope for a cure and the devastation when it doesn't come. Sadly, it's something many families have been through. We're here for you, CS.

 

Praying you find comfort in the memories you shared, and the legacy she is leaving behind. You sound like a wonderful child who cared very much for his mother; all of which is a testament to her character and who she was during her lifetime.

[SammySammy]

My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

 

My father was diagnosed with cancer around six months ago. I know full well the roller coaster you speak of. It's been difficult to say the least.

 

With that said, I hope you're able to find peace and comfort in your time of grief.

[Popsicle]

I'm very sorry, you have my condolences. I lost my father a few short years ago.

[Poppyolive]

Sending you cyber hugs. I am sorry. Fjuk cancer! I lost my best friend and sister, both of them to cancer. Both used to wear fjuk cancer t-shirts. My sister days before she passed was stuffing her face with chocolate and getting wheelies in a wheelchair. She battled lung cancer for 20 months.

 

My best friend battled cancer for 4 years, I can in a way rekate to your rollercoaster. It was her rollercoaster too. A very painful, sad one.

 

I know you hold regrets, I'm not here to tell you not to. Everyone grieves in their own way. But I can share with you, both my sister and best friend passed away as soon as no one was around. My friends mom popped out for a coffee, my mom was on her way with my other siblings to visit when they died. I had just returned back to Canada from Ireland visiting my sister. And my best friend I was with her a few hours before.

 

Perhaps your mom wanted to leave you with your Friday phone call. Just a thought. I don't want you adding the dark pains of regret on top of a loss.

 

 

Be kind to yourself, friend.

[ChicagoSparty]

Thanks for all the good thoughts. I've dealt with death, but never the death of a parent. It's almost like you don't even believe it happened.

 

I'm down in Florida where she lived to take care of all of the stuff that needs to be sorted out. Just got down today. As I was going through some of her papers, there were some things I was confused about, and twice I started to call her on the phone to ask her about it.

 

And the really hard part was flying down here and picking up her car. It was like she had just been in it....Ray Bans in the console, empty Starbucks cups, scribbled notes about meetings, rock station on the radio. It feels surreal. This whole place. Even though people love where she lived...people come from all over the world to vacation here....I just never really liked it. I would bring my kids down here every year to see her, and I've been down here enough to have some routines, and began to feel at home here. It's sad to drive around and know that I will probably never come back. It's like she was never here and none of it happened.

 

I just feel very lost right now.

[pink_sugar]

So sorry to hear that. My husband lost both his parents to brain cancer by the time he was 30. His mom passed away 2 years ago after a 3+ year battle. She was only 49. His dad died at 46. Very sad even though they weren't terribly close. My grandmother is struggling with stage 4 colon cancer.

[amaysngrace]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom is only just diagnosed with stage four lung, starts chemo tomorrow, and I can't stop feeling sad.

 

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through.

 

Big big hugs

 

xo

[ChicagoSparty]

So sorry to hear that. My husband lost both his parents to brain cancer by the time he was 30. His mom passed away 2 years ago after a 3+ year battle. She was only 49. His dad died at 46. Very sad even though they weren't terribly close. My grandmother is struggling with stage 4 colon cancer.

 

I am so sorry to hear that. It seems like it just never ends.

[regine_phalange]

I'm so sorry She was young. I hate cancer.

 

I know how you feel about not being there when she died. I still feel a similar kind of remorse about not kissing my dad the last time I saw him (he died of cancer too, but in his case it was rapid). But you know, if we knew the exact day of our parents' death then you would have gone to see your mum earlier and I would have kissed my dad a thousand times. But we didn't know that they would pass away soon. They wouldn't want us to feel bad about something like this. Hugs.

[DaisyBug]

I am SO sorry for your loss. I lost my mom a decade ago, so I've been there.

 

 

One thing I've learned is that this time will bring you the "shoulda, woulda, couldas." It's inevitable. If you can't think of something right away, you will find something!

 

 

This is something entirely out of your control. If you had moved her and she died a week later, you would have probably blamed yourself for her death because "the stress of changing environments took her." Or, imagine stepping our of the house for a little while to run necessary errands, and returning to find out she had passed while you were gone. (This happened to someone I know.) Deaths are rarely ever perfect, with family standing around while loved one goes peacefully in their sleep. Even if that DID happen, you would scan yourself for something else to haunt you - why you didn't live closer, why you said XYZ to her when you were 15 years old, etc. etc. etc. All that is very natural at this time, so please do not read too much into your own thoughts right now!!

 

 

I wish your family peace at this time.

[ChicagoSparty]

Got the gut shot today....ugggghhhhh.

 

My mom lived in Florida. She moved down here after selling a business. She's had some rough times here and there, but was able to start another business which she then sold. Right after that came the cancer, and it cleaned her out financially. When I came down here, I was expecting a lot of bad news, and for the most part, that's what greeted me.

 

However, the first night that I was down here, I was going through a file and found a policy status notice for a life insurance policy. I remember her mentioning vaguely that the kids and I would be taken care of if she died, but didn't look into it much.

 

So, I found the policy status and was first of all relieved to see that it was dated March 3, 2015 and that there was no balance due on it (premiums were paid annually). Then I saw that she named me as the beneficiary and that the claim value was $250k. While it didn't take away the grieving, the thought of receiving a quarter of a million dollars tax-free definitely brought me peace. My kids are so young that I would have been able to invest it and pay for their college and then some, as well as have a few bucks left over for myself.

 

But something was nagging in me. I knew it was too good to be true. This is how my life goes.

 

Sure enough, when I called to initiate the claim, the rep informed me that she cancelled the policy a few months before because the premiums were going up. Unreal. My stomach just flipped over. It would have gone up from $1000/yr to $3000. She'd had that policy for 10 years! 3 months before she dies, she cancels it.

 

Now there's nothing left but debt and a car that she owes more on than it's worth (refinanced). I'm pretty much going to take the car to the bank tomorrow and hand them the keys. She doesn't really have anything else of value.

 

This is unreal. She could have just called me and asked me to pay the annual premium. I'm no blockbuster investor, but if you tell me I can make $250k tax free on $3k, I'll have that money to you in 10 minutes. Crazy. What a roller coaster.

[Tayla]

not sure now is the time to even work on the estate or filings. Usually you are given more time . You are not responsible for any of her debts unless you co signed or have legal executor of estate power. Even then its not from your funds, its what assets and or debts that are in existance.

 

Money was and still is the last thing I think of when I lost my mother. Only some personal items stand out, and none of them had to do with a life insurance. Is that your great sorrow?

 

Grief will come in great waves.. may you hang on to the promise that with sorrow will come a greater sense of peace... Take the time, there is no beat the clock on somethings. Peace be with you.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Tayla

[ChicagoSparty]

not sure now is the time to even work on the estate or filings. Usually you are given more time . You are not responsible for any of her debts unless you co signed or have legal executor of estate power. Even then its not from your funds, its what assets and or debts that are in existance.

 

Money was and still is the last thing I think of when I lost my mother. Only some personal items stand out, and none of them had to do with a life insurance. Is that your great sorrow?

 

Grief will come in great waves.. may you hang on to the promise that with sorrow will come a greater sense of peace... Take the time, there is no beat the clock on somethings. Peace be with you.

 

Well, my mom and I didn't exactly have a great relationship, and I've spent my adult life having to step in and fix her problems. She was getting better at things, but our relationship reparations were very much a work in progress.

 

Now, that said.....

 

No, money is not my sorrow here. I would rather have her back than have money. I understand what you're saying and I agree. It's just that there was some relief when I found out about that policy, and had I been smart, I would have checked right away to verify it before I became comfortable with the idea. It was just a shock, that's all. The sun broke through the clouds for a few minutes, and then the tornado hit.

 

To your other point....I don't have a choice but to be down here taking care of all of this stuff. I'm the only person in the family willing to do it. There was no will, and no estate to do anything with, other than a little bit of cash in her bank account and a small share of a business, so I'm not even going to mess around with probate. Her body is sitting in the morgue waiting for a death certificate, which also is needed to release her cash from the bank as well as her possessions from a storage unit.

 

I don't want to be doing this stuff right now, but we don't live down here. The whole family is 1200+ miles away (I live that far away as well), so I had no choice but to come down and tie up all these loose ends.

 

Trust me, I would rather be with my family and friends and not staying down here by myself unearthing the mountain of garbage my mom had going on. Not an option. And I'm getting antsy because I'm missing out on work and income being down here, and I'm stuck down here spending my own money until these matters are resolved (at least another week), and the longer I'm down here, the more this is costing me. I don't want to think about money, but I kind of have to right now.

[Tayla]

it's best I respect your way of dealing with matters.

[Gold Pile]

I'm so sorry CS. I know exactly what you mean about the car, cleaning out my Dad's car was a difficult ordeal.

 

If your Mom could talk to you one more time, she'd tell it's ok (in time) to get on with your life and be happy again.

 

Anything you feel you didn't do exactly right, should be viewed as part of being human. You couldn't know exactly how things would play out.

 

Time really does heal.

[Tayla]

Insurance policy 250k. Yeah that is soo worth grieving about.....(NOT!)

 

 

 

Us folks that truly understand grief will show regard for a life lost.

[candie13]

CS... you seem anxious. I understand you just want to be done with it... but man... whatta life.

 

Maybe... maybe your mom thought the premiums would be too high for her anyway and that she will live. The hard truth is... maybe she didn't come to terms what she would die. It's like she thought she'd have to pay 3000$ for a long long time . She couldn't have afforded it.

 

If she had paid for that insurance, there should be some money for her to take back, no?

 

Horrible thing, to have to do everything in one shot... Are you by yourself, any siblings or relatives around that can help you out with some support - morally or physically ?

[ChicagoSparty]

Insurance policy 250k. Yeah that is soo worth grieving about.....(NOT!)

 

 

 

Us folks that truly understand grief will show regard for a life lost.

 

This might be one of the most absolutely ignorant things I've ever read on this board. Seriously.

[ChicagoSparty]

CS... you seem anxious. I understand you just want to be done with it... but man... whatta life.

 

Maybe... maybe your mom thought the premiums would be too high for her anyway and that she will live. The hard truth is... maybe she didn't come to terms what she would die. It's like she thought she'd have to pay 3000$ for a long long time . She couldn't have afforded it.

 

If she had paid for that insurance, there should be some money for her to take back, no?

 

Horrible thing, to have to do everything in one shot... Are you by yourself, any siblings or relatives around that can help you out with some support - morally or physically ?

Thanks.

 

Nope. I'm down here on my own. And stuck, as there are a bunch of hoops to jump through to close her bank accounts, get stuff out of storage and move it, cremation, etc etc.