Greentriangle Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I don't know how to handle this relationship best. My mother wants to co sign mortgage and give down payment for a house to my brother. She just lost her job, has paralyzed grandma to take care of, no savings, abusive relationship with another man. I am concerned she is putting herself in financial risk. I feel angry and jealous. I have not had help from her. On the contrary, my brother already had his credit cards, appartment lease paied by mother. He totaled the car that she consigned for him and never paid back. He is the golden child. Mom got like this because he overdosed and almost died when teen. And now he has the baby and no where to live, him and his wife don't work and live with my mother for free. So she thinks she helps them by enabling them to not be responsible for the consequences of their decisions. What do you, guys, think? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you are concerned that your mom is being used, why would you cut ties with her instead of looking out for her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 What I or others think isn't of importance. You are an adult and are free to decide how involved you want to be with your mother. If i recall she is a critical and judgmental person....so you decide. Do you want to be apart of that or move along til your mom comes to her senses... its completely possible she won't. Focus on yourself and realize just as they have little say in your lifestyle... the same goes for their choices... The sad part is you do have a niece/nephew that probably wont get to see what an awesome aunt you are, its a tough call on that part.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greentriangle Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you are concerned that your mom is being used, why would you cut ties with her instead of looking out for her? There is a long story of abuse and my mother still lives with the abuser. She does not listen to my opinions and my life does not matter to her. I tried different approaches but nothing worked, I feel deeply sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greentriangle Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 What I or others think isn't of importance. You are an adult and are free to decide how involved you want to be with your mother. If i recall she is a critical and judgmental person....so you decide. Do you want to be apart of that or move along til your mom comes to her senses... its completely possible she won't. Focus on yourself and realize just as they have little say in your lifestyle... the same goes for their choices... The sad part is you do have a niece/nephew that probably wont get to see what an awesome aunt you are, its a tough call on that part.... I know, I am an adult now. I write when I feel so sad that it needs to come out before I drown in sadness. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) I'm a terrible one to give advice since for years--decades!--I've been a doormat for MY mom. Can you try a separation of sorts to test out how you would feel about cutting contact with her? Can you change the way you react to her? Is there another, less drastic alternative to no contact, like "low contact"? I've recently discovered that my mom is a narcissist. Although it's recommended that I cut her out of my life, I would feel worse if I did. Instead, I just play along with her craziness: I don't question her lies, I don't react to her insults. Maybe that's the wrong approach. But it will work until I get tired of the "game." If I ever do... Have you tried sitting in silence and asking yourself how you would feel if you cut ties with her? Notice the way your body reacts to different outcomes. For instance, does the idea of letting go make you feel calm or anxious? In other words, trust your gut. Edited April 5, 2015 by Miss Sisyphus Clarity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Jealous? Of what? You wished to be like your loser brother? You wished you need mummy´s help at every turn? I have experienced a somewhat similar situation. I am by far the most successful in my family. My salary meant that I never needed any collateral, so it is natural that when my family got a second apartment as an inheritance, my mother gave it to one of my brothers. I currently own three so I see it as a normal thing. Mothers are silly in that way. They give not to who can make the best use, but to whoever need it the most, even though that need was self-created. However, don´t let your mother´s inefficiency affect you. It could be possible that this bad decision lead to your mother losing her home. Now is a good time to tell her that you think that this is a terrible idea, and that shall she have any problem deriving from that idea you will NOT be there to save her or your brother. In fact, I strongly recommend you to do it via email, so there will be proof that you can use later on when you know what hits the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I believe that us humans find so much difficulty in life cuz we refuse the concept of "acceptance".... Whether you believe in a God or not, please see the "Serenity Prayer" below: "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things that I can; and, Wisdom to know the difference." You cannot change/rescue your mother. Also, she is an "adult" and responsible for her decisions. Unless you can prove in a court of law that she is mentally incompetent, you have to just detach and let her go. Yep, in life the "squeaky wheel" always gets the attention. Same thing at work, family, friends, etc. People feel sorry for and/or make excuses for "broken" (ha ha) people instead of requiring that those people pull themselves up from the bootstraps and handle their business. Don't feel jealous. Feel proud that your mom doesn't have to come to your "rescue" and/or give you "hand-outs". Also, maybe this is how your mother feels "important" - by trying to "fix" so-called "broken" people. I mean, she shows a pattern of being with an abuser and catering to her abusive son. So, I guess she's got a 'I'm God and going to save the world complex' I understand your frustration and pain, but let this go and be happy in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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