return overly generous gift?

[d0nnivain]

SIL & BIL sent me a very generous gift for Christmas. I feel horrible. I love the gift but it's waaayyyy too expensive for them. It's a bottle of champagne that happens to be one of my favorites. They know this because when we were at their house earlier this year, we had a bottle while we were out to dinner. DH & I paid for dinner as a way to say thank you to them for letting us stay with them during our visit.

 

 

I have visions of them not being able to make rent or eat well for the next month because they bought this for me.

 

 

I am so very touched that they remembered how much I like this but it's not in their budget.

 

 

I really want to send it back but my husband says that would hurt their feelings. I don't want to do that either.

 

 

If they had the money, I'd say thank you & not look back but the last thing I want them to do is sacrifice.

 

 

To put things in perspective, last year SIL bought me a paperback. It was one of my favorite authors. It was a thoughtful gift & I enjoyed it. This was just too much imo.

 

 

What should I do?

[Haydn]

SIL & BIL sent me a very generous gift for Christmas. I feel horrible. I love the gift but it's waaayyyy too expensive for them. It's a bottle of champagne that happens to be one of my favorites. They know this because when we were at their house earlier this year, we had a bottle while we were out to dinner. DH & I paid for dinner as a way to say thank you to them for letting us stay with them during our visit.

 

 

I have visions of them not being able to make rent or eat well for the next month because they bought this for me.

 

 

I am so very touched that they remembered how much I like this but it's not in their budget.

 

 

I really want to send it back but my husband says that would hurt their feelings. I don't want to do that either.

 

 

If they had the money, I'd say thank you & not look back but the last thing I want them to do is sacrifice.

 

 

To put things in perspective, last year SIL bought me a paperback. It was one of my favorite authors. It was a thoughtful gift & I enjoyed it. This was just too much imo.

 

 

 

What should I do?

 

They obviously hold you in high regard Don. Don't say anything. Enjoy it and find other ways to help them out this year if their money is tight.

[ASG]

They obviously hold you in high regard Don. Don't say anything. Enjoy it and find other ways to help them out this year if their money is tight.

 

This!!

 

I'm sure if they couldn't afford it, they wouldn't have bought it. Maybe they saved for it for a while to be able to give it to you!

 

I think sending it back would be viewed as hurtful, and not as you intend it.

 

Anyway, like Haydn said, just try to help them out throughout the year if it seems like they are struggling.

[eleanorrigby]

 

What should I do?

 

Save it and bring it out to share with them next time you all visit.

[Timshel]

Save it and bring it out to share with them next time you all visit.

 

 

Yes this and if it would help you, a prepaid Visa with your Thank you card?

[TigerLilly78]

Is it possible they got it on sale? ive gotten expensive items half price or lower..

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to go with they saved to but it for me. That at least eases my conscience.

 

 

We usually see them every few years so saving it, while a lovely idea, isn't practical. More over the cost in terms of money & wasted luggage space . . . it would simply be more practical to buy another bottle in their city.

 

 

The didn't get it on sale. It was shipped to me so I looked up the price from the web site where they bought it. It's a well know supplier but because of that they paid top dollar, which is another reason I feel bad.

 

 

 

 

Sending a pre-paid Visa with the TY note, is about as tactful as sending it back. By the way, those things are a waste of the activation fee. Before I would spend $4 to turn on a card, I'd just send the person a check.

[CaliGypsy]

I would not send it back. I know you feel bad , but they really wanted to do it, so just a gracious thank you would be appropriate.

 

FYI (not that I think you should send them anything, I do not) some credit unions offer no activation fee visa gift cards (NFCU for one )

[Art_Critic]

don't send it back.. and how do you know it wasn't re-gifted

 

Enjoy-it

[avintagegirl]

What a thoughtful gift! How do you know they didn't get a bonus and choose to go all out on Christmas? Why else would there be such a spike in what they spent? And to play a bit devil's advocate, who are you to say how they should spend money they earn?

 

I think the best and nicest thing you can do is to write a heartfelt thank you note and say that you were touched they remembered and you cant wait to share it with them when you all visit with one another again.

 

Just my two cents.

[anika99]

Do you think your relatives are dumb? Like would they seriously go without food or paying their rent just to give you a gift? I doubt it. We don't know how they came across this bottle of expensive champagne but it's unlikely that they decided to cause suffering to themselves in order to get it. I'm sure they figured out a way to get the gift for you while still being able to take care of themselves. It would be hurtful for you to refuse their thoughtful gift.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Don't feel bad, and don't return it. If you try and send it back, or even mention to them they shouldn't have spent so much on their budget, you risk offending them greatly... think a minute how it looks, that you and your husband can afford to treat them to a bottle of it along with a full dinner, while when they send you just the bottle you tell them you feel bad because surely they can't afford this. Even if the income disparity is great, and both sets of partners are aware of it, it's just tacky to highlight that you don't think they can afford the nice things you can. I know that's not your intention at all but it might come across that way.

 

Enjoy the gift, they wouldn't have bought it for you if they weren't able to. They may have saved up for it. If it's something that they wanted to give you, it isn't overly generous, it's just generous! It sounds like you're a generous person yourself, so accept the same generosity in return

 

Other than thanking them for such a thoughtful gift, I wouldn't even mention the price. It's insulting and embarrassing for them. They knew the cost, and chose to go ahead and buy it. There could be all sorts of variables you just don't know about that enabled them to do this (they saved, they got a bonus, they won a tiny lottery win, they got an inheritance from a long lost relative, an investment matured, whatever). I love giving gifts to people and I'm sure they got a great deal of pleasure from providing you with a gift they know is really special to you and that you'll enjoy hugely.

[Timshel]

 

Yeah, I was reaching. You're right.

[Els]

I think you should just thank them graciously and accept it. And try to look for an opportunity in the future to treat them to something else.

[Diezel]

I would be PISSED if I had bought you that and then you returned it to me because you thought I couldn't afford it.

 

I'd find it condescending, rude, and inappropriate. And that's mostly because I come from a culture where you don't turn down a gift, no matter how expensive and out of their budget you think it is.

 

You take it as a high token of their appreciation and thank them. That's it.

I'm sure they made a conscious decision when they purchased it. Just enjoy it and say nothing more than "Thank you".

[beyond]

SIL & BIL sent me a very generous gift for Christmas. I feel horrible. I love the gift but it's waaayyyy too expensive for them. It's a bottle of champagne that happens to be one of my favorites. They know this because when we were at their house earlier this year, we had a bottle while we were out to dinner. DH & I paid for dinner as a way to say thank you to them for letting us stay with them during our visit.

 

 

I have visions of them not being able to make rent or eat well for the next month because they bought this for me.

 

 

I am so very touched that they remembered how much I like this but it's not in their budget.

 

I really want to send it back but my husband says that would hurt their feelings. I don't want to do that either.

 

 

If they had the money, I'd say thank you & not look back but the last thing I want them to do is sacrifice.

 

 

To put things in perspective, last year SIL bought me a paperback. It was one of my favorite authors. It was a thoughtful gift & I enjoyed it. This was just too much imo.

 

 

What should I do?

 

Ah Donnivain, I know it feels very uncomfortable but you can't do anything except trust that they can afford it somehow, that they think a lot of you (not that money = affection) and wanted to treat you.

 

Please don't send it back, it would be so awkward and besides most companies don't give refunds on food or drink products unless there is a fault with it, so they wont get their money back anyway.

 

Its lovely giving gifts to people you really care about so don't take that pleasure away from them - just send them a heartfelt thank you card.

x

[whichwayisup]

I highly doubt they will not make their payments or go without meals. If they couldn't have afforded it, they would not have given you that gift!

 

DO NOT return it, that's an insult to them and WILL cause huge issues and hurt feelings too!

 

They did something from the heart, gave you something that they know you love and will enjoy. Thank them and leave it at that!

 

Send them an email, thank them for the thoughtful gift and that it meant a lot to you.

Edited December 28, 2014 by whichwayisup

[d0nnivain]

The thank you note will be in tomorrow's mail.

 

 

I will do the right thing but the guilt will not dissipate so easily. I changed their whole family dynamic when DH & I married. Previously they didn't send each other Christmas presents.

[amaysngrace]

Unless they stole it they can obviously afford to buy it.

 

Why do you think it's okay to occupy your thoughts worrying about their finances? It's really none of your business.

 

I don't mean to be rude by saying that but it's really not your concern. I get that you're only trying to be nice but it's taking away from their nice gesture.

 

The same way that you're boasting that you've changed the whole dynamic of gift-giving in their family. You come off sounding as though you think you're better than they are.

 

You understand that, right?

[ufo8mycat]

The thank you note will be in tomorrow's mail.

 

 

I will do the right thing but the guilt will not dissipate so easily.

 

Guilt is such a waste of energy that could be going to better use, so just let it go. They chose to give you this gift and it comes across as rather arrogant (and I don't believe you are) to comment on what they can and can't afford. Let alone to hold any residual feeling.

 

My husband is a very generous gift giver - sometimes to his detriment as he just loves the reaction of someone being stoked with a gift. If any one commented on

how it was paid for then I would be really offended.

 

Gift giving is a two way street - so in the kindest possible way - it isn't all about you

[writergal]

It's good that you kept the gift they sent you. To return it would have been rude. People don't go broke buying others' gifts they can't normally afford.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The thank you note will be in tomorrow's mail.

 

 

I will do the right thing but the guilt will not dissipate so easily. I changed their whole family dynamic when DH & I married. Previously they didn't send each other Christmas presents.

 

I don't understand why you feel guilty. I don't buy my brother presents. We don't exchange cards. We don't even call or text on Christmas Day, and we're pretty close (in a tumultuous, weird kinda way), I mean we got no beef with each other. It's just how things are.

 

But my boyfriend makes a huge deal of Xmas with his family. Last year I was single. I spent £5 on a tiny gift for my parents and nothing on anybody else. They got me a couple of nice things but I spent the day volunteering and then with a friend's family. Christmas was irrelevant to me really.

 

This year I had to buy presents for him, his Mother, his Stepfather, his Uncle and Cousin and Grandma, and as he loves to buy gifts at Christmas we spent more on my parents than I ever have before. Not epic amounts, but several gifts for each of them, well chosen.

 

Know what? I love buying for them. I spent more this Christmas than any Christmas before but it was so fun and so exciting to give a gift and have gifts to open in return. Please don't feel guilty that they now buy presents. If they really didn't want to be buying presents and resented you for it, they certainly wouldn't have chosen a pricey and thoughtful gift like your favourite champagne; they'd have chosen something that cost nothing and meant little to you. They probably appreciate your generosity on other occasions and are pleased to treat you. The guilt is very unnecessary.

[writergal]

This year I didn't have much money to spend and told my sister. I told her I could only afford to buy each of them one gift within a budget and she was okay with that. Her children didn't even notice that they only got one gift from their aunt (me). And my sister and brother-in-law enjoyed the gift I gave each of them.

 

My point is, stop worrying about pomp and circumstance. Their financial situation is their business, not yours to worry about. If you enjoyed the gift of champagne they bought you and your husband, then enjoy it.

 

People buy gifts for each other to celebrate the relationship, not to show off their wealth or do it for pride reasons (well, maybe some people are like that I guess).

[preraph]

I'm sure you know buying a bottle of wine or champagne at a store costs about a fifth of what it costs at any restaurant, as restaurants unfailingly mark it way, way up. A $30 bottle will be $150 at a restaurant. So likely it didn't cost quite as much as you're envisioning. I'm certain they wouldn't have bought that out of any obligation but just really wanted to do it for you. You can have them over to share it before cooking them a nice dinner, which will save them at least some money. And anytime you feel they're being especially frugal or mention money being tight, again, cook them dinner and send home leftovers.

[CC12]

I will do the right thing but the guilt will not dissipate so easily. I changed their whole family dynamic when DH & I married. Previously they didn't send each other Christmas presents.

 

Do not feel guilty. They were probably very proud of the gift that they chose for you, and were happy to give it to you. I would have been. That was a thoughtful gift.

 

But on the subject of you changing their Christmas-gift-giving dynamic, please take care not to buy them expensive gifts, as well. Try to match the monetary value of gifts they have previously given you. You mentioned that your SIL gave you a paperback last year (which was another very nice, thoughtful gift) but if you clearly spent way more than the ten bucks(?) that a paperback costs, they may have felt the same type of guilt that you're feeling now, except in reverse. "Oh man, Donnivain gave us a $50 gift card and we just got her a dumb paperback."

 

So take care not to overdo it with them, maybe. My in-laws kind of overdo it sometimes, and while their gifts are really generous and kind, I do feel the need to match them, and I wish they'd stop upping the game every Christmas.

 

Also, I really liked the idea that another poster had that you could share the bottle with them next time they come over. Do some neat flavor pairings or tapas or something. That would be fun.