lauren13 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I feel guilty not being more excited to see my family this holidays. Heck, I even feel guilty writing down what I'm about to write. I'm not sure why I feel guilty thought? I grew up in, what people would call, a perfect family. Up until I was 6-7 years old, everything was good. I have good memories of both of my parents, but after that also bitter ones started. My father was pretty much became absent from my life when I was about 10. He had an affair with a much younger woman and leaded this double life, but when my mom found out - she became severly depressed. My father was very succesful and was handling all the finances, while my mom didn't work and was taking care of my brother and I. This made her believe that she could not separate from him and she forgave him the affair. Needless to say, a couple of years later - the story repeated. My father quickly lost all interest in me, and what was going on in my personal life. His solution to everything was - giving us more money (e.g. he paid for my Univeristy, but never even knew what I was studying). Still, everytime we meet (which is twice a year now) he doesn't ask any questions about my personal life (doesn't know whether I have a bf, what my job is like - he thinks I don't need one, doesn't even know my address or what neighbourhood I live in). All he talks about is his travels, his booze, and his cigars. I keep trying to send him emails to stay in contact and sometimes he'd reply very short, and sometimes he just ignores them. For some absurd reason, I often feel like I failed him (if only I was more interesting he'd pay more attention). I just don't know whether I can pretend more, and pull it together for the annual Christmas dinner with everyone. No words can describe how much I hate how everyone can just sit together, eat and pretend like everything is fine. And I'm not sure what I should do? My mother gave me the "what will everyone say" speech if I wouldn't show up already... I would bail, but I feel so bad for her. On a similar note: I recently came across this article- What It Means To Date A Girl Without A Father | Thought Catalog and I could not have put it better myself. I never thought about it, but everything mentioned there is what I am doing and feeling when it comes to relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Bring something to do. Go to dinner. Smile. But whenever you can go in the other room & read or play candy crush on your phone. You are there are you mom wanted but not emerged in everything. Hide something like the cranberry sauce & offer to run to the store to get more so you have time away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 How old are you, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauren13 Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 How old are you, OP? I'm 26. I just had a very difficult month (from work, relationship, friends, etc.); which is probably why I'm in a worse place than I would normally be. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I'm 26. I just had a very difficult month (from work, relationship, friends, etc.); which is probably why I'm in a worse place than I would normally be. Do you live at home? If you do, I highly suggest moving out and being away from the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauren13 Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 Do you live at home? If you do, I highly suggest moving out and being away from the drama. No, I moved out when I went to college. Now I live very far which allows me to go home roughly twice a year. I'm usually home for the holidays, which will be the case this year as well - but I really don't want to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 It's sometimes hard for 20-somethings to see the difference between being beholden to their parents for raising them and realizing it's time to start a new life. Even if you're living apart, in your 20s, you usually feel guilt and allegiance and needing to please your parents. It's usually not until your 30s that you can truly walk away from your 'what you owe everyone' and just be equals. If you're feeling this pain now, it's because you need to move on to the next level. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
passingbreeze Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Sometimes you have to rise above your personal desires, and simply do the right thing. In this case, that would be to show up for Christmas! You only see your parents a couple of times a year, and this is one of those times when it is appropriate for you to show up. All families have conflicts and a certain amount of drama, and certain members who drive you crazy. That's part of being in a family. Believe it or not, they love you! They want you there, and If you don't go, you will feel badly about it. Just go, and put up with whatever happens, and keep telling yourself that it is only twice a year. Someday they will be gone, and you'll miss them, in spite of all their flaws and their annoying traits and habits. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 No, I moved out when I went to college. Now I live very far which allows me to go home roughly twice a year. I'm usually home for the holidays, which will be the case this year as well - but I really don't want to be. You could just say you have the flu and are really sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauren13 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 Sometimes you have to rise above your personal desires, and simply do the right thing. In this case, that would be to show up for Christmas! You only see your parents a couple of times a year, and this is one of those times when it is appropriate for you to show up. All families have conflicts and a certain amount of drama, and certain members who drive you crazy. That's part of being in a family. Believe it or not, they love you! They want you there, and If you don't go, you will feel badly about it. Just go, and put up with whatever happens, and keep telling yourself that it is only twice a year. Someday they will be gone, and you'll miss them, in spite of all their flaws and their annoying traits and habits. This is what I decided to do in the end. It's just annoying only ever hearing complaints, critic and not existing any other time of the year. I used to reach out a lot more but was never reached to without any other motives. Meh - I'll stop complaining, I kinda needed to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts