Feeling hurt after trip

[muffin]

This past weekend I flew a few states away to go visit my ex-boyfriend's grave in person. He committed suicide a few months after leaving me due to bipolar depression, and although I was devastated and angry for a long time after he decided to leave me, I never did stop caring about and loving him and I grieved for a long time after his death. I've had trouble getting closure and I didn't get to go to a funeral. I felt that visiting his grave in person would help me to find that closure I sought and help with me moving on. My family has very negative feelings toward my late boyfriend due to how deeply he hurt me. In light of this I chose not to tell them what I was doing until after I got back, out of respect for how they felt. I didn't want them judging me up front or trying to talk me out of something I really felt I had to do for myself. I did tell a few close friends so there would be people who knew where I was, and provide the moral support I needed. This was a huge step for me, I'm normally a homebody who never does anything spontaneous or risky. I'm a nervous traveler too. That's how desperate I was to try to get over my grief and find closure. The trip turned out to be all I expected and I have no regrets. But my mom and sister have decided to take some kind of personal offense that I didn't tell them about the trip beforehand. I am 49 years old, and single, with a grown son in the Service, I'm not a child and the trip was not irresponsible in any way. I don't have some obligation to run everything I do by family members first. I feel very hurt that something that had such symbolic meaning for me and was so pivotal in my life, laying the past to rest and freeing myself for the future...is nothing my family can celebrate with me. My friends I told were not only supportive but proud of me, and so was my therapist. I had her full support. My mom especially is making this all about her feelings. I could use some advice on how to cope with this, I'm very hurt and crushed inside, it's like they have stolen a gift I gave myself. I was very happy coming home and now I feel bad.

[bathtub-row]

I'm at a complete loss as so why ANYONE would not be supportive of you in this situation. That is completely ridiculous! This is a person you loved and had very little closure with. Not to mention a tragic ending. Who cares if it was a bad relationship, that he hurt you, or that it needed to end anyway? This is someone you loved who took his life. Your family, and anyone else who doesn't support you in this, is being very, very self-centered.

 

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about them or their attitudes. If I were you, I wouldn't discuss it with them ever again unless they have something constructive to say. There's nothing you need to do. They're the ones who should be apologizing to you.

 

Please don't let this ruin the private moments of this, or the closure that it might've given you. It's your personal experience, no one else's.

[SpiralOut]

They probably feel bad that you don't feel close enough to share stuff with them, but they are acting very childish about it. There is a reason for why you don't tell them stuff. I would just tell them straight up that I didn't tell them because I didn't trust them to act supportive or nice about it. I would also mention that I don't need to tell them where I am going all the time. Then say the topic is closed, no more bringing it up.

 

 

In other words I think you will feel better if you stand up for yourself. It doesn't matter if they agree with you or understand why you did it or anything like that, they just need to get off your back.

Edited December 17, 2014 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

The trip turned out to be all I expected and I have no regrets. But my mom and sister have decided to take some kind of personal offense that I didn't tell them about the trip beforehand. I am 49 years old, and single, with a grown son in the Service,

 

Looking back, maybe it would have been best for you not to even mention the trip to them at all.

 

Honestly, both your mom and sister need to butt out and keep their judgements to themselves.

 

It hurts but try to just ignore them. You did what you needed to do and you even said the trip was good. Hopefully you got some peace and closure! That's what counts, not what your nosy family thinks.

[anika99]

I have a very similar story to yours. I was with a man for 10 years who was very emotionally unstable and I always suspected he was BPD or at least had very strong characteristics of someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). He hurt me a lot over the years and we had many break ups. My family, much like yours, just wanted him out of my life for good.

 

 

During our last break up he decided to move to a new city just a few hours away. I still loved him and I missed him so much. He came back to visit me and I went to visit him. Shortly after the move he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given just weeks to live. I was devastated, took leave from work and went to be with him. He died within 10 days at just 48 yrs old and I was heartbroken for a very long time.

 

 

Unlike your family, my family was very supportive of me during the time he was dying. They completely understood that I needed to go and be with him during his final days and they continued to be understanding during my time of intense grieving. I couldn't imagine having to fight with my family over it. That would have been horrible. Is your family upset at you for taking the trip or just because you didn't tell them about it?

[preraph]

I would tell your mom, You know, not everything is about YOUR feelings. I have to tend to my own before I can worry about anyone else's. They have no right being so judgy about anything you do at your age!

[muffin]

Thanks, everyone, you have really helped me feel better. I wrote to my aunt today and she also sided with my mom. I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe, everyone outside of my family understands and they don't. So sorry for your loss, anika999. It's a grief no one else can understand except the person who loved the lost one so deeply.

[turnera]

Two things: always try to see the other person's side on things, their feelings, cos we all have them. They were hurt because you not telling them was saying you don't trust them. It doesn't matter if you had good reason, they're still entitled to feel slighted.

 

That said, given your age, why are you that close to them in the first place? I can't even come up with 5 people I know who spend any sort of considerable time with sisters, mothers, etc. - they have too much else going on in their lives, and their sisters/mothers/aunts are just people they see once a month or so, and have NO idea what all is going on in their lives.

 

I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, just that, if they have this much pull over you and your feelings, maybe it's time to take another track.

[beatcuff]

But my mom and sister have decided to take some kind of personal offense that I didn't tell them about the trip beforehand.

 

 

EXACTLY why are they upset?

 

 

that you did this: they were wrong;

 

 

you did not tell them: they have a point;

 

 

you failed to tell them about travel plans: you are VERY wrong. They are your 'next of kin', so mom gets a call that you are dead or injured. The officials need to waste time convincing her it is you (image her frantic calls to confirm).

 

 

My friends I told were not only supportive but proud of me, and so was my therapist. I had her full support. My mom especially is making this all about her feelings.

 

 

looking from her point: she is out of your circle. it appears there are deep family issues that need to be resolved.