What would you do?

[kjohn]

My BF and I just moved in together in June. This will be our first Christmas together in our new house and I am really looking forward to it.

 

His father and step-mother recently moved a few hours away. They will be coming to town for Christmas and have opted to stay with us. I have no problem at all with that and I know how much it will mean for my BF to have his father here as he has never seen our new house.

 

Here's the problem...we have 3 cats and beautiful hardwood floors. They have 2 large golden retriever dogs that are not well-groomed, dirty, smelly and badly behaved, plus one of them is still a puppy and is a bit of a terror...eating food off the counters, shredding newspapers & magazines and crying and barking incessantly when put in her cage or left alone.

 

Under no circumstances do either I or my BF want these dogs in our home, but we found out last night that his father and step-mother are planning to bring them when they stay with us. Apparently they just assumed it would be ok and they never asked us for permission.

 

My BF tried to tell his father that the dogs can't come because of our cats, but the father just said "Oh, they won't bother the cats!"

 

But it goes so much further beyond just the cats. We do not want these dogs in our home. Period.

 

My BF told me that he would offer to pay to board the dogs in the kennel his father used to use for vacations when they lived in town.

 

That sounds all well and good....but my BF has a tendency to be a pushover and not stand his ground when it comes to his family.

 

I am so worried that he is going to cave in and allow his parents to bring the dogs, but the last thing I want is for this to become an argument between me and my BF.

 

If you were me, what would you do?

[d0nnivain]

I would tell the father in no uncertain terms that the dogs can't come. Offer suggestions for kennels either near them or by you. But no means no. It;sa huge imposition to bring your pets to somebody else's house.

[ASG]

I would tell the father in no uncertain terms that the dogs can't come. Offer suggestions for kennels either near them or by you. But no means no. It;sa huge imposition to bring your pets to somebody else's house.

 

Especially when they are SO big!!

 

And It's not about the dogs bothering the cats... It's about the cats not feeling comfortable with the dogs! I mean... It could even be that you had dogs that didn't like OTHER dogs. It's not about their dogs, but about YOUR pets.

 

You need to make it VERY clear that they cannot bring the dogs. Fortunately, your BF agrees that they're not welcome. You BOTH just need to stand your ground. I doubt this will become a thing between you and the BF.

[Art_Critic]

It's a sword that cuts both ways... you want his family to be there but they might only come if they can bring the dogs, boarding 2 dogs for a week will be close to $500.00, less if only for a few days..

 

I know when my Mom comes in town she brings her dog, a pain at times but she is on a fixed income so for her to board the dog to visit for 2 days would be too costly..

 

We have dogs by the way.. I get the hardwood issue.. our hardwoods have been ruined from the dogs.

Do you have a basement the dogs could hang out in?

 

I see your BF has offered to pay to board the dogs.. perfect and hopefully his family will take him up on his generous offer.

[kjohn]

Yes, my BF did tell me that he would pay to board the dogs and I agree that is a perfect solution....but here's the problem, he has a habit of talking big when he's talking to me but then not standing his ground when push comes to shove.

 

I've seen it a million times, especially when it comes to his daughter. "If she thinks I'm going to give her gas money she's crazy!" He says to me and then when he sees her he hands her $20 for gas!

 

I just smile and nod when he says these kinds of things to me, knowing full well that he will cave in.

 

That's why I'm worried. I don't want him to cave in this time. If he does, I will be angry and that is why I'm worried about it becoming a fight.

 

Yes, we have a basement but the cats litter boxes are down there so if we kept the dogs down there we would have to put the litter boxes in the main living area of the house...not a good option.

 

Not to mention the fact that I don't want the puppy chewing anything down there and, if we leave the house she will bark nonstop and scare the crap out of the cats.

 

There really is just no good option here other than boarding them. I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that my BF sticks to his guns this time.

[Thicke2013]

Yes, my BF did tell me that he would pay to board the dogs and I agree that is a perfect solution....but here's the problem, he has a habit of talking big when he's talking to me but then not standing his ground when push comes to shove.

 

I've seen it a million times, especially when it comes to his daughter. "If she thinks I'm going to give her gas money she's crazy!" He says to me and then when he sees her he hands her $20 for gas!

 

I just smile and nod when he says these kinds of things to me, knowing full well that he will cave in.

 

That's why I'm worried. I don't want him to cave in this time. If he does, I will be angry and that is why I'm worried about it becoming a fight.

 

Yes, we have a basement but the cats litter boxes are down there so if we kept the dogs down there we would have to put the litter boxes in the main living area of the house...not a good option.

 

Not to mention the fact that I don't want the puppy chewing anything down there and, if we leave the house she will bark nonstop and scare the crap out of the cats.

 

There really is just no good option here other than boarding them. I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that my BF sticks to his guns this time.

 

Your issue here is your BF not his family. He says one thing to your face then does another. This will be a huge problem in your relationship going forward if not addressed. You need to tell him that when he explains to you that he is going to handle a situation a certain way, then you trust him to handle it that way. When he doesn't, he causes you not to trust him. Trust is essential in every relationship. If I were you, and the Father and step-mom showed up with the dogs, I would not let them in the house. Look at the BF in front of his family and tell him, "you agreed with me that the dogs were not to be allowed in our house." Then let him explain to his parents why you are so upset.

 

Your BF needs to grow a pair and stop running from any type of confrontation. Confrontation doesn't have to be angry or out of control. There is nothing wrong with telling his parents that you don't want your hardwood floors ruined by his dogs. There would also be nothing wrong with telling you that its only for a short time and the 2 of you will make it work no matter the inconvenience so that he can see his family. Either way, he needs to pick a stance and not budge. Just my 2 cents.

[carly75]

Talk to your BF tell him that you really don't those dogs, or both of you talk to his father.

[lollipopspot]

Regardless of how this turns out, I hope you understand that you can't safely mix new dogs and cats together without a proper and probably lengthy introduction. The father seems to think that it would be fine to just throw them all together and figure it will all work out. If you do that, there's be a decent chance that someone will get hurt (possibly lethally), someone might run off, and relationships between the existing animals could be badly damaged. Dogs are a lot of stress for many cats. This is not something to take lightly, and the father is just incorrect with his glib attitude.

 

It's very rude for them to just figure they can bring their big dogs to your house, especially given that you have existing animals.

 

If for some reason it turns out that they come, keep the dogs and cats separated at all times, and don't let anyone tell you there will be no problem, because they don't know.

 

There are some hotels - they're not even high priced ones - that allow you to stay with your pets. I recommend they look into that option. It might not even be that much more than boarding. I can understand why they might not want to board their dogs, but it seems unfair to ask you to house them under these circumstances. A pet friendly hotel seems like a good compromise. Your partner can put the boarding money towards that.

Edited November 20, 2014 by lollipopspot

[GoBlue]

My BF tried to tell his father that the dogs can't come because of our cats, but the father just said "Oh, they won't bother the cats!"

 

This should be handled by your BF for sure. It doesn't have to be an argument because you both agree. "Trying" to tell his father and specifically telling him is not the same thing. These are the kinds of things that come up when in this kind of a relationship (you are basically living as a married couple) - it can be handled gently, respectfully, and forcefully at the same time (by forcefully I simply mean that this is the decision that has been made and the two of you are not going to change your mind). Letting them know up front that he is willing to help pay for the boarding is a great way to broach the subject. Good luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

P.S. - There is a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend that could be helpful.

[ASG]

 

My BF tried to tell his father that the dogs can't come because of our cats, but the father just said "Oh, they won't bother the cats!"

 

 

About this little tidbit, again. I remembered something that happened years and years ago:

 

My mom used to have a private practice at home. We've always had cats. One day one of her families brought a puppy. It was about 3 or 4 months old. They tried to see if my cat (an adult male cat) would do well with dogs or not, so put them together (each in their respective owner's lap). The puppy was fine, but curious. My cat went mental and nearly took the puppy's eye out, when the puppy reached and tried to touch him. So that was that. No dogs near my cat.

 

Now, with adult dogs and cats things can go the same way, but then end up badly for one or the other, especially since the dogs are quite big and can inflict quite a bit of damage to the cats. But cats are no less dangerous to dogs if they feel threatened.

 

Maybe present it this way to your in laws? As a danger to their dogs? That could be the ticket to convince them to not take them, without it getting ugly...

[preraph]

Don't know why you're so bothered by the dogs. I have both cats and dogs. I'd put the cats in a room so they feel safe and not be so finicky. Most kids are more disruptive and more destructive than most pets, but no one ever says you can't bring kids. Just saying.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Good golly reconsider a relationship with this mama's boy and PLEASE for the love of all that is holy and unholy, do not marry him.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Animals are not people.

I love animals. I have several cats, both inside and barn cats (yes all fixed) and three dogs, two turtles and two guinea pigs.

 

It would never occur to me to bring them to someone's home.

 

You know, because manners.

[lollipopspot]

Animals are not people.

 

That's not the issue. They are family just like people.

 

However, you don't bring people unless they're invited either.