my familyis falling apart

[amkxoxo]

I have both of my parents and my brother and I feel like we are falling apart. When I was younger my parents had a great relationship. They did everything for my younger brother and I. My dad was a fun person. As I got older we had family members fall ill. My father's mother was very sick when I was 12 years old. My mother was a huge hand in caring for her until her death. Then when I was in high school my mother's grandparents were very sick. They got to the point where they were unable to live alone. My mother was a saint and she moved in with them for a year until they both passed away. While living there my dad, my younger brother, and I took care of the house. It was very hard because my dad worked full time and us kids went to school. We would visit my mom every day and I would spend weekends with her. Since his mother's death, my father started gaining a lot of weight and eating unhealthy.

 

After my grandparents death we fixed up and moved into their home. It was a big move for our family. A lot of stress. All the while I moved to college. I had noticed that our family dynamic was changing. It was my brother and I versus my mother and I. Always. And my brother and I mess up the house. Every day they come home and throw their clothes everywhere and leave soda cans everywhere. I always go back and forth between school and when I would come home it would be a mess. My mom didn't always have time to clean up.

 

Now that college and I am back living at home things are horrible. My parents seem to hate each other. My younger brother who is 19 is never home always with his friends and he makes my parents worry constantly. My brother and dad still do nothing around the house. Now that I am home I help clean because s e my mom works full time too. It makes us angry that the boys don't clean. When my mother says anything they call her a nag or a bitchh. I try say stuff and they scold me that I am not their mother and they don't have to listen to me. W e try so hard to get them to help to keep our household going but they don't listen.

 

My dad seems to have depression. He comes home from work and he sits on t he couch eating and watching tv everyday. He doesn't want to go out or do anything and it's hard to get him to go out. He seems to get jealous or mad a nd he acts like a baby when my mom and I go out shopping or my mom goes with one of her friends. But when my mom asks him he doesn't want to go. My dad has gotten very fat and unhealthy. The doctor tells him he needs to lose weight because he is at risk of dying of a heart attack but he doesn't help himself. We tell him to eat less or cut down and he gets so mad and he yells at us and calls us bad things. I am now 22 and I don't take his nasty words and I give it right back to him. He seems depressed because my brother who is his best friend isn't around a lot to spend time with him. But sometimes my brother doesn't want to deal with his attitude.

 

My parents fight a lot. And it's horrible. They yell and my dad always throws out nasty words and divorce. He claims to always be alone and people treat him like dirt. My mom can sometimes com across and scolding or a nag but she doesn't mean it in a mean way to hurt you. My dad is so sensitive. My dad complains that he cuts the lawn and takes out the garbage and that's what he does to help Nd he gets no credit. But all of that stuff is once a week, where my mother an I clean the house, do laundry, make dinner, and do the dishes. Everyday.

 

My dad complains he is always alone but he doesn't try and make plans with people. If it wasn't for my mother I don't think my father would see his own father or his sister said and her family.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been trying to bring everyone together but it's not working. My mom doesn't know what to do anymore. The boys won't help her. I'm moving out in two weeks for a new job. I mentioned to the guys how I am leaving and they need to help her and I got eye rolls nasty words. Telling me to shut up and I shouldn't be telling them what to do. My brother told me he wants to move out too because the atmosphere is bad. My parents seem like they hate each other. I feel like once I move out things are going to be even worse. But I need to be able to live my life. My brother may move in with me in about a year from now. He needs structure and maybe I can be seen good influence on him.

 

I don't know what to do. I try and be on everyone's side but my mom likes me to be on hers since we are best friends and we help each other the most. My dad is crazy and my brother sticks with him and my brother is young and reckless.

 

My family is failing.

 

Help. I'm desperate.

[dragonfire13]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like such an awful living situation. Unfortunately, the solution lies in your parents - if they're marriage is no longer working, it's up to them to decide if they want to fix it or end it.

 

If neither choose to do anything, I think you just have to find a way to manage it and blot it out until you move out... don't feel guilty if you decide to move out, you have to take care of your own mental wellbeing. Your parents might take the empty house as an opportunity to fix the problems in their marriage.

 

I'm currently back living with my mum, and have to deal with a bunch of dysfunctional issues that I'm not used to (I was in care for a large part of my childhood), such as rowdy ex-tenants knocking on the door asking for deposits, annoying siblings with issues... I spend a lot of my time on my laptop with headphones in just trying to blot it out. I go out everyday for walks and keep my mum at a "hi and bye" level to avoid arguments - the slightest house related tiff will result in vile abuse being sent my way so I prefer just not to talk to her much.

 

It's not healthy, but I'm jobhunting so I know I'll be out of the situation soon. Hopefully, you find yourself away from this toxic environment soon too. Sorry if this has not been much help.

[anika99]

Unfortunately your parents are the only ones who can fix this mess. Do you think they love each other? Have they ever tried counselling?

[Gloria25]

IMO, it's not your place and/or your concern how your parents live their lives...

 

Thank God they raised you to be who you are, but that does not mean you are indebted to them. People do not have their kids so they can eat them later...

 

Think of birds...the kiddies gotta go fly on their own and make their own lives (or families if you decide to have that).

 

I know, we all want the Brady Bunch. And yes, it's hard to watch a loved one just waste away. But at the end of the day, while your parents have the title of "parents" that does not stop them from being flawed humans.

 

Now, I gather you might be mixing up the compassion you learned from them when they cared for your grandparents with you "rescuing" them from themselves...Again, they are responsible for themselves.

 

I'm glad you are moving out. Maybe you can get your own place and share rent with some other people your age and get yourself out of that toxic situation.

 

I hated living in my "home". When I got older, I got extra jobs in part so that I could come home late and just go straight to bed. There was a point I didn't even let them know where I lived cuz just casual convo (i.e. "how are you") turns into a rant as to how their house is burning down.

 

Good luck....

Edited November 6, 2014 by Gloria25

[bathtub-row]

I agree with Gloria25 - you should stay out of the arguments between your parents and stop telling your dad what he should do and how he should eat. If he wants to die of a heart attack, that's his business. And the issues between him and your mom are their problem, not yours. All this bickering back and forth where you and your brother are involved is creating a division between all of you. It's creating sides. If you're there and you clean up, then do that and stay quiet about the rest. It's good that you're moving out but, based on the interactions between you and your brother, I think inviting him to live with you would be a very bad move.

[Quiet Storm]

Many couples have a dysfunctional "dance", and they are the only ones that can fix it.

 

The only thing you can do is detach. If you have to live there, do your own thing and whenever an argument happens, leave.

 

Beware of triangulation. It's a way that people manipulate those around them to take sides. Sometimes we don't even realize we are being triangulated, so be careful. When you mom starts complaining about your dad, or your dad about your mom, say "Please don't say negative things about my dad (or mom)" and leave or walk away.

 

You want them to be able to see that their dynamic is unhealthy, and your actions (leaving, putting in headphones, staying in your room) will speak louder than any attempts to fix them.

 

Start saving up and making plans to move out.