Mom suicidal & spiraling out over breakup

[Lernaean_Hydra]

My mom is currently going through a tough time right now and while I want to be supportive of her, this isn't the first time this has happened so I'm feeling a little short on sympathy at the moment.

 

He was a total and complete loser, primarily unemployed, perpetually broke and was frequently asking to ‘borrow’ varying sums of money from her. Everyone in the family hated him and she was well aware that I couldn’t stand him. I begged her to leave him repeatedly but she never did.

 

The bastard broke up with her in a truly despicable way. Rather than be honest he simply sent explicit photographs of he and his other woman in bed with some harsh words about how the OW was better than her and how was moving on.

 

Horrible yes, but something like that would make me more angry than anything else and certainly not depressed and suicidal. I’m really afraid for her mental health right now.

 

She lives and works in a neighboring state at a very well known, well paying institution. This weekend she returned to her home city for a scheduled few days off. On the first day of this vacation is when the breakup occurred. She spent the entire time drinking day and night. When it was time to return she decided she just couldn’t do it and needed more time off. This afternoon she was terminated from her job. I had no idea she simply stopped showing up and thought the additional time was something she’d worked out beforehand.

 

This morning I overheard her wailing, crying and screaming (truly terrifying screams) at the top of her lungs. I found her lying on the floor and saying how she was just so sad and why didn’t anyone ever love her? She’s mentioned suicide numerous times now.

 

I’ve been staying with her at house in the city but the situation has gotten so bad I just want to go home, I need to go home because I feel like I’m losing my mind. And rather than feel empathy towards her I’m just angry and disgusted. How can she throw her life away over a man she hadn’t been with for very long and whom she KNEW was worthless from day one? I don’t even think it’s so much the loss of him as it is the rejection.

 

I need to get out but I'm so afraid if I do leave she’s going to kill herself if I'm not here to monitor her every move.

[josephrm]

My mom is currently going through a tough time right now and while I want to be supportive of her, this isn't the first time this has happened so I'm feeling a little short on sympathy at the moment.

 

He was a total and complete loser, primarily unemployed, perpetually broke and was frequently asking to ‘borrow’ varying sums of money from her. Everyone in the family hated him and she was well aware that I couldn’t stand him. I begged her to leave him repeatedly but she never did.

 

The bastard broke up with her in a truly despicable way. Rather than be honest he simply sent explicit photographs of he and his other woman in bed with some harsh words about how the OW was better than her and how was moving on.

 

Horrible yes, but something like that would make me more angry than anything else and certainly not depressed and suicidal. I’m really afraid for her mental health right now.

 

She lives and works in a neighboring state at a very well known, well paying institution. This weekend she returned to her home city for a scheduled few days off. On the first day of this vacation is when the breakup occurred. She spent the entire time drinking day and night. When it was time to return she decided she just couldn’t do it and needed more time off. This afternoon she was terminated from her job. I had no idea she simply stopped showing up and thought the additional time was something she’d worked out beforehand.

 

This morning I overheard her wailing, crying and screaming (truly terrifying screams) at the top of her lungs. I found her lying on the floor and saying how she was just so sad and why didn’t anyone ever love her? She’s mentioned suicide numerous times now.

 

I’ve been staying with her at house in the city but the situation has gotten so bad I just want to go home, I need to go home because I feel like I’m losing my mind. And rather than feel empathy towards her I’m just angry and disgusted. How can she throw her life away over a man she hadn’t been with for very long and whom she KNEW was worthless from day one? I don’t even think it’s so much the loss of him as it is the rejection.

 

I need to get out but I'm so afraid if I do leave she’s going to kill herself if I'm not here to monitor her every move.

 

I honestly hate giving advice when it comes to dealing with someone who is suicidal. Im going to give advice though because my mom is going through something similar. I will tell you not to act on what I'm about to tell you though because I will hate to be the cause of someone's death. So instead of giving you advice directly I'll tell you indirectly through my situation. If you decide to go down the same path I'm going with my mother that's on you. Anyways, my father left recently. Left her with 3 of her children and a house with no financial help. She got hooked on dangerous (suicidal) amounts of pills. What I did was got involved in her life, not so much that I couldn't live mine but enough to have an idea of what she was doing. Payed close attention to the way she acted when she was home. Did she sleep more. Did she stay out all night. Stuff like that. I also spoke with her about being worried for her well being on a day that she was doing good so she will have optimistic outlook on life instead of a negative one. This is very important because this is when I wanted to establish a go to person if things got bad. When she was in a better mood on a good day I got a few close friends numbers out of her that I know will take care of her if something went wrong. I didn't call these people but kept the numbers. One day things did get bad. I brought up the conversation I had with her about the people that I will contact if things got bad. Instead of me contacting them I talked her into calling one of them herself to talk about what was going on because I was worried. Not only did she stay on the phone for an hour venting to someone who deeply cares about her, but she even handed over the pills which I then poured down the sink. In other words I was there for my mom but not babying her. That's all you can do. Don't put her down more then she is by telling her she's wrong and needs to think positive. Instead be there when she falls and always have a backup. If you can avoid it do it. In my case I couldn't avoid the pills being taken but I was there for her and helped the situation.

[d0nnivain]

Can you call her doctor?

 

Will she talk about it? If she's just saying it . . . not great but maybe it's just something to say. If you genuinely think she's serious, call the police & they will involuntarily commit her on a 72 hour psych hold.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Can you call her doctor?

 

Will she talk about it? If she's just saying it . . . not great but maybe it's just something to say. If you genuinely think she's serious, call the police & they will involuntarily commit her on a 72 hour psych hold.

 

I tried that last night but she begged me not to. I had to make up a story when the 911 dispatcher called me back after I hung up abruptly. Frankly because of her profession, if she were to be placed on a 72hr hold she'd likely never get work again. I'm actually currently looking into ways to get around that difficulty but it seems she can't be placed in a facility "quietly".

 

I'm at a point now where I don't care what the repercussions are anymore, she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown that is patently obvious to anyone with any knowledge of mental health. She's reached out to some of her colleagues but so far no one's come through and it's all very clandestine.

[GorillaTheater]

Frankly because of her profession, if she were to be placed on a 72hr hold she'd likely never get work again. I'm actually currently looking into ways to get around that difficulty but it seems she can't be placed in a facility "quietly".

 

Two thoughts on this, LH:

 

1) Typically, this would be personal medical history that she'd be under no obligation to reveal to a prospective employer, and the employer would be forbidden to ask about. Is there some kind of security clearance requirement that factors in?

 

2) If you believe that she may be suicidal, getting her appropriately treated needs to take precedence over what effect that may have on any future employment prospects.

 

I'm sorry, LH. This has to be very tough and stressful to deal with.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Two thoughts on this, LH:

 

1) Typically, this would be personal medical history that she'd be under no obligation to reveal to a prospective employer, and the employer would be forbidden to ask about. Is there some kind of security clearance requirement that factors in?

 

Yes. And at the highest of levels. That's the biggest drawback.

 

2) If you believe that she may be suicidal, getting her appropriately treated needs to take precedence over what effect that may have on any future employment prospects.

 

I'm sorry, LH. This has to be very tough and stressful to deal with.

 

That's kind of where I'm at right now. In the past she's battled depression before - actually nearly all my life she's dealt with some form of depression - but never this bad; an acute, onset combination of anxiety and disassociation. She's never let it get so far out of hand she stops functioning altogether.

 

And thank you for your kind words. It's tremendously distressing. A week ago my main concern was buying cute clothes for the fall semester and my end-of-summer trip to Vegas. I feel like I've aged 40 years in four days .

[mrs rubble]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be absolutely devasting to see your mum suffer like this and very tiring, frustrating and just awful for you.

I suffer from pretty bad depression myself and spent the whole day yesterday in tears. I was feeling suiciadal too. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to cry. Several of my workmates came and rubbed my back, offered an ear. That was all I needed really, was to know that people cared, to just cry and get all that tension out. My eyes are still puffy today because I cried so much, and I feel like a right idiot for acting like such a baby, but it did pass and I'm alive today.

It's so hard to know what to do or to say to anyone feeling this way, keep reminding her that you love her and you're sad that she's suffering like she is, but she can get through it, she has before and she can again. She must find the strength because there is a whole world full of positive experiences still to come.

Best wishes, give her hugs!

[Eivuwan]

Would she be willing to see a therapist? Maybe you can find her one quickly since it's an emergency.

[todreaminblue]

i had my mum committed when she stopped eating and refused to hydrate......she had to be put on a drip......

depression runs in my family on my maternal side.....so does suicide....enough for it to be noted as such.....both my mum and myself have been court ordered to stay in hospital......neither one of us wanted to go to hospital ever ...its horrible.....dont like it....will only go normally court ordered or requested to go by family and or friends.....the last time i went in voluntarily.....

 

i put a drain on my support network when i am unwell.....i dont like doing that either...i dont scream and cry unless everyone is asleep and i cant be heard....or ill go the waterfront where no one is .....and ill cry......until i cant anymore.....when i cant cry anymore thats when it is bad for me......its when i dont feel anything but cold.....

 

depression is something that affects all around the person who is depressed..i have often when depressed convinced my family not to put me in...that isnt fair.....but i did it.....

 

your mums employment if it is at risk because of her condition ...is a reason why she should be in hospital receiving treatment......the fact that she is putting duress on you and others,is a reason she should be in hospital receiving treatment...........her employment is now last on the list...she cant function independently.....and she has to be well to be employed sounds like yoru mother needs an evaluation.....its not something you can avoid....and i have tried my family however know it is out of my hands at a particular point and they step in and say enough you are going......you cannot diagnose how close your mum is to suicide ...she needs to go fro an evaluation and you need less duress of being that one who is trying to pick her up ......

 

 

 

 

 

take her or talk to professional on a hot line in mental care they will ask you specific questions and answer honestly .they will then inform you what needs to be done...one thing that could possibly happen...is they will take it out of your hands the decision will be made for you and your mum and done in the best interest of your mum...........you need support to get through this......please seek help to make informed decisions concerning your mother and or a professional opinion that she needs evaluation can be made...she needs to be safe and so do you........and they will have no hesitation in taking it out of your hands if they consider a danger to herself or to others.... ...sometimes its necessary because depression often leads to aggression and or manipulation with the person who has it...sick peopel can manipulate family doctors know this and they come down hard.........my mum spat at me when i had her committed...told me she never wanted to see me again, she hated me i was a waste of space etc..the look i got ...well it was memorable......it happens...my mum is alive and still and always has loved me...but when you are depressed nothing like that matters.....deb

[Smilecharmer]

I am so sorry. This must be devastating to you. Depression needs medical intervention. At this point do what you must to get her to see someone. As we learned from the Robin Williams death, suicidal feelings can happen to any of us. Safe hugs, if ok.

[Tayla]

Its okay to admit that your daughterly perception is taking precedence over her antics. Since you are emotionally invested or perhaps exhausted from the drama, step back and allow the professionals to do what is best for her. Its a blow to anyone to have to feel so devasted as your mother does. To feel so unloved and devalued by a mate is saddening. Her coping skills are in shock and she is reverting to ways that are unhealthy. THis is not a matter of choice for her, she needs to know that sometimes the worse option is the only way to heal..and in this case, professional help. My heart goes out to her, and to you as you find peace in getting her the help she needs. Ask her point blank what she would do if she saw a friend suffering in this way..and then simply listen to her response....

[Lacey87]

you can't deal with this all by yourself, I completely agree with the others.

You need to seek professional help for you mom, since she hasn't already got a therapist (you say she dealt with depression, can't you contact her previous therapist or doctor? maybe talking with someone she trusts might help her seek assistance willingly)

I'm so sorry for you, I know what you're going through...

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'd just like to thank everyone who posted here and gave me your input. I'd also like to thank everyone who sent me PMs and shared your experiences. You guys have no idea how much I appreciated just being able to vent a bit for a while and talk to people who understand what I was dealing with.

 

My mom is improving. The suicidal thoughts have subsided and I've been working to get her out of the house as much as possible. She's (quietly) getting help from a follow colleague in the field and feeling less depressed in general. Thankfully she's getting better every day and hopefully things here will keep moving in a positive direction.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you have this on your plate. So sorry. I advise anyone to call 911 if a person keeps mentioning suicide. So if it starts again, consider doing that.

 

I believe I would be tempted to contact her boss, the highest-level one you can get to, at her ex-employment and tell them your mother has gone through a traumatic breakup and is having a very hard time coping and ask them to please reconsider because losing employment will only make her spiral further down.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'm so sorry you have this on your plate. So sorry. I advise anyone to call 911 if a person keeps mentioning suicide. So if it starts again, consider doing that.

 

Of course, yes, I wouldn't think twice about calling if it happened again (fingers crossed it won't)

 

I believe I would be tempted to contact her boss, the highest-level one you can get to, at her ex-employment and tell them your mother has gone through a traumatic breakup and is having a very hard time coping and ask them to please reconsider because losing employment will only make her spiral further down.

 

Honestly, this is one of the few cases where that would be the worst possible course of action. My mom is an independant contractor in a very specialized field. A new contract should come easily to her (thankfully, and hopefully soon). Albeit whatever comes next is unfortunately not likely to pay the same obscene six figure amount, but with her skill set, it won't be pennies a day.

 

Also, after talking things over with her and a very close friend, I'm of the opinion the breakup was merely the match that lit the tinderbox she's been piling kindling onto for 40+ years. She's been though a lot and worse so this sounds about right. In her own words, "it was a long time coming."

[preraph]

Well, I'm very glad to hear her job prospects are good because that alleviates pressure to get right back to work and it's obvious she could use a rest. But you do have to be careful with that because depression makes you often not feel like getting up, showering, etc. Just don't let her get too used to laying around. It can be addicting!!! And it makes the depression spiral, actually, because your self-worth goes down, you run out of anything to talk about except that you're not doing anything and it's not good. You are a good daughter taking this on. I'm sure you have enough on your plate already. Hope she makes a quick recovery.