Guilt about my biological father

[ShoeGirl]

Long story short my biological father has not been in my life at all for the last nearly 5 years (July will be 5 years). The nearly 10 years prior was full of him making promises and not living up to them, never (or very rarely) showing up for any of my events (sports, academic awards, etc - although he did manage to make it to my college graduation, he nearly missed the ceremony for some unknown reason.)

 

Anyway I got married last year, I was adamant I was not going to invite him through the whole planning process especially because the day after I got engaged I sent him an email (the only communication form I have for him at this point) to tell him that I was engaged, our plans and a little about what was going on with me. I got a response saying "Congratulations, good luck" several days later. That's all, nothing else.

 

By the time it got to about 8 weeks to the wedding, I was getting pressure from my siblings, grandmother and some other family members to invite him. I had long discussions with several of them about my reasons why I didn't want him there and they always managed to convince me to invite him. So I sent an invite about 7 weeks prior to our wedding day. I never heard from him, I still haven't.

 

I was told by some family members that he had taken that time off of work when he heard I was engaged, so work shouldn't have been an issue. He obviously wanted to come if he took the time off.

 

For some reason I am feeling guilty that I didn't make more of an effort. I don't know why, maybe it's just my personality?

[gaius]

It's pretty natural to want to please your parents and win their affection, and to feel guilty and like you're doing something wrong if you don't get it. Even if it's an impossible task and their disinterest has nothing to do with you.

[jellybean89]

Why not call him?

[ShoeGirl]

I don't even know what I would say if I called him...

 

The last time I talked to him he told me how irresponsible I was and how I never agreed with him. None of which he had any reason to state.

 

I'm mot sure how calling him will help me feel less guilty, he has never been rational so I will more than likely not be able to explain my feelings to him, with his track record he will turn anything I say around to make me feel worse.

[stillafool]

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. You sent him an invitation to the wedding and he didn't respond to it. If anything he should feel guilty for not responding in some way to say he could or couldn't make it. Think of it this way; you didn't want him there anyway so you ended up getting your wish.

[ja123]

I don't think you're feeling guilty. I think you're angry (and rightly so!), but don't want to admit it.

 

 

I mean, here you were, ambivalent about inviting him in the first place (and rightly so!), then you invite him and he has the nerve to reject you by not even responding. You have every right to be majorly pissed!!!

 

 

You're still hoping somewhere that he'll step up to the plate and be a father. By masking your anger with perceived guilt, you are still giving him a chance.

 

 

After all, even when you're nice to him he rejects you. Imagine if you're angry at him? You may never hear from him again.

 

 

Under the anger is sadness.

 

 

I'm sorry some parents don't live up to the title. Your father doesn't.

 

 

It really sucks, but this is his bad, not yours. As hard as it can be, realize this simple truth: you have your own intrinsic self-worth and should be proud that you turned out as well as you did, in spite of him.

 

 

I don't know if this article is relevant, as it talks about relationships in general, rather than the parent-child relationship, but here you go:

 

 

Why do we want to be liked by people who we dislike? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

 

Hang in there!