Should I visit my mom in jail?

[fmpro]

my mother is going to jail for eight months for forgery related charges. I am handling the situation fine because she will be back and her visit to jail might make her go easier on me now. My dad asked if I want to visit her sometime because he said she would appreciate a visit and it could be an "educational experience" (What does that mean?)

 

 

I have no problem with my mother and other than this misdeed she was a good mother but I don't know if I should subject myself to go into a jail just to see her for a while. Does anyone know what it is like there and how the visiting works? I am a 14 year old girl by the way. Also, what can we talk about in the short time we probably have?

 

 

 

also, my dad said I still have to listen to my mother when she gets out. I don't understand how he can do this. I mean like I said I don't hate my mom or anything and had a good relationship with her but now that she committed a crime, her telling what to do might be hypocritical

 

My mother herself joked (probably just to lighten the mood a bit, she is usually serious) ""maybe it will show me how it feels when I punish you . when I come back, things might be a little different". Even though she is joking she has a point. Kind of funny to think she is in the punishment situation now. Even though she is was joking you think she maybe will feel that way?

[justified]

I couldn't imagine a Mother wanting to have her 14 year old Daughter to come visit her in jail. I think it may be kind of traumatic for a girl your age. I wouldn't go if you don't feel it in your heart to do so. But if you changed your mind as time goes by then Sure by all means go. I think you are old enough to make that choice. But no matter what you should always respect your Mother. She may have made a mistake but that does not knock down her statice as your Mother. And you can always write her letters She may find letters more rewarding then the short awful visits between the glass, and that is after waiting in a line for hours as well. Just be respectful and tell her you don't want to do it as of right now and that may change as time passes. I wish you the best. Good luck to you and your family

[Taramere]

Why don't you do a search on the internet about the jail, and find out what they have in the way of family liaison officers? If, for instance, they have a social worker based in the jail then I think that would be the ideal person for you to contact. You could tell them that you are keen to see your mother, but that you're afraid of visiting the jail.

 

This must be a situation that comes up very frequently, and I would think that there are specially trained people within the prison whose job is partly about helping to promote family visits to take place in a way that isn't too frightening for younger family members.

 

My only experience of visiting jail is in a professional capacity, and so those meetings take place in private. I did once visit a jail where I was placed in the open visiting area to see the person. It was basically a large room with a lot of small tables - and you would sit across the table from the person you were visiting. Inevitably there will be some dodgy looking people around, but I think most people are too focused on their visitor/the person they're visiting to really take much notice of anybody else.

 

You could always ask the social worker within the prison (or family liaison officer if there is one) whether it's possible to meet with your mother in a private room. Good luck - and remember, jail sentence or not she still has a duty to try to provide you with guidance when she comes out. She might take a "don't make the mistakes I have made" approach. I wouldn't count on her easing up on the discipline, and though I understand the trepidation about visiting jail I do think it's worth contacting the jail to find out whether special arrangements can be set up. At your age, 8 months is a long time to go without seeing a parent.

[SoleMate]

You should visit her.

[Radu]

Your dad probably said 'educational' in the sense of scarrying you straight[er].

Your mom is probably trying to downplay it, i could sense she feels a bit insecure about her punishing you in the future.

 

I agree with Taramere, unless you are a problem child, i don't think you should go visiting there.

Write her letters instead, they are more personal.

[Eve]

Eight months is a long time to be without any physical contact. Maybe write to her at first and then go on a visit? That would be a good bridge to build. The ongoing dynamics of your relationship may be smoother in the long run if you can see for yourself where she is, rather than in the future for it to be a reference point you cannot see and feel within your own mindseye.

 

I suppose there may be a deeper sense of urgency within her voice and actions from this experience (if the experience has taught her something) and that too may be valuable.. so in that sense it would be good to listen to her and not just think she is a hypocrite. If she returns to criminality after this experience, then yes I would say you could call her out... but be careful with that.

 

Really she should know better but idk, that's life. Seeing what a prison is like could be a good educational experience but overall I would think maybe to go nearing the end of the sentence may be better so you do not worry too much once you have glimpsed part of the reality of the place.

 

I think you should go, so that this part of your life will always make sense to you when you are older but it really does depend on how sensitive you are.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Trimmer]

I agree with Taramere, unless you are a problem child, i don't think you should go visiting there.

I didn't get that from Taramere's post at all... I got just the opposite: some gentle encouragement, and what sounded like some great suggestions for helping the OP work her way through it, if she's apprehensive.

 

Write her letters instead, they are more personal.

Respectfully disagree. Letters may be quite valued and personal - I'm not saying don't do that. But actually making the effort to come and sit across the table from her mom who hasn't seen her in xx months? Better than a letter any day, I'd bet.

 

fmpro - a couple of points. I know you've mentioned (maybe in your other thread) that you are kinda, sorta, maybe looking forward to some independence while your mother serves her time. And with you being 14, I can completely understand this reaction.

 

( I also give you a lot of credit for questioning those feelings, in your other thread, like kinda asking yourself "is this really OK to feel this way?" I think that shows admirable insight, and some self-awareness that will serve you well. Bottom line: continue to be thoughtful about the situation, but don't be too hard on yourself for your emotional reactions, especially in the early going.)

 

Anyway, as far as this looking forward to the independence - I think you should be prepared that this may just be your initial reaction to every kid's fantasy of being freed of their parents for a while. In the long run though, after you haven't seen your mom for a few weeks - for a month - for 2 months - for half a year - I wonder if you will discover that you really do miss her.

 

You said it yourself: she's generally a good mother, and it's part of the 14-year-old mind that you may take it a little bit for granted just how much that means to you. Often, when someone gets some "independence" like this, it also helps them to appreciate, in some ways, what they had, and now have to do without.

 

Now, I'm not saying I hope you'll be miserable and miss your mom. I don't wish a bad experience on you - this situation is not a consequence of your behavior, although you are certainly affected by it. But I do hope for you that you will - in some ways - learn to appreciate a little bit what you normally get to take for granted: the presence of your mom in your life.

 

This could be a bit of a maturing experience just for you all by yourself, and I know it sounds a little odd for me to suggest it, but it could also be a bit of a bond-builder between you and your mom. Now, I'm sure that it will be popcorn and ice cream for dinner for the first week or two, but after you settle into a routine, you may discover, maybe a month or two down the road, that you miss your mom, and you come to realize an appreciation for her presence in your life and what it means to lose it.

 

If that comes to pass, and you have the guts to do two things: (a) go visit her at the jail, and (b) tell her you miss her, and maybe even that you have realized that you appreciate her in your life (I realize that last part may be asking too much of a 14 year old!) that could be the start of a new kind of relationship between the two of you.

 

Somewhere in the next couple years (14-16) a lot of girls discover a new kind of bond with their mothers - kind of a woman-to-woman element to their relationship that develops. I've watched it with my own daughter, who is about 2 years older than you; she and her mom have this "woman thing" going on now, which I'm no longer a part of (speaking of recognizing something that you lost...) but which I also recognize as really cool, and I also think really important for a young woman.

 

All I'm saying is that later, you may find that you will miss your mom more than you expect at this point; keep an open mind to that, and if it feels right, maybe take advantage of that opportunity to reach out to her, in whatever way works for you: letter, phone call, visit. If you make the effort to make that contact, and if you share a little genuine bit of your heart, it would mean a lot to her, and it might be the start of a new kind of bond for you guys.

 

AAAAANNNNND, if none of this happens and you have 8 months of pure mom-vacation with staying up late and all that, then that just makes you a normal 14-year old too. This whole situation is an unusual burden for you, and it's not your burden to carry. There's no real "normal" reaction that I think you can expect. Continue to be intelligent, and respectful to both parents - and to yourself - and take it all one step at a time.

 

You sound generally pretty relaxed. If nothing else, stay with that!

Edited August 15, 2013 by Trimmer

[fmpro]

I didn't get that from Taramere's post at all... I got just the opposite: some gentle encouragement, and what sounded like some great suggestions for helping the OP work her way through it, if she's apprehensive.

 

 

Respectfully disagree. Letters may be quite valued and personal - I'm not saying don't do that. But actually making the effort to come and sit across the table from her mom who hasn't seen her in xx months? Better than a letter any day, I'd bet.

 

fmpro - a couple of points. I know you've mentioned (maybe in your other thread) that you are kinda, sorta, maybe looking forward to some independence while your mother serves her time. And with you being 14, I can completely understand this reaction.

 

( I also give you a lot of credit for questioning those feelings, in your other thread, like kinda asking yourself "is this really OK to feel this way?" I think that shows admirable insight, and some self-awareness that will serve you well. Bottom line: continue to be thoughtful about the situation, but don't be too hard on yourself for your emotional reactions, especially in the early going.)

 

Anyway, as far as this looking forward to the independence - I think you should be prepared that this may just be your initial reaction to every kid's fantasy of being freed of their parents for a while. In the long run though, after you haven't seen your mom for a few weeks - for a month - for 2 months - for half a year - I wonder if you will discover that you really do miss her.

 

You said it yourself: she's generally a good mother, and it's part of the 14-year-old mind that you may take it a little bit for granted just how much that means to you. Often, when someone gets some "independence" like this, it also helps them to appreciate, in some ways, what they had, and now have to do without.

 

Now, I'm not saying I hope you'll be miserable and miss your mom. I don't wish a bad experience on you - this situation is not a consequence of your behavior, although you are certainly affected by it. But I do hope for you that you will - in some ways - learn to appreciate a little bit what you normally get to take for granted: the presence of your mom in your life.

 

This could be a bit of a maturing experience just for you all by yourself, and I know it sounds a little odd for me to suggest it, but it could also be a bit of a bond-builder between you and your mom. Now, I'm sure that it will be popcorn and ice cream for dinner for the first week or two, but after you settle into a routine, you may discover, maybe a month or two down the road, that you miss your mom, and you come to realize an appreciation for her presence in your life and what it means to lose it.

 

If that comes to pass, and you have the guts to do two things: (a) go visit her at the jail, and (b) tell her you miss her, and maybe even that you have realized that you appreciate her in your life (I realize that last part may be asking too much of a 14 year old!) that could be the start of a new kind of relationship between the two of you.

 

Somewhere in the next couple years (14-16) a lot of girls discover a new kind of bond with their mothers - kind of a woman-to-woman element to their relationship that develops. I've watched it with my own daughter, who is about 2 years older than you; she and her mom have this "woman thing" going on now, which I'm no longer a part of (speaking of recognizing something that you lost...) but which I also recognize as really cool, and I also think really important for a young woman.

 

All I'm saying is that later, you may find that you will miss your mom more than you expect at this point; keep an open mind to that, and if it feels right, maybe take advantage of that opportunity to reach out to her, in whatever way works for you: letter, phone call, visit. If you make the effort to make that contact, and if you share a little genuine bit of your heart, it would mean a lot to her, and it might be the start of a new kind of bond for you guys.

 

AAAAANNNNND, if none of this happens and you have 8 months of pure mom-vacation with staying up late and all that, then that just makes you a normal 14-year old too. This whole situation is an unusual burden for you, and it's not your burden to carry. There's no real "normal" reaction that I think you can expect. Continue to be intelligent, and respectful to both parents - and to yourself - and take it all one step at a time.

 

You sound generally pretty relaxed. If nothing else, stay with that!

 

 

 

interesting post. Also what do you think my dad meant by "educational experience"

 

 

 

I think the reason I don't feel bad is because it is not going to be years and years and just months.