Family mess

[Paris23]

A little bit of my background: I am 23 years old and have been living at home since I graduated from college a year ago. I am a kind, smart, and good person, but I have a habit of making bad decisions, especially when I've been drinking. So, I had trouble with my parents last summer because they thought I was going out too much, and they found out that I smoke(d) marijuana. At my worst point, I did crash (and total) my sister's car after being out drinking. I took full responsibility for this, and I completely understand how irresponsible I was for doing this. Because I didn't have my own car at the time, they refused to let me use their cars anymore, which I also understood. Since then, I have cut back a lot on my drinking and do not drive a car if I have any alcohol in my system. I have a very addictive personality, however, so I kind of transferred my excessive drinking habits to smoking (pot) excessively... When I say excessive, I mean at most 2 bowls per night, around 3-4/7 days a week. Although I don't think there is anything wrong with pot, other than it being illegal, and although I know many other people who smoke WAY more excessively than this, I knew at the time that I shouldn't have been smoking that often.

 

Anyways, things had been going well until I totaled my brother's car about a month and a half ago. This time, I fell asleep at the wheel after driving my boyfriend (of almost 2 months) to work at 7:30am. We had been drinking the night before, and I had smoked like 2 hits of pot. I knew I was tired, so I was on my way to a friend's house to go back to sleep. Again, I took full responsibility and understood that I made another bad decision. Luckily, nobody was injured in either crash, including myself (for which I am EXTREMELY grateful). Needless to say, my entire family (I'm 1 of 6 kids) freaked out. They told me I should take a break from driving, but because of my job, relationship, etc., I did not think this was realistic and thought, "If you fall off your bike, you've got to get back up and keep riding." This time, I knew I had to make some serious changes to my driving habits and made a great effort to do so. Kknowing that I would not be able to use my family's cars for a while, my boyfriend bought me a (beater) car for the purpose of being able to still see each other frequently. So, I continued to drive to and from my boyfriend's house (he doesn't have his license right now) nearly every night. My parents always have a problem with me being gone frequently, but then on top of that, my 18-year-old brother, (understandably) pissed that I crashed his car, told my parents that my boyfriend has a (minor) criminal record. [i know this sounds bad, but he is harmless, cares about me more than anything in the world, treats me like a queen, and has never given me any reason to judge him for his past. They were mistakes he made, and he is trying his hardest to make up for them now.] They immediately freaked out and all but forbade me from seeing him, even though they liked him after meeting him several times before finding out about his past.

 

So, a couple weeks ago, my dad looked through my purse and found my bag of pot (less than a gram) and paraphernalia. He hid the bag, and when I discovered it was missing, I searched for it, found it in his closet, and took it back (not one of my most thought-out ideas...). When he confronted me about it, I was an idiot again and denied everything, only making him more angry in the process. Eventually, I told him the truth, and I thought we had worked it out. The next morning (my birthday, mind you), I woke up to find that my phone and keys were gone. Later that day, two of my three sisters and their husbands, my parents, and my aforementioned brother sat me down on the couch and gave me an intervention. First, my dad told me that I had two "choices": Choice A - I check into rehab the next day, no more pot, no more drinking, no car, no cell phone, and no boyfriend; Choice B - they turn my weed into the cops, tell them that I had been drinking before my previous car accidents, and basically excommunicate me from the family. Also, I was not allowed to go to my boyfriend's brother's wedding the next day, which I had been planning on going to for over a month. They basically proceeded to tell me they were worried I was going to die.

 

So, faced with the ultimatum, my parents drove me to a rehab center the next day to be assessed. I was recommended for intensive outpatient therapy that would last 11 weeks, meet 3 hours/day, 4 days/week, and require abstinence from all drugs and alcohol. Although I will admit I was smoking excessively, I do not think that I have a drinking problem because at this point, I only drink 1-3 beers each time I go out, which was usually only on the weekends. Either way, I agreed to the program because neither alcohol nor pot matter to me enough to refuse it, plus I have done a ton of therapy in the past and thought it might be good for me. There is a 3 week waiting list for this therapy though, so in the meantime I have found a regular therapist to talk to. I have no problem going through treatment, and I have not drunk nor smoked since before the intervention. I would be pretty damn stupid if I did. Now, I would be lying if I said I haven't felt the urge to drink, but I was only tempted at a wedding reception and at a graduation party. I have not felt the urge to smoke either. Like I said, although my family doesn't believe me, I do not believe that I am addicted to either of these things.

 

For the past two weeks, I have felt like I am on house arrest. My parents gave me back my phone eventually, but they still have my car keys. They will not let me drive anywhere or see any of my friends, especially not my boyfriend. Although they have let me see him twice when he has come (biked 35 miles each way) to our house, they will not let him inside the house, and they give me a time by which I have to be home. Every other time I have asked to see him, they have said no for this reason or that, even though he has been 100% supportive of what I have to do, volunteering to not drink when he's with me and helping me through this in any and every way imaginable.

 

I understand that they intervened out of love and concern for me, and I greatly appreciate that. I just believe that they are blowing this all out of proportion and that they have no right to take away my freedom and independence. I know that I can (and want to!) do this on my own and that I am not going to drink or smoke until this is all over, if not ever again in the case of smoking. I have been interviewing for new jobs, picking up new hobbies, exercising, and doing other great things to accomplish my goals. I am planning on moving out ASAP, but I am stuck for the time being because I have absolutely no money to pay for my own apartment right now. Each day, I wake up excited to start something new and get something accomplished, but each day I feel like I get kicked back down by my family when they prohibit my independence. I don't know what to do at this point because I am literally stuck.

 

Every time I've told a friend about the situation, they cannot believe how crazy my parents are being. I can understand it to an extent, but the other part of me thinks they're way overdoing it. I love my parents and my siblings more than anything, but they are just pushing me away from them more and more, day by day. Also, I don't know if they're right to be doing this or if they really are just blowing it out of proportion.

 

Opinions? Advice? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Ok, well, you aren't going to like what I have to say...but here goes, I am assuming you live in the US,

 

While you may be of age, legally, to do what you want, as long as you are financially dependent and living with your parents they do have the right to certain rules of behavior.

For example, possession of pot in the amounts you had been smoking could be detrimental to your parents. If police found it, it's on their property. They can be held liable.

You were lucky with the car accidents, but if you had harmed someone,or yourself, who would be held liable? Your parents. I assume you did not pay for replacement, deductible or increase in car insurance for the totaling of two cars. The increase in car insurance will last several years.

 

Medical bills etc. I assume you are not covering those.

 

Getting the point here? Being of age does not make you an adult.

 

I am glad that you think you do not need rehab, you do however need to mature. Continuing to make the same foolish mistakes means you are not learning. Therapy might help you.

 

You do realize that most professional jobs do drug tests? And chronic high level of users of POT may not clear a drug test for several months!?

 

As for the boyfriend...I am sure he is a nice enough guy, but in absence of a change in your behavior, it is logical for your parents to assume your relationship with him contributes to your bad decisions. You did not say but i assume he lost his license for drunk driving? If he wants to see you he can get a ride.

 

You need to start behaving like the adult if you want to be treated as one. Keep normal hours, help around the house without being asked, make a list of how much money you owe your parents and make a plan to pay it back. Spend time every day looking for a job. Stop focusing on your social life.