My parents control me too much?

[syw0806]

I really need a help here. its very long..I really appreciate your time and advices.

I'm turning 22 this august, I go to community college in my area and also help running my parents' business. and I still live with them.

 

This has been always issue between us that I come home late when I go out with friends or my boyfriend. I come home the latest at midnight. I know they care and worry about me.. I understand I also have read people saying you should listen to them since I still live in their house.. but I personally think midnight is the right curfew time for 21 yo... but they always get upset and think I am disrespecting them by getting back home too late.

They want me to come home before 10... Should I listen to them and be back home before 10?

 

another issue is about my boyfriend. He's older than I,..28 yo. I met him through Facebook. we have a mutural friend and he showed interest in me first.. we met..n eversince we've been together for about 6mos. I love him dearly and I know he does the same.

However, my parents think it wasn't even the right start from the beginning(meet thru facebook), my dad doesn't even like the fact he is a car dealer(no offence to dealers and sales people..), too much age gap, and telling me we are just in different stages of our lives, and he even thinks my boyfriend is taking me lightly.

 

They never even met him. and they just assume he is not the right guy for me. My boyfriend and I are never disgussed about settling down yet but we had a talk before that he loves me so much that he would want to start a family with me if things going great. and I agreed. we are pretty much in a serious level now, but my parents would go kill themselves if I keep seeing this guy... It's not even they didn't know I was seeing him before. They knew from the beginning that I'm seeing him..and all of sudden they are flipping out after 6 mos.

 

What should I do here? I do love him and I want to see how it goes. Things might go wrong between him and I in the future, but for now everything between us has been great and I want to continue this..but they force me to break up. and my boyfriend is very upset about this situation..

he actually asked me to introduce him to my parents few days ago and now we cant even get to that part.

 

Am I supposed to break up with him for god sake?

My dad and I are just way too different. we don't really get along great..and we all know that. so we try to communicate, but it doesn't really work. I love him and he loves me but hes just way too old fashioned and conservative..and I'm totally the opposite.

 

Seems like he wants to me to see an ideal guy that he wants and have an ideal relationship that he's dreaming about.

 

I'm just lost here. what should I do?

[Nyla]

I really need a help here. its very long..I really appreciate your time and advices.

I'm turning 22 this august, I go to community college in my area and also help running my parents' business. and I still live with them.

 

This has been always issue between us that I come home late when I go out with friends or my boyfriend. I come home the latest at midnight. I know they care and worry about me.. I understand I also have read people saying you should listen to them since I still live in their house.. but I personally think midnight is the right curfew time for 21 yo... but they always get upset and think I am disrespecting them by getting back home too late.

They want me to come home before 10... Should I listen to them and be back home before 10?

 

another issue is about my boyfriend. He's older than I,..28 yo. I met him through Facebook. we have a mutural friend and he showed interest in me first.. we met..n eversince we've been together for about 6mos. I love him dearly and I know he does the same.

However, my parents think it wasn't even the right start from the beginning(meet thru facebook), my dad doesn't even like the fact he is a car dealer(no offence to dealers and sales people..), too much age gap, and telling me we are just in different stages of our lives, and he even thinks my boyfriend is taking me lightly.

 

They never even met him. and they just assume he is not the right guy for me. My boyfriend and I are never disgussed about settling down yet but we had a talk before that he loves me so much that he would want to start a family with me if things going great. and I agreed. we are pretty much in a serious level now, but my parents would go kill themselves if I keep seeing this guy... It's not even they didn't know I was seeing him before. They knew from the beginning that I'm seeing him..and all of sudden they are flipping out after 6 mos.

 

What should I do here? I do love him and I want to see how it goes. Things might go wrong between him and I in the future, but for now everything between us has been great and I want to continue this..but they force me to break up. and my boyfriend is very upset about this situation..

he actually asked me to introduce him to my parents few days ago and now we cant even get to that part.

 

Am I supposed to break up with him for god sake?

My dad and I are just way too different. we don't really get along great..and we all know that. so we try to communicate, but it doesn't really work. I love him and he loves me but hes just way too old fashioned and conservative..and I'm totally the opposite.

 

Seems like he wants to me to see an ideal guy that he wants and have an ideal relationship that he's dreaming about.

 

I'm just lost here. what should I do?

 

You should move out of your parents' house.

 

In my experience, there is no talking to parents who are this strict and overprotective. My parents were just the same; treated me like a stupid child despite my maturity and independence. I had no freedom and they loved to decide EVERYTHING for me, including who I dated.

 

When I left home, my parents were very upset and they tried to get several extended family members to dissuade me. My mother also tried to act kind but by then it was too late. My therapist at the time said that I would never heal as long as I was living in an isolated and abusive environment.

 

I was very poor, but I was resourceful and I had a lot of help from my eldest brother. He understood how irrational and ridiculous my parents could be. When I lived on my own it felt like the end of a large prison sentence. I was not getting hit all the time, verbally abused or treated like a slave.

 

Make arrangements to get a roommate and a source of income.

[SuperGeek]

At 21, you shouldn't have any kind of damn curfew. What kind of crap is that? You are an adult at that age. Why aren't bloody upset about that?:

 

Just a suggestion - Tell your parents you're going to do what you want and if they don't like it, then you'll hit the road. Be nice to them, but have a backbone too. Be firm. One thing they need to understand is boundaries. Often the only way to establish these boundaries is if you move out.

 

I moved out when I was 17 because I lived in a strict/religious environment. It has been a rough road, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

 

Remember, this is YOUR LIFE, so do what YOU want. Not what your parents want. Listen (only) to what they have to say, process it even, but realize you gotta live life the way you want to live it. Sometimes you'll find that what they're telling you might come to be true later. Sometimes it won't. Just be true to yourself is all I'm saying. I see too many people from the new generation still camped out at home with the parents in their 30s and it's just sad. Get out there and live your life!

 

Your dad is likely going to be critical of most of the guys you are with. He's your dad. That's what dads do. I don't have a lot of advice for you on this one. I suspect just listen to your dad one night and then let him know you heard what he said. Tell him it's your life and your decision who you date and get married to. It really is your decision and not theirs. So if you date this guy and it all blows up in your face, that is on you as well.

 

You also said you think that your relationship might not work out in the future. If you don't think it will work out, then tell him to hit the road and get another guy. Be careful though, car salesman are paid to lie everyday to sell cars. Make sure you trust what he's saying and make sure you aren't being lied to. I dated a car saleswoman once and she lied through her damn teeth all the time with a smile on her face -- it was kind of creepy (this doesn't mean they are all that way-- I just had a bad experience).

 

Good luck

 

SuperGeek

Edited July 4, 2013 by SuperGeek

[SweetiePie12]

I personally think midnight is the right curfew time for 21 yo...

 

Me, too.

 

They want me to come home before 10... [should I listen to them and be back home before 10?

 

Yes.

 

However, my parents think it wasn't even the right start from the beginning(meet thru facebook)

 

I find that to be melarkey.

 

They never even met him.

 

If you've been together for 6 months, they should have met him by now!

 

What should I do here? I do love him and I want to see how it goes.

 

Have a family dinner. Sit down, eat, talk, get to know one another -- ASAP. Invite him to the house immediately.

[SweetiePie12]

People who have overbearing parents, also tend to be highly dependent on them. So if you have been dependent on them throughout your life, it might be the case. Trust me I know.

 

That is deep. I'd prefer my 21 year old to have flown the coop by now... If she's ready.

[TaraMaiden]

That is deep. I'd prefer my 21 year old to have flown the coop by now... If she's ready.

And yet you tell her that being back by 10.00 is right....

 

What?

[ForeverHopeful1]

Moving out is all well and good but as someone with overbearing parents who moved out at 21, I found it to be too early. I wish I stayed at home until I finished school. I would have been 24 years old instead of 21. I was dependent and they were overbearing. I have had to place boundaries over the years. I am 29, I'm married, we own a home, both have cars, and we are trying to conceive and have our own children and I still have moments with them where they try to take over certain situations. Boundaries!!! Lol.

 

What are your parents going to do when you tell them you're moving out? They may fire you from the only job you have while you are in school. You can't pay rent with no income. I would highly suggest you avoid living with your boyfriend of 6 months. Of course you're thrilled with him! You're still in the honeymoon stage. Wait a few years and really get to know him. I personally don't understand what a 28 year old wants with a 21 year old and Im wary of him too. Some will say age does not matter. To me, someone who is 28 shouldn't be dating a 21 year old. That is just MY opinion.

 

One BIG lesson I learned was to listen to my parents. They have been wrong about a few things, but when it came to big things in my life, boy, they knew their stuff. Why? They already made those same mistakes!!! Lol.

 

As long as you live with them, respect their wishes. I would try to get your boyfriend and parents together for dinner (or coffee??) My parents never understand people who meet online either. Maybe our parents are alike?? Lol. They just grew up in a different time. If they can meet him and see him for who he is, instead of just what he looks like on paper, they may warm up to him. They may change their opinion, they may not. Try to ask them nicely if they would be.open to meeting him as their opinion matters. Let them know you are an adult, but really value their opinion, but that you can't take their harsh words seriously having never met him yet.

Edited July 16, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1

[Nyla]

People who have overbearing parents, also tend to be highly dependent on them. So if you have been dependent on them throughout your life, it might be the case. Trust me I know.

 

It all depends on the person. I was highly dependent on my parents until I grew weary of their old world nonsense. Now I am very independent of them and I have been since I moved out.

[Nyla]

Moving out is all well and good but as someone with overbearing parents who moved out at 21, I found it to be too early. I wish I stayed at home until I finished school. I would have been 24 years old instead of 21. I was dependent and they were overbearing. I have had to place boundaries over the years. I am 29, I'm married, we own a home, both have cars, and we are trying to conceive and have our own children and I still have moments with them where they try to take over certain situations. Boundaries!!! Lol.

 

What are your parents going to do when you tell them you're moving out? They may fire you from the only job you have while you are in school. You can't pay rent with no income. I would highly suggest you avoid living with your boyfriend of 6 months. Of course you're thrilled with him! You're still in the honeymoon stage. Wait a few years and really get to know him. I personally don't understand what a 28 year old wants with a 21 year old and Im wary of him too. Some will say age does not matter. To me, someone who is 28 shouldn't be dating a 21 year old. That is just MY opinion.

 

One BIG lesson I learned was to listen to my parents. They have been wrong about a few things, but when it came to big things in my life, boy, they knew their stuff. Why? They already made those same mistakes!!! Lol.

 

As long as you live with them, respect their wishes. I would try to get your boyfriend and parents together for dinner (or coffee??) My parents never understand people who meet online either. Maybe our parents are alike?? Lol. They just grew up in a different time. If they can meet him and see him for who he is, instead of just what he looks like on paper, they may warm up to him. They may change their opinion, they may not. Try to ask them nicely if they would be.open to meeting him as their opinion matters. Let them know you are an adult, but really value their opinion, but that you can't take their harsh words seriously having never met him yet.

 

It is always healthy to live alone before living with a partner, so that you learn to survive independently.

 

As for the age difference, I think a 5+ gap is much more acceptable when the couple is equally independent and experienced. I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 33. It was a far cry from when I was 20 and I was dating a controlling 32 year old.

 

A sheltered 21 year old is light years away in maturity from an independent 28 year old. Sometimes older men want inexperienced younger women so that they can mold them.