My Mom Guilt Trips Me

[jaykayelle]

If you've ever been in a situation similar to mine, I'd like to read how you handle it.

 

I moved out of my mom's house a few years ago, and I'd say that for a little over a year now, almost on a monthly basis, my mom has asked to borrow money from me. She basically uses me as a payday loan. Just yesterday, she text me asking to borrow money. She didn't say how much, though.

 

She realizes that I have a higher salary than her, and I live alone and have no kids (she's a single empty-nester), but she doesn't understand that I have more bills and responsibilities than her.

 

We got into an argument 3 months ago (I came out as lesbian to her, and she is strongly opposed to homosexuality), and she stopped talking to me for 2 months. During the argument, she called me "selfish, and a snob."

I was truly hurt. I am neither. I was the only one to carry her on my cell phone plan for 2 1/2 years (and by the way, she would CONSTANTLY run over minutes), and last year, I helped her come up with money for downpayment and co-signed for her a car loan; her last car was repossessed 6 months prior. The reason I helped her get another car was because she doesn't live in the greatest neighborhood, I was truly fearful of her safety when she walked places, and she needed to get back and forth to work. Luckily, she has been on time with her payments.

Also, before the car loan, I would mail her money orders, and wire her money from my bank account, to hers.

 

I understand that I have not helped this situation, but now I want it to stop. She won't have her car re-financed; I asked her to do so because I want my name dropped off the loan. The company we have the loan through would do it, since she's been on time with her payments during the past year. But her excuse is that she'll be making payments for a longer period. Anytime I talk to her on the phone, she complains about a bill that she owes, or what utility is about to get disconnected for non-payment.

 

Last thing, she makes me feel guilty about the things I have. My girlfriend bought me an IPhone for Christmas last year, and my mom, in return, complained about how her prepaid cell is expensive because of the minutes she pays for. The car I helped her get? She complains that the car has 110,00 miles, and that's too much (it's a Toyota.. they last).

I haven't told mom that I'm about to buy my 1st house. I told her that I was thinking about renting one. She asked me why would I need a house. What?

 

I simply can't afford to help her anymore. I'm almost 30, I have student loans, an upcoming mortgage, and everyday living costs. AND, I'm trying to pay off an old university bill in order to return to school this fall.

 

I'm all she has. And I'm not close to family, and she's the only one I really have. But I can't stand the guilt-tripping and hostility she brings if I cannot help her. How can I keep a relationship with her?

[Nyla]

Set limits and boundaries. Let your mother know that if the hostility and manipulation continues, you will limit your contact with her. Tell Mom that you have your own bills to pay.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. I think it's horrible how she's been acting towards you, and I truly admire you for many things you've mentioned in your post (coming out, being responsible (financially and otherwise), etc.).

 

What I did and am still doing regarding my relationship with my parents:

1. I read a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (it's available online, i think you might find a free pdf file), it's really good and it helped me identify how they've been affecting me, and how to enforce boundaries (to protect myself in the present&future) and how to address/deal with what has happened in the past.

 

Also book "families and how to survive them" by Skynner.

 

2. So yes, make up rules/boundaries and enforce them.

 

3. Talk about it with your close friends&girlfriend

 

4. I'm doing individual counselling, and it's been helping me a lot.

 

5. I've managed to convince my parents that the only way we're ever going to have a healthy relationship in the future is if they change as well. My mom is currently also goint to her own individual counselling. They've been accepting and realising just how toxic parents they've been and it's getting better. But it has been and will continue to be a long and hard process for all of us.

 

Eventually, if she's unwilling to change and respect you, you have to put yourself first! You and your happiness is the most important thing.

 

Ok, so much for now, but I truly hope we shall here more from you!

 

Best wishes and much admiration from myself

[jaykayelle]

Hi Nyla and Calvin, thank you so much for responding!

 

And thank you so much for the support, Calvin. I actually began to cry when I read your reply. Besides my girlfriend, no one has shown me any support, or offered any real advice on how to go about handling family. I did go to counseling last year, but stopped because I picked up a 2nd job. I want to go back to seeing a counselor, and will. Besides closing on my house next month, I will start a new job next week (yay, career advancement!), and I'll see what kind of EAP assistance I can utilize.

 

I do believe that I need to set boundaries. I'm horrible at it. Over the years (especially late teen years), my mom used to emotionally abuse me and my younger brother. Since growing up, I recognize the manipulation, but still give in after awhile, (hence, the car loan).

 

Those books sound great!! I'm about to look up the "Toxic Parents" one, right now!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi:)

 

Thank you so much for your posts here, they have helped me a lot too to remind myself of some things and to learn some new things!

 

I'm glad we could help, and, don't take it the wrong way, I'm glad you cried! Until last year, I think I never cried because of my family/parents, I just sucked everything in. But I think both you and I have a lot of sadness, anger,..., inside of us because of what our families have been doing to us, that we need to "process", address, resolve, learn from and eventually leave behind:) And crying is an important part of that! (just make sure you don't dehydrate )

 

You mentioned that your gf gives you support, and I'm thrilled to hear that! Maybe it would also help her if she read the books or attended a couple of therapy sessions, just to better understand what you're going through, and just for herself to know better how to "protect" herself and the relationship. Remember, whatever happens, open and mature communication between the two of you is paramount!

 

May I ask if you think you have friends you can talk to about all this? If not, may I ask why?

 

 

It's great that you have experience with counselling, so glad to hear that! yeah, I understand it's hard to keep up with counselling on top of everything else! Also, congratulations on the career advancement!

 

 

It's also really good that you have identified a big part of your problems, and I think you're on a good road to getting where you want to be! You can't solve your problems until you know what they are, and you can't protect yourself from manipulation unless you recognize it, so I'm glad you've already covered that! I was also quite bad with enforcing boundaries, but every day I'm getting better!

 

As for buying vs. renting the house, I'm not good with the US economy and real-estate market, so unfortunately I can't offer any substantial advice other than to think hard w/ your GF and perhaps get some expert opinion.

 

Ok, will be great to hear more from you! Best wishes and lots of virtual bunnies to you and your GF.

[Calvin's wagon]

P.S.: Hehe, good profile picture!

 

P.P.S.: Just recently it turned out I lack the basic self-esteem and self-confidence, which is at the root of many of my problems. Maybe think about that, if that might be the case. Also, my therapist has reassured me that I'm a good person and not Fuc--d up beyond all repair nor a sociopath. When I told that to a close friend, I got the reply that they all knew that. So that was a good day for me, it's amazing just how insecure your own family can make you feel throughout the years

[jaykayelle]

As for buying vs. renting the house' date=' I'm not good with the US economy and real-estate market, so unfortunately I can't offer any substantial advice other than to think hard w/ your GF and perhaps get some expert opinion.[/quote']

 

Hi again!

Maybe I should clarify. I told my mom that I was going to 'rent' a house because I'm too afraid to tell her that I'm actually buying it. I figure if I downplay what I'm really doing, she can't guilt me with, "Oh, you're buying a house, while I have no money and am behind in everything..". She says that about everything that I do. When I lived at home at 19, I bought and financed my 1st car, she wouldn't even come outside to look at it. The only thing she angrily said was, "I need help with this house, and you go and buy a car." Or when I got my student loan refund check, she opened my mail and got mad at me saying, "That check should be for all of us in the household." She used to read my diary, open my mail and gave me a curfew-- even though I was helping her out with the bills.

Long story short, I would never receive her blessing on being a first time homeowner. But the house is almost mine. I'm just waiting to close on it in less than a month. I'm just trying to keep peace between us.

 

I have a few close friends, but not many. I speak to them all the time. They do know the history behind me and my mom, and they are equally supportive.

 

And thanks for the bunny. I LOVE bunnies. Reminds me of the one my Mom complained about until I gave it away... as well as my dog . But that's another story for later.

[Calvin's wagon]

Ouch, fu-k, reading your post makes me angry and sad and my heart ache! I'll be very direct and say that your mom was a horribly toxic mom! I had two toxic parents, so I can quite recognize what you were dealing with, and it makes me cringe and want to reach out over the internet and hug you! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that!

 

Yup, they gave my bunny rabbit away when I was young to. At least they didn't take away my dog until he was really too old and sick (in one of my threads).

 

So, seriously, that book (toxic parents) will help you a lot, and there are a lot of things you can start doing today to make yourself feel better, and for which you don't need to (change how you) interact with her in any way. And eventually individual therapy, as well as group support, will help you a lot, coupled with your gf and friends! Things are looking up for you!

 

As for your friends - it's great that you can talk to them about this! And it doesn't matter that you have only "few" close friends - I've been realizing it's more the quality that matters than the quantity of friends. But may I ask, how come you wrote in your reply before that basically your GF was the only one that gave you real, concrete advice on this matter? What about your friends?

 

About the house - I understand. I hope everything will be ok financially. Though I very much understand why you're keeping this a secret atm, I hope you will eventually come to point where you'll have boundaries strong enough to either tell your mom that it's none of her business and that you won't be answering her question(s), or tell her the truth and just ignore any toxic, manipulative,..., replies.

 

Best wishes:bunny: