My Dad is Killing Himself - Family Intervention?

[venusianx13]

Sadly, I'm amazed that my dad has made it to 64. He has a history of heart disease on his side, both his father and brother died too young of heart attacks. The family was happy, and pleasantly surprised when my dad gave up smoking a few years ago. However, he's now replaced cigarettes with cigars. His eating habits are awful. During dinner, he eats 2 or more (usually more) huge portions. Basically, anything that's left in front of him. After dinner, he'll sit down to a plate FULL of something incredibly unhealthy (ice cream, brownies, donuts, etc.) My mom, sister and I are really worried about him. We all began eating healthy years ago, and he refused to follow suit. Typical American diet for him: hamburgers, hotdogs, meat, potatoes, butter to the max... fried foods, etc. None of us can stand to watch him do this to himself anymore.

 

We all think it's time for an intervention, but he's as old school and stubborn as they come. Anyone here ever had to try and steer a family member into a healthier lifestyle? Advice appreciated.

[CarrieT]

Anyone here ever had to try and steer a family member into a healthier lifestyle? Advice appreciated.

 

Yep - both of my sisters are 100- and 150-pounds overweight respectively.

 

Your Dad made it to his mid-60s? Leave him alone. It is his life and he is set in his ways.

 

Other than gently telling him that you are dismayed with his life choices at this point, there is nothing you can do.

 

I tried and it did not go well. I am now watching my sisters die their slow deaths as well.

[venusianx13]

I'm sorry to hear that, CarrieT. I'm sure they are far too young...

 

Aside from trying to propose healthier options for him, refusing fast food in his presence, setting a good example, no one has talked to him. I think we're all afraid. He doesn't receive perceived criticism well, even constructive, and it would probably end up in argument. I'd really like for him to enjoy retirement (he'll be of age soon) with my mom, and I know his habits come mainly from being stressed out at work. Gentle suggestions are the best any of us can do, I'm afraid.

[Keenly]

This is going to turn into one of those situations where the people he loves are going to try to take away the things he loves, and selfishly.

 

 

I understand you are concerned for his health, but its his choice to treat his body the way he wants to, and if you really want to alienate yourself from him by continually nagging him to stop or cut back on something he likes, even when he wants no part of it, then go for it.

 

Just be prepared for an argument.

[venusianx13]

Haven't nagged him in the least, let alone continuously, but thanks for your perspective.

[Keenly]

Haven't nagged him in the least, let alone continuously, but thanks for your perspective.

 

Speaking in future tense.

[pink_sugar]

I can understand your concern for his health. Ultimately, it is up to him to change his diet, but you can try an intervention and see what happens.

[KathyM]

I don't think an intervention is called for. He'll feel pressured and under attack. It really is his choice what he puts in his mouth. Your mother could, however, make sure she only buys healthy things when grocery shopping, and only prepares healthy meals. (Or whomever is doing the cooking in the family. I assume it is not your father). You only have control over what you do, not what someone else does. His family can decide to not prepare or buy all those brownies or ice cream, and to change the shopping and meal preparation to more healthy foods. That would be your best bet, rather than continuing to make and stock unhealthy foods and expecting him not to eat them.

[venusianx13]

We're going to give it a shot... he's a stubborn man, set in his ways. If it's not received well, there's really not anything more to be said or done.

[venusianx13]

I don't think an intervention is called for. He'll feel pressured and under attack. It really is his choice what he puts in his mouth. Your mother could, however, make sure she only buys healthy things when grocery shopping, and only prepares healthy meals. (Or whomever is doing the cooking in the family. I assume it is not your father). You only have control over what you do, not what someone else does. His family can decide to not prepare or buy all those brownies or ice cream, and to change the shopping and meal preparation to more healthy foods. That would be your best bet, rather than continuing to make and stock unhealthy foods and expecting him not to eat them.

 

This is true. My mom no longer buys "junk food", and prepares only healthy meals. My dad, on the other hand, will make special stops to buy ice cream, brownies, etc, or if it's dinner out at a restaurant, he'll likely order the most unhealthy item on the menu. If we have family dinners (I don't live with them), I prepare healthy things to bring. I guess that's the best any of us can do. We can't stop him from going out to buy junk food...

 

I do believe that no matter how gently we approach it, he will feel offended, attacked. So, I guess our hands are pretty tied.

[KathyM]

This is true. My mom no longer buys "junk food", and prepares only healthy meals. My dad, on the other hand, will make special stops to buy ice cream, brownies, etc, or if it's dinner out at a restaurant, he'll likely order the most unhealthy item on the menu. If we have family dinners (I don't live with them), I prepare healthy things to bring. I guess that's the best any of us can do. We can't stop him from going out to buy junk food...

 

I do believe that no matter how gently we approach it, he will feel offended, attacked. So, I guess our hands are pretty tied.

Yep, you have pretty limited control. All you can do is suggest to your mother that she buy and prepare the healthy stuff, and maybe offer him snacks that are healthy and tasty, such as fruit or other healthy things that also taste good. Maybe if he is given snacks that he likes (fruit, frozen yogurt, etc.), he won't be so inclined to go out and buy the unhealthy stuff.

[knitwit]

Hi Ms V.,

 

Your issue is close to my heart. My dad died at age 66 from complications of end-stage diabetes. He spent much of his adult life quite overweight, eating horribly, not exercising. He was very overweight for a long time.

 

My mom is a nurse; throughout their marriage, she would get into fights with him about his health, because she knew exactly how things would go down if he stayed on his current path. She was right about things turning out badly, but wrong in that it got a lot worse, and lasted a lot longer, than she expected.

 

At the end of his life, my dad got very sick over a period of years. He lost an enormous amount of weight. He changed from being a big, tall man: he withered into a very skinny guy who appeared almost child-like in his chair.

 

He lost his memory quickly. He was on dialysis 3x each week. He lost the ability to drive, then the ability to walk, then use the toilet. He ultimately needed a 24-hour caregiver. As is often the case with diabetes, several systems were failing on him.

 

He died exactly three months before the birth of his first and only grandchild. He was so very excited to be a granddad- my being pregnant was one thing he did remember, all the time. I really wish he could have hung on just a few more months- 100 more days- so he could have met my son; he would have loved the little guy so much!

 

Now, my mom and I are having similar issues with another close family member- she is going down the same path as my dad. My mom really struggles: on the one hand, she feels duty-bound to say something; on the other hand, she HAS spoken, numerous times. I mostly just try to support the person, but ultimately we all have our own lives to live and our own choices to make.

 

I recommend that you speak your mind, for your OWN sake. Let him know you love him and that you want him to be around for you and your family, and that is why you are having this conversation. If you feel strongly about and don't have the talk, you will likely carry that with you once he is gone.

 

But also know that it truly is for your sake, not his. We are all are free to speak your conscience; none of us, however, have the right or the power to control what another person actually does.

[venusianx13]

Thanks so much, Knitwit, for sharing your story. So sorry to hear about your dad and your current situation. It actually caused me to remember that my dad also has diabetes. I often forget that fact because he has done nothing to treat it. I believe he thinks it is "not a big deal" because it's Type 2? Well, coupled with his unhealthy lifestyle, it IS a big deal. Especially because it is pretty understood that he caused the diabetes through his unhealthy habits.

 

My mother is also in the healthcare profession, and has made attempts to speak with him about this, but to no avail. I asked her if I could/should speak with him gently about it, and she basically told me it was a lost cause; that no matter how kindly I approached it, it would end up in argument.

 

Well, family BBQ this weekend, and we've devised a completely healthy menu. I guess that's the best we can do.

[Els]

Do you cook for the family? If you do, you can choose the menu, so even if he overeats at least it won't be full of saturated fat.

[venusianx13]

 

 

He died exactly three months before the birth of his first and only grandchild. He was so very excited to be a granddad- my being pregnant was one thing he did remember, all the time. I really wish he could have hung on just a few more months- 100 more days- so he could have met my son; he would have loved the little guy so much!

 

 

 

This is very sad... luckily, I had a child early in life, and so my dad has been able to enjoy his now 7 year old grandson every step of the way. As for any more children I may have, or any my sister may have...I don't know...

[venusianx13]

Do you cook for the family? If you do, you can choose the menu, so even if he overeats at least it won't be full of saturated fat.

 

I enjoy cooking, and I do cook for my parents sometimes. I make it as healthy as possible.

[knitwit]

Thanks so much, Knitwit, for sharing your story. So sorry to hear about your dad and your current situation. It actually caused me to remember that my dad also has diabetes. I often forget that fact because he has done nothing to treat it. I believe he thinks it is "not a big deal" because it's Type 2? Well, coupled with his unhealthy lifestyle, it IS a big deal. Especially because it is pretty understood that he caused the diabetes through his unhealthy habits.

 

My mother is also in the healthcare profession, and has made attempts to speak with him about this, but to no avail. I asked her if I could/should speak with him gently about it, and she basically told me it was a lost cause; that no matter how kindly I approached it, it would end up in argument.

 

Well, family BBQ this weekend, and we've devised a completely healthy menu. I guess that's the best we can do.

 

Yeah, my dad didn't think his Type 2 Diabetes was a big deal, either, and didn't do much to track or control it. I mean- he lost toes, then his leg, from the disease a good 20 years before he died, and even with those consequences he just kept on with his cakes, cookies, donuts. He'd hide them all over the house because he knew my mom would give him a hard time if she found them.

 

I did talk to him, but only in a "you know, I want you to stick around!" kinda way. We didn't fight (as I can recall) but maybe I should have pushed harder. I had my own vices (esp. smoking) that weren't healthy, so I felt like a hypocrite informing him that he wasn't healthy.

 

Well, enjoy him while you've got him! That is so cool that he gets to be a granddad. I love watching my FIL go into Pop-Pop mode, it is just so cool!

 

Have a great time at the BBQ!

[amaysngrace]

My dad took a life expectancy test that asked about his lifestyle and habits and in the end it said "congratulations...you should have been dead 12 years ago"

 

I'm thinking of getting him that electronic cigarette for Father's Day.

[venusianx13]

I'm torn. On one hand, I want to say something badly. But maybe that's only for myself. On the other hand, I know he doesn't take perceived criticism well. He'll argue. He'll likely shift blame, or criticize me in turn. The truth is, due to some things that went on growing up and into my twenties, my dad and I haven't really been close. I still have some resentment, I think... this topic got me thinking that it's past time that I let it go. I'm sure doing that could only help the situation. It's a start.

 

Thanks for your stories, and for the support!