My sister is literally breaking up my relationship

[Ohnobronco]

This is a long one, so sit down. My sister is 2 years older than me. Shes had bad experiences with men her entire life, mainly by her own hand. She has never dated anyone of worth or who's simply given a damn about her well being. She ends up trailing along behind some loser (no job, no school, living off parents) because she gets to obsessed with them. This got so bad in high school that she almost failed her senior year and didn't graduate. During this time (My Freshman-Junior year) I made a conscious decision to distance myself from her, as she was already occupying most of my parents time because she would sneak around on them constantly and just lie through her teeth about everything. I got myself into a state school without any of their help, and I don't hold that against them because she was so occupying. My sister went on to attend one year of community college (she rarely went, and failed numerous classes) before dropping out to follow the same guy from high school. Even after they broke up she continued to date losers and to put it bluntly, whore herself out to any guy who will show her a slight amount of attention. During my freshman year of college she moved in with her boyfriend at the time, who actually had a well paying job for his age, even though he is a total child who cannot take care of himself. After about 6 months of living together my sister had had enough and decided to move home, only to find out that she was pregnant (which we believe she may have done intentionally but will never admit it). My sister and her boyfriend officially broke up after she moved out. My sister decided to keep the baby despite being 21 and still only working part time. Around the time she gave birth to my niece we found out that the baby may not even be her ex-boyfriend's as she was sleeping around on him while they were living together. So now my sister (now 23) lives at home with my parents and myself as I commute to school daily to save money. Now onto me. I have had a steady relationship with a girl I went to high school with for the past 2 years (I'm currently a Junior in college). We love each other deeply and I would not be surprised at all if we ultimately get married. In the recent 6 months my sister has been growing increasingly hostile toward my girlfriend for no reason. It will come off as biased, but she is literally perfect; she offers to watch my niece whenever for free (she's amazing with children), she takes care of her unprompted if we're all hanging out, she helps my parents with projects and meals. My parents absolutely love her. My sister talks down to her constantly in a way that makes it seem like she's doing more with her life than my girlfriend is (my girlfriend is also a junior in college as well). We recently had a week of hell when my parents went away for a week leaving us all alone.

My sister started the week by telling us that she was inviting some guy she's ****ed on and off for a while down from a neighboring state to stay with us for the week (mind you, I'd met this guy once for less than 5 min, and she was willing to bring him around her 1 year old daughter). On top of the stranger aspect shes told me numerous times about how he like to use Ketamine. So I obviously put a stop to this as its a stupid idea for numerous reasons. From that point on she tried to reason with me about him ("oh he'll stay in a hotel" etc.) like it was going to work. Keep in mind she wanted him there ALL WEEK and even took off work ALL WEEK to spend time with him. After shutting down her plans she pouted all week. My girlfriend and I sleep together very often as we usually have to be up at the same time in the morning anyway. This week my girlfriend stayed over every night to help me with my niece and my sister. After about 2 days my sister begins complaining about how shes always around, and she wishes we could just have brother sister time (gag me) and she would cry and scream about how we have no relationship (mind you, she was going to have some guy down ALL WEEK and gave zero ****s about having a relationship/spending time with me then). I had to constantly call my parents over her ridiculousness, but did not tell them about the guy she planned to have down until they came home as they've had issues with her sneaking off to try to see this guy before (why ruin their trip). At this point she's being so outwardly nasty to my girlfriend that my girlfriend breaks down crying and says that she can't do this anymore, she's too concerned about her own mental health, and also that my sister will isolate my niece from my life because of her presence. My parents got home, and began to yell at me obviously because I looked like a total dick, until I filled them in on all the details at which point the tables turned 180 instantly. We decided as a group that she needs counseling.

My sister now in the month since has pretended to be friendly with my girlfriend, but only in front of my parents, then the status quo resumes. We found tonight that she had blocked my girlfriend from her facebook so she couldn't see any new photos of my niece or any of her other information. It seems like such an insignificant thing, but it really hurt my girlfriend because its obvious that my sister is just playing everyone again. My girlfriend is now talking about walking away again for all of our benefit (myself, herself, my niece etc.) but I can't have that happen. She is literally the love of my life and I don't know what i'd do without her. I don't know how to change my sister because I literally think she is insane, and for whatever reason has this need to be nasty to my girlfriend and drive her away. I'm getting pulled in all directions and have no idea what to do anymore. I feel so extremely helpless in all of this, my girlfriend is demanding answers but I keep coming up with none and I don't know what to do anymore.

And before anyone says "you should try to spend more time with your sister" that's totally out of the question as our relationship is far gone from that, and I'm fine with it being like that. If I missed any details please let me know, and thank you for any advice.

[Clep]

Your sister doesn't have the power to break up your relationship no matter how it may seem. I would ask myself, why it matters so much to both you and your girlfriend what your sister thinks? I mean you seem to think she is emotionally unstable so why let it bother you what the opinions are of an emotionally unstable person.

 

I would ignore her. You are both renting her way too much space in your head. Nod, be polite and go about your business. Your girlfriend needs to do the same. Your sister is doing the best she can with the knowledge she has at this point in time. Don't give her so much power. One can only take from us what we allow.

[Radu]

First of all i'd like to thank you for using paragraphs, it made reading your post so much easier.

 

Getting back to the subject of your post, the reason for your sister's increase in hostility is because of your parent's actions and of your actions [she has her blame and lots of it too].

She feels threatened, attacked and insecure because in her mind, your parents like your gf more so than they like her.

Your gf appearing 'perfect' threatens her, and she acts like a child in that situation.

Your sister is not 'insane', she sounds however emotionally immature, and i suspect much of the blame rests with your parents.

 

It is not normal for parents to go on hollidays and for their 21yr old son and 23yr old daughter to call them often because they can't seem to work together.

It's not normal for a he said/she said argument to happen between these kids and for them to be the judge.

At those ages, you should not have to act this way.

 

I'm not saying it's your fault, i'm saying that she acts in a certain way for attention, and when things don't go her way, and you validate that, you react to that, you react in regards to that.

And she knows it will work, she knows that whatever will happen, she will not be kicked out.

Your niece protects her from that, motherhood is also protection to her.

 

Regarding your gf, i don't blame her, but here's a little bit of advice for the future.

When someone threatens to walk out on you, to end an engagement or to divorce you ... that can easily be used for emotional blackmail.

Be very carefull about these ppl, while they may seem right to do so, doing this grants them a power that can and is often abused.

 

Also, as Clep said, she cannot break your relationship, only you two can do that at her pressure, if you don't learn how to deal with it.

While she may have put pressure on it, the breakup is on you two.

[darkmoon]

leave the family home if you want to protect your relationship, or stay if you want to stay put forever and argue with your sister

 

imho, i see sibling rivalry, hatred emoted, that you aren't averse to seeing more of, i started thinking this halfway thru your carefully detailed description of what you don't like about her

 

imho, why can't your girlfriend just smile and talk to her less and just give polite responses? is she in on the sibling rivalry thing too, the hatred, making your sister dislike her in return?

 

walk away instead, move out

Edited April 22, 2013 by darkmoon