I don't know how to deal with my mother anymore

[blugirl]

I need help.... such a bad beginning of the day, it just snapped the last straw for me. I'm sorry it's so long but I need to give a good background for the situation. Please bear with me. I need thoughts.

 

I'm so so so so so so sick and tired of my mum being controlling, overbearing, behaving as if she owned me, criticising me, making me feel inferior .... I could go on and on.

 

I barely got out of bed in the morning when I heard her telling the grandma off for criticising her choice of sheets and telling the grandma she just can't accept other people's choices and imposes her views on others, criticising, if they have a different opinion, being a "terrorist", etc... yet not even 5 mins later she was displaying exactly same behaviour towards me. How ironic, you see the flaws of others, yet you can't see them in yourself, huh?

 

It was the n-th time she was being mean to me by criticising my fringe and my looks, claiming I look awful in it and not only that - every so often when she sees me in a hairband, she purposely compliments that 'oh now your face looks so pretty without those "tatters/shreds" hanging over your eyes' just to piss me off cause she knows I hate it when she does it. I hate it because in that way she's just trying to impose her way on me, trying to bend me until I break mentally and cut off the fringe... really, is she such an idiot to believe I will do something just because she wants it?

 

But it's not the biggest issue here - it's the fact that she can't accept my choices and uses a mental terror to make me do what she wants, how mean is that...? I can't take it anymore. How ironic is ,that me, a person who needs her freedom in every aspect of life like the air to breathe, is being made by her own mother to feel suffocated, like in an invisible cage?

 

I want to break free from that cage so badly, but the worst thing is, I've realised the problem won't stop when I move out, even on the other side of the world. Because every time I will contact her, she will keep criticising and being the same. Every time something important in my life will happen, if she doesn't like it, she will criticise and destroy/spoil my happiness. I am 100% sure that when she meets my bf, who I want to marry (Asian, and my mum is a bit racist), when I will be choosing my wedding gown, when I will be raising my kids, etc, whatever the thing will be - all of that, she will heavily criticise, that's a given. Anything I will do in a future (which will surely be against her view because it is like that 95% of the time), I will have to deal with her and damage my nerves, she will destroy the happiness of those events for me. Just the thought of it is making me want to sit down and cry.

 

I've realised how twisted she is. On one side she's a caring mother who was willing to sacrifice things just to make my life better and caring to provide whatever I needed/wanted ... but most of the time nowadays she's her alter ego - childish, mean witch, malicious, jealous, purposely making me feel inferior, criticising and enjoying herself when I'm crying because of her comments. Yes, you've read it right. She's ENJOYING it. Once I had this situation when I still didn't know how to be in control of a conversation and not to let her piss me off to get an advantage, and I broke in a real fury, screaming at the top of my lungs and contradicting her words until I started to cry. And she was clearly enjoying escalating it and LAUGHED, when she went out, leaving me alone. I was crying so hard, thinking how own mother can be such an a**hole. That's how mean my mother is ON PURPOSE.

 

I don't know why is she doing it, is she jealous of me and enjoys hurting me, or doesn't she just know any better?

 

But I certainly won't get over her mental terror and criticising me just to make everything her way. She treats me like a child, though I'm an adult. She seems not to bloody understand that she should let me be and make my own choices, and RESPECT them. Does she have a brain damage or something, not being able to understand such a simple thing? She just wont let me be. I want to scream, leave me alone and let me live my life the way I want, dress how I want, etc.

 

I feel so sorry for myself to have such a mean mother. But at the same time I realise I don't want to feel sorry for myself cause that would mean I'm putting myself in a victim's position, and I don't want that.

 

But I still have no idea how to deal with this or how to solve it. Seems like a normal discussion face to face is out of question, cause not only I've tried it , failing, many times but she's the type of person who just isnt willing to hear you out, she only wants to convey her message and wouldnt tape her mouth shut to hear your concerns. So pitiful.

 

I'm telling myself to not mind it and just accept it cause she won't change. But, you see, I can't. I need to find a way to cope with it, to solve it somehow. I dont want to damage my nerves every time I talk to her in the future. But I don't know how.

 

And why can't the tears stop falling from my eyes, when I'm writing this...

 

Oh, and it came down to the situation, where, when I'm complimented (also for my fringe!! like lately a friend did) from others for something, which is usually criticised at home I'm like, 'wow really...? you like it...?' - cause I got used to being criticised so much I cant even believe that what I wear or do can actually be good... how pitiful is that.

But thank God for those instances, made me realise I'm not that bad like I would seem to be according to my mum or grandma and that helps me to feel confident and feel good about myself. Even my aunt and cousin, when they were witnessing one of our arguments lately, their eyes went wide when they heard what my mother was saying.... they told her 'how can you be like that to her, how can you say such things...?'..... my cousin told me she feels sorry for me to have to deal with such a mother. I think that speaks for itself....

Why can't she be like my dad who just accepts my choices and supports me?

 

Anyone in a similar situation? Help, please? How can I distance myself from it and not care anymore? What can I say to her or do every time she starts bending me mentally down so she shuts up or maybe even understands what is she doing and stops....? I'm so mentally tired, so tired.....

[Radu]

Don't feel sorry for yourself for having a 'mean' mother because a victim does not have a choice, so you need to stop thinking of yourself as one.

You are not a victim because you are here.

You came here because she is trying to push her view of things, her reality on you, and it is not taking.

So you are questioning things.

Which is a good thing.

 

In regards to why she is doing this, it's simple.

Because her own mother [your grandmother] did it to her.

 

That's how it sometimes goes.

Mothers do it to their daughters/sons, who in turn do it to their children.

 

The fact that you are here, questioning this, not letting this be just something that works in the background of your mind [your subconscious], is a damn good thing.

It means that if you decide to not be like her, you will not be like her.

You can break the cycle.

 

You need to read a book called Toxic Parents.

[blugirl]

Ha! You know, now I've realised that we actually have a book called 'toxic people' at home and, ironically enough, my mother bought it a few years ago..... learning NOTHING from it. She has bought so many psychological books but I have the impression she has only learned how to manipulate people instead of improving herself. Heck, once I've found a book entitled 'how to change people' and I felt my blood boiling....she just doesn't get the idea that she can't make others do what they want or to project her wishes onto her child's life.... sigh

[bluegreen]

Hello Doll

HUGS

 

You did a good smart thing good girl for coming here and realizing whats up.

Would you believe it took me a ten years to figure this out and that I was more of a beloved pet when I "behaved" then daughter.

Oh and sentence was meant for life serve her and her needs she was and still is to ignorant lazy and plays poor me unable to do and learn well just imagine how I went a.... **** when the light finaly hit me.

 

One time in her rage fit she actually threw it in my face how she hates me because I have had everything and let it all go yeah EXCEPT FREEDOM.

And sad thing is am not sure does she pretend not to get that or really it does not and yes it runs in the family but as radu says she had a choice to.

 

She choses still to cling to them as evil and snakes they are and I washed my hands of them she despises me for that but it wont change anything.

As you said you can't run fast enough or fun enough sometimes it makes me wanna scream to a high heaven when I remember that but nothing can last forever can it.

 

Radu is right a bit hard but he is on a inside really decent person

Keep comming back doll keep writing it will help ...

[2sure]

It sounds like your mom is very much like her own mother. And that's what happens...I told myself so many times I would be different than my own mother. But now the problems I currently have with my own daughter...are often the same as between my mom and myself.

 

So, break the cycle. Figure it out. By doing that you will find a way to communicate with your Mom and to deal with it when you can't. If you don't...your daughter will one day be in your place.

 

It's tough.

[bluegreen]

Yap thats right but some mothers actually have something rotten inside her.

If you guys read my post and come back to this you will see following.

They bully control manipulate lie and attack or insult degrade and emotionaly when they can't get their way.

When you push back they ease up back off in the heart they are weak cowards who express their self loathing and hate on to us it took me a long time to figure this out and it still does not work well for me.

 

ps: As I said proof is my post

I got attention gifts and few things today after calling her on her BS in front of her friend and embarassing crap out of her.

They "fear" not being if not adored then liked by everyone its like food for them.

So try that see if it works but for the love all holly DONT BUY INTO IT