My Family's Obsession With Mexican Food Has Been A Bane To My Existence For 25 Years

[TG4MJ]

I don't know how else to say it. As a child I dealt with it because I was a child and everything is still new to you at that age but as time progressed and I befriended other children who talked about mcdonald's happy meals, and ice cream, and parties at Peter Piper Pizza, Often I would ask my parents if we could eat at the different places other kids would tell me about. Inevitably this would result in them practically snarling at me and insinuating that wanting to eat at these other places made me an over demanding spoiled brat as well as a generic "there are starving kids in China and you don't wanna eat your food!?!?!" anecdote which I guess was pretty popular in the 80's. I don't see what I was doing wrong, I mean the other kids got to eat at these different places and I just wanted to do what other kids do, fairly common at that age. As a teenager my mother developed a very dark and sinister obsession with a mexican restraunt that we ended up going to every sunday from the summer of 1995 up until early 2008. The fact that I grew to hate this restraunt after about two years later combined with her inability to understand the mental distress going there caused me lead to some of the nastiest parent/child clashes of my teenage years, constant ridicule from my classmates, and digestive problems that teenagers don't normally experience. It also lead to my mother going as far as having me see several teen shrinks because she felt my dislike for mexican food made me a mental defective. I politely but emphatically explained to everyone I saw that I simply got tired of going to the same place every Sunday and just didn't like it to which she would melodramatically sob and talk about how she just didn't understand why I didn't like her precious favorite restraunt or how going there could fill me with so much rage. From around ages 18 to 25 guys who I thought were my friends used my dislike for mexican food, which by now had become a full on pathological hatred, as a weapon. They would often park in front of a mexican restraunt and make me do things like buy them alcohol or video games, or fight people they wanted to see me fight simply because it would entertain them, by saying if I didn't comply with their request we would eat at that restraunt everyday until I complied. Yes, I know how messed up that sounds but around the time they were doing this, we were going to that same MFing restraunt anywhere from two or three times a week and I was basically prepared to avoid mexican food at all costs, even if it meant losing out some hard earned money or being their little blood sport boy.

 

The final straw came in Christmas of 2012, when I was dating a woman who is not particularly fond of mexican food herself. As a result I asked my family if just one time we could have a cherry glazed ham (her request) rather than the traditional tamales, beans, and tortilla chips with homemade salsa (that's their idea of a Christmas dinner). I was told I would be taken care of and breathed a little easier knowing that for the first time, well, ever I would finally have a REAL Christmas dinner. Low and behold, on Christmas Eve of 2012 I arrive to our get together only to be immediately pulled aside and condescended on by my entire family, who claimed that they heard I didn't want to eat tamales and beans so instead they all pitched in and bought..... wait for it..... BBQ BRISKET AND SAUSAGE ! Which apparently had been in the fridge for quite some time. I was tasked with having to call this woman I was seeing and telling her that there would be no cherry glazed ham here but we had brisket and sausage instead. She spent the next 45 minutes cursing me out and racially slurring me before demanding I never speak to her again. Trying to visit her lead to getting assaulted by her sister, which lead to me snapping and skull thumping three men that made the mistake of ridiculing me for getting a shiner from a female, which lead to severe cosmetic damage on a very elegant and expensive Irish imported shillelagh. As of this writing, she still refuses to speak to me. I was and still am devastated by it all. My family thought the events of that night were hillarious and have for the most part remained unapologetic about ruining things between me and this woman.

 

Needless to say, mexican food has been a bane to my existence for well over twenty five years now and I am at a loss on how to deal with it. I mean it's not very appetizing to begin with and the memories tied to it make it impossible for me to at least try and enjoy. Any attempt to emphasize this to my family is met with them simply marginalizing me as a mental defective or even a traitor to my own ethnicity. They are completely oblivious to how unhealthy this obsession of theirs truly is and how distressing it is to me. I am at an absolute loss on how to deal with it. Has anyone else had to deal with a very ethnocentric and monocultural family before ? What can compell someone to be so fixated on something with no reguard to how it affects their own loved ones ?

[january2011]

If the food is part of your ethnic and cultural heritage, it is not surprising that your family don't understand. Especially since it is a preference and not a health issue, e.g., severe allergies.

 

Having said that, to be honest, I don't see what the problem is. I don't mean to sound dismissive, but if you are not living at home, don't go there to eat and don't eat out with them if it's at a Mexican restaurant. That is, schedule all your get-togethers with your family at non-mealtimes.

 

They have a right to choose what they want to eat in their own home and you have a right to choose what you want to eat. While it is ungracious of them as hosts to not offer you alternatives, it is also ungracious of you to complain about the food that you are being offered as a guest. So, as I wrote above, don't go there to eat.

[ana0pera]

I am vegetarian. No one else in my family is. Fortunately they are very accomodating, but I never assume that they will accommodate me. For holidays, I always bring/make at least one vegetarian main dish to please me; they are welcomed to it as well. I suggest you do the same at future family gatherings that involve food. It is inconvenient to accommodate special dietary requests, especially when it's because of preference and not health and the food that you don't want has cultural significance to your family. Don't make it a bigger issue than it is (i don't see why it's an issue, IMO) and it wont cause more drama.

 

That said, I love Mexican food and I am curious, what about it do you not like? Is it the type of Mexican food your family makes/the kind at this restaurant in particular? Mexican food is very diverse and maybe there is something you like, and you just don't know it yet because you haven't been exposed to it. I come from a Southern family, for example, and grew up hating kale and collard greens. Kale is my favourite vegetable now, just because I found a new way to prepare it. I also didn't grow up with foods like shrimp and grits, which I really like, and is very Southern, but just wasn't on my family's rotation (even though they all like it too). Who knows, maybe you could find something that is Mexican that you and your family will love!

[Radu]

OP, quite frankly i think they are quite pig headed ppl from your description of them.

 

However, you are now at least 25, a grownup.

You can make your own decisions.

But you are a welcome mat.

You were a welcome mat when your friends convinced you to fight, you were a welcome mat that night when they sabotaged your relationship and you are still a welcome mat now.

The phone to her was done with your consensus, it was done by you ... these ppl are making fun at your expense and you are fine along for the ride ?

 

You can b*tch, you can whine, you can pout but untill you show them some form of 'punishment' for their deeds, untill you draw that line in the sand and provide consequences, you will not be taken seriously.

You will continue to be ridiculed by you friends, by your family and finally you will continue to go for the crazies in women.

[TG4MJ]

@ January - Actually it is a health issue, eating it makes me physically ill and being around it is mentally distressing. Surely you can't be serious about dismissing that ? Plus if I avoided them at meal times I'd have to avoid them all together as those are the only times my family invites me to meet them. They practically back me into a corner by inviting me to get togethers of importance, from them my options are to either refuse going all together and get accused of not wanting to spend time with my family or going and being treated as an ungracious guest for refusing to eat their food. No offense but it all goes back to how they assume my not liking mexican food makes me a mental defective of some kind in their eyes.

 

@ anaopera - I just don't like it, it's unhealthy, it tastes disgusting, it makes me sick to my stomach, and frankly it's an embarassment as it is 2013 and ethnocentrism and monoculturalism are now frowned upon more than ever. Oh, and you think mexican food is diverse but it's not. Mexican restraunts around here all get their stuff from the same distributor so no matter which one you go to it's not just the same menu but the exact same ingredients over, and over, and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again the rice, the beans, the meats, the spices, etc, all the same no matter where you go. Plus as I told January, there's the psychological aspect and how I associate mexican food with twenty five years of absolute disaster. I don't want to eat something that makes me remember stuff like what I just described and mexican food is a trigger. If I choose to lighten up to it then it will be on my terms, shoving it in my face every chance you get is not going to change this and that's just how it is.

 

@ radu - Exactly what am I supposed to do to, as you put it, "punish them for their deeds" ? I'm not fine with this at all, but what am I supposed to do ? Locking horns with them on this matter would be senseless as it would be a conflict of one against many. Please, do clarify, how exactly should I "draw that line in the sand" and make my ultimate stand ?

[AlexDP]

I was tasked with having to call this woman I was seeing and telling her that there would be no cherry glazed ham here but we had brisket and sausage instead. She spent the next 45 minutes cursing me out and racially slurring me before demanding I never speak to her again. Trying to visit her lead to getting assaulted by her sister, which lead to me snapping and skull thumping three men that made the mistake of ridiculing me for getting a shiner from a female, which lead to severe cosmetic damage on a very elegant and expensive Irish imported shillelagh. As of this writing, she still refuses to speak to me. I was and still am devastated by it all. My family thought the events of that night were hillarious and have for the most part remained unapologetic about ruining things between me and this woman.

 

The events were pretty hilarious. And you're blaming your family? After this girl racially slurred you and you were attacked by her sister?

 

She's a nutter and you're scared.

[Citizen Erased]

I'm pretty sure I've read this before. Sorry things haven't improved...

[dreamingoftigers]

This is totally whacked.

 

I was wondering if you were trolling. (sorry)

 

Honestly. I think seeing an EMDR therapist to overcome the family shaming and controlling and micromanaging of your emotions and perceptions would be very helpful.

 

This is most likely not the only issue that they have been overbearing, damaging and inappropriate about.

 

As well there is a decent book called Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to say No by Cloud and Townshend.

 

A mother wailing and sobbing about a child's taste for a particular restaurant reminds me a great, great deal of my mother-in-law who is completely emotionally unregulated.

 

Very damaging to be around. And it seems that you have the same issues that usually follow sons of overbearing and emotionally unregulated women, you are susceptible to being very controlled and manipulated by others demands and emotions.

 

It makes sense though. Think about it. You have been shown by your mother that you aren't even allowed to have a differing OPINION about what your favorite food is! It sends a clear message to you: YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS ARE LESS IMPORTANT THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S IRRATIONAL DEMANDS.

 

You've probably gotten that message your whole life because of your own mother's fears, insecurities and immaturity. And since that message has been repeated enough, it has actually given you a huge amount of anxiety and crippled your ability to stand up for yourself, even in dangerous and abusive situations.

 

Time to head over to a counselor and say screw it to the tacos.

 

Google a lot about anxiety and how it functions etc. My husband has terrible, terrible anxiety and a deep fear of being controlled. His mother sounds just like yours. Same types of excuses. Totally ridiculous.

[CarrieT]

In light of this statement:

Actually it is a health issue, eating it makes me physically ill and being around it is mentally distressing.

I would heartily suggest some deep therapy. I am serious. Your family has helped develop a serious phobia that is only going to become exacerbated as you continue in life.

 

I just don't like it, it's unhealthy, it tastes disgusting, it makes me sick to my stomach, and frankly it's an embarassment as it is 2013 and ethnocentrism and monoculturalism are now frowned upon more than ever. Oh, and you think mexican food is diverse but it's not.

I believe you are being very myopic in this view and statement. It is entirely possible that the Mexican restaurants in your area are not diverse and are not healthy, but famous chefs like Rick Bayless has proven there is a myriad of very healthy and alternative options within the Mexican food spectrum. Heck, he event was hired to cook the White House state dinner for the President and the Mexican president. Don't tell me what was offered at that meal was not diverse.

 

Why I bring this up is that if you want to bridge the gap with your family, you could take the bold step of meeting them in the middle: Learn how to cook some healthy, variable alternatives within the Mexican food spectrum of its cuisine that wouldn't be so abhorrent to you.

 

The difficulty with this is that you are going to need to get over the phobia aspect of your problem and that hearkens back to therapy. You will obviously have to want to deal with the issues within your family dynamic that has made Mexican food so hateful to you.

 

I speak from experience in this regard: I grew up on the beaches of San Diego and was continually molested as a pre-teen and teenager when I went to the beach. It became a phobia for me that I refused to go and my mother would insist that any girl my age should be grateful to be able to live at the beach. She did not believe that I was always abused and fondled by strangers when I went there which caused a deep-seated hatred of the beach. It took years of aversion-therapy to move beyond my beach phobia AND those issues with my mother. It is possible - but you have to make the steps yourself and come to terms with the issues at hand, without expecting the members of your family to help you in that endeavor.

 

Good luck.

[Radu]

 

@ radu - Exactly what am I supposed to do to, as you put it, "punish them for their deeds" ? I'm not fine with this at all, but what am I supposed to do ? Locking horns with them on this matter would be senseless as it would be a conflict of one against many. Please, do clarify, how exactly should I "draw that line in the sand" and make my ultimate stand ?

 

Where the line in the sand has to be drawn is up to your sense of what you can and cannot stand.

The punishment should be something that matters to them.

 

How can I, a stranger on the interwebs see what goes on in your life ?

I go by what you post, and so far Carrie, DOT were spot on with this one.

What i would personally do ... is cut them off if i was in your situation.

Time spent with the family should be happy, not full of anxiety and anger.

[ana0pera]

Oh, and you think mexican food is diverse but it's not. Mexican restraunts around here all get their stuff from the same distributor so no matter which one you go to it's not just the same menu but the exact same ingredients over, and over, and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again the rice, the beans, the meats, the spices, etc, all the same no matter where you go. Plus as I told January, there's the psychological aspect and how I associate mexican food with twenty five years of absolute disaster. I don't want to eat something that makes me remember stuff like what I just described and mexican food is a trigger. If I choose to lighten up to it then it will be on my terms, shoving it in my face every chance you get is not going to change this and that's just how it is.

 

Mexican cuisine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mexican food IS diverse. You can't deny that. The stuff you're getting in US restaurants, probably not, but the actual food FOUND in Mexico is. I was in Veracruz a few months ago and the food was very similar to dishes I'd eaten at Spanish and Cuban restaurants. NOTHING like the Mexican food I have here in California. Nothing like the food I had in Baja (which is more similar to the stuff I've had in the U.S). Just like Chinese food in the US is nothing like Chinese food in China. I was suggesting that it could prove beneficial to you to learn more about different types of Mexican cuisines, maybe you'd find something you like. Or you can abandon Mexican food altogether if you think it'd be better for your state of mind.

 

I know Mexican food can be unhealthy. And exposure to food/being forced to eat things you don't want can be traumatizing. My family tried pressuring me to eat some really gross meats when I was younger and I never did, and the thought of it grosses me out. That tradition is definitely dying with my mom's generation and maybe I should feel bad about it but I don't. Now that I am on my own I don't cook a lot of the "ethnic" foods I grew up around, even the ones I like, because I don't find them terribly healthy. I do like to cook though and enjoy appropriating the concept of Southern food and making it my own. Like vegan mac and cheese. There is this vegan Mexican restaurant in San Francisco that is really good, Mexican, and healthy. I've gone there with Mexicans who love traditional Mexican food, and they love it. With a bit more devotion Mexican food, like Soul food, can be made healthy and delicious.

 

I second the suggestion that you seek therapy, it is obvious that this is causing a lot of distress and everyone has been using food against you (both friends and family) for a long time, which is not right. I don't think you can change what is served at family functions in the home (although you can start bringing your own food to share and have to ensure that at least you will be getting something you like) but you can try suggesting different restaurants to go to. My family is similar to your's in that there are like 3 restaurants they want to go to, and while I am ok with all of them they are not my favorite places to eat. Sometimes you need to compromise. But they need to compromise too. Talking to a therapist might be a good way to brainstorm how to discuss these matters with your family. This is a delicate issue as this food is part of your cultural identity so your task is even harder. I wish you the best of luck, though!