1924 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 her mother is going to prison for one year for forgery related charges. I am wondering if I should take me 14 year old daughter to visit her but I am not sure if I want her to be in that kind of environment it has nothing really to do with the mother. She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did so that is why I am still willing to stick by her. (though some might feel this is wrong since she committed a crime) And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment or anything either, it is really only the type of environment. Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .Which would just be a stressful thing. I even heard her express a kind of joy at her mother being locked up and having to take orders from other people. While that is understandable since she did commit a crime, since her mother has shown remorse for what she did and clearly still cares for her daughter, I think eventually it needs to be put behind us. If I do decide to take her what should I say to her beforehand? Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I think that this would be something to discuss with a family counselor who has experience in this type of issue. I can't imagine it would be good for her to not see her mom for a year either but I understand your hesitantion. I'd be upset at her joy/glee at the idea that her mom has to listen to other people's orders. That does not bode well for a healed relationship in the future, and I'd have told her that it's an inappropriate response. That she may have made a mistake, but it is one she is paying the penalty for, that actions have consequences and that she is STILL and will always be her mother. That just because someone makes a poor choice does not mean that who they are is any different. Yeah. Counseling, family counseling if you can before your wife goes in. Even better if she were allowed to attend some type of family counseling while in, that might satisfy both issues. She could still see her mom, and at the same time, in a counselors office and not a prison setting. Best of luck to you. That has to be a hard situation. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 At 14, your daughter is old enough to understand the crime her mother committed. You may want to give the choice to your daughter, whether she wants to visit her mother or not. If she chooses not to, honour her choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 People make mistakes. And your ex decided to not defend hers but instead be accountable. Also, any time a law is broken you roll the dice and depend on your attorney more than justice. I'd let her go visit if she wants to. It's a life lesson that should remove her smirk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1924 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 People make mistakes. And your ex decided to not defend hers but instead be accountable. Also, any time a law is broken you roll the dice and depend on your attorney more than justice. I'd let her go visit if she wants to. It's a life lesson that should remove her smirk. I am still married to her actually Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Good! I hope you love her and this experience makes you both better people. It can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1924 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Good! I hope you love her and this experience makes you both better people. It can. in what way Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Your daughter is 14, so she should be able to have a say regarding whether or not she wants to visit her Mother. This is her reality and even if you want to shield her from it, you can't. I think you can ask your daughter how she wants to handle the situation- she's old enough to contribute in family matters at this stage of life, so just ask her what she thinks about everything. If you let your daughter have a say in how to handle this, she'll appreciate it down the road, I guarantee it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) Is your daughter reluctant to visit her mother - while your wife is asking to see her? What are the wishes of each of them? Never mind. I just re-read and see your wife hasn't gone to prison yet? Is she still living in the home? Edited March 2, 2013 by UpwardForward Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 in what way Well, I'm thinking that this is a crisis, a turning point. Every life has them. Every family. We all grow from our experiences. And in this case ...the mistake is being answered for. Yes, this is a devastating negative experience that didn't have to happen. But there is an end date. A family could grow more supportive and tighter during this ...or not. But either way, the change it results in ...you have to find a way to make that change a positive one...or at least be that will lead to something healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1924 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Well, I'm thinking that this is a crisis, a turning point. Every life has them. Every family. We all grow from our experiences. And in this case ...the mistake is being answered for. Yes, this is a devastating negative experience that didn't have to happen. But there is an end date. A family could grow more supportive and tighter during this ...or not. But either way, the change it results in ...you have to find a way to make that change a positive one...or at least be that will lead to something healthy. that is what I have been hearing, do you have some more tips on this? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I don't have anything from my own personal experience. I can tell you that my profession is related to the political machine, so I know people who have been imprisoned . I've seen good people who have taken accountability for a crime someone else did , lose their families. Ive seen basically criminals get their hands slapped and one out looking like heroes. I do think that when something like this happens, you don't hide it, you don't shy away from the embarrassing situation it is. Be up front about it. Your kids will take your lead. Gotta be a very hard thing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elenor34 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I don't agree that the criminal mother needs support. that would be sending the wrong message, that it's ok to be a criminal, because we all love you regardless. Not a good lesson for a child to learn. It's sad that a mother is so selfish that she choses to be a criminal. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 They do love her regardless. 1924 - You are in one helluva pickle. I feel bad that you have been put in this position where you even have to think of this stuff. I really dislike the idea of bringing a child into a jail. I dont think it is good for them at all. Unfortunately, you cannot take that choice away from your daughter. My husband went through similar experiences with his father and to be honest, it sounds like his father was more extreme because he was never around, but it hurt my husband deeply. I think no dad is better than a really bad one. His father was missing for most of his life. His mother let him choose to see his dad in jail when he was 15. He remembers going in seeing his fathers hands broken, and he was rough looking. That experience is one my husband speaks of often and one I wish he never had to speak about or hurt over ever again. It was not right in the situation and I really feel upset his mother would have allowed it. I know it is hard to stop a 14 year old, and she may resent you, but she also may thank you and understand just the same. Yes, she is 14 and can think for herself, but she is still a child under your roof. You are here to protect her, even if it means from her own mother. To be honest, I am not sure what to say or how to approach this. I would struggle deeply with this. It does depend on the situation. Your daughter is old enough to think for herself and make decisions BUT her brain hasnt even finished growing yet. She does not understand choices she makes now could severely impact her in the future. This is a grown up decision in my mind, and she isnt a grown up yet. Right now, she does not have the ability to foresee the consequences of her actions, although she can speak, walk, and act as if she were a grown up. I think you do need to help guide her in this decision when you figure out yourself what is right for you and your family. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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