My parents are tearing my girlfriend and I's relationship apart

[Jersey-Guy]

I'm 24/m in a long distance relationship with 24/f, single mom of a 6 year old girl. We met online (please reserve judgement) about a year ago now. We've had ups and downs because long distance is hard, but we love each other. Lots of Skyping and staying in touch, we're constantly talking on skype actually. We know each other very well. Our distance isn't too terrible because we're in the same country and it isn't that expensive to make a trip.

 

It's a long story, sorry for that. But here goes. TL;DR is at the bottom though.

 

I go to school; college right now, they pay for my schooling (not in debt, they have a hefty inheritance as well) and I'm taking the least-expensive route. I have a job; actually I built my own business as well and I put away every penny. I don't make millions of dollars or anything though, obviously. I'm just very frugal. I don't go out partying or drinking, ever. I've never done drugs. My car rarely leaves the driveway except to go to school, and I own my own new car from 3 years because I bought it outright. I'm practically glued to this computer chair because my business is online, and I do a lot of work for college online as well since my major is computers. I don't pay rent although I do pay for the phone/internet/etc so that's kind of like a low rent since it's around $130 a month. My parents do not get along with eachother and that sucks, they never have. But I have a stable life here and I love them both.

 

Unfortunately, my parents have hated the relationship from day #1. Jokes would be cracked about it, especially about me being a potential stepdad and I never appreciated it but I just stayed quiet. As a result, I didn't talk about her much.

 

Eventually, we have our first meet after 10 months of knowing eachother. We would have met sooner, but we had a falling out with the first trip and so it didn't happen. She only came for 4 days, but my mother had a fit over it. Every excuse was made to keep me from seeing her and I had to kind of push to get the time that I did. She got banned from coming by the house because my mother said all of this was so wrong. After that, she was unbanned from the house and I was told they didn't want to keep me from her.

 

At the end of it all my dad tells me he thinks this "isn't the girl for me" and that I need to think about that, as well as my mother giving me problems. I think about breaking up with her because of all of the pressure but after she leaves I can't do it. I continue to talk to her until one day my father confronts me and asks why I'm still talking to her, then proceeds to tell me that my mother let him know that I still was and he said "it sounds like you're just getting yourself deeper into this and you're not 'handling it.'"

 

It comes to the point that I write a heartfelt letter to the both of my parents have them sit down. I state that I respect and love them much, and that I understand they may not like her, I tell them I continue to want to see her and that she was planning on coming up for a week in February and that I wanted to be able to spend time with her exploring New York City and spend nights with her in her hotel room. I even told them if they did not want her in the house I'll respect that but I did ask for reconsideration. I also said that I really didn't want to have to lose them because I'm with someone they don't they like - i.e. I don't want to have to choose between them and her and they were like oh we'll never make you choose, don't worry we love you.

 

So she came for a week and we spent most of our time at her room and going to the city / showing her things in my area. We had an AMAZING time together. It couldn't have been better really. Except for me losing her camera, but oh well, I replaced it.Well, after the week things are now exponentially worse.

 

This everyone that I was told. I'll lay it all out:

 

1. I'm going to get her pregnant and then she'll keep it and I'll be "chained" to her for life. And she's looking at me as the "meal ticket" because of my business. This is just not true, she doesn't want any more children and having them would screw things up for her, I was told straight up that it would have to be aborted if an accident happened. This conversation has been over so many times. She's on birth control and we use condoms and all that.

 

2. I "lied" about her being in school for nursing apparently. Because my mother talked to him and told her that the program she's doing doesn't even exist. This isn't true because I've been shown the program and yes, she actually is in school working toward getting her LPN and then RN, as well as BSN but that will take her some time. It's a program through her college. She works full time as CMT in a nursing home. She has school mondays and wednesdays, but whatever, it's just somehow not real nursing school.

 

3. Her child has OCD; where she gets upset if certain things in her environment changes do I really want to be stuck with someone whose children have a disorder? I understand this point really, but I also have seen her daughter on skype before and it's not really bad at all.

 

4. Neither of us are rushing at ALL into getting married. We don't want that. At least 4 or 5 years before such things. No matter what I say, I'm told "yeah I don't believe she wants to wait, and we'll just have to see about that as time goes on. she wants to marry quickly, I guarauntee it. and you'll just do it." And then I tell them it's been discussed many times and that because it was even discussed it's bad. Fact is, we both wanted to talk about it to make sure we were on the same page regarding that. She frowns on people who marry too fast because she's seen it all too often end in divorce. No offense to those who married earlier at all and have a great relationship, but we're just taking it slow.

 

5. They say this girl has a history of rushing into things and I'm just the next thing for her to rush into and screw up. (IE: having a child at young age out of wedlock.) I get it that having a child out of wedlock at a young age is frowned upon. It's not something I would have done at her age myself. But I don't really feel like she should be damned for this forever. Obviously she thought he would stick around since he said he would, but then he bailed quickly because it wasn't a boy... ouch. Since then, he got with a single mom who has a boy of the same age. :\

 

6. They hated how she behaved at the table for the nights we had dinner there. Like how she would sit close to me and hold my hand under the table and then one time we did a little peck type kiss. They were like what the heck, you weren't raised that way. I felt like crap. I noticed that even if I was around them even at the beginning of the week if I held her hand, they just looked away. Either way it's funny that table manners at all are mentioned when horribly inappropriate topics are brought up all the time, and my dad instigated one when he said "oh I'm sure you did a lot more in that hotel earlier" to a comment made about getting all settled in there. We swear at the table, my parents have fought at the table, I just don't really want to hear it when my girlfriend really said and did nothing bad.

 

7. They claimed that she did not always say goodbye or hi when entering or exiting the house with me. She says she did but I know my dad's kind of hard of hearing. On the other hand I'm not really sure about this and I don't know what to say. It's not something I paid attention to. She didn't feel very comfortable being in my house because they hate her so I wouldn't be surprised...

 

8. At first, Dad had no problem that the first time she came up here that she left her child with her mother/the kid's grandma for a few days to visit. He said it wasn't so bad and that he'd have taken a weekend off or a week off if it was possible. My mother was so pissed and told me she was horrible mom for leaving her kid which is what lead her to being banned from the house. My parents have literally never taken a vacation without us, never took a weekend without us, never did... a damn thing without my brother or I. Ever. So this is their perspective here. Like I said, near in mind that my parents relationship sucks and always has, there is no relationship there. They've just existed and stayed together pretty much for us. So around 4 1/2 months later she takes the week long trip here - now my Dad is on her side. There's good reasons she didn't bring her child - it was still early to expose me to her personally and we wanted to spend more quality time in person together. Me flying out to her to do this was going to be impossible because of my parents, so she made the move herself.

 

9. When she was here she wanted to talk to them about me visiting her this summer. It never happened, I knew it would be bad anyway. But she brought it up in the car with my Dad about talking to my mother about it, and my Dad goes "oh boy that's going to be a big fight with his mother" and she goes "well I'll help fight for him." Boy oh boy did I get crap for that one.

 

And now we're at a point where our next meeting is supposed to be in the summer, I wanted to go visit for like a month and then maybe stay a bit longer if I felt like it. I usually just spend my summers inside working on my business, or studying in an online summer class, so really it would be no different for me than being at home. But this is a huge problem. I overheard them saying that if I go there and come back and expect my life to not be different, I have another thing coming. My mom was just like "What are you going to do there really? Go to the carnival? Get bit by snakes? Oh yeah that's just great." Then my Dad finally told this directly to my face. This was so hurtful. I'm at a loss as to what the hell to even do here. I hate spending time around them sometimes now because it's just miserable. I don't even bring her up and it gets instigated at random times because "I don't want to ever confront or talk about anything."

 

TL;DR - My over protective parents hate my relationship. Long distance relationship. Some valid points, others are just misunderstandings I think. At this point I'm being threatened that my life is going to change here, and for the worst, if I go to visit her for two weeks or for a month in the summer. She's banned from visiting my home now. My relationship with my parents is going down the crapper. I feel like I can't solve anything and the more I talk the worse things get. Any advice here? My girlfriend doesn't really know what to do either. She has one idea apparently, but I don't know what it is because she wants to think about it some more before making a decision. I'm brainstorming myself.

 

Also, if you think I'm being an idiot here, hit me hard if you want. I'm up for alternative view points and questions.

 

Thanks.

Edited March 1, 2013 by Jersey-Guy

[Survivor12]

Putting the gf issue aside for a moment, I have to say that it is commendable that you are frugal, studious and not a "party guy". However, at 24 years old, it seems to me to be a bit unhealthy to not be exploring life a bit more than you are. In your detailed post, you do not mention having any kind of a social life or having interests outside of the screen of your computer.

 

As for your gf, personally, I must admit that I do not understand relationships that exist primarily online. I am not saying that they don't work for some people (such as yourself), but for me, having infrequent personal interaction is much too limiting. For example, you say that from what you've seen on Skype, your gf's child seems to be fine when in fact, you have never met the child, let alone spent time with him/her. As a parent, I can tell you that there is a great deal you do not know until you've had the experience.

 

You have also not had the opportunity to see how your gf interacts with her own family and friends which can offer a great deal of insight into who she really is as a person....you've only seen her as the person she has chosen to be to you.

 

Also, you say that your gf does not want more children. So, what about you? You are only 24 years old! Believe me when I tell you that what you may think and feel now may very well change over the next 10-15 years.

 

As far as your parents, I can certainly understand their concern. Since, as you have said, they have their own issues, they may be particularly sensitive about seeing you end up in an unhappy relationship/marriage. While some of their reasons may be petty or not completely valid, the bottom line is that they love you and want the best for you.

 

Even so, you are an adult and your relationship choices are your business (although, as long as you are living in your parents home & they are supporting you, you do have some obligation to hearing their opinions and respecting what goes on within their home) and you are responsible for making decisions that will affect the rest of your life so it is very important that you make wise and thoughtful choices.

 

My advice to you is this--Do not let yourself become so wrapped up in this relationship that you aren't living your life fully, do not let your need to defend your relationship cause you to lose sight of the reality of the situation, do not rush into or make promises to your gf until you have actually had the opportunity to live (independently) near each other to really get to know each other on a daily basis...and finally, get out and socialize with people near you!

 

Good luck.

[Radu]

Your parents have issues.

But you probably already suspect this.

And you won't be a complete human being untill you finally stand up to your parents, untill you actually tell them they are wrong to their face.

 

What i would do, is look into getting some form of financial security.

Either sell the car and buy a cheaper one, or look for accomodations far away from them.

 

When you read that letter to them, did you see how they cowered ?

That's their thing, they become passive-agressive when faced by someone who stands his ground, and they hit below the belt with their passive-agressive statements.

 

It's a good thing you don't want to be like them, because they'll never change [most likely].

 

PS: Out of curiosity, what is your online business about ?

 

PPS: The fact that you live frugally and don't buy into consummerism will help you a lot in your life.

[Jersey-Guy]

Thanks for the thorough responses here.

 

Putting the gf issue aside for a moment, I have to say that it is commendable that you are frugal, studious and not a "party guy". However, at 24 years old, it seems to me to be a bit unhealthy to not be exploring life a bit more than you are. In your detailed post, you do not mention having any kind of a social life or having interests outside of the screen of your computer.

 

I'm somewhat of a work-a-holic and I'm introverted so yeah... I socialize with my classmates, though. I probably could do with "getting out more."

 

As for your gf, personally, I must admit that I do not understand relationships that exist primarily online. I am not saying that they don't work for some people (such as yourself), but for me, having infrequent personal interaction is much too limiting. For example, you say that from what you've seen on Skype, your gf's child seems to be fine when in fact, you have never met the child, let alone spent time with him/her. As a parent, I can tell you that there is a great deal you do not know until you've had the experience.

 

This is a very fair point. I think online relationships vary greatly, depending on how much time is put into them. Video chatting all the time is great but I also understand that things are different in person. It will change when I'm there.

 

You have also not had the opportunity to see how your gf interacts with her own family and friends which can offer a great deal of insight into who she really is as a person....you've only seen her as the person she has chosen to be to you.

 

Well that's not the case for me because I've been around when her family is there on Skype, and she works nights and doesn't have much to do so she talks to me there and I see how she treats friends/co-workers there. I've also seen how she interacts online with people as well. Yes I understand there's still differences between in-person and via the internet.

 

Also, you say that your gf does not want more children. So, what about you? You are only 24 years old! Believe me when I tell you that what you may think and feel now may very well change over the next 10-15 years.

 

It may very well change, and it may not. I have my own reasons for not wanting any children of my own. Although I get it, a lot of people my age decide "I don't want no kids!" and then want them much later. This breaks people apart, and there's no easy answer to it sometimes.

 

As far as your parents, I can certainly understand their concern. Since, as you have said, they have their own issues, they may be particularly sensitive about seeing you end up in an unhappy relationship/marriage. While some of their reasons may be petty or not completely valid, the bottom line is that they love you and want the best for you.

 

Even so, you are an adult and your relationship choices are your business (although, as long as you are living in your parents home & they are supporting you, you do have some obligation to hearing their opinions and respecting what goes on within their home) and you are responsible for making decisions that will affect the rest of your life so it is very important that you make wise and thoughtful choices.

 

I actually have considered it from both of their perspectives even though I feel they've been quite hurtful to me the entire time about it. The both of them have a crappy relationship and I guess maybe this is not what they envisioned for me.

 

I just also feel it's abusive to threaten my life here if I continue to stay with her. Then they act like oh, we don't want you to break up because of us because we don't want to take you away from who you love... and then they act different.

 

My advice to you is this--Do not let yourself become so wrapped up in this relationship that you aren't living your life fully, do not let your need to defend your relationship cause you to lose sight of the reality of the situation, do not rush into or make promises to your gf until you have actually had the opportunity to live (independently) near each other to really get to know each other on a daily basis...and finally, get out and socialize with people near you!

 

I haven't promised to marry her or anything like that. In fact I told her the priority for me is to finish school of course which I have like 2 more years of, and she has her own schooling to do as well. Her little place will be paid off in a year so it benefits her to stay there.

 

Since we've been together for over a year now, and met twice with both interactions being successful, the point of the summer trip is for me to experience being with her. We both recognize there's a huge difference between just living in a hotel for a week and then actually LIVING together, especially since she has a child. As you mentioned, you're a parent, you know what having a child is really like and I don't. I could get there and just not like the feel of the whole thing, and want to end things. It's a possibility. It's also a possibility I'll love it and we'll be fine. Granted I don't expect a month or two of living together in the summer to totally define whether this will work out for us but I definitely see why it's a good experience to have. It would also allow me to really meet her family since they don't know me personally. And yes, I could do with more socializing where I am.

 

And even if it didn't work out, I thought the experience of taking the trip could be good for me regardless. I have never ever flown on a plane because my parents never wanted me to fly for a variety of reasons. So that would be a new experience. I would be out of state living away from them for a bit for the first time in my life with really not much expense, and I'd get to experience an entirely different area of the country (the midwest).

 

Is it "dangerous?" Sure. Traveling anywhere can be dangerous. What if she boots me from her house, this is something that was brought up with me. I said I'm 99% sure that won't happen, but yeah it has to be considered. I have the funds to get myself out of there if I needed to, and I'd go to the police if I needed help (the police station is 10 minutes from her home).

 

I'm actually pretty afraid to make the voyage... and my parents aren't helping me out with feeling safe and confident about even trying. I've told my girlfriend that. She even offered to fly up here, and fly back with me just so I wouldn't be on a plane alone in an airport for the first time. I thought that was sweet.

 

It's annoying to have to deal with "defense" while being in a relationship and it makes me worried to even have any future relationships say this one goes south as long as I'm living here. It's just bleh.

 

Your parents have issues.

But you probably already suspect this.

And you won't be a complete human being untill you finally stand up to your parents, untill you actually tell them they are wrong to their face.

 

I don't suspect it, I know it. There is no relationship between the two of them, in the years since my brother and I were born it was just whatever. They fight, they hate each other. There's times of happiness of course and we've had good times but there's been plenty of bad too. They both bad mouth each other to me all the time. It's really unhealthy. It's caused my brother to not even want to bother with any relationships, according to him, because he thinks they'll just turn into that. (which is a sad and wrong view, but still) :|

 

I've told them I think they're wrong on many points but that's where it just ends in a stalemate because it's opinion vs opinion.

 

What i would do, is look into getting some form of financial security.

Either sell the car and buy a cheaper one, or look for accommodations far away from them.

 

It would be nice, but... things are expensive in Jersey. I just wanted to be able to live here and keep saving up toward a home, having to do that will put that behind. I feel like it's so ridiculous that my life here should be disrupted to hell merely over this relationship which really doesn't affect them THAT much on the whole. I want them to come around and stop it but haven't though of how to deal with it.

 

When you read that letter to them, did you see how they cowered ?

That's their thing, they become passive-agressive when faced by someone who stands his ground, and they hit below the belt with their passive-agressive statements.

 

It's a good thing you don't want to be like them, because they'll never change [most likely].

 

Yeah they backed down and just ended up letting me do what I wanted. I can't stand confrontations and my letter was polite. The thing is even with all of it I respect them and don't want to be just "f you, I'm going on this trip and I hate you all! I'm a rebel!" I don't believe in burning bridges or anything either. :\

 

PS: Out of curiosity, what is your online business about ?

 

I do hosting for message boards similar to this one. I'm a jack of all trades; I handle the software as well as talking to customers and giving them support while also managing the infrastructure in the background.

 

PPS: The fact that you live frugally and don't buy into consummerism will help you a lot in your life.

 

Thanks, I just don't follow the crowd when it comes to HAVING to have the most shiny new thing because everyone else has got it or because it's brand "x" or "y." Plus, it's not always really the best product anyway for the money, more often than not... it makes me OCD about things I buy but I usually end up happy with my choices.

[amaysngrace]

Your parents sound way too involved in your personal life.

 

If they trust you and trust your judgment then what is the problem?

 

My sister and her husband have a 24 year old son who dated a single mom and while nobody cared for her much they recognized he did. They told him about certain things they saw about her that they didn't particularly like but would never give him an ultimatum of choosing between her or them.

 

They've been married for over 25 years and maybe fight but I've never seen it. They don't even criticize one another in front of others, just only ever express love and respect.

 

Does your GF treat you badly or something? Stress you out and cause you to have emotionally charged arguments with her?

 

If not then she already treats you better than your parents seem to treat each other.

[Jersey-Guy]

Your parents sound way too involved in your personal life.

 

If they trust you and trust your judgment then what is the problem?

Except they don't.

 

In my letter to them both a few months ago before the meeting for one week, I them that that I knew they only wanted what's best for me. And that "I hope you can trust me." There was a conversation after that about not having to choose and then... whoosh. Here we are now. I'm "thinking with the other head."

 

My sister and her husband have a 24 year old son who dated a single mom and while nobody cared for her much they recognized he did. They told him about certain things they saw about her that they didn't particularly like but would never give him an ultimatum of choosing between her or them.

 

They've been married for over 25 years and maybe fight but I've never seen it. They don't even criticize one another in front of others, just only ever express love and respect.

Good for them! Every relationship is different and sometimes you just never know where it's going to go.

 

Does your GF treat you badly or something? Stress you out and cause you to have emotionally charged arguments with her?

 

If not then she already treats you better than your parents seem to treat each other.

No.

 

We've had conflicts before just like anyone else. It's a little harder to work through problems long distance as well because there's nothing but a cold computer screen and keyboard to deal with problems, but we've always made it work. We're not like my parents, there is no way they could ever survive this with their crappy communication skills. There's a lot more love than conflict. A large point of conflict between her and I has been my parents though obviously. She's very upset by all of this and about the situation I'm in and thinks that my parents are very wrong to be "making me choose." I don't happen to disagree. It affects our relationship because we always have trouble looking forward to the next visit. When I get yelled at over my relationship, it puts a damper on the entire day and even comes up during the week for me.

 

So right now instead of looking forward to spending time with her in the summer, I have to think about how to deal with my parents - again. My big stupid letter got essentially ignored. This is a person who they've only met twice and really have spent very little time. And they say they "gave her a chance." I laid out everything in my post above, I'm not hiding anything.

 

Lastly, your parents may have issues but you only get ONE set of them ... Keep that in mind and don't burn any bridges you're going to regret.

That's why I'm here.

 

However, I need to say that they're burning up their relationship with me over this. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but if they try hard to force my hand by making my life hell then I'm not going to forget it. As it is even if I were to break up with her over my parents... which I don't want to do.... it is going to affect me permanently. Because god forbid I meet someone they don't like again, then I could end up going through all of the same crap. Barring the entire long distance thing, this same scenario could happen right here locally. It's made worse by the distance. I don't appreciate having things held over my head or being made to feel bad when I've never given them any problems.

 

I get it though, the real answer to all of this is "move out, be self sufficient or shut the hell up." :\ I do feel like though if I hold on and keep dealing with them, that they'll come around, but the approach is getting more difficult and now I have trust issues with them.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Jersey-Guy

[Mantha03]

It is your life, not theirs. If you care for this person, go for it. You may have to go out and live on your own but there are many benefits of living on your own. Like Privacy. What I'm trying to get at anyways is your parents love you then they will get over it. Who cares that she had a child out of wed-lock, if she is a good mother that is all that counts. Yes, actually being around the person outside of technology may bring about unexpected surprises good or bad, who knows. Will you be content ending this relationship and in the future still wondering "what if..?" Don't let anyone keep you from being happy, put your foot down.

 

My father and step mother are very judgmental and have made my relationship hell by always putting their two cents in. I finally decided to stop letting their opinions or judgements hang over me and stress me out. I see my boyfriend everyday and I pay no mind to their dismay. It is my life, I gotta live it. If I make a mistake well, that's life. You live and learn.

 

Good luck, don't do anything you will regret on behalf of anyone else. It won't be this way for long the storm will pass , do what is right for you.

[Absewarrior]

Jersey-Guy:

Since you mentioned that you feel afraid of flying there, I wonder if your parents have sheltered you to the point where you aren't viewed as an adult by them? At 24, I was backpacking by myself around the world and my parents had no say over my life or who I dated. After all, 18 is an adult, at least in law. Do you think your parents are overprotective because you are so sheltered?

AW

[whichwayisup]

she doesn't want any more children

 

I see this as a red flag. nothing to do with your parents or what they think of her. You're 24, just starting out in life - What if in 5 years or even 10 years from now you realize you want a child of your own? Are you ready to give that up for her?

 

Anyway, it's your life, your relationship..Maybe it'll last a few years and be a good experience for you, maybe she is the one. Who knows. BUT, DO let your parents know that they can't and shouldn't influence you or get in your way. It's none of their business who you see. Though I would hope they will be there for you if/when it ends, and support you not tell you I told you so.

[Dragonfruit]

First, you may not believe this but I think long distance relationships play tricks on people. You may feel like the two of you have a deep and meaningful connection but it is in such a narrow, confined, idealistic way that imo you really do not. I'd count your time in a relationship as the total time you have been physically together, in other words, a few days. I don't know HOW many times on forums I've heard all this and then three weeks together and they were saying omg who the hell is this person? I believe three years is a good amount of time to be with someone before making any big and irreversible commitments. That lets you see that bad side as well as the best side they want to present. And time apart does not count, regardless of how strong your feelings may be or how frequent the online or telephone contact, in my opinion. Basically, imo, this woman is not much more than a stranger and will remain the same even if this went on long distance for twenty years.

 

Second, the parents. (1) Are they right? Remember those older and wiser have been there, seen that, done that. On the other hand, (2) You are a full grown adult and they are um, being kinda weird, you know? Maybe drop the business and take more classes, get out sooner and then you can live your own life. Make sure you're not reacting to them treating you like a teenager with to some extent acting like one, falling into this woman's arms more than you would otherwise.

 

I agree with those who say get out and have fun with others your age! I wonder if this long distance exclusive thing with so little to back it up, has an element of safety, of allowing you to hide out from real life interactions in the here and now. Those are riskier but much greater rewards as well. A child is a whole lot to take on and your parents are probably right that you don't quite get how much. But, it's not like plenty of others haven't been stepparents as well, so it's just something to think about. I wonder why you are in so deep with a woman who is so far away - and who you've still somehow managed to have major issues with even on such limited contact, and she has a child- when you are young and single and there are women everywhere in the flesh right where you are.

 

Just playing the devil's advocate a bit to perhaps give you something to think about is you haven't already thought of it yourself. Those are my thoughts, for what they're worth. Good luck to you.

Edited March 8, 2013 by Dragonfruit